Film at 11…or whenever you’re watching this:
Happy New Year, by the way. I missed you, too. Now, back to our irregularly scheduled rant:
HOW DAMN HARD IS IT (she yelled, sorry) FOR A GROWN-ASS MAN TO JUST OPEN A DAMN CAN OF BEANS FOR HIS HUNGRY KID? For that matter, HOW DAMN HARD IS IT TO JUST SHOW HER HOW TO WORK A DAMN CAN OPENER SO SHE CAN FEED HERSELF?
Apparently, for the Father of the Year here, it’s impossible.
Even though she’s nine years old, and quite capable of understanding simple instructions, do you think he can just take a minute or two out from fiddling with his fucking jigsaw puzzle and give her them?
He can’t do it without expecting her to suddenly turn into some kind of miniature mechanical engineer. He can’t do it without punishing her for her apparent lack of inherent mechanical aptitude by telling her all kinds of goddamn fucking stupid fish stories. And oh yeah, he can’t do it without TWEETING THE WHOLE IDIOTIC SAGA TO AN UNDESERVING INTERNET.
Yeah, that’s right. That shitty person can’t even feed his poor hungry kid without making a literal production out of it, starving and humiliating and boring her by turns, and then writing the dumbest Twitter essay ever, and boring us and making us feel vicariously embarrassed for her in turn. (No doubt he was expecting the Twitterati to lap it all uncritically up. HooooBOY, was HE wrong.)
And this was supposed to be a lesson in critical thinking and mechanical competence, supposedly couched as problem-solving and/or survival skills? One wonders what third-rate School of Hard Knocks™ graduated Dear Ol’ Dad here. (All Schools of Hard Knocks™ are third-rate, BTW.)
But wait! You thought this saga was dumb? It gets dumber…
And then, it gets better:
Maybe, if his kid is lucky, she’ll one day get to live with someone who actually cares about her, and not stupid jigsaw puzzles, or some idiot podcast, or scoring right-wing ideological points on the internet. Someone, maybe, who isn’t going to belabor her with irrelevant shit in lieu of, you know, JUST HELPING HER FIX A PROPER FUCKING MEAL.