Crappy weekend, everyone! Well, Israel’s finally gone and done it…making their big bid for what’s left of Palestine right now, with the invasion of Gaza. Things are falling down and going boom all over the place; shit’s fucked up and bullshit. But hey! Enough of that depressing shit. How about some more depressing shit? And here are the depressing shits who shat it out for us this week, in no particular order:
1. David Fucking VanDerBeek. You know you’re a stochastic terrorist when you keep calling for “more blood” amid a wave of violence and shootings that accomplishes…absolutely nothing except to scare the shit out of people who have no intention of voting your way. If you think that’s a revolution, I feel sorry for you. You’ve got nothing to fight for, nothing to die for…and nothing to live for, either.
2. Garry Fucking Neilson. Incest and pedophilia will become more acceptable, just like being gay? Nope, nope, nope, nope, NOPE. There are sound reasons why two of those things are not like the other. And WTF is a “consensual” adult incest relationship? What was sexual abuse when the victim was a child does not just magically become consensual once she crosses the 18-year mark, you idiot.
3. Pat Fucking Robertson. No, Patwa, witch ancestors do not cause stomach trouble. You are not a doctor, and you are not qualified to diagnose. But I’m quite willing to go along with the general theory that your ancestors were inbred imbeciles.
4. Jason Fucking Kenney. Why?
Actually, Jason dear, Israel is using its weapons against Gaza’s citizens. But hey! Why should you care about a little thing called facts when you could be blowing Bibi just a weeny bit harder?
5. Slavoj Fucking Zizek. I never did take him seriously as an intellectual, much less as a leftist, and boy, am I GLAD. I do feel sorry for all the schlong-suckers out there who’ve latched onto this lazy-ass plagiarist, though. PS: Ha, ha. PPS: Ha, ha, ha!
6. Dinesh Fucking D’Souza. Meanwhile, on the other end of the bogus-intellectual spectrum, D’Looza insists that history never happened. Which is kind of ironic when you consider how quickly he was swept into its dustbin.
7. Duane Fucking Youngblood. Oh look! Another professional homophobe’s closet door got kicked down by all the pink-clad skeletons within. Maybe this one should no longer be allowed access to kids, since he’s obviously a bad role model in every sense of the word…eh?
8. Oscar Fucking Pistorius. Anger management? What’s that? You don’t need it, any more than you need good advice from your lawyer. After all, you have a huge macho ego to feed and stoke!
9. Todd Fucking Akin. No, dumbfuck, you and Tailgunner Joe are not the victims of a media witch-hunt. You are both victims of nothing but your own fucking stupidity. And it serves both of you bloody well right that you enjoy zero credibility to this day.
10. William Fucking Happer. Carbon is the new Jew, and climate-change denialists are the new Galileo. Did you know that? I did not know that. Huh.
11. Renee Fucking Ellmers. No, dear, women are not too dumb to understand high-level policy discussions. The problem with the Repugnican Party is that it quite simply doesn’t believe in any policy that treats women as full-fledged people, rather than property of a man and/or a temporary lodging for a fetus. Until the party stops that, your position in the party is that of window dressing for the War on Women, and nothing more. And female voters, not being stupid, will not be fooled…nor particularly pleased that you think your own sex deserves to be talked down to.
12. Terry Fucking Branstad. Church/state separation? Wut dat? Oh, just another pesky impediment to the Theocracy of Iowa.
13. Marc Fucking Stanley. Meanwhile, in the Wang State, we have a “sovereign” shittizen who thinks that laws don’t apply to him, and he should be allowed to steal and resell copper wire from lightposts that don’t belong to him. Sorry, pal, but bafflegab and gibberish don’t trump legalese. And you’re not sovereign. All laws still apply just as much to you as they do to the next common crook.
14. Rob Fucking Ford. It’s been a fairly cool summer in these parts, but that won’t stop Robbo’s pants from giving off vast clouds of toxic smoke. And hey! He mentioned the ol’ “gravy train” again. Everybody take a drink now!
15 and 16. Wayne Fucking Ronayne and Paula Fucking Carter. Alcohol: Not even once.
17. Kevin Fucking Martin. Yet another wanker who gives trilbies a bad name. What is it with asinine dudes and “fedoras”, anyway?
18. Yair Fucking Lapid. Oh noes, Israel is being boycotted! This is, of course, only to be expected when you claim “It’s Not Genocide When WE Do It!”
19. Abigail Fucking Fisher. Sorry, no Affirmative Action program for stupid white kids. You’re gonna have to buckle down and work if you want to get into the school of your choice, same as everyone else.
20. Mark Fucking Regev. Don’t play drinking games with this one, you guys…if you took a whole drink every time he says “Let me be clear”, you’d be dead of alcohol poisoning by now. And of course, everything he says is clear as mud, too.
21. Mark Fucking Levin. Yes, Jon Stewart’s name is a slight variation on the name that’s on his birth certificate. So fucking what? Everything else he says is true. If all you’ve got to pick on is is name, you might just be a wanker.
22. George Fucking Gibbs. Gee, I guess that 70,000-pound judgment you won from a British paper that told the truth about you will have to be repaid now. Assuming you haven’t blown it all on grooming underage boys for your own sexual amusement, that is. Enjoy jail, absolutely free!
23. Sandy Fucking Rios. Anyone besides me struck by the irony of a woman with a Spanish surname trying to make lepers out of Latin American kids her own country put into dire straits by supporting drug wars and death squads in their countries? Oh good, not just me then.
24. Pedro Fucking Custodio. So, he ripped a mike out of a reporter’s hand because she dared to ask him why he raped women at a shelter he ran? Well, duh. It’s all so obvious. They were vulnerable and in a time of need. Therefore, they MUST have been asking for it!
25. Rush Fucking Limbaugh. So, that latest Malaysian jetliner crash was timed just right to save Obama’s black ass yet again? Wow. That tinfoil’s gettin’ tight there, isn’t it, Rush?
26. Thomas Fucking Thorpe. Oh, how quaint. You said knee-grow instead of nigger. Guess that makes you totally not a racist for not wanting a black public defender standing next to you, huh?
27. Sheila Fucking Kihne. What business is it of yours if single mothers have wedding receptions? One doesn’t “earn” them by being a virgin — one pays for them, preferably having set aside enough money ahead of time to do so. Why the hell do you care what other women do with their own money? What are you, the wedding police?
28. Steve Fucking Green. For fuck’s sake, if the bible means that much to you, go read it in your own little room, like Jesus said. And don’t go building monuments to it in the nation’s capital like a fucking hypocrite.
29. Magdo Fucking Haro. No. you can’t pray the gay out of your daughter. And you can’t beat and rape it out of her, either.
30. Michael Fucking Peroutka. How’s that “Constitution Party” thing coming along? Not very well? Well, don’t worry. The Repugs are just as discredited by now, and with additional loopiness, they’re sure to lose for a long, long time!
31. Mitch Fucking McConnell. Yes, by all means, keep that ol’ turtle head in the sand when it comes to women and students. After all, you’ve done your duty by “financing three daughters at out-of-state schools”, huh huh huh.
32. Gianluca Fucking Buonanno. If you’re going to ban gay kissing, why not just ban ALL public kissing in your town? That way, you may be a prudish idiot, but you’ll at least be a consistent prudish idiot.
33. Vinod Fucking Khosla. Yup, PUBLIC protest to maintain PUBLIC access to a PUBLIC beach is “blackmail”. But then again, corporatists obviously have no concept of PUBLIC, so there’s that.
34. Jason Fucking Calacanis. And speaking of corporatists without a clue, there’s this one. Who thinks “not trying hard enough” is the only reason why people fall through the cracks. Could we possibly jump through any more hoops on the edge of the Grand Fucking Canyon? Jesus H. Christ. Oh, and to crown it all: He’s a chronic failure in business himself. But hey! As long as there’s still money to fling around at random, don’t anyone call HIM unsuccessful!
35. Sara Fucking Hellwege. It can’t be said often enough: If your “conscience” gets in the way of you doing the job, get the fuck out and let someone else in who will do it. Oh yeah, and don’t sue for being let go if you refused to do the job, either.
36. Megyn Fucking Kelly. So who said the days of late-term abortions are over, much less that no one wants to return to them? Um, SHE did. Why? Because she’s a fucking idiot with her head in a shitload of sand, that’s why! But hey…it’s nice to know she’s objectively pro-murder, eh?
37. Louie Fucking Gohmert. Why?
38. Robert Fucking Lyzenga. Yay! Another Pastor Pervert. This one took pictures of female parishioners as young as five years old, with a hidden camera in the church’s washrooms. Jesus is nauseated.
39. Bill Fucking Maher. New Rule: Thou shalt not toss out sexism in defence of Zionism. Come to think of it, why dost thou defend Zionism, considering it’s currently waging a major crime against humanity?
40. Woody Fucking Allen. Oh joy! The Yucko of the Year blames Arabs for the blatant Israeli land-grab going on in Gaza right now. Because they weren’t nice enough to the settler-colonials, natch. If only he could fade into total irrelevance now, that would be great.
And finally, to those ghouls spawning all over the hillsides of Sderot. Yeah, congrats, assholes, you got the local CNN reporter sent to Russia instead. Too bad the world still knows what you’re doing there. We’ve already seen, and we are fucking disgusted to think we share DNA with the likes of you. Cheering for a land-grab war, AND trying to silence the media? That’s just VILE.
Good night, and get fucked!
