Wankers of the Week: Here come da judge…


Crappy weekend, everyone! And a very crappy one to the Drumpf Crime Family, bless all their soon-to-be-indicted asses. Been nice knowing ya, folks, but it will be so much nicer (and the air will smell so much cleaner) when nobody knows you anymore. And here’s who else deserves to be dumped in the dustbins of obscurity this week, in no particular order:

1. Mike Fucking Huckabee. Yes, even on a trip to Norway, Fuckabee just can’t resist making an ass of himself. This time with the old, never-funny joke about dead people voting. Respect for the deceased: He no haz it. Even though he’ll be one soon enough.

2. Mike Fucking Pence. And in other news of shitheads named Mike, we have the pro tempore VP…who thinks he knows what’s going on in the world. Better not get caught napping when it comes to Russia, Mikey…or be caught phoning with fascists in Venezuela, either.

3. Kevin Fucking Myers. I don’t know what’s more insulting: The idea that women don’t earn equal pay (at the rare times they actually get it, as opposed to 70 cents on an average man’s dollar), or the idea that Jewish women get paid more for being Jewish (and thus, stereotypically greedy and kvetchy). I’m going to go intersectional here and say that antisemitism + sexism = grounds for firing this bum, who definitely does NOT earn whatever the London Sunday Times were paying him.


4. Marjorie Fucking Dannenfelser. Hey! Remember how the “pro-life” right-wingers used to panic and scream about Obamacare “death panels”, and how those never materialized? Well, one of them TRIED to materialize last week, with the “skinny” repeal of Obamacare (which, mercifully, fell through). And guess who supported that death panel? Yeah…THIS “pro-life” right-winger, who has the deadest and most soulless eyes I’ve ever seen, outside of maybe a serial killer. Irony, thy name is Marjorie.

5. Ivanka Fucking Drumpf. Don’t give yourself airs, girl. Nobody has ANY expectations of you in the White House, let alone high ones. We’re all just expecting you, your dad, and everybody else in his orbit to clear out of there, A-fucking-SAP.

6. Michele Fucking Bachmann. Riddle me this: How the hell is reporting a hate crime a violation of the separation of church and state, let alone “fascist”? It isn’t. It’s enforcement of the church/state separation, in fact. It’s also profoundly ANTIfascist. But trust the Breeder to get it all bass-ackwards, like she always does.


7. Kim Fucking Kardashian. Gotta hand it to her for her talent and business acumen…she has a rare talent for getting sued, and sued, and sued again. At this rate, don’t be surprised if it turns out she has an acumen for running her businesses…straight into the ground.

8. Andrew Fucking Anglin. And in other wankers with alliterative names, how about him? He hates Muslims…except when they “honor”-kill other Muslims of different nationalities. Then, he salivates over the god-awful details; he probably blogged about it one-handed. How this is even remotely supposed to make sense, I do NOT know. But then again, when does anything a Nazi says or thinks EVER make sense? If those bastards knew what sense even was, they wouldn’t be Nazis.

9. Ralph Fucking Drollinger. Who? Oh, just some knob who thinks it’s “sinful” for women with children to become congresscritters. No, dopey…what’s sinful is to deny women —with children or without — a voice in politics. Especially since congressional legislation affects them AND children, too.


10. Eric Fucking Drumpf. Oh, wooky who haz a sad because no one is “fighting” for Dad. DIDDUMS!

11. Álvaro Fucking Uribe Fucking Vélez. Why the double Fucking? Because that’s just how evil and fascistic El Narco is, still thinking he has any business influencing South American politics in any way at all. Keep your paramilitary fuck-fingers to yourself there, Varito. Nobody loves you, nobody wants you, and Venezuela is sick to death of you.

12. Cheryl Fucking Gallant. Who? Oh, just some irrelevant schmuckette who gets her panties in a bunch about the weirdest things. Like anything that might upset her crushboy, Donnie Fucking Drumpf. Girl, this is CANADA. No one gives a shit about him here! PS: Dafuq is up with that Sixties helmet hair? You trying to copy Donnie, or compete with him in the hairspray-consumption department? Either way: Ugh.


13. William Fucking Shatner. Oh myyyyy, did a woman write words on the Internets that caused someone’s dick to fall off? Sure sounds like it. And I sure wish he’d shut the fuck up about it.

14. Everett Lee Fucking Compton, Jr. Because it wouldn’t be a wankapedia without a real, live wanker…or in this case, a donkey-bonker.

15. Wayne Fucking Welsh. So, the appropriate reaction to finding out your daughter likes a black boy is to commit infanticide in a bathtub? Well, aren’t YOU just the most charming fucking racist! And what a nice defensive reaction, too. Lots of heinous shit happens on the internet and social media, including child sexual abuse. Does that somehow make your shitty little meme okay? Nope, it doesn’t. Have a “blessed” day yourself…whatever the hell that’s supposed to mean.


16. Lara Fucking Drumpf. Because fake news isn’t fake enough for Donnie, there’s her little apple-polishing internetwebcast. And now that we’ve all heard of it, let’s hope we’ve heard the last of it.

17. Stephen Fucking Miller. Oy vey, what a schmuck. What would his great-grandfather say? Probably “Oy vey, what a schmuck”, too. And his great-grandma? Well, she’d say it in something other than English. Which she didn’t speak.

18. Paul Fucking Joseph Fucking Watson. Why the double Fucking? Because that’s how own-goalingly stupid he is. And so are all his notions about the ethnic diversity of Britain, which has actually changed very little since Roman times!

19. Lucian Fucking Wintrich. Why?


That’s why. Coming from a professional troll who owes his entire career, such as it is, to the lucky happenstance that his racist spoutings are protected under the First Amendment, that’s downright rich.

20. Ann Fucking Coulter. What was the Coultergeist saying the other day about smoking pot making you stupid? Sounds like she’s been hitting the bong pretty hard herself. What would the Grateful Dead say?

21. Eric Fucking Bolling. #17 is a “brilliant guy”? Um, NO. But what do you expect of a FUX Snooze professional doofus? Brains? PS: EWWWWW!


22. Jason Fucking Kenney. Gay-straight alliances are NOT a case of “politicians standing between parents and kids”, as Closetboy suggests. And they may in fact be a lifesaver for LGBT+ kids whose homophobic parents would either kill them or kick them out if they knew. At the very least, they’re a sign that kids deserve some privacy and discretion over whom they tell what about themselves. But hey, let’s go on pretending that Parents Always Know Best, eh? That’s a sure vote-getter for the pearl-clutching ‘wingers of Alberta!

23. Joe Fucking Scarborough. What does it take to get compared to Adolf Hitler in the so-called liberal media? Oh, just quoting a poem by Emma Lazarus — yes, that’s right, a Jewish woman — which argues for inclusive immigration. And people wonder why I’m so skeptical of him, and the concept of “liberal media” in general? At best, the man is an idiot.

24. Derek Fucking Fildebrant. Hey! Remember that old canard about the far-right being the party of white economic insecurity? Well, you might want to take a closer look at that, media buffoons…because they’re actually the party that’s CAUSING economic insecurity, and not just for whites. Case in point: HIM. Whom Alberta would do well to toss.


25. Rick Fucking Wiles. Dude, go home. You’re drunk. The only “demons” trying to bring down Donnie Fucking Drumpf are his own entrails, leaping up to strangle him and put the poor dumb motherfucker out of his misery.

26. Melania Fucking Drumpf. Oh, NOW she’s on the side of the disabled? Where the hell was Ms. Anti-Cyberbullying Campaigns when her Dear Hubby was openly mocking a disabled reporter? Oh, I see…he wasn’t doing it on the Internet, and he wasn’t tackling a military vet. I guess that totally changes everything. Also, she’s no longer campaigning against cyberbullying, not that she ever did fuck-all about it in the first place. See? No problem.

27. Gloria Fucking Mendoza. Pro tip, not that she’s likely to take it, onaccounta she’s a turd: The “I’m not the racist here, YOU are” card only works if you don’t post racist pictures comparing black women to apes. The instant you do, though, that card is null and void.


28. Jim Fucking Justice. Crossing the floor to join Donnie Fucking Drumpf? Why no, Gubnor, that won’t hurt your political prospects in the poorest state in the union…at all!

29. Martin Fucking Shkreli. Finally, FINALLY, some justice for PharmaBro. And of course, predictably, he’s whiny, pouty and petulant about it. Dude, learn to take your lumps like a fucking ADULT, already. There’s more, MUCH more, where that came from, so I’m sure you’ll gain plenty of practice over time.

30. Joe Fucking Walsh. Why?


Surprise! Lying liars lie. And since Joe’s a politician, I’m sure he knows alllllll about that.

And finally, to the so-called “alt-right”. They’re fixin’ to rumble in Charlottesville next week, and with any luck, they’ll end up eating their own rather than truly uniting this motley crew of uglies under one banner (for one Reich, and one fuck-faced Führer…ewwwwww.) Van Jones nailed them dead-on when he called them the Dirty Right. They ARE dirty…and they’re bound to get a lot filthier rolling in the mud together. Let’s hope they crumble up and fall apart when the mud dries, because that’s one shit-clod that nobody wants clinging to them.

Good night, and get fucked!

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