Do not adjust your monitor, folks…and don’t rub your eyes, it’ll only make them sting more. You’re not seeing things. This actually exists. Depending on whether you believe NBC or Amazon.com, it will set you back either $149 or $250 (US). It’s also guaranteed to lighten your wallet, drop your IQ into the sub-basement, and make all people with decent taste shun you forever.
But hey! If you enjoy entertaining Amazon reviews, here are some choice Q & As for your delectation:
Q. Is it really made in China?
A. Of course, like most things bearing the Trump name, in order to spend less money and increase profit, this was mass produced in China.
Q. What size is this?
A. Tinier than whiny little baby hands!
Q. Will this ornament keep all of its pre-holiday promises?
A. It’s already backing off jailing my Elf on a Shelf.
Q. Where was this manufactured?
A. Dum Gai, China.
Q. Why would anyone want this?
A. Sometimes trees stand up too straight and balanced, and this is useful in leaning your tree far enough to the right that it falls into the fireplace.
Q. How many years will this ornament last?
A. Per the box insert, “Your Trump MAGA ornament is expected to last a minimum of 8 years and may have a lifetime guarantee if it’s allowed to operate with minimal resistance.” However, preliminary testing in real-world scenarios indicates this item may have a melt-down and fall apart prior to January 20th, 2017 if exposed to persistent ridicule.
The starred reviews are even more brutal:
“My office puts up a tree every year and we pool resources to get a really nice ornament, usually on the pricey side. For example, 8 years ago we got a really nice, hand crafted ornament from Hawaii. We liked it so much, we decided to get another one just like it 4 years later. Well, this year we all got together and chose a sedate, classy ornament from a shop in New York. My New York friends swore by their work and so we voted and chose it.
But then this red and gold POS showed up in the mail and we can’t figure out why! We went through the vote hat again and we definitely voted for the New York piece with overwhelming numbers. I’m a bit worried that our manager, who thinks he’s special and soooo sELECTIVE, might have gone over our heads and ordered this one instead.
“It turns out we can’t get a refund and now we’re stuck with the ugly thing. We put it on the side of the tree facing the wall, but it must be bewitched or something because it keeps reappearing at the top of the tree every morning! We found our angel topper in the corner crying. We don’t know what happened and she says she’s afraid to tell us =/”
“It tried to put my nativity figures into an internment camp. Would not buy again.”
“I didn’t actually order this but somehow it’s on my tree anyway. I’m trying to make the best of it… at least that’s what people are telling me to do. But I don’t know. I’m trying, but there’s suddenly swastikas painted on my other decorations, half of my presents are just dog s***, and the tree itself is on fire. But my conservative friends are telling me the fire is a good thing and I should just be united in celebrating what this ornament has to offer. They’re also saying I need to leave the tree in my house for four to eight years. That doesn’t sound right. Source?”
“This ornament keeps tweeting at 3 a.m., demanding apologies from the casts of various Broadway musicals. For what, I don’t know. You’d think now that the Christmas season has officially arrived, the tree is up, and the stockings are hung, this ornament would finally get serious about being an ornament and doing the things an ornament ought to do–you know, stuff like hanging on the tree, looking merry and bright, and not destroying the Republic in its quest to satiate an unquenchable thirst for power. But no such luck. It just keeps tweeting and tweeting and tweeting. I’m not even sure how it manages to use a phone for such time-wasting endeavors, given how microscopic its teeny-tiny, wee little hands are.
“Very strange. I’d like to return this, but I hear it will take an act of Congress to do so, and in any case, I’m not sure the backup ornament I’m stuck with is any better. It keeps trying to electrocute me.”
It all averages out to a wompy 1 1/2 stars. Which I’m sure is actually a generous rating, both for this ugly-ass, overpriced ornament AND the bad political bargain it refers to.