Wankers of the Week: The Iowa Fracases

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Crappy weekend, everyone! And how about those Iowa caucuses? Is everybody as bored with this whole shitshow as I am? Oh, good. Glad I’m not the only one who sleeps through these things. Would that my nights were all so restful. Meanwhile, it’s shit like this that keeps me awake:

1. Phil Fucking Robertson. Somehow, I’m not surprised to find a fake hillbilly with fake “values” stumping for a fake presidential candidate (who isn’t even qualified to run, seeing as he wasn’t born in the US). What I am surprised at is that anyone is still attending their rallies. Or believing that “strict constitutionalist” shit. The constitution is, as I recall, quite specific on who is and is not allowed to run for president.

2. Ted Fucking Cruz. Meanwhile, the not-qualified-but-still-precandidate is awwwwwkward. And it’s so embarrassing. Ha, ha. PS: Not smart, Ted. Not smart. PPS: Ha, ha.

3. Daryush Fucking Valizadeh. Yes, darlings, “Roosh V”, the world’s failiest pickup “artist”, is at it again. And he and his slimy trog followers are about to get another free beer shampoo in the process. It’s like he didn’t learn a thing from his highly edifying experiences in Montréal… PS: Ha, ha! PPS: And even MORE ha-ha.

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4. Matthew Fucking MIlls. Yes, Victoria Soto WAS a real teacher. Sandy Hook WAS a real massacre. And you, sir, ARE a real fucking idiot.

5. Joel Fucking Wright. Not all child-abusing perverts really look the part, but this one totally does. Which no doubt made him easy for the police in Mexico to catch as he was on his way to rape an actual baby there.

6. Donald Fucking Trump. No, Adele doesn’t want you playing her music on your campaign trail. She has taste, after all. Also, your apparent approval of actual Nazis is making you into one hell of an uggo. PS: Sir Elton is right there with Adele. Jesus, dude, have you even heard of seeking permission?

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7. Sarah Fucking Palin. Oh my, is that somebody projecting like mad I hear? Why yes, it is! PS: Also, what IS this gibberish? Can anyone decipher? PPS: Dear God, she’s drinking again, isn’t she. I knew it!

8. Ken Fucking Ivory. What’s that? ANOTHER “incriminating” right-wing video about an agency the ‘wingers all hate, that’s about as genuine as a three-dollar bill? Why yes, it is!

9. Alex Fucking Jones. No, Bernie Sanders is not a “hardcore commie”, he’s a very liberal Democrat with some mild socialist tendencies. And he’s not into concentration camps, either, seeing as he’s Jewish and already knows the history of those all too well. Trust me, dude, if anyone had any use for your labor — forced or otherwise — you’d have been incarcerated long ago. (Or more likely, exterminated as mentally unfit.)

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10. Rafael Fucking Cruz. “Here I am, Lord, use me”? Oh, brother. Perhaps Jesus would be better invoked to drop-kick a certain someone through the goalposts of Fail.

11. David Fucking Manning. And in other dropkick-Jesus news, the pastor of the Hate Church of Harlem is butthurt over how he’s been foreclosed on…and how his real estate is being snapped up by an LGBT+ youth centre. And resorting to the most vile and vulgar imagery in his impotent anger, too.

12. Paul Fucking Allen. Why mega-yachts are even allowed to exist is beyond me. And for that matter, billionaires. And the fact that they’re allowed to get away with tearing up fragile coral ecosystems with their fucking anchor chains is the rotten cherry on top of the shit sundae of crapitalism. Why, Goddess, WHY???

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13. Bibi Fucking Netanyahu. No, Bibi, respected opinion leaders don’t have anything against the Jewish people. We know they come in all kinds. It’s the Zionists who keep waging war on the Palestinians that respected opinion leaders reject, and it’s their Nazified behavior that’s the reason why.

14. Cliven Fucking Bundy, AGAIN. “Stand your ground”, he says. What he actually means is pack up and go home, you fucking morons.

15. Michael Fucking Ramos. No, dude, you’re not a patriot, and your confederates aren’t an army. You’re just another white terrorist, and so are all of your buddies. Siddown and shut the fuck up.

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16. David Fucking Fry. And that goes double for YOU, nerd-terrorist. You break the law, you don’t get amnesty. You go to jail, or get gunned down if you don’t go quietly. See how that works?

17. Roy Fucking Buchanan. Nice gendered slur, sir. Maybe you wouldn’t have had to use it on that nice lady reporter if you hadn’t gone around misspending all that money that wasn’t yours, eh?

18. Jason Fucking Kenney. Yes, he’s still squatting on Parliament Hill. And yes, he’s still wanking about immigrants and their English and how much trouble he has understanding it unless it’s perfect and unaccented. Aren’t you sorry he’s no longer a minister of anything? Yeah…me neither. Maybe if Closet Boy would clean the wax out of his ears, he’d be able to make out what others are saying. Maybe then, he’d hear that they’re laughing…AT him, not with him.

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19. Michele Fucking Bachmann. Oh gawd, she’s still around, too. Still bearding for that unhappy gay guy. And still yattering on with her stupid conspiracy theories about Obama becoming king, or some such. Never mind that there’s zero evidence. It’s never stopped her before, and it never will until she lands in her all-too-timely grave.

20. Jonathan Fucking Powell. WWJD? Beat an 11-year-old girl over the head with frozen bacon and call her a bitch, of course.

21. Sandy Fucking Rios. Oh gawd, she’s still around, too. Still mongering the usual tripe, fear, and bogus conspiracy theories about all the eeeevil things all the eeeevil liberals are supposedly doing. And by “supposedly doing”, I mean NOT doing at all.

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22. Saima Fucking Ahmed. While a Kit Kat without the wafer is kind of a drag, expecting a lifetime supply of them to assuage your butthurt is…a bit much. But kudos for over-the-top law-studenting just the same!

23. Alex Fucking Jones. Oh gawd, he’s still around, too. Still babbling like a brook of idiocy. And still sharing his grotesque sexual fantasies and porn preferences with an uninterested general public, too.

24. Victoria Fucking Sharp. Sit down, cult-girl, your 15 minutes are already up. And nobody believes for one hot instant that LaVoy Fucking Finicum is a real martyr, either.

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25. Ernie Fucking Boch, Jr. Yeah, no, dude, there ain’t a pair of beer goggles foggy enough to make me see anything in Der Donald. Or, for that matter, want to go home with the likes of YOU.

26. Scott Fucking Ellis. Nobody NEEDS a blowjob. You might WANT one, but you’re never entitled to one…much less in exchange for anything else. Especially not if you’re a mayor. Frankly, asshole, you should be in jail right now. And unable to suck or fuck your way out.

27. Martin Fucking Shkreli. One contempt-of-congress charge for PharmaBro, coming right down!

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28. David Fucking Daleiden. Oh, the chutzpah. You don’t deserve an apology. Or probation, either. You deserve JAIL.

29. Steven Fucking Joyce. In case you’re tempted to pity him for getting pelted in the face with a big plastic dildo…don’t. He’s one of those responsible for selling out all the countries that signed on to the TPP…in this case, New Zealand. Sorry, Kiwis (all except for this asshole), Canada feels your pain.

30. Glenn Fucking Beck. Revolution is coming! Boogaboogabooga! Oh Biff, who do you think you’re kidding? Your “revolutionaries” are the same bunch who refuse even to nominally criticize Henry Fucking Kissinger, the counterrevolutionary extraordinaire. What makes you think THEY’re gonna riot in the streets? Oh yeah, right, I forgot…the president is still black. And we all know how THOSE people are, don’t we? Yes, we do…they’re just like everybody else, trying harder and harder to get by in a climate that makes revolution necessary while still strangling the revolutionary impulse in its cradle because people are too busy just trying to scrounge up something to eat. At long last, shut the fuck up, you irrelevant moron.

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And finally, to the New York State Senate. Yes, all of them. Because they presume to tell New Yorkers what countries they can and cannot boycott. And guess which egregious offender is on the latter list? Yes, New York readers, sign that petition, and share it. And let them know that they cannot make laws abridging the freedom of speech in their state.

Good night, and get fucked!

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