Wankers of the Week: Jack Chick Memorial Edition

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Crappy weekend, everyone! And a very crappy one to the late Jack Fucking Chick, the Grand Imperial Wizard of fundie religious tract authors, who finally and far too belatedly went to his just reward this week. May he burn in the Hell he believed in, if it exists; if not, may the Spirit World shun, mock, and ridicule him as he deserves. Meanwhile, back in the land of the living, here’s who we’re shunning, mocking, and ridiculing this week, in no particular order:

1. Nick Fucking Whalen. What to do if your indigenous community, which relies on locally-caught food, is contaminated with methylmercury from a dam? Simple: Nick says “eat less fish”! Easier said when you’re not actually dependent on local fish for survival, eh? PS: Nice nopology, jackass.

2. Kellie Fucking Leitch. Her Drumpfesque dog-whistles on immigration are going over like a lead balloon, even among Conservatives. Will she get the hint to cease and desist, or better still, drop out of the race? Um, she’s a HarpoCon. Does that answer the question?

3. Brit Fucking Hume. Repeat after me, kiddies: What a woman does for a living does not mean she consents to every damn thing a man proposes. Very good! Now, if only Shit Fume would get that message…

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4. Candace Fucking Cameron Fucking Bure. Why the double Fucking? Because that’s how sanctimonious and smug and just plain STUPID she is. Like Michael Moore says: If you don’t like gay marriage, DON’T HAVE ONE! Otherwise, lay the fuck off of those who do want one, because they’ve waited long enough and agitated damn hard and even died for the rights your dumb ass takes for granted.

5. Fred Fucking Fisher. Awarding custody of a transgender girl to her father and ordering her to dress as a boy, just because her mother respected her gender expression and supports her as she is? That’s fucking dumb, too. Now hear this, yeronner: ADULTS DO NOT GET TO DECIDE A CHILD’S GENDER, OR THE EXPRESSION THEREOF. A parent’s job is to respect, care for, and support that kid, no matter what.

6. Ryan Fucking Williams. Hey! Remember that teenage “meninist” from last week, the one who thinks women should just “hold” their menstrual bleeding (which we can’t do) instead of getting tax-free sanitary supplies (because they’re not a luxury but a necessity)? Well, his girlfriend is now his EX-girlfriend. Why? Errrrr, because he’s a “meninist”, for one thing. And for another, because he’s a stubborn doofus that she could do so much better than to keep seeing after he let his idiot flag fly AND saluted the pole he ran it up. Smart girl!

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7. Bill Fucking Morneau. If you thought #3 was callous and inane, wait till you hear this guy. He sees nothing wrong with precarious employment and all the miseries it causes (not just to younger workers, I might add; we of Gen X have suffered the leaden trial balloon before them, and many of us are still suffering). Maybe we should make HIS job (and the fat pension that goes with it) precarious, eh? And call him a fuckin’ slacker while we’re at it, because he’s the definition of the word.

8. Curt Fucking Schilling. Oh dear. Feeling a little lonesome, are we? Ha, ha. That’s what you get for hitching your wagon to a name so toxic that Drumpf’s own hotels have now had to remove it from their marquees.

9. Kris Fucking Teske. Hey Drumpf, I got your election rigging right here. Oh wait, she’s one of YOURS. Ha, ha.

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10. Tomi Fucking Lahren. White whine and fascism? That’s a paddlin’. And it’s coming from one of your own, too! Sounds like he’s kind of regretting having acted like you in the past. Ha, ha. PS: “Not a big reader”? No fucking duh. Also not a big thinker, by the general sounds of things. You’re not a “smart ass”, you’re a DUMB ass.

11. Wayne Fucking Allyn Fucking Root. Why the double Fucking? Because that’s how dumb and blind you have to be to see a creepy, crooked old coot like Der Drumpf as “handsome”. Or “the perfect guy sent from God and from Central Casting”. Uh, dumbass? God doesn’t hire through Central Casting. Much less chronic, pathological liars who never met an under-age girl they couldn’t ply with cocaine. He can’t even save two cents. Why would he bother to save a country?

12. Rudy Fucking Giuliani. Oh sweet Juheebus, this is sad. Rudy claims Drumpfy has a plan, but he won’t say what it is. Either he doesn’t know, or there really isn’t one. Either way, he’s as void of value and full of trash as Drumpf’s Dump. PS: Oh gawd, this is SO sad.

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13. Matt Fucking Forney. He thinks white women are aroused by Drumpf (“having sex dreams”), and that there’s going to be a “white baby boom” as a result of all his rapey posturing, shrimp-finger-wagging, and the sight of his wrinkly lips flapping? Nope — just checked my pants, and my little pink ladybits are saying “Wake me up again when the vote is in and he’s lost by a landslide”. Also, that “in my experience”? Is a sign that he has NO experience. Matty, have you looked in the mirror lately? NO WOMAN WANTS YOU. Total self-awareness fail!

14. Roger Fucking Stone. Since he and Drumpf are obviously on some kind of drugs, he figures Hillary must be, too? Man, whatever he’s on, I don’t want any. It makes you project harder than that guy in the backroom of the Cineplex Odeon!

15. Ed Fucking Klein. Aaaaand again with the performance-enhancing drugs. Dude, get thee to a detox and dry out, you’re embarrassing yourself!

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16. Sean Fucking Hannity. Newsflash, Baby Jeebus: You don’t get to send Barack Obama “back to Kenya”, because he’s not FROM there, you racist shithead. Now, if you wanted to send him back to Hawaii or Illinois, it would be a very different story. PS: Oh dear, how embarrassing. Can’t you pick a REAL news story to get worked up about? First satire, then the National Enquirer? Talk about scraping the bottom of the barrel.

17. Scott Fucking Baio. Chachi, Chachi, Chachi. If you ever hope to be remembered as something other than that smarmy little pest who always made Joanie roll her eyes (and for good reason), maybe it’s best you get off the Internets altogether. That way, you won’t be tempted to retweet some moron claiming to be a Canadian, but who’s as dumb as your typical right-wing Yank, and probably really is one behind the screens.

18. Richard Fucking Yuengling, Jr. He supports Drumpf? Well, there’s one more big US beer brand that will never cross my lips. Right up there with KKKoors. PS: And BOOM. Ha, ha.

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19. Newt Fucking Gingrich. Women are thanking him for being a sexist slob? What women? PS: Ha, ha. Looks like at least ONE Republican woman isn’t thanking him. PPS: And a ha, ha, ha! Pwned by Keith Boag. That’s gotta sting…

20. Joe Fucking Walsh. Prepare to lose, you treasonous fuckwad. And if you’re gonna go around fomenting armed rebellion just because the election didn’t go your way, prepare to be jailed or killed.

21. Donald Fucking Drumpf, Jr. He thinks Michael Moore made a pro-Drumpf film? Oh, ha ha ha, silly boy. Maybe you’d better wach the whole thing, eh?

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22. Paula Fucking Jones. Not a fan of Megyn Kelly in the least, but “nasty heifer”? Really? Considering how Newty (#20 this week!) pimped this one out back in the ‘90s (and Der Drumpf is still doing so!), she’s a fine one to talk. And a barely coherent one, too, if her tweeter is anything to go by.

23. Joe Fucking Kernen. Sorry, but “Brexit! Brexit! Brexit!” is not a coherent answer. To anything.

24. Scott Fucking Adams. Less than two weeks to go before Drumpf loses the election, and this guy loses what little is left of his mind. I can hardly wait!

25. Stephen Fucking Baldwin. Why?

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That’s why. Little Stevie is the brain-dead sheep of the family.

26. James O’Fucking Keefe. That’s right, go join #24 in the corner. Put on the OTHER pointed hat, and climb up on the stool. And face the wall. Because when the revolution comes, it won’t be fascists fighting it OR winning it, much less with dank (how appropriate, it means moist, moldy and ill-smelling) memes and mean tweets and heavily-edited crapaganda videos, ya weenie.

27. Mark Fucking Kirk. Holy fucking shit, motherfucker, you are RACIST. And SEXIST. And every-other-awful-thing-ist. And bubba, are you ever gonna LOSE to her. And when you do, I am so gonna laugh. And point.

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28. Jesse Fucking Benton. Uh, you do realize that voter suppression is ILLEGAL, right? RIGHT???

29. Alex Fucking Jones. He’s not saying it was aliens, but IT WUZ ALIENZ! He’s not antisemitic, but TEH JOOOOZ! Teh JOOOOOOOOOZ run EBBERYTHING! And next up, he’ll say he’s not paranoid, they really ARE out to get him. Yes, Alex, yes they are. Only problem is, the “Jewish Mafia” died with Jack Ruby, Meyer Lansky, and their ilk. Now run along with the nice men in the white coats. You’ll be safer in that nice, locked room.

30. Donald Fucking Drumpf. Yep, I’m counting down the days to when mentioning him in this space will become merely optional for me. In the meantime, ha ha — he actually called one of his own (few!) actual black supporters a “thug” and had him tossed out of a rally. Well, he was maybe right about the thug bit — but then, that also applies to his WHITE supporters, and I don’t see him tossing any of THEM out.

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And finally, to the fucking jurors who acquitted Ammon Fucking Bundy and his entire fucking mafia of wingnuts, whackjobs and white supremacists. Thanks for confirming everything people have been saying for years about white privilege. Thanks for overriding the wishes of the actual residents of Malheur County and telling people who actually live there that their laws and lives don’t matter. Thanks for proving that misrule is totally acceptable when white people do it. And above all, thanks for emboldening the worst white people in the world. If fascism comes back to roost, I’m holding all of you directly responsible for making that possible. I hope you bought-off idiots and assholes don’t get another minute of sound sleep for the rest of your miserable, unnatural lives.

Good night, and get fucked!

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