News of the Restless

Crappy weekend, everyone! Well, I’m back to the wankapedic grind. And Canada is back from being Harpolandia — we all devoutly hope. So let’s get right down to this week’s wankers, shall we?

1. Justin Fucking Trudeau. Yes, that’s right, the Trudizzle made the list this week. How? By promising to take right up where Harpo left off with the TPP, instead of wiping his ass on it as any self-respecting real leader would. Even before he was sworn in as our new prime minister, he was already repeating and bolstering the mistakes of the old one. Whatever happened to Real Change™? Oh yeah…just another stinkin’ campaign slogan. And just another broken election promise. Those, alas, really are as Canadian as maple syrup.

2. David Fucking Bannister. Cleaning house? That’s woman’s work! Which would no doubt explain why so many bachelors live in ratty dumps with actual mushrooms growing off the shower wall. Unless they’re gay, in which case the place is immaculate, because THOSE guys don’t expect their wifey-mummies to pick up after them. They know damn well that there isn’t gonna BE a wifey to mummy them, so they just man up and do the damn work, and even divvy up the chores between them without complaint. So, straight dudes, here’s a radical thought: How about you become the woman you want to marry? Because that would automagically give you guys an edge over all those other whiny weenies out there who can’t even be bothered to put the lid back on the toothpaste tube. Whiny weenies like this one, who thought an ode to his own wounded masculinity would be just the thing to grace the pages of Canada’s National Newspaper™. The same, incidentally, that endorsed Harperism without Stephen Fucking Harper.

3. This fucking wankeress right here:

Sadly, I don’t know her name. But I wouldn’t be a bit surprised if she’s one of those anti-immigrant types. Who else would make a Halloween costume to mock other women’s suffering?

4. Owen Fucking Labrie. The more I read about this toxic twerp, the less inclined I am to sympathize with him, and the more I think he should have been convicted of rape and gotten a longer sentence. When evidence shows that he kvetched to his buddies, in true pickup-artist fashion, about how he “pulled every trick” to demonstrate how entitled he was to sex whether she wanted it or not, it’s kind of hard not to draw the conclusion that she’s been raped twice here: once by him, and once by the legal system. Maybe even a third time, since social conditioning sets women and girls up for victimhood, just as it sets males up to be abusers.

5. Richard Fucking Spencer. How the hell does one “Become Who We Are”? Why, by just making sure “we” can’t see or interact with “them”, “they” being non-white people. In other words: Be whiter than whiter than white, with entire states dedicated to whiteness. Most hee-larious? Comparing white supremacists to Jews and gay-rights activists, the very people they usually love to hate. But hey! At least he admits his ideas are terrible, and beyond the pale. Yes, they are. And with any luck, that’s where they’ll stay.

6. Ben Fucking Carson. Oh myyyy, where to start? Well, how about with bogus prostate cancer remedies? Or a stabbing that didn’t happen? Or how trans people need separate bathrooms so they don’t make us cis folks “uncomfortable”? Take your pick, folks, there’s lots to choose from. And just think, this man thinks he can be POTUS. Maybe he should start trying to run a pop stand instead…if he doesn’t make a hash of that, too. PS: Ha, ha.

7. Paul Fucking Ryan. Hey, Eddie Munster: If you think Planned Parenthood (which deals in a LOT more than just abortion and birth control) shouldn’t get one red cent of public funding, guess what? NEITHER SHOULD YOU. Why? Because you’re a fucking moocher and a hypocrite, that’s why.

8. Jeff Fucking Crawford. So, a woman’s body belongs to God, but not her? Whom does a man’s body belong to, and why aren’t they just as strictly policed as women’s, then? (I think we may have found the pseudonymous troll who writes the odious “Biblical Gender Roles” blog, folks.) PS: Oh fuck, he’s Josh Duggar’s pastor? That explains a lot…

9. Daryush Fucking Valizadeh. Poor Roosh V! He’s having absolutely no luck with his new “neomasculinity” project. You know, the one where he takes the old, worn-out “masculinity”, dresses it up as Something Completely Different under his personal brand, and then unleashes it on an unsuspecting world…AGAIN? And tries to turn a profit off it? Well, no one’s buying. Including the white supremacists he’s trying so hard to woo. They hate him because he’s Iranian, and therefore (ironically) not “Aryan” enough! (I say “ironically”, because Iran means “Land of the Aryans”, in Farsi. What Hitler called “Aryan” is, on the other hand, just northwestern Europeans with a lightish coloring.) I would feel sorry for him, but Roosh is the guy who’s made a career writing how-to books for rapists. And actually made some money off it…not much, but still. So no, no pity for him from me. Just pointing and laughter, as usual. (And at the racists, too, of course, for attracting such a fuck-up of a suck-up.)

10. Uri Fucking Ariel. Just how much of an apartheid country IS Israel now? So much so that their minister of agriculture actually proposed segregating cats by sex, instead of neutering them, which he claims is against religious law. And to transfer all kitties of this or that gender to another country “that will have them”. Just like Palestinians? Oy fucking vey.

11. Paul Fucking Singer. And while we’re on the subject of oy-fucking-vey, how about this hedge fund vulture? Not content to pillage Argentina (or try to), he’s now thrown his support behind one of the very bottommost Repugnican bottom-feeders: Marco Fucking Rubio. There just isn’t enough facepalm in the world, is there?

12. Cecil Fucking Bell. And speaking of not-enough-facepalm, there’s this guy, who claims — even though it’s now a done deal — that marriage equality doesn’t exist. Well, maybe up his ass it doesn’t. But everywhere else in the US of A, it does!

13. Theresa Fucking Sharp. Awwww. Isn’t it touching how she sticks up for her husband? Even though he’s been caught red-handed in his Kluker robes at a cross-burning, she insists it was only a joke gone out of hand. Yes, it’s most definitely out of hand. And now the joke’s on HER. Ha, ha, ha.

14. Jeb Fucking Bush. Sorry, Jebby, but “Jeb Can Fix It” isn’t a very good campaign slogan. Aside from the fact that it isn’t true (your campaign is damaged beyond repair already), it’s also shades of the late, unlamented pedoperv, Jimmy Fucking Savile. And, oh yeah: Florida 2000!

15. Rupert Fucking Murdoch. He “celebrated” his new ownership of National Geographic…by slashing jobs. Hundreds of them, and all in the name of his own vanity. So glad my family don’t subscribe anymore. What do you bet the first post-Rupee issue will look like? I have a fair idea:

Yeah. Just like that. Ugh.

16. Angela Fucking Box. And if you ever wonder why #15 is the worst thing to happen to media in the world (yes, even Lord Blah-Blah doesn’t come close), take a look at who the hell Rupee’s media properties hire. This woman is literally a professional racist. And her whole job is to smear non-whites with every effluent imaginable.

17. Franklin Fucking Graham. And speaking of professionally prejudiced people, how about Wanklin here? Yeah, I think I’ll be calling him that from now on. Russia is a shit-awful place to be gay, and the last thing LGBT Russians need is to have some wankin’ yank whacking off all over them.

18. Robin Fucking McKie. And then there’s this guy, who courteously gave anonymity to some fossil who thinks that an all-female expedition to recover some early human bones from a very small cave was just a “publicity stunt”. No, Robby…that’s when men just urinate all over professional scientists doing their job, and think that some kind of reverse-sexist gender quota was at work. Too bad for you that the job posting was non-gender-specific. Even worse for you, the women in question WERE all selected on the basis of their merits…a thing men like you think we don’t have. Probably because you don’t have it yourselves.

19. Cameron Fucking Halsall. Why?

That’s why. As a woman who wears short skirts (and sometimes even with hoodies!), I can say categorically that there’s no “might be” about this. It’s WRONG, period…and so are opinions like this. (And no, rape is not “sex on trial”, either. It’s ASSAULT on trial, asshole!)

20. Michael Fucking Kelly. And again: Rape is NOT about sex or being “willing”. And if the victim is 12 years old, her “willingness” should not even be in question. She’s not old enough to consent, and what the hell kind of pervert wants to stick his dick in 12-year-olds?

21. Jim Fucking Collins. And speaking of “what the hell kind of pervert”, we have…THiS GUY. Who is, ironically (or maybe NOT so ironically?) a consultant for the Repugnican party on “family values”. And he managed to hold down this lucrative post while sexually abusing boys between the ages of 11 and 18, too! What a trooper!

22. William Fucking Lloyd. Meanwhile, in the world of consensual sex practices (which is to say, ACTUAL sex), we have…THIS GUY. Who apparently sucks at giving oral sex, because girl bits are so icky. What a charmer!

23. Eric Fucking Raymond. Watch out for women in tech, trying to get other women into tech! They’re out to “falsely” accuse men. Of what? Oh, probably of trying to keep women OUT of tech, as this asshole is doing. In which case, that accusation isn’t false; it’s just a bald statement of fact. Oh, and sexual harassment and rape? Yup, they happen to women in tech. And the perpetrators just happen to be men in tech, oftener than not. (And if the commentariat on this article is anything to go by, guess who is probably just such a harasser himself.)

24. Rick Fucking Santorum. Awww, isn’t it cute? Buttsploodge is trying so hard to seem relevant. To the point of claiming “victories” he hasn’t “won”. Bless his frothy brown heart…

25. Kevin Fucking Swanson. So, let me see if I got this straight: This bible-thumping blowhard thinks that women being sexually enslaved and prostituted is better than them going on welfare (and having even the smallest measure of self-determination and dignity in the process)? Ugh. You can just tell he’s itching to be a john, can’t you.

26 and 27. Jill Fucking Duggar and Derick Fucking Dillard. Yup, that’s right, kiddies, they weren’t in El Salvador to bring those (devoutly Catholic) heathens to Quiverfull Jeebus. They were just there having a dirty weekend, so to speak. Which is fine and dandy if you’re gonna do it, but not if you lie about it for dollars. Jesus doesn’t like it when you lie, remember?

28. August Fucking Kreis the Fucking Third. Why the double Fucking? Because that’s how obscene this guy is. Not only is he a kiddie diddler (ewwwwww), but he’s also a Kluker and a supporter of The Donald (EWWWWWWW!) And he also thought it would favorably influence the jury if he wore his politics on his sleeve during his trial. Thankfully, nobody was stupid enough to fall for that. But nice fucking chutzpah you got there anyway, bubba!

29. Opal Fucking Covey. Delusions: She haz them. Guess Jesus didn’t want her to win that election after all…EVER.

30. Martin Fucking Shkreli. Well, well. So Little Big Man thought he was so smart, buying up the rights to produce a toxoplasmosis cure and then jacking the price of it through the roof (before running the company into the ground, no doubt)? Seems the US Senate has other ideas about that. And now little Marty’s in trou-ble…na, na, na-na, na!

And finally, to our own dear fucking SupposiTories. Yes, ALL of them. The Party of Misogyny has finally, belately tried to do something about that cold, callous, he-man woman-hating image. Unfortunately, it appointed their do-nothing former Status of Women minister as interim leader. And probably fed her the line that she would call for an investigation into all those missing and murdered indigenous women’s disappearances, too. Gee, it would have been nice to hear her say that while she was still in that portfolio, except that Widdle Stevie Peevie no doubt muzzled her and told her to do nothing but mouth platitudes the whole time. Just as she’s doing now, when she has no power to do doodley-squat about all those missing women. But hey! At least the party has a nice, soft, pink image now — or at least, a woman who’ll pick up all the poopy after it.

Good night, and get fucked!