Wankers of the Week: Antonin Scalia memorial edition


Crappy weekend, everyone! And a very crappy farewell to Antonin Fucking Scalia, wanker emeritus, who has figured so often on this list, ding dong. It’s not goodbye, Tony…it’s VAFFANCULO. Remember that? Women, minorities, and LGBT people sure do, because it was them he made a career of flipping off from the bench. So now, we give him the final flip-off…and a fond one it ain’t. And here’s who, besides him, we’re flipping off this week, in no particular order:

1. Chris Fucking Marley. Do you live in a democracy, or a theocracy? Well, if you’re the town of Chino, Arizona, you’re definitely in the latter. And if you’re Jewish and you have legit objections, you get hustled out of the town hall so the mayor and his Christer cronies can all have their little whack-off to Jesus without any of your pesky kvetching. Oy to the fucking vey.

2. Conn Fucking Carroll. In case anyone wonders whether the Repugs care about getting the nation’s business done, you now have your answer, in the form of this lowly underling’s tweets. No. No, they do not. They only care about one thing, and that is obstructing that black guy in the White House at all costs.

3. Tom Fucking Fast. And again with the “gays are just the same as pedophiles” bullshit. No. No, they are NOT. And protecting the one does not extend protection to the other, for the simple reason that pedophilia is not a sexual orientation, but a crime against children.


4. Donald Fucking Trump. Oh, so you’d love to run against a communist? One problem with that, Clownstick von Fuckface: Bernie Sanders isn’t a communist. And another: even if he were, he’d still beat the shit out of you. PS: Oh my, how embarrassing. I guess, if you really want to cultivate that “tough on drugs” image, it might behoove you to stop being so friendly with drug traffickers, might it not? PPS: Ha, ha! PPPS: Ha, ha, ha! What a moron. Do you feel like trusting this technological imbecile with your nuclear launch codes? If so, you’re even dimmer than HE is.

5. Ted Fucking Cruz. Need more proof of his unfitness to be president? How about his lack of awareness of SCOTUS facts? Or that filibuster he’s already got planned, before any nominees are even announced? Or his old man, who really needs to get back on his meds and shut the hell up?

6. Ted Fucking Nugent. And in other news of shitty people named Ted, guess who’s giving the Fucking NRA a bad name. As though they themselves weren’t already perfectly capable of doing that without his help, ha ha.


7. Sage Fucking Steele. Win Butler, allowed to say intelligent political things? Not on ESPN! You’re only supposed to say “celebrity stuff”, whatever vacuous crap THAT might entail.

8. Alex Fucking Jones. Oh, so your gut tells you Scalia was murdered? Why would it tell you that, and not, say, “Get me a grilled cheese, you conspiracy-mongering moron”? Because that’s probably what it was trying to say. PS: It was a heart attack, you stupid fuck. Now put a sock in it.

9. Marco Fucking Rubio. Hey, Log Cabiners, take a look at your “Party of Lincoln” now, and tell me if you’re not feeling just a wee bit foolish. I mean, all their plans are going against you. You voted for these hateful idiots. At long last, when will you come to your fucking senses and stop shooting yourselves in the feet? PS: Look who decided that (a) it’s cool to recycle old Reagan/Bush era tropes (which were considered corny even then!), and (b) to use stock footage of Vancouver to represent “morning again in America”. Ha, ha.


10. Ben Fucking Carson. Even the Russians are laughing at him and his fake Stalin quote. And yet, his ego still doesn’t know when to quit. It’s gone beyond funny and is now just sad.

11. Newt Fucking Gingrich. Irrelevant political has-been says what? STFU, Newty.

12. Michael Fucking Savage. Never mind that neither His Barackness nor Bernie Sanders has any track record of inciting mob violence to any end, ever. And never mind, also, that the Savage Weiner, like all right-wing crapagandists, has a definite track record of doing that very thing, for fascist ends. No, we’re supposed to fear the Red Under the Bed, again. Boogaboogabooga!


13. Martin Fucking Shkreli. Karma finally called on him, in the shape of an internaut known only as Daquan. And PharmaBro’s freak-out and meltdown were, indeed, glorious to behold. Who the hell drops $15 million (in shitcoin, no less!) on a crappy record, anyway? That’s not an investment, that’s money down the shitter. And his starting a GoFundMe drive? Well, that’s the biggest wank of all. He claims he can make the money back in his sleep, but he’s reduced to begging it from his idiot fans? That’s just…wait for it…drumroll, please…RICH.

14. Dustin Fucking Armour. No, ranchers aren’t endangered. And neither are white people. But you’d be forgiven for believing that white people who aren’t complete racist fuckwits are, especially in conservative country.

15. Eliot Fucking Spitzer. Nice to see he hasn’t changed his woman-abusing ways since he was caught on the client list of a notorious, pricey callgirl. And wearing his yarmulke to the hospital bed of the latest less-than-half-his-age woman he’s been abusing? Stay classy, you pious hypocrite. PS: Oh wait, it gets better. Apparently she was a pricey callgirl, too!


16. John Fucking Yoo. And in other news of violent attorneys, we have this guy, the one who declared waterboarding and other BushCo tortures to be perfectly kosher. Now he’s arguing for obstructionism, naturally. Why? Because FUCK YOO, that’s why.

17. Vaughn Fucking Ohlman. Bad enough that he’s in favor of fathers choosing husbands for daughters, and those same daughters then being forced to churn out babies willy-nilly. But the fact that he thinks under-age marriage is God’s will, because girls are just commodities, like apples? Ugh. Oh, and would it surprise you greatly to learn that he’s bitter about not being a chosen husband of an under-age girl, too? No? Thought not. Perverts gonna perv, after all.

18. Carrie Fucking Severino. Funny, innit, how who gets to pick the next SCOTUS judge never mattered until it was a black guy sitting in the Oval Office? Yeah, ‘wingers, you’re doing a bang-up job of hiding your racism behind that skimpy little scrim.


19. Ezra Fucking Levant. Putz gets barred from Alberta provincial press gallery onaccounta he’s a whiny, bullying, thin-skinned fucking putz. Promptly starts whining, bullying and putzing even louder. Putz gets reinstated. And the credibility of the journalistic profession continues to go down, down, DOWN. Putzes should have no place in the press galleries of the nation!

20. Troy Fucking Newman. Is anyone else as unsurprised as I am that this anti-choice fascist is now in the business of trying to rewrite the rules of US politics? No? Oh good.

21. Madeleine Fucking Albright. There’s a special place in hell for women who tell other women to vote with their vaginas…all while batting for the opposing team in Argentina.


22. Glenn Fucking Beck. You leave God out of this, Biff.

23. Katrina Fucking Pierson. Oh look, Der Donald’s spokesmoron is a 9-11 twoofer! I’m shocked. SHOCKED, I tell ya.

24. Jeb Fucking Bush. Because ammosexuality is always a good look, especially when your penis compensator’s manufacturer used to work for the Nazis. Just like dear old Grandpa.


25. Kanye Fucking West. Dude’s spent a fuckton on bad pet projects, and now he wants tech big boys to invest in his “ideas”? How about NO? PS: Ha, ha. And hee, hee, hee.

26. Kent Fucking Tester. Not only can he not keep his homonyms straight, he also can’t tell a white woman from a black one. How ironic, then, that he should prove to be so very racist…or not, since racists are known to be stupider than the rest of us.

27. Shawna Fucking Cox. Well, look who’s gone from terrorist to extortionist! Yes, kiddies, she and her fellow bird sanctuary squatters are not content merely to shit all over land that’s not rightfully theirs; now they’re trying to shake the government down for mucho moolah while simultaneously claiming it’s the devil’s cash. Problem with that, of course, is that even if “Satan” pays up (fat chance!), you’re still taking money from Old Scratch. And that makes you damned.


28. Manny Fucking Pacquiao. Well, well. Look whose homophobia just got him booted out of a job. Too bad, so sad. Ha, ha, ha.

29. John Fucking Hagee. Oh, shut the fuck UP with the “Obama can’t pick the next SCOTUS judge” crap already, you old racist fuck. And quit making history up. He’s the president, it’s his prerogative, and it’s part of his fucking JOB no matter what year it is, so let him get on with it and keep your vile mouth shut.

30. Pat Fucking Robertson. Still waiting for God to call Patwa home. It can never come too soon.


31. Charlie Fucking Daniels. Irrelevant has-been says WHAT? Dude, if you want a war with Iran — YOU GO FIGHT IT. That is, if your creaky knees and dicky old heart can stand the pressure. If not, STFU and be grateful you’re NOT at war with Iran, because those guys have been pissed at your country and its arrogance for a looooong time.

32. Rick Fucking Wiles. Antonin Fucking Scalia, a “sacrifice to pagan fascism”? Speaking as a pagan, I can confirm that not only do we not do human sacrifice, but also that there are no fascists among us. Fascism, as Benito Mussolini pointed out, is a Christian ideology. As for Fat Tony, he died of old age and a bad heart. Nothing there to sacrifice, even if anyone wanted to. Which no one did.

33. Bill Fucking Cosby. Oh noes, Andrea Constand broke her hush-money agreement! And now Dr. Huxtable is up on criminal charges. Yet he still has the chutzpah to sue her for breach of contract. Who even demands such things contractually? A very rich, powerful wankmonster…that’s who.


34. Kathryn Fucking Knott. Homophobic nasty-ass says what? She wants to avoid jail with public service? Guess she heard that there are lesbians behind bars, and is, quite appropriately, scared shitless. Ha, ha.

35. Dallin Fucking Oaks. Gettin’ real tired of this “Only God can judge me” shit. How’s about you religious so-called leaders using your own judgment for a change, and using it on yourselves instead of others…for a change?

36. John Fucking Rook. Newsflash: Female reporters aren’t there to please your boner. If a pregnant woman is still well enough to do her stand-up on TV, she’s still in a fit condition to do her job. She will take her maternity leave when she’s ready, not when you call her an “eyesore” for daring to show up with a big belly. There’s nothing “embarrassing” about it, unless maybe you’re admitting that you whack off while watching the evening news.

37. Boris Fucking Johnson. In case anyone’s wondering what a perambulating haystack thinks, it’s Daesh good, Palestine bad!


38. Patrick Fucking Fox. Paging Anonymous! We have a live one for you. This one’s put up a website dedicated to harassing and defaming his ex-wife until she ends up destitute or dead (his words!) And despite the fact that what he’s doing is illegal in Canada, the authorities on both sides of the border are doing nothing about it. Internet, do your stuff!

39. Jason Fucking Kenney. Yes, he’s still around. Still squatting on Parliament Hill. And still wanking. This week, it was all bout Israel, and how hard he wanted to kiss their collective ass and slip ‘em the tongue. Somehow, I don’t think that’s what’s meant by eating kosher!

40. Justin Fucking Keller. Oh, looky who’s a special widdle snowflake. And who doesn’t want to poison his parents’ precious virgin snow eyes with the sight of homeless people on the streets of San Francisco! Because free market this, and hard work that, and blah blah blabbity blah blah. Has it ever occured to you, Special Snowflake, that City Hall has more pressing concerns than your eyes…or those of your precious parents? And that the city has been dealing with homeless people since long before you were born? PS: Ha, ha. And ha, ha, ha!


And finally, to our fucking parliament. Yes, all of them. They’ve just voted to make boycotting Israel illegal. No word on just how they plan to enforce that, but I know what I’ll be doing until they walk that one back. And they can’t stop me, either.

Good night, and get fucked!

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