Wankers of the Week: Don’t be like Bill

Crappy weekend, everyone! So, how’s everyone holding up under the onslaught of stupid stick-figure memes? Nauseated? Me too. Which is why I’m only devoting one post to that stupid shit. Don’t be like Bill, people. And the rest of this post goes to these other people you also don’t want to be like, in no particular order…

1. Bruce Fucking O’Brien. Yeah, driving drunk in a snowstorm — great idea! And drunkenly opening fire on a snowplow doing its job — even better idea! Whatever will you do for an encore, sir?

2. Katrina Fucking Pierson, AGAIN. “Pure breeds”? “Half-breeds”? Is this politics, or a dog-and-pony show? With Der Donald and his spokesmoron, it’s getting hard to tell.

3. Donald Fucking Trump. AGAIN. Yeah, sure black people are gonna like you better than Obama. And pink pegacorns with purple manes and tails will fly out your ass, too! PS: And I’m sure FUX Snooze is gonna love you long time, too.

4 and 5. David Fucking Daleiden and Sandra Fucking Merritt. They tried to stage a “gotcha” on Planned Parenthood (yes, they’re behind the infamous “baby parts” video that fired up so many terrorists)…and got caught in their own booby trap. Couldn’t have happened to a bigger pair of boobs.

6. Michele Fucking Fiore. Big Gummint is EEEEEBIL! Unless, of course, you’re in it, and gaming the taxation system on your own behalf. Then, the evil one is none other than YOU.

7. Kelly Fucking Gneiting. Challenging Chris Fucking Christie to a super-macho sumo bout just because he dissed your toy army? Dude…what do you need “militias” for if you can just sumo-wrestle your detractors, anyway?

8. Kim Fucking Davis. No, God didn’t choose you to be anything…except, maybe, a laughingstock. ‘Course, you can always oppose God’s will by sitting down and shutting the fuck up.

9. Alyssa Fucking Rosenberg. No, Ammon Fucking Bundy and his fucking crew of fuckheads aren’t being “sexually harassed”. Sending them sex toys is an entirely acceptable way of dealing with those half-wits, because as one of my friends pointed out, it hits them right in their macho, homophobic masculinity and reminds them that they are, in fact, the punchline to a dirty joke. It is in no way the equivalent of a man sending dickpix to a woman he doesn’t even know. Also, feminists often own, use, and even LOVE sex toys themselves, as they help us not to depend solely on other people for our own sexual gratification. So…analogy FAIL. It would be better to simply say it’s not nice to flip idiots the bird, even when they’re hijacking bird sanctuaries. Fortunately, we don’t HAVE to be nice to them. Now go buy yourself a damn sense of humor.

10. Joseph Arthur Fucking Stetson. And in other Yeehawd/Y’All Qaida news, we have THIS bozo. Who could probably use some sex toys, but won’t be able to receive them behind bars. Too bad, so sad.

11. Odalis Fucking Sharp. Aaaaand MOAR Yeehawd! This time, from a child abuser who’d had a son taken from her because he couldn’t stand the “wholesome and pure path”, no doubt consisting of absolute god-awfulness, which she had planned for him. Why she’s still in possession of the rest of her brood I don’t know, but maybe this latest instance of child abuse — er, wholesomeness and purity — will finally get the authorities to do right by her remaining kids, as well.

12. Paul Fucking Whatsislastname. Paul is a Florida Man. Paul is an anti-choicer. Paul is also racist as fuck. Paul says that white women need to be kept home making babies for the good of the race. Paul also believes #4 and #5’s video, even though it’s now proven to be fake. Paul is an idiot. Don’t be like Paul.

13. Paul LeFucking Page. And in other Paul news, we have this guy. Who is not only racist, he also wants to bring back the guillotine. So do I, so do I…but only for the likes of him.

14 and 15. Carly Fucking Fiorina and Mike Fucking Huckabee. Oh dear, they really aren’t taking the news about #s 4 and 5 very well at all, are they? PS: Hucky, sit down. Your 15 minutes expired forever ago.

16. Jerry Fucking Falwell, Jr. Yes, that’s right, there’s a Junior. And he’s an idiot, too. (Not that this comes as any great shocker, given who his old man was, but still.)

17. Mat Fucking Staver. DUDE. You’re paying taxes to gay people just for living in their country? When did that happen? PS: Jizya is not what Matty the Moron thinks it is. It was, in fact, a poll tax levied on all subjects (except the aristocracy) of the Persian and Byzantine empires, and was levied according to the relative wealth of the person in question. It had nothing to do with belief at all!

18. Franklin Fucking Graham. Meanwhile, Billy Graham’s son and heir is disappointingly like dear old Dad, too.

19. David Fucking Cameron. Next time you feel like making some kind of odious generalization about Muslim women…just don’t. Oak hay?

20. Paul Fucking Bronfman. If peace and Palestinian rights are “anti-semitic”, then what is the bombing of Gaza…with illegal white phosphorus, no less? Or that apartheid wall? Are Palestinians not Semites, too? And why are those crickets so goddamned loud?

21. Paul Fucking Godfrey. Interesting, isn’t it, how the Nasty Pest tried to get us all voting for Harpo last fall, when we already knew damn well that he’d stolen the 2011 election? And isn’t it downright fascinating to know that they’re actually owned by US hedge funds? Guess that makes this paper not a Canadian national paper like the Star or the Globe, but a US hedge-fund mouthpiece with nationwide circulation. And then we wonder why Harpo lost. Now we have our answer…IT’S THE FOREIGN INTERFERENCE, STUPID.

22. Falcon Fucking Heene. Hoax balloon boy endorses hoax paper rich dude. The satire just writes itself, dunnit?

23. Graham Fucking Hunt. Bathroom Bandit steals military valor. Film at 11!

24. Cliven Fucking Bundy. Godfather of land hijackers and general nogoodniks says one of them, who got killed for the stupidest cause ever, was “sacrificed for a good purpose”? Why is this old motherfucker not in jail along with his criminal sons?

25. Raymond Fucking Burke. No, you DON’T get to blame women for the Catholic church’s problems. Women don’t run the church. They’re not even allowed to be priests, remember? And that, right there, is one of the church’s problems.

26 and 27. Robert Fucking Bentley and Ted Fucking Sessoms. So, you want to protect Alabamians from harm? Then you’d better step down. Because “Kill All Syrians” won’t protect anyone from anything, gubnor bubba. As for you, Preacher Man, you’re a disgrace to your pulpit. Maybe YOU had better step down, too.

28. Bristol Fucking Palin. “Not everyone gets a trophy”, huh? Well, no shit, Sherlock! And speaking of which: Not everyone gets to be culturally relevant, either. Your five seconds were up long ago, so siddown, cupcake, and accept your cup of STFU gracefully, like you’re so busy telling all those black folks to do.

29. Pete Fucking Kelly. And in other idiot news from Alaska, we have this guy. Who, judging by the sounds of things, doesn’t know how birth control works or what it’s supposed to prevent. And he wants women drinking in bars to take pregnancy tests first. I have a better idea: How about all right-wing men in politics take IQ tests before they run for office? That way, we can at least stem this ongoing epidemic of Stoopid Man Syndrome and Foot-in-Mouth Disease.

30 and 31. Tom Fucking Patton and Rob Fucking Frost. Ahem. As I was saying…IQ tests for all right-wing men are a MUST, because blatant sexism sounds just as stupid in Ohio as it does in Alaska.

32. Rob Fucking Katzman. Dwarf-tossing is still going on? Ugh. I have a better idea: How about we toss strip-joint owners instead?

33. Richard Fucking Dawkins. That’s right, the Old Dick stuck his foot in it. AGAIN. And if you have to ask what “it” is, just be thankful you don’t walk where there’s a lot of it lying around.

34. Daniel Fucking Musso. Oh joy, another fucking “patriot” looking to hijack something through violence in the name of Murrica. Let’s see how he enjoys his occupation of a different kind of federal facility, eh?

35. Rafael Fucking Cruz. And again with Ted’s derpy ol’ dad. I know it’s not nice to laugh at acerebrous people, but damn, he just keeps forking over that comedic material!

36. Ted Fucking Cruz. And speaking of the devil, get a load of who he’s in cahoots with. On the bright side, though, this pretty much nails his political coffin shut and kicks it into the open grave.

37. Sally Fucking Kern. Oh gawd, HER again. Still hating on the queerfolks, and apparently determined to wipe out all LGBT kids in particular. I’d ask what any of them ever did to her, but at this point, that’s not the question. It’s what the hell she thinks she’s doing to them, people.

38. Louie Fucking Gohmert. Oh joy, it’s Gomer, the world’s least persecuted person, whining about how persecuted he is onaccounta he’s white, male, stupid, and a fundie. Send that man a Waaaambulance, already.

39. Tommy Fucking Benton. The South shall rise again! On the wings of hooded sheets, no less. Gawd, how much longer before these old Klukers all die, and their stupidities die with them?

40. Ben Fucking Carson. Hey gay people, Dr. Ben wants you all back in the closet, STAT! At this rate, I don’t know what surprises me more: the fact that he’s still talking, or the fact that he’s still got a campaign going on. One thing that doesn’t surprise me, though: The fact that nonsense keeps coming out every time he moves his lips.

And finally, to these two unnamed teenage dumbfucks. They thought they’d shred the Otonabee River on an ice floe? They’re lucky the river didn’t shred them, because they were headed for a hydro dam. Maybe they’d appreciate receiving the bill for what their rescue cost the municipality. I’m sure their parents would…

Good night, and get fucked!