News of the Restless

Stupid Sex Tricks: Russian Chatroulette

Posted on August 7, 2014 by Sabina Becker

Ever have one of those nights where you’re bored out of your skull, so much so that you’ll take your chances on a random video chat with some strange person who is probably whacking off as you speak? Yeah, me neither. But I guess all these Russkies had just such a night, and got trolled by this dude. Who had his hands full…of everything but what you’d expect. (Stick around for the end, and you’ll see him get trolled right back!)

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It was 100 years ago today…

Posted on August 4, 2014 by Sabina Becker

Canada’s part in World War I began at the same time as Britain’s: on August 4, 1914, when the latter declared war on Germany after what was considered an “insufficient” response by Germany to a British order not to violate Belgium’s neutrality by passing through it en route to France, against whom Germany had declared war just the previous day.

Contrary to Sir Robert Borden’s claims that it was a war “not for lust of conquest, not for greed of possessions”, it was very much a clash of imperial interests. One has only to look at how many of the key players in the whole ungodly mess were emperors, and how many of them had recently annexed territory that wasn’t theirs (Austria-Hungary), or were claiming to “defend” the same, with an eye to annexing it themselves (Romanov Russia). And one has only to look at how many key players lost their emperors around the war’s end to realize that imperialism-disguised-as-honor was a load of bullshit that the common folk of those lands were no longer buying.

And Canada? Well, we’re still wrestling with that one. We’re no longer “Children of Empire”, a phrase that fell out of fashion after the end of the second world war — a war made inevitable by the unsettled animosities of the first, and especially by the ruinous conditions of the Treaty of Versailles. But back then, according to official accounts, “our boys” were all gung-ho for king and (distant, overseas) country. There was the usual clichéd appeal to honor and glory on this side of the Atlantic, and Anglo-Canadian enlistees were quick to sign on. (Non-Anglo immigrants and their sons, not so much. Especially not those who happened to be German. Perhaps because theirs was a kind of third-class citizenship to begin with, and because on top of this bigotry, they faced a lot of persecution from snobby twits with English names, and so felt, with justification, that the glorious British imperial cause was not worth dying for? Oh, probably.)

And speaking of clichéd appeals, if you were to have a drinking game based on the use of the word “gallant” (often in conjunction with “little Serbia”) in news and propaganda of the day, you’d have died of alcohol poisoning. The British Empire actually couldn’t have cared less about “gallant little” Serbia back in 1908, when it was first annexed by Kaiser Franz Josef. It was just some barbarous little backwater in the Balkans, its annexation largely ignored for a full five years. And it quickly fell by the wayside in the clash of imperialists, aside from its usefulness as a propagandist’s talking point. After all, you couldn’t sell imperial wars as a “noble cause” if you didn’t have a gallant little thing to squabble over, now, could you?

When I was 18 and obsessively devouring Rilla of Ingleside, a sequel to the Anne of Green Gables books (Rilla being the youngest daughter of Anne Shirley and Gilbert Blythe), I was blown away by all the noble turns of phrase in the passages describing the war. Those phrases, I now know, were not actually the author’s own, but were simply passed along without analysis or criticism. Although L.M. Montgomery was supportive of the war effort in her capacity as a dutiful Presbyterian minister’s wife, she privately agonized and suffered many doubts. Knowing where those howlers come from might not lessen my enjoyment of the overall story (which is, after all, just that of a teenage girl at home, looking on in helpless frustration and fear as her brothers, school chums and boyfriend get caught up in all this imperial background noise), but it kills my willingness to believe that there was anything at all noble about the war. The hearts of the boys and young men who went, yes, they were noble. As were the hearts of the families, friends and girls they left behind. But the emperor-kings and the countries they squabbled over, with no regard whatsoever for the millions of lives their imperialism would cost? Ugh. The wartime saying “lions led by donkeys” is most applicable here.

And frankly, the sheer brutality of the trenches, the barbed wire, the machine guns and the gas-shells is the very opposite of nobility and gallantry, and the destroyer of both. Post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) got its first official mentions in those days, when it was known as “shell shock” — a bit of a misnomer, since there was a lot more than just shelling to demoralize and destroy the minds of soldiers and civilian casualties alike.

Propaganda initiatives also played a devastating role in the barbarity, ushering in the modern era of psychological warfare. One of the most ignoble of these was the White Feather campaign, in which the “manhood” of those reluctant to enlist and fight was impugned, and women were brainwashed (by a British admiral, no less) into doing the impugning. (The irony of a big, brave man of the elites sending women to do his warmongering work of calling frightened lower-class boys sissies should not be lost on anyone. Neither should that of upper-class suffragists being man-talked into abandoning their work of campaigning for the vote in order to promote a most undemocratic, sexist and classist imperial war!)

While World War I may have given Canada an opportunity to prove its collective mettle (especially at Vimy Ridge, where Canadians notably triumphed after British and French forces both failed), I tend now to regard it as an opportunity largely lost. This country could have gone the same way as Germany and Russia in throwing off the yoke of royalty and empire, and it still has not. And we have been dragged into every bloody mess our “commonwealth” overlords have made ever since. In that sense, the real fight hasn’t ended yet…even now, 100 years after the first time we got dragooned into one of Britain’s imperial disasters. Our democracy and institutions are poorer for it.

Where our collective mettle has done much more for us, it has tended to be in peacetime, at home, and with challenges to the human-rights abuses of our colonial elites. The patriation of our constitution in 1982, along with the attachment of our Charter of Rights and Freedoms, was the real marker of our coming of age. And yet our so-called government will not honor or even recognize it, preferring instead to point back to the myth of Vimy Ridge while trampling human rights here and now. We still have so much work to do on this front, and it won’t be glamorous. No bugles will call us to this battle from “sad shires”, only the increasingly atomized and isolated voices of the powerless. And I fear that they will not be heard.

I am bracing myself for a fresh onslaught of “patriotic” tripe about how we “came into our own” 100 years ago when we answered a distant foreign call to war in the affirmative, instead of standing up in opposition to it, like a country that has truly come of age. Once I used to believe the noble lie; no longer. And I’m not holding my breath for much in the way of serious analysis. If there is one thing that “noble” and “gallant” propaganda does very well, it is to drown out all criticism of empires and the twits who run them.

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Posted in Angry Pacifist Speaks Her Mind, Artsy-Fartsy Culture Stuff, Balkan Yogurt, Canadian Counterpunch, Confessions of a Bad German, Crapagandarati, EuroPeons, Isn't It Ironic?, Merry Old England | 3 Comments

Music for a Sunday: Thought that I was young…

Posted on August 3, 2014 by Sabina Becker

Great live performance by Neko Case, of a song that pretty much sums it up for me most nights. Did I mention that I have insomnia?

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Wankers of the Week: Kahkaha!

Posted on August 2, 2014 by Sabina Becker

Crappy weekend, everyone! How’s your silly season been treating you? Mine’s been a hoot so far. I’m laughing like a loon on nitrous oxide. And here’s who’s got me in stitches this week, in no particular order:

1. Bülent Fucking Arinç. Hey, dude? It’s okay if women laugh, as long as they don’t point. Good job making yourself the laughingstock of all Turks, BTW. Especially the ladies. PS: Ha, ha!

2. Peter Fucking Steinmetz. Oh look, it’s another good guy with a gun! No, false alarm…it’s just another open-carry gunsucker scaring the piss out of the public by toting his penis compensator all the way to Phoenix’s international airport just so he can buy coffee with the damn thing on him to prove some utterly worthless point. And pointing it at other people. Good job convincing us you’re really to be trusted with that thing, dude.

3. Chip Fucking Beeker. God didn’t put coal in Alabama; the Carboniferous Period did. But good job trying to convince us that God wants exploitation and pollution there, dude.

4. Kathy Fucking Weppner. Ever notice how racism and hatred makes a person ugly? This woman is fucking hideous. And she’s also not very good at English. Get away from our border, bitch!

5. Justine Fucking Tunney. Which side is she on: Occupy, or the 1%? The fact that she went from the one to the other, complete with a confused mishmash of various assorted shit, tells me she belongs on the side managed by the men in the white coats. Anyone who suggests, with no hint of a sarcasm tag, that corporatists should rule the land, is clearly not fit to be out on the streets.

6. John Fucking Podhoretz. Shut up and sing! Where the fuck have I heard that before? Ugh. It’s got no beat and you can’t dance to it. Maybe YOU should shut up instead, John.

7. Alexsandro Fucking Palombo. Princess Jasmine as a “Hamas terrorist”? I hope Disney sues your ass for that ugly bit of appropriation, dude. And I hope they kick it all the way to occupied Palestine.

8. Rick Fucking Santorum. Newsflash: Single moms have always existed. And polygamists are just as anti-gay as Buttsploodge here. And a lot of them are probably just as much in the closet, too. (Not that the queers want him to come out, ever. He can stay in there, rotting among the mothballs.)

9. Justin Fucking Bieber. Even though he swung at the little shit and missed (gawd, how drunk does one have to be?), I’m squarely on Team Legolas here. Frankly, Thuggy Doo is just cruisin’ for a bruisin’. And I hope he gets it. If not from Orlando Bloom, then someone.

10. Brian Fucking Judy. For the umpteen thousandth time: Hitler was NOT a gun-controller. He put guns in the hands of German kids, fergawdsakes. And what’s with your fucking antisemitism? Idiot.

11. John Fucking Beattie. An old man stuck in the past? Yes. Harmless? Fuck, no. Not if he’s running for office and he’s never really left the Nazi party…and certainly not if he’s gonna wax all rhapsodic about living in an “all-white town”.

12. David-Seth Fucking Kirshner. So, if you’re a Palestinian, and you vote for hamas, Israel has “a right to kill you”? That’s rich…especially considering that Israel created Hamas to divide and conquer Palestine in the first place.

13. Richard Fucking Dawkins. Shorter: Apples are bad, but oranges are worse! If you think that means that Donkey Dawkins endorses apples, go away and don’t come back until you learn how to logic! Meanwhile, I’m wondering what orifice he pulled that “endorsement” shit from. Probably the same place where he got “mild pedophilia” from.

14. Rush Fucking Limbaugh. So, getting KO’d is “worth a hit to the jaw” if your fiancé is famous? Well, now he’s famous for all the WRONG reasons. Just like the Pigman.

15. Geraldo Fucking Rivera. No, the youngs don’t need “beta marriages”. They’ve already got cohabitation. If it doesn’t work out, they don’t get married for realzies. Say, wasn’t this already done a generation ago? Two, even? Man, are YOU behind the times. Also, please spare us the gross details of your five marriages (four failed, one about to), and above all, spare us the “insight” that a woman’s only marital worth is her “youth”. If we have an expiry date, so do you men. And you’re long past it — I’ve seen your shirtless selfie. Ugh. Even at my advancing age, that’s a gross-out.

16. Dennis Fucking Bonnen. In Texas, they speak English, Spanish…and Fucking Bigot. Guess which one is HIS mother tongue.

17. Bob Fucking Dowlut. How interesting that the NRA’s chief ideologue, and one of the key architects of its hard-right turn, turns out to be a murderer. Gee, what are the fucking odds?

18. Mark Fucking Lewis. Yo no quiero Taco Bell. That is all.

19. Tom Fucking Foley. Mandatory sick leave is an “anti-business” policy? And forcing workers to work while sick isn’t? What a strange little man you are, guvnor.

20. Yochanan Fucking Gordon. “When Genocide is Permissible”? NEVER. Not even when YOU do it. It’s fascism no matter who does it, you fucking putz.

21. Steven Fucking Blaney. No, gun ownership is NOT a right in Canada. It’s a privilege, same as car ownership. And it is just as subject to revocation if you use it to commit a crime. Or in your case, a criminal piece of Second Amendment stupidity.

22. Michael VanWagener. Yeah, go ahead and LOL about driving drunk, crashing your car and killing a 16-year-old. Go on. I dare you.

23. John Fucking Balyo. Surprise! Every time you turn over the anti-gay rock, a pedophile who molests boys pops out. What are the odds?

24. Ken Fucking Ham. Shoot, why spend money wisely on a search for the truth in space when you can blow it on “creation museums” propagating a myth right here on the geocentric middle of the Universe?

25. Kyle Fucking Trasker. Why do white people not have their own congressional caucus? Because they’re the ruling class already, stupid. And apparently, stupid white people just can’t seem to stop sticking their fingers into everything, including what’s none of their damn business. (And no, liking rap music doesn’t make you an honorary black person.)

26. Sandra Fucking McLaughlin. And speaking of stupid white people, this one’s a judge. What diploma mill graduated this racist dipshit, anyway?

27. James Fucking Inhofe. You can deny man-made climate change all you like, but you’re not exempt from its effects. Even if your mind does live on another fucking planet altogether.

28. Liz Fucking Cheney. Shorter: It’s patriotic to lie about torture and keep it a secret! Torture is patriotic, but a country knowing about it and using its free speech rights to protest and stop it is not! Honesty is a disgrace! Benghazi!!!

29. Grover Fucking Norquist. He’s planning on attending Burning Man? Why? It’s not like he’s not already looped out of his skull on the weirdest drugs around. Oh well, here’s hoping that someone “accidentally” shuts him inside the giant effigy to be torched at festival’s end, Wicker Man style.

30. Michele Fucking Bachmann. Nice of her to be so concerned about unaccompanied refugee children. Oh wait…what am I saying? She’s only “concerned” about them insofar as she can use them to score political points in a game only she is playing, laying accusations of things that are only happening in her own largely empty head.

And finally, to the Fucking IDF. You racist bastards couldn’t hold what was supposed to be a three-day ceasefire for more than two hours? AND you chose to bomb the al-Shifa Hospital, of all places? That’s fucking pathetic. And it just goes to show you had no intention of holding your fire at all. Yeah, tell us that your invasion of Gaza isn’t a massive fucking land grab. We’ll believe you…in a pig’s ass.

Good night, and get fucked!

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Two maps that say it all

Posted on August 1, 2014 by Sabina Becker

First, the meaning of the ludicrous term “buffer zone”:

…which also explains why there was a massacre in Shejaiya this week. What a coincidence that that’s the very area Israel decided to annex! And where are Gazans supposed to go…into the fucking sea, as Jon Stewart recently pointed out?

And then there’s this:

Cuba hasn’t had diplomatic relations with Israel since 1973. That’s how long they’ve known the score. And if even Peru could pull out its ambassador, that ought to tell you just how serious things have gotten.

Now, what’s with those holdouts?

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Manuel Zelaya speaks out: “The president of Honduras is John Kerry”

Posted on July 31, 2014 by Sabina Becker

This man is the last true democratically elected president Honduras has had. Five years ago, he was deposed in a violent military putsch, backed to the hilt by Washington. Manuel Zelaya was sent into exile, very much against his will, and even more so against the will of the Honduran people. Ever since then, there’s been a campaign to silence all critics of the US-imposed puppet régimes (there have been three so far) in the wake of the coup. Sham elections have not been enough to buy off the populace, and criticism has been growing. This year, things came to a head when child refugees from Central America, thousands of them, began arriving at the border with Mexico, unaccompanied by adults, but often in possession of their birth certificates and other documents identifying them and their countries of origin. Honduras is heavily represented among those lands, and if you wonder why, let the last real president of the land explain it all to you:

A short time after the fifth anniversary of the coup d’état that brought down his government, former Honduran president Manuel Zelaya spoke with Miradas al Sur about the current situation in Honduras and Latin America.

Manuel Zelaya only began to be affectionately called “Mel” by large parts of the population of Honduras in the second half of his mandate as president there. Until then, and for a good part of the peoples of Latin America, he had only been the progressive face of the Honduran Liberal Party, one of the traditional axes of power in the Central American country. But as of 2008, his way of wielding power began to turn toward the creation of a state closer to the humble folk, and more disposed toward solidarity with the popular sectors not only of his own land, but of all the Caribbean. Zelaya put conservative noses out of joint, and even those of his own comrades, upon confirming the leftward turn of his government, with a 60% minimum wage increase and an explicit turn toward 20th-century socialism. That same year, and hand in hand with Hugo Chávez’s Venezuela, Honduras formally entered into Petrocaribe and the Bolivarian Alliance for the Peoples of Our America (ALBA). “Petrocaribe is a commercial alliance. ALBA is an alliance of Latin American integration. I entered into both. Those countries who want to establish another system for a world which is still possible, must join ALBA. Not just Petrocaribe. That is more for business dealings,” Zelaya explained.

But while a good part of Latin America and the Caribbean was drawing closer to “Mel”, there were some in Honduras and the United States who grieved for politicians like Zelaya, and even more for those who preceded him. So it was that on June 28, 2009, the armed forces, backed by the supreme court of the nation, carried out a coup d’état which did away with the progressive profile of Honduras. “The result of the coup was that the security apparatus or the economic apparatus or the economic system began to be 99% directed by policies designed in Washington,” said the former president. “And, lamentably, they are policies of the most reactionary right-wing elements in the United States, very sectarian groups of the far right. After the coup, narcotrafficking and crime increased. The exploitation of the transnational mining firms is deepening, the privatization of all public services such as roadways, ports, telecommunications. They’ve even privatized things that belong to civil society and the state, such as collecting customs duties. And one of the most classic forms that the North American right has for controlling our countries is militarism. Now, here, soldiers have been substituted for the police. They’re substituting for the powers of the state in all matters and have given them extraordinary powers, as if we were living in a de facto dictatorial state. The separation of powers disappeared. There’s just one power of state, which the president wields over the military. If we review all the indicators of the land, we will find that everything has deteriorated from the coup to the present. The internal and external debt has quintupled. In five years, they’ve managed to indebt the country like it was in the 1960s, and it’s the largest debt in our history. The murder rate has converted us into the most violent country on the planet. We were a small and peaceful country. We are the poorest society in Latin America. We have always been at some level of poverty, but never like it is now. The president of Honduras is not Juan Orlando Hernández; he was imposed by way of a fraud. The presidnet of Honduras is named John Kerry, and his policies are those of the United States.”

Following his removal from office, and after several months in exile, Zelaya joined the National Front of Popular Resistance, which became the party of Freedom and Refoundation (LIBRE), over which he presides today. In November of 2013, LIBRE participated in the presidential elections with Xiomara Castro, Zelaya’s wife, as candidate, reaching second place and breaking up the historic bipartisanism of the National Party and the Liberals.

A few weeks ago, Zelaya himself denounced that he had been repressed, along with all his party, at the doors of the National Congress.

“That incident is just one more proof of the militarization of the land, and its absorption in neoliberal politics,” Zelaya pointed out. And with respect to this point, he emphasized that “we have to get back to calling it neoliberalism. Because neoliberalism in itself was the monetary and fiscal control of a society, but now it has advanced in military politics, in looting and exploitation, in diseases, epidemics, pestilence, death. Now it’s a neoliberalism of disaster which is being applied here. We were expelled from the congress at bayonet-point, and with tear gas, because one of the characteristics of the governments of force is that they don’t accept the opposition. For them, the opposition has to disappear, and for that reason, they have to limit our access to the media. There is an exaggerated media blockade today in Honduras. We have no option to defend ourselves practically in any media outlet. Everything is against us. But we ourselves have grown stronger. We are much stronger than before, especially because the popular consciousness has grown in recognizing what affects us. We understand that the United States won’t go away; what we need is to have honest, respectful relations with them. Which is what we don’t have right now, because those currently governing [in Honduras] are those who duck their heads and bow down to serve Washington’s orders.”

In effect, as well as having an enormous weight in Honduran internal politics, the United STates are now the centre of a very deep international debate which affects Central American societies. In the last months, the phenomenon of child migration toward the northern country has taken on a worrisome importance, to the point where the affected countries are trying to begin joint actions to deal with it. In June alone, it is estimated that 2,000 Salvadoran, Honduran and Mexican children crossed the border into the United States every week.

“The problem is that the great powers were born of migration, but don’t want to recognize the migrants of the 20th and 21st centuries,” said Zelaya. “They are products of migration, but they close themselves off in an anti-historical nationalism because emigrating is a right, not a crime. We all have that right because we were born in a world which is shared among all, in one human race. Those who managed to get to those nations are telling them to take their children. And now they’re hunting those children without pity. Now the powers are on display before the world. Because first they deny their parents the right to be legalized, and now they’re persecuting the children. Just as at the time when Jesus was born, they’re ordering them to kill all the children who were born then so that no messiah can emerge. Worse than the persecutions of the holocaust. They’re persecuting children, torturing them, denying them the right to reunite with their families. This is not a humanitarian crisis, it’s a humanitarian crime of the neoliberal model against the poor of Latin America and Africa.”

Translation mine.

I have to admit that Mel Zelaya didn’t really appear on my radar until he joined the ALBA, which is the late Chavecito’s baby and which has been going from strength to strength even now, after his death. At first Mel seemed like just another too-conservative-for-my-liking leader, but when he began to demonstrate that his heart was in the right place and his feet were headed in a good direction, I was sold. Not only was Mel the last real president of Honduras, he was also unequivocally the best. Under him, the socioeconomic profile of that poor little country was beginning to rise. Poor people were getting access to social services that had been denied them before: doctors, schools, hospitals. Literacy was going up; poverty rates were beginning to fall. And all that, which should have been terrific news, was greeted by Washington in the kind of doomsday-prophet tones you’d expect in the advent of a Category 5 hurricane about to make landfall along the eastern seaboard.

Which, of course, the ALBA was. A hurricane of promise, hope and rapid improvement. A hurricane of mutual aid and regional autonomy. Countries that used to rely abjectly on foreign “aid” from the US and elsewhere began to stand up on their own feet, and walk unassisted. That was bad news for those who used to turn obscene profits from the poverty and dependency of those little Latin American lands. They were used to taking advantage of those poor, ill-educated, highly dependent folks — as cheap labor, cannon fodder for proxy wars, and houseboys to the empire. The fact that those same people were now becoming aware that they could be so much more than that did not sit well with Washington. Hence, the coup.

It gives me no satisfaction to see blowback arriving in the form it has taken. Child refugees are the most helpless and vulnerable of them all. Along the way, who knows how many have been robbed, raped, beaten and killed? The ones we hear about arriving in Texas and Arizona are the lucky ones, the ones that made it through in one piece.

Honduras is embroiled in a civil war, although the US media won’t report that. And the death squads that we thought had died out with the evil 1980s? They’re back with a vengeance. That’s why so many desperate Central American parents are sending their kids to the country which, in a massive and humorless irony, is the author of their misfortunes.

When will it all end? When democracy is restored in Honduras, of course. But for that to happen, first the sham “democracy” installed by Washington must be trashed and kicked to the curb. The last real president of the land has not finished his mandate, and the three impostors who were tapped to “replace” him know this full well.

So do the people of Honduras, and they are absolutely furious that their will has been trampled under the boots of a fascism that everyone except the “freedom-loving”, “democratic” country behind it is willing to call by its right name. Little wonder that they are willing to give up even their own children to place the problem back at the door of its source!

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Posted in Do As I Say..., Economics for Dummies, Fascism Without Swastikas, Filthy Stinking Rich, Free Trade, My Ass!, Huguito Chavecito, Isn't That Illegal?, Mexican Standoffs, Not Hiding in Honduras, Socialism is Good for Capitalism!, The Salvador Option(s), The United States of Amnesia | Comments Off

Happy 60th, Chavecito…

Posted on July 28, 2014 by Sabina Becker

‘Scuse me while I miss this guy. Chavecito would have been 60 today. He lives on…not only in the hearts of Venezuelans, but mine too.

Te amamos, Comandante Eterno.

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Israeli crapaganda is for the birds. Literally.

Posted on July 28, 2014 by Sabina Becker

Who would think the shrapnel injuries to an owl (a BIRD, for fucksakes) to be more worth mentioning than the deaths of over 1000 Gazan citizens, fully a quarter of them children, even as Eid al-Fitr gets underway? The Times of Israel…that’s who:

About two weeks ago, a long-eared owl was injured by mortar shrapnel in Kibbutz Nirim, near the Gaza border. The owl was found by Ben Itay, a kibbutz member and veterinary student, who brought him to his home. When rocket fire from Gaza eased enough to allow Ben to bring him to the Zoological Park in Ramat Gan, also known as the Safari, vets discovered that the poor creature had lost his vision in his right eye, had a broken beak, and was suffering from shrapnel in his head.

Nice of them to care so much about an owl. I like owls. They’re fierce, beautiful birds. But why is this even a story? And how do they know Hamas is to blame? Doesn’t Israel have mortars?

And really, if this is the best they can do for pro-invasion crapaganda now, that’s fucking pathetic.

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Posted in Crapagandarati, Gazing on Gaza | 2 Comments

Music for a Sunday: Never for money, always for love

Posted on July 27, 2014 by Sabina Becker

Need another reason to love “This Must Be the Place”? Here you go. A beautiful all-electronic cover of a song that you’d really need to make an effort to screw up.

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Wankers of the Week: Attack of the Lost (Sex) Toy People

Posted on July 26, 2014 by Sabina Becker

Crappy weekend, everyone! Looks like the silly season is well under way. Did you know it was possible to lose a sex toy inside of yourself for ten whole years? I did not know that. But this week I learned a lot of things. Including just how fucking stupid some people can be. And here’s who was it this week, in no particular order:

1. Joseph Fucking Carl. First cracker out of the box, and wouldn’t you know it, it’s Florida Man! This time, he got drunk and ran himself over with his own truck in a fit of road rage. It just doesn’t get more Wang State than that, does it?

2. Arya Fucking Toufanian. Didn’t like Girls Gone Wild? Well, then, you’re probably gonna hate I’m Shmacked, which is the same shit but with drunk-off-their-ass college kids of all sexes making asses of themselves. Why anyone would WANT to buy videos of that when they could just stop by any college-town bar, I don’t know. And apparently, the idiot in charge of the franchise is very touchy about a little thing like that, so much so that he’s willing to threaten to ass-rape anyone whose articles he hasn’t read if he thinks they’re even the least bit critical of his fucking idiot venture.

3. Mordechai Fucking Kedar. Claiming that the rape of Arab women “deters suicide bombers” is not only false, it’s virtually guaranteed to spark more of the same. Oh yeah, and by the way, it’s also RAPE CULTURE WRIT FUCKING LARGE, MOTHERFUCKER.

4. John Fucking Schindler. Unhinged? Him? Why, whatever makes you suggest such a — BENGHAZI! BENGHAZI!! BENFUCKINGHAZI!!! Also, PENIS.

5. Nick Fucking Bilton. The demise of the pen has not only been premature and greatly exaggerated (but only by you) — it hasn’t even fucking happened. There are touch-screen styluses with ballpoint pens built right in. I own one. The stylus gave up the ghost long ago, but the pen still works! Bro, do you even SHOP?

6. John Fucking Baird. Pull in your tongue, Squealer, you’re embarrassing us. AGAIN. And wipe that santorum off your chin, too.

7. Chad Fucking PIckering. Another ground-stander stands his ground. Only — ha, ha — it’s not his, but that of the teenage girl he shot because she had the nerve to ask him to stop bombing around on his lawnmower in her parents’ yard. Oops! Oh, and get this: The trigger-happy fucking asshole worked for a young offenders’ facility, too!

8. Terry Fucking Davis. “Not sexually dangerous”, even though he assaulted a 16-year-old AND so traumatized a dog he molested that the animal “became aggressive” and had to be put down. Yeah…not dangerous at all, that one.

9. Tom Fucking Greer. Oh yay, another fucking ground-stander. How could anyone be proud of killing a pregnant woman, let alone by shooting her in the back — twice — like a true fucking coward? And oh yeah, the man who was with her got away, because this asshole was too busy “sending him a message”. Yeah, by committing cold-blooded murder and picking on the one who couldn’t run faster. Great message, not clouded in the least!

10. Ted Fucking Nugent. So, indigenous people are “vermin”? Well, it’s nice to finally know where you stand on the issue, Ted. Now go fuck yourself.

11. Mark Fucking Landis. And because it wouldn’t be a true wankapedia without at least one true wanker, here ya go. This bathroom bandit had the unique idea of inviting students to his house, and then capturing their use of his toilet on video via a camera hidden in the Kleenex box. And he would have gotten away with it, too, if it hadn’t been for those meddling kids!

12. Pat Fucking Robertson. Nice to know that Patwa, for one, hasn’t changed since the fucking Dark Ages. And that he has so much in common with honor-killers from other parts of the world, too! But hey, at least he’s all for shotgun marriage, so I guess that’s progress…sorta.

13. Robert Fucking Durst. The rich really are different from the rest of us. In addition to getting away with wife abuse, murder (and dismemberment, which he even confessed to), this “eccentric” heir now amuses himself by pissing on candy in drugstores. Hey, who says money can’t buy you everything?

14. James David Fucking Manning. So, to recap: “Homo demons” and “sexually charged women” bad, guns all over the fucking place good. And this in Dealey Plaza, the scene of what might just be the most famous gun homicide in the world. Truly, the ways of deranged preachers are mysterious to God and man alike.

15. Rob Fucking Ford. Surprise! Ford Fest was a shitshow. This is quite understandable, since Robbo has the reverse Midas touch going on.

16. Mark Fucking Giannini. And further to the “rich people aren’t like the rest of us” thing, how about this one…who roofied a woman applying for a job as a maid, and then raped her nine ways till Friday? And has a whole stash of equipment suggesting that this isn’t his first rodeo?

17. Jody Fucking Hice. How fucking backward is the state of Georgia? Backward enough to vote for idiots who didn’t get the memo that women no longer need their husbands’ permission to do ANYTHING, apparently.

18. John C. Fucking Wright. Men are “Christ-like” and “alpha males”? Women must obey them because of that? Um, see the wanker right below for evidence of just how fucking wrong that all is. Or, to put it in simpler terms, which even this dreck-writing moron should understand: Whom would Jesus KO?

19. Stephen Fucking Smith. Women “provoke” violence against themselves? Um, I thought that the myth of female masochism was dead. Nope! It lives on in shitty sports commentators making shitty comments about footballers who apparently just can’t contain their urge to hit a defenceless woman and knock her unconscious. And only get a two-game suspension for it, whereas pot-smoking would get them 16. PS: Sign, sign, sign!

20. Calvin Fucking Greene. What are you, the Sperm Nazi? Only in Alberta could a sperm-bank director be this presumptuously nosy-parkerish (and weirdly specific) about the lives of his white clients, and their motives for seeking out non-white sperm donors.

21. Anthony Fucking Novellino. I’m sorry, but any man who’d stab his soon-to-be ex-wife 84 times over the fact that she was allegedly “messy” is the one who should be wearing the fucking pig mask himself. Murder is murder, but doing that kind of indignity to a dead body is one helluva wank.

22. Roger Ray Fucking Ireland. When you’re a crook on the run, never say “never”…because “never”, in the context of “you’ll never catch me”, turns out to be less than 24 hours long.

23. Thomas Fucking McGuinness. Florida Man strikes again…and this time, it’s to claim he “only shot that cat twice”. Maybe someone should only shoot HIM twice. With any luck, it’ll be the meanest old cat lady in the neighborhood.

24. Pamela Fucking Michener. No, black kids don’t stink. But your fucking racism does! And if you’re going to go on a rant about “discipline”, how about exercising some over your own mouth?

25. Philip Fucking Cattan. How the hell does one fall asleep during a child-sex-abuse trial? How the fucking hell does one sleep through testimony like that? Go home, judge, you’re drunk.

And finally, to fucking PETA. They’ve offered to turn the water in Detroit on again if all the poor folks go vegan. Yes! Great idea! They’re probably all anemic and malnourished as hell to begin with, so let’s get them to commit to a lifestyle that could end up making them even less healthy! What could possibly go wrong? Oh, I dunno. But then again, I’m not the sort of person who thinks of every tragedy and disaster in the world as fodder for an opportunistic fucking publicity stunt. And I’m not the sort of person who sees the less-fortunate as fair game for advancing an ideology, either.

Good night, and get fucked!

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