Wankers of the Week: The Drumpf Inaugural Farce

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Crappy weekend everyone! And a bigly YUGE crappy one to my friends south of the border. Sorry, folks. I don’t envy you one bit right now. But one good thing about all this: You’re resisting. You’re staying away from him in droves. And the numbers don’t lie: Three times as many buses of protesters coming for the women’s march tomorrow, plus entire planeloads of pussyhats. And here’s who should be trembling in fear of all that, in no particular order:

1. Christopher von Fucking Keyserling. Guess what? “This new world”, as you call it, is still the same old one as it ever was. You are not suddenly free to grab women by the pussy and then claim no one will believe them…especially when a security camera catches it all. Special wanker brownie points to your lawyer for claiming it was all a joke. Funny, but the victim of your sexual assault didn’t find it funny at all.

2. Paul Fucking Elam. Just when I was wondering if Paulie had finally fallen off the face of the Earth, he goes and rears his ugly, woman-hating head again. And lectures the Anne Frank Centre, of all places, on trivializing the Holocaust. He must really be hard up for donations if he has to suddenly compete for publicity with the Alt-Reich!

3. Milo Fucking Yiannopoulos. Leave it to Yeah-Nope to be a flaming drama queen about shit that didn’t actually happen, and completely ignore the shit that DID actually happen. To Martin Fucking PharmaBro Shkreli. Dog shit, to be quite precise. Couldn’t have happened to a douchier bag, either. Ha, ha.

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4. Ben Fucking Ferguson. John Lewis had a good point when he said Der Drumpf was illegitimate. After all, this is the same Cheetolini who spent much of the past eight years questioning the legitimacy of a black president who was born in Hawaii. And how’s it feel to be pwned with that salient fact on national TV?

5. Mike Fucking Pence. And again, as with #4: John Lewis had a solid point. Drumpf lost the popular vote, and literally has NO legitimate claim to be president, with only one-quarter of eligible voters marking their ballots for him. Stop whining and face facts: You have a bumpy four years ahead of you, and if you’re not both removed from office, it will be a gross injustice…not to mention sheer political lunacy.

6. Mike Fucking Coffman. When you hold a town-hall meeting, dopey, you accept questions from everyone who gets up to ask them. You don’t just duck out when things start to get a little bit uncomfortable for you, snowflake. Especially when you brought the discomfort on yourself by voting for what you KNOW is a bad motion.

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7. Keith Fucking Kempenich. No criminal charges for drivers who “accidentally” run over indigenous protesters against illegal pipelines? Are you fucking kidding? Are you fucking dissociated? No, wait, I think I know what you are: a racist fucking ASSHOLE.

8. Kellyanne Fucking Conway. Drumpf’s Russian pee-fest details should be kept secret to “protect the public”? Since fucking when is Drumpf “the public”??? PS: And holy crap, HER OUTFIT!!! She looks like a clown. Fitting, since she’s now ringmaster of the Drumpf Circus (which is taking Ringling Bros’ place).

9. Kevin O’Fucking Leary. Right, I think it’s time to cut this Dragons’ Den shit-show before it gets any shittier. He thinks our budget can be balanced by selling Senate seats to rich clods? Uh, if I’m not mistaken, those are the same influence-buyers who got us in such a budgetary mess in the first place, with their incessant lobbying for tax cuts, tax cuts and more fucking tax cuts. And that’s when they’re not too busy clamoring for government to be run (into the ground, no doubt) like a fucking business. Last thing we need is them in the Upper Chamber. Or this fucking clown in the PMO, come to that. PS: Nobody wants to be your girlfriend, Kevvy. Much less one of several.

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10. David Fucking Martosko. He thinks members of the White House press corps should be pee-tested for drugs? I’d say the guy he’s lusting to work for is the one who should be tested, but then again, he also has a weird thing for pee.

11. Jim Fucking Fouts. He thinks black people look like chimps, and older women are “mean”, “hateful” and “dried-up”? Oooooooo, the projection is strong with this ‘un.

12. Tommy Fucking Hunter. And speaking of projection, get a load of what this fucking inbred yokel thinks of John Lewis. Pot, quit defaming kettle, and look at your own piggy little eyes in the mirror.

13. Rob Fucking Schneider. Why?

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That’s why. You don’t whitesplain civil-rights activism to those who literally wrote the book on it! You. Just. DON’T. And no, it has not been “accomplished” or “won”, yet. Just look at all the disenfranchised black voters out there if you don’t believe me. This election was stolen, and those people were ROBBED.

14. Lee Fucking Greenwood. No, the Drumpf Inaugural Farce is definitely something that no one who passes up on performing at it — or watching it — will EVER regret. In fact, there are several counter-campaigns against it, be it a “watch other channels” boycott, or a counter-concert where all the celebs who refused will be performing, or just people going out and ignoring that fucker for all they’re worth.

15. Rick Fucking Santorum. Because it’s been a while since we’ve heard from Icky Ricky McButtsploodge, and we haven’t exactly missed him. But when he did poke up his frothy brown head, it just so figures he’d go after John Lewis, too. Because sexism and homophobia are just not enough of a shit sandwich without a big ol’ dollop of racism on top, it seems.

16. Mike Fucking Peinovich. Yeah, surprise: Fucking a goat “ironically” still makes you a goatfucker. And “ironic” neo-Nazism is still neo-Nazism. NOW do you get it?

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17. David Fucking Clarke. Yeah, surprise: “Jiggaboo” is still a racist term, even when it comes from black guys. Especially since we all know this one’s just trying to get a job from the worst, ugliest, most racist white guy in the land.

18. Judith Fucking Miller. Sniping at Chelsea Manning for leaks causing military deaths? Uh, Steno Jude…you really might want to hold off on that whole pot-kettle thing, because it’s always come back to bite you. And the worst part is, your “leaks” were LIES. Chelsea’s were the truth. And in all likelihood, they have helped to save lives that don’t even matter to you!

19. Monica Fucking Crowley. What the fuck just happened? You plagiarized and got caught, that’s what! Honestly, I’m surprised that someone so stupid and lazy even got to be a Ph.D. candidate in the first place.

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20. Marla Fucking Maples. Ever wonder what it takes to be the mistress/wife of Drumpf? Well, for starters, CHUTZPAH. And major fucking ENTITLEMENT. Get it through your head, Miss Hawaiian Tropic (and ex-Mrs. Drumpf): NOBODY WORKS FOR “EXPOSURE”. “Exposure” doesn’t pay rent, bills, or anything else related to daily living expenses. And anyway, since you’re not gonna be there in the capacity of first lady, there’s no good reason for you to be there anyway, unless it’s to put a smiling coat of shellack on a turd.

21. Richard Fucking Drake. You want to castrate all trans people using the ladies’ room? Newsflash, sparky: A lot of them have already had that work done…by a trained medical professional. Which you are not. And if you really cared about protecting innocent people from perverts in bathrooms, you’d castrate yourself and your fellow Repugs…because there’s a lot more bathroom banditry among your own.

22. Steve Fucking King. What is this, John Lewis Defamation Week? Fuck off, you insect. And no, the Congressional Black Caucus isn’t “self-segregating”, they’re a caucus because they work on behalf of the very people you and yours have segregated out of everything. Including the voting booth. Bye!devos-bear.jpg

23. Betsy DeFucking Vos. Is she actually planning on doing anything about campus rape…other than scrapping the federal title providing protection to sexual assault claimants? Just the fact that she’s hedging, instead of giving a firm answer, tells me she’s up to no damn good. PS: Are you fuckin’ shittin’ us, lady? Kids do NOT need guns in school! Even in Alberta and BC, grizzly bears are NOT that much of a problem!

24. Sabrina Fucking Pyle. Oh, so you thought it would be funny to serve fried chicken and watermelon for a Martin Luther King Day “special”? Funny how stereotypes aren’t funny to the people they’re stereotyping, innit? And who the hell eats chicken with waffles, anyway?

25. Richard Fucking Spencer. Der Drumpf, the “first step toward identity politics”? Actually, I hope he’s the last…and that it leads straight off a cliff. And takes YOU with it, fascist fuck. PS: Nice to see your ugly haircut get knocked sideways. That’s what you get for defiling the National Press Club building with your “DeploraBall” shit, Nazi-boy.

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26. Tony Fucking Tinderholt. Is it just me, or does this dude look like Jared Loughner’s evil twin? Certainly his far-right anti-choice legislation is the evil twin of Loughner’s gun-mad paranoia…and the fact that both are/were aimed at women is surely no coincidence, either.

27. Sean Fucking Spicer. Uh, dumbass? Ben Fucking Carson is not “Hispanic”. Neither are Elaine Fucking Chao or Nikki Fucking Haley. Minorities are not interchangeable, even though you and your idiot boss clearly think they are. PS: And advertising your idiot boss’s tacky hotels is conflict of interest, dumbass.

28. Jim Fucking Bakker. Der Drumpf is “born-again”? When did THAT happen? There’s zero evidence for it, beyond his habit of picking the worst charlatans to offer prayers at his farce. And here’s THIS joker, no doubt hoping for publicity — oh sorry, redemption. He’s so tired of hawking survivalist barf-in-a-bucket, folks. He smells MONEY! And he’s hoping to get it by hitching his wagon to what’s already a fast-falling star. Honestly, I can’t wait till God smites this one. And if it takes a teacup full of polonium-210, so be it.

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29. Caitlyn Fucking Jenner. Well, she’s right about one thing: Repugs need help (and lots of it) understanding LGBT+ issues. But I doubt very much that she’s the one to teach them anything, since she still has so very much to learn herself…starting with the fact that her chosen party is no friend to HER.

30. Corey Fucking Lewandowski. What? He’s still here? And someone is still asking for his opinion and letting him babble it? Fuck right off, toadstool. And take your eight years of blinkers with you. If you don’t know or care what your own former boss has been saying for nearly a decade now, you’re worse than useless as a commentator. PS: Ha, ha.

31. Jeffrey Fucking Lord. No, dumbass, your boy was not one bit responsible for El Chapo undergoing extradition to the US for trial. He wasn’t in office when the order went out, remember? It’s been in the works since Barack Obama’s first term, FFS. And Drumpf won’t even start his first work day of his term until Monday, no doubt because he’ll be too hung over from all the drinking, coking and pussy-grabbing to start right away. So there is NO way he can take credit for this one, unless he owns a time machine.

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32. Dennis Fucking Hastert. Can you believe the nerve of this guy? First he paid one of his RAPE victims hush money so he wouldn’t talk about how Bastert RAPED him as a high schooler. Now that he’s talked about the RAPE, Bastert wants the hush money back. It’s like he’s RAPING him all over again, innit?

33. Steven Fucking Mnuchin. Who thinks that omitting to mention $100 million in assets is a mere “oversight”? Like it’s only worth a dime, or something? And really: Don’t guys this fucking rich have accountants and lawyers who take care of all their government paperwork, so disclosure isn’t so damn “complicated”? PS: Love the lame Cayman Islands excuses, too.

34. Stephen Fucking Harper. OMG, he actually still exists! And he actually TALKED! But what came out of his mouth is the most priceless of all. Go. Read it. Just READ it, already. And when you’ve done that, give thanks that he is no longer in office ANYWHERE here.

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35. David Fucking Leyonhjelm. Who? Oh, just a semi-automatic assault-mouth who thinks his own verbal diarrhea is hee-larious. Australia, whack his peepee!

36. Rudy Fucking Giuliani. Yup, nothing like an inauguration luncheon to lend a little dignity to old farts telling dirty jokes about 9-11. (Too soon?)

37. Ben Fucking Packer. Because it wouldn’t be a wankapedia without an Israelly uncool wanker, and this one’s a major Drumpf/Spencer fan with major human-rights-abuse cred, to boot. And just think, he’s a rabbi! What fucking kind of rabbi roots for antisemites?

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38. Cam Fucking Harris. First he tells the New York Times a sob-story about how he generated fake news about “Crooked Hillary” just to pay off his student loans. Poor millennial baby! Now the real truth emerges: He was a Repugnican operative all along, ratfucking and playing dirty tricks the way they all do. And he did more damage to US democracy than the Russians ever could. Why the FUCK is he not in jail right now, awaiting trial for treason? Oh yeah, I forgot: Meet the new boss, bigly-YUGELY worse than the old boss.

39. Mark Fucking Zuckerberg. Trying to sue native Hawaiians out of house and home (that they’ve held for generations) just so you can have a little beachfront retreat? How’s about a little Hawaiian punch, Fuckerberg?

40. Wolf Fucking Blitzer. Liar, liar, pants on…well, you know the drill. Voofy just couldn’t face the fact that his boy was preaching to an empty church, that’s all!

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And finally, to the new fucking Drumpf Misadministration. Right away, within half an hour of taking possession, they scrubbed all reference to healthcare, the environment, and human rights from the White House website. What did they put in their place? Patriotic garbage galore, long on blah-blah and short on substance. No real plans, just big talk of Big Plans. Fake news and bogus crime stats; how predictable. And oh yeah: Ads for Tacky Onassis’s unimpressive QVC baubles. (The watch dial has a letter M instead of a number 12 — how much more tackily egocentric could one get? Don’t worry, he’s still even worse than she — or Ivanka, who also lost no time shilling HER wares.)

Meanwhile, if you’re a middle-class homeowner who’s barely keeping your head above water, great news: You’re already screwed. And the “Make America Great Again” hats are made in Vietnam, too. Somehow, though, I don’t see #MakeVietnamGreatAgain trending on Twitter anytime soon.

Gonna be a long four years, folks, although I still don’t foresee him lasting it out…because when he learns that politics is NOT just “the art of the deal” (at which Der Drumpfler sucks anyway, if his long list of bankruptcies and stiffed contractors is any indication), he’s gonna storm out of the White House in a snit. And a flurry of increasingly incoherent tweets, too. Mark my words.

Keep protesting. Keep punching fascists out, too. Hell, curb-stomp the motherfuckers. After all, they voted for him.

Good night, and don’t let your country get any more fucked!

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