News of the Restless

Crappy weekend, everyone! Yes, I pulled it together, and pulled some wankers…well, not out of my hat, exactly, because they wouldn’t all fit in there. I just found these people all lying around, and lying their lying butts off. And here they are, in no particular order:

1. Bibi Fucking Netanyahu. You thought Holocaust deniers were historical revisionists? How about Holocaust abusers? Yup, Bibi is one, and he’s also abusing history. Turns out that Hitler was burning Jews months before he even met the Grand Mufti, the one that Bibi wants to blame for planting that demon seed in little Adolf’s brain. And the one that Bibi would also no doubt like to blame for all those rock-throwing Palestinian kids making life so inconvenient for the likes of him. When even Angela Merkel isn’t having it, oy, Bibi…put a sock in it already.

2. Kevin Fucking O’Leary. Right on time, even before Justin Trudeau is sworn in as PM after ten long years of national nightmare, up croaks a crapitalist raven of bode and woe, wringing his claws about all those sweet, sweet tax cuts that the rich will no longer get. Thus ensuring what, exactly? A brain drain that didn’t happen last time the rich had to pay taxes, either? Canada in fact had a net brain GAIN during the pre-Harpo era, crazy as it may sound. And all that without having to lure in rich “investor” immigrants, too. Gee, it’s almost as if smart people from abroad LIKE our system when it’s socially just!

3 and 4. Joe Fucking Miller and William Fucking Briggs. So, brain scientists using transcranial magnets have proved that a belief in God is a trick of our temporal lobes, not proof that God actually exists. How the hell these two manage to spin it to mean that trans people can erase God from the world with magnets and eugenics, I do not know. I am not the Jackass Whisperer. And I don’t speak Gibberish or Feckin’ Eejit, people!

5. Cody Fucking Jackson. “Facebook heartthrob”, you say? Facebook PSYCHOPATH, is more like it. What else would YOU call it if a guy used social media to lure under-age girls, and then kept them prisoner, raped them, controlled every aspect of their lives, and even got them pregnant without a second thought? Well, let’s hope that the boys in jail find this child-sex offender all hubba-hubba, too, in the way they so often do.

6. Petra Fucking Laszlo. So, to recap: Not only did this fascist Hungarian TV camerawoman have the gall to trip at least three Syrian refugees who were only passing through, now she’s going to sue them, too! And she plans to move to Russia…which, BTW, is helping Syria take out the ISIL trash that’s causing all those refugees to run to Europe in the first place. Let’s hope Pooty-Poot has as many laughs at her expense as I’m enjoying right now.

7. Paul Fucking Ryan. How fucking Randroid can you get? No paid family leave for the Little People. Only HIM. And just think, this numbskull wants to take Boner’s place as Speaker of the US House of Representatives? Whom does he represent, at this point, other than his own selfish self?

8. Daryush Fucking Valizadeh. Now that Roosh V has hit the wall (not that he was ever far from it, as he was a spectacularly unattractive man to begin with), he’s starting to get all moralistic and conservo-wankish. Yes, that’s right, one of the world’s foremost advocates of legalized rape is now claiming that same-sex marriage is the “degeneracy” that will destroy us all, and that he’s just the man to stand athwart it, throwing a hissyfit. Not sure what he expects to accomplish with it, but I know exactly what he’ll succeed in accomplishing: NOTHING, as usual.

9. Wayne Fucking Gretzky. So, it turns out that the Not-So-Great-Anymore One was “only doing Stephen Harper a favor” when he endorsed him. O RLY? Here’s what it really was: A favor to the tune of at least $50,000. Because Wayne-o never met a dollar bill he didn’t like. Especially since he started racking up all those illegal gambling debts.

10. Doug Fucking Ford. You thought US Repugnican politics was a clown show? Hang onto your popcorn, ladies ’n’ gents…Druggy Dougie is thinking of throwing his hash-filled hat into the ring for leadership of our very own SupposiTories! Laffs and pratfalls galore, comin’ right at you!

11. Dick Fucking Cheney. Oh look, the Big Dick has a book out! And it’s all about the excuses he’s still making for all his fuckups, after all this time. Just shut up and die already, you vile old man.

12, 13, 14, 15 and 16. Tucker Fucking Steil, James Fucking Basile, Christian Fucking Guy, Kyle Fucking Hughes, and Austin Fucking Rice. Forget the Crips and the Bloods. And never mind ghetto. You want real gangsta? White southern frat boys are IT, y’all. And these five ganged up on a bro from another frat and beat the poor bastard within an inch of his life. Hazings are one thing, but this is murder. Let’s just hope it doesn’t turn out to be literal.

17 and 18. Gwyneth Fucking Paltrow and Habib Fucking Sadeghi. Just in time for Breast Cancer Month, yay! A resurrection of the old “bras cause breast cancer” myth. Never mind that they don’t, never have, and never will. If they did, EVERY woman in the developed world would have breast cancer. And in fact, most never do. Oops! If you’re going to go that route, you could at the very least name the “toxins” that are supposedly responsible for all this carcinomic havoc, couldn’t you? Can’t we consciously uncouple from all this fucking goop, already?

19. Averil Fucking Macdonald. Actually, Perfesser, women understand fracking just fine. And that’s why they oppose it. But it’s clear that you don’t. Gee, don’t tell me it’s because you’re a woman, and you think with what’s between your legs! And no, I’m not talking about your vagina. I’m talking about what you find further back. Kindly get your head out of your ass and stop mansplaining to us. You’re a woman, and you should know better.

20. Steven Fucking Blaney. Yeah, getting rid of the long-gun registry and allowing semiautomatics, including those that can be converted to full-auto terror weapons, was a GREAT idea! And what could go wrong? Well, other than some extreme right-wing terrorist running amok in Moncton and killing Mounties with just such a weapon, I mean? And on YOUR watch, too. Man, am I glad to be seeing the back of the Harper Government™. And if the Trudizzle is smart, he’ll restore everything the Harpocrats trashed. And I do mean EVERYFUCKINGTHING.

21. Martin Fucking Shkreli. Why do I get the feeling that the attempt to throw money at Bernie Sanders (who prides himself on being nobody’s corporate tool) was just a troll move all along? Oh, because now Sulky PharmaBro is threatening to throw it at a Repug. And we all know that THAT party never met a crooked, corporate dollar it didn’t love, love, LOVE. PS: Ha, ha!

22. Anibal Fucking Cavaco Fucking Silva. Why the double Fucking? Because that’s how fascist and undemocratic it is to ban leftist parties who don’t want Portugal to bow down to the EU and the IMF and thus leave the Portuguese people in the lurch. Portugal will be doubly fucked if this goes on any longer.

23. Gilles Fucking Duceppe. It’s hard to imagine anyone out-racisting Harpo in the last election campaign, but guess who did that? Yup. THIS GUY. Because the pure laine Québec vote can’t survive without a spectre clad in a niqab. So long, and don’t let the door hit you where your mama done split you, you fucking Nazi.

24. Earl Fucking Cowan. Oh sure, Angry Old ConMan, blame the media (who actually ENDORSED them!) for the SupposiTories’ defeat…and not your own rudeness, racism and all-around shittiness. This was a defeat that was richly deserved, so SUCK IT!

25. Bartholomew Fucking Schumacher. Oh, so an oppressive dickweed trying to scare women with fetus-fetish porn is upset because a counterdemonstrator is trolling him with the truth? Gee. I’d feel a lot more sorry for him if he weren’t also a pervert who kept it all in the family when he tied up, punched, and raped a woman at knifepoint.

26. Ben Fucking Carson. So, some speech should be more free than others, eh? And of course, FASCIST speech should be favored over anything to the left of centre. Well, Ben, thanks for spelling out, most definitively, why you should not and never will be president. Adios, cabrón.

27 and 28. Donald Fucking Trump and Jeb Fucking Bush. Either one would be a disaster as POTUS, and neither one, fortunately, stands a snowball’s chance of becoming it. And the way those two squabble alone is proof that neither one has what it takes to vacuum the carpet in the Oval Office…much less wipe their dirty shoes on it, as we all know they’re both dying to do.

29. Peter Fucking MacKay. Blah blah blah Conservative Party blah blah more inclusive blah blah blabbity blah blah. Stow it, Petey. You’ve already had ten years in which you could have done that, and what were you doing? Dissing Belinda Stronach after she dumped you (yeah, I wonder why, too), goin’ fishin’ (and getting your ass extricated by a helicopter belonging to us taxpayers), marrying a humanitarian-slash-beauty queen (and dissing women who work), and just generally doing every damn thing you could to avoid the question of why your party is so damn Anglo and white and male and Christian and blah blah blah. And since you’re officially retired from politics, why are you still talking like a PM in waiting — or the savior of a party that ought to be buried with a stake in its heart? Go give your wife a hand around the house already, and STFU.

30. Stephen Fucking Harper. Yes, kiddies, you just KNEW he would squeeze in (or rub out?) one last wank before leaving 24 Sussex to the exorcists. And it came during his concession speech, which sounded weirdly like a victory speech hastily rewritten (and probably was). No word about what he planned to do with himself after his crushing defeat by the Trudizzle Liberals. Probably because he had no such plans. He probably expected to just carry on where he left off as PM-slash-Führer of a more-racist-than-ever Canada, complete with Barbaric Cultural Practices snitchlines, and was totally unprepared for what came on Monday night. Then he saw the writing on the wall, huffed “Pooh!”, and flounced, leaving members of his own party to wonder WTF was going on. And putting the entire party in the awkward position of having to issue a banal press release instead of, you know, facing the press himself. But that’s not his job anymore, and he’s spent the last seven years letting the National Press Gallery gather dust anyway. He hates the media even when they bow down, on boss’s orders, to kiss his ass. And he’s determined, no doubt, that they shall not have him to kick around even though he thoroughly deserves it. Controlling, totalitarian, unaccountable to anyone for anything — so long, Stevie, we won’t fucking miss you!

And finally, to the fucking numbskulls out west who think they can secede. No, you fucking can’t. Confederation is not going to be rewritten just so you perennial wankers can finally feel superior to Ontario — or Québec. If the Bloc Québécois couldn’t saw off a populous province, what makes you think you stand a chance? You’re sitting in a mostly-empty chunk of land, talking bullshit out of a mostly-empty skull. You are losers for a reason, and that reason is that you don’t represent a majority of Canadians even in your own patch of dirt. In more than a hundred years, you haven’t had a fresh or original idea amongst the lot of you. You just vote for the right-wingers because that’s what your great-great-grandpa did. You don’t deserve to win, and you don’t deserve your own damn country, either.

Oh, and another thing: Lay off Rachel Notley. She won fair and square, and so did Justin Trudeau. Grow up, and accept your defeat like fucking adults! You’re all as fascistic and childish as your boy, Wanker #30. And frankly, your defeat in both the Alberta and the federal elections looks damn good on all of you.

Good night, and get fucked!