News of the Restless

Crappy weekend, everyone! Well, how about those Amazon delivery drones. If we’re lucky, all they’ll ever give us is our stuff, in a hurry. More likely, though, they won’t fly. Aside from the question of FAA approval in the US, there’s also the all-around creepiness of having packages delivered not by friendly couriers, but by flying robots that, for all we know, could be equipped with spy cameras answering to the FBI, among others. But fear not! The bullshit is still flying thick and fast as ever. And here’s who kept it in the air this week, in no particular order:

1. Stephen Fucking Harper. It’s been a banner week for wanks in Harpolandia, but here are the highlights: Canadian Values! And more fucking bursting into song! And tons of stinking bland hypocrisy about Nelson Mandela! (And no word about how he really felt about the great South African leader, back in the day.)

2. Brian Fucking Pallister. Last week he was a wanker for his “infidel atheists” holiday greeting. This week, he’s a wanker again for claiming he was “torqued”. Never mind that the quote in question was verbatim and fully IN context. How many morons were there in Manitoba to elect this dumbfuck?

3. Erik Fucking Estrada. How many years has it been since he was the obnoxious California highway patrol cop from that cheesy sitcom (where I frankly preferred the blond guy)? Honestly, I thought the man was long dead. Nope…he’s been miraculously resurrected to let us know how oppwessed the evangelicals are. Just because they’re not allowed to legislate for the rest of us and cram their religion down the world’s collective throat. Someone please remind Mr. CHiPs that cops don’t get to make the laws, only enforce them. And he only ever played one on TV. So, basically, fuck him.

4. Bibi Fucking Netanyahu. I’m gobsmacked that anyone would spend $1,700 on scented candles alone. Does he buy them by the gross, or is there some pricey secret ingredient that I’m not aware of? And just how the hell DOES one rack up $23,300 in flower arrangements, too? This “poor oppressed us, the only democracy in the Middle East” schtick just doesn’t wash when one sees things like that. PS: Oh, double wank.

5. Doug Fucking Ford. Yup, Robbo’s now truly without power at City Hall. And Dougie is not happy, and he’s making sure the whole world knows it. Like a fart in a crowded elevator. It’s kind of touching, the way Tweedledee stands up for Tweedledum, innit? Unfortunately, loony conspiracy theory won’t absolve Mayor McMobster. Or his drug-dealing big brother.

6. David Fucking Lane. Renew? I wasn’t even aware that the US had a “Christian covenant with God”! After all, there’s that pesky Treaty of Tripoli…

7. Scott Fucking Walker. Snotty Wanker has declared war on Christmas! Don’t bother buying your kids anything. Just sell their entire future to the Teabagger Party! And don’t worry, Wisconsin is already lagging way behind neighboring (and progressive) Minnesota on just about everything. Doesn’t that just fill you with confidence in him?

8. Virginia Fucking Postrel. Forget being able to afford piddly things like the ever increasing cost of living on your ever dwindling income! As long as you’ve got an HD TV and all the trimmings, you have a high standard of living! Right? Right?? RIGHT??? WRONG!

9. Lila Fucking Rose. Oh, wouldn’t it be funny if she were to be caught using Planned Parenthood under a false identity, and it wasn’t for the purpose of staging another “gotcha” video on them? Like, say, if she were caught buying cheap birth control pills from them? Let us pray…

10. Austin Fucking Ruse. And on a similar note, I fully expect to see a pair of downright kinky boots falling out of his closet. Any day now.

11. John Fucking Rocker. Ass sphincter says WHAT? Oh, I see…racist things about Muhammad Ali. And bigoted, violent shit just in general. Just another day in the life of a washed-up ex-sports star whom nobody cares about. Yawwwwn.

12. Kim Fucking Kardashian. Charity begins at home for the Yenis’s baby mama, I see. To the tune of 90% of the proceeds from her “charity” auction. Someone please explain to her the whole concept of “not for profit”. She’s gone from famous-for-nothing to famous-for-all-the-wrong-reasons.

13. Joe Fucking Fontana. He and his friends stole $8 million that was intended for charity? Well. I think they should throw one helluva party and invite #12. Clearly they have a great deal in common.

14. Boris Fucking Johnson. Too little, too late, and still TOO STUPID TO BE MAYOR.

15. Elan Fucking Gale. Surprise! He’s a Twitter troll who faked a somewhat funny, but ultimately horrifying, live-tweeted fight on an airplane to get followers. Just for that, he deserves to lose them again. And then some.

16. Lamar Fucking Smith. He doesn’t believe in man-made climate change, nosirree…but he DOES believe in aliens. I’m not saying he’s kooky, but…he’s fucking KOOKY!

17. Amy Fucking Lacey. She doesn’t want students speaking Spanish because it might “cause disruptions”. Why do I get the distinct feeling that said “disruptions” consist of her own paranoia at not being able to understand what they’re saying, and fearing they’re saying it about HER?

18. Frank Fucking Dimant. Whiny wanks, anyone? Trying to play the boycotted SodaStream as a persecuted “employer” of hapless Palestinians is just about as cynical as it gets…unless you’re dissenting against B’nai Brith and its hasbaroids, in which case you’re persecuting “visible Jews”, whatever THAT might mean. Srsly, give it a fucking rest!

19. Jameson Fucking Witty. Ain’t no thief like a dumb thief. He stole a piece of Paul Walker’s smashed Porsche after the wreck was towed, and then bragged about it on Instagram. Why not just call the cops and turn oneself in? Maybe he should change his last name to Witless.

20. Pat Fucking Robertson. Something in your character, Patwa, makes me want to throw things at you. Hard, sharp, spiky, nasty-smelling things.

21. Avi Fucking Benlolo. Newsflash: The United Church boycotting Israeli settler products is NOT “an assault on the Jewish people”, much less “Church-sanctioned antisemitism”. Israel ≠ the Jews, for one thing. For another, turning one’s back on Palestinian suffering? Now THAT’s antisemitism!

22. Matt Fucking Forney. Would it shock you greatly to learn that “Men’s Rights” assholes are also RACIST assholes? No? Oh good. Because Bratty Matty decided to whip out his teeny weenie and piddle into Nelson Mandela’s freshly dug grave. And contrary to his trumpeting claims, he hasn’t produced an ounce of evidence that Mandela “destroyed” South Africa. Perhaps he’s projecting what all the Boers and other Nazified racists did onto Mandela? Yeah, I know…that’s a charitable interpretation. This asshat actually “thinks” South Africa was better when whites ran it. Never mind that the reality couldn’t be further from that idea.

23. Leona Fucking Aglukkaq. Polar bears are in danger of extinction through climate change, and there goes Leona, doing NOTHING to protect our Arctic from oil and gas exploitation, defending the polar-bear hunt, and even posting a braggy picture of a dead bear on the tweeter — while in Moscow to talk about polar bear conservation! Some minister of the environment SHE is. At the very least, she needs a remedial course in the meaning of conservation. Because clearly that word does not mean what she thinks it means.

24. David Fucking Cameron. Why?

That’s why. Yup, another Conservative hypocrite who was out for blood back in the day, and now claims Mandela as his own. Just like OUR so-called prime minister, Wanker #1.

25. Rick Fucking Santorum. Yup, Icky Ricky went there…compared himself to Mandela (LOLwut?), Obamacare to apartheid (no, just NO), and bullshit to roses (as is usual for a man whose name is now synonymous with buttsploodge). Irrelevance: You’re soaking in it, Ricky.

26. Sarah Fucking Palin. Is it just my eardrums playing tricks on me, or is Screech sounding a little angry lately? Maybe it’s because Thomas Jefferson, like all the founders, was NOT a Christian leader, nor interested in turning his country into a theocracy. You think that could be it?

27. Dean Fucking Esmay. How funny is it to see A Voice for (Woman-Hating) Men try to claim Nelson Mandela as one of theirs, when in fact all they share is one crummy chromosome? Meanwhile, Mandela was a left-wing feminist. And all that chest-thumping about how demonized men are, when in fact they form the bulk of all “heroes” in and out of history? Well, let’s just put it this way: AVFM’s collective sense of irony died long before you-know-who.

28. Dick Fucking Cheney. And guess who’s still an unregenerate racist, who doesn’t regret voting against freeing Mandela back when he had the chance to do the right thing? Yup, this guy. Who really doesn’t deserve to live another second, but will probably be kept going for another century, at tremendous expense to the taxpaying US public.

29. Rick Fucking Clark. Who the hell cares if Nelson Mandela was an American or not? This total fucking nobody. That’s who.

30. Rob Fucking Anders. And speaking of total fucking nobodies, Sleepyhead made the news again. For all the wrong reasons, again. Alberta, please do something about all your fucking racists — are you not ashamed of them? You ought to be.

31. Naomi Fucking Chazan. No, Nelson Mandela was NEVER an Israeli hero. Israel is an apartheid state, remember? And it’s kind of disingenuous to moan “where are the Palestinian Mandelas” when every single one of them has been either jailed, exiled or assassinated by the Likudniks who built your apartheid wall! Mandela was and remains a PALESTINIAN hero. Period. End of story.

32. Robert Fucking Carr. Surpriiiiise! The law does not mean whatever you say it means. People who leave their house for a few days are not “abandoning” it, and you have no right to it. Your ignorance of the law is not an excuse, either…but hey! Now you get to be a sovereign citizen of your own little jail cell. Feel special, snowflake!

33. David Fucking Duke. Kicked out of Italy for trying to bring back Nazism? Molto bene! Vai via, figlio di puttana! Ciao, brutto!

34. Rob Fucking Ford. Yup, Robbo’s still wanking. Even with curtailed mayoral powers, there’s no stopping his mouth. And of course, nothing but shit is coming out of it. Srsly, what does Obamacare concern HIM? Nada. Bupkus. Zippo. Zilch. Yet there he is, pontificating about it on a radio show out of D.C. Doesn’t he have a city to run…in CANADA? Oh wait…ha, ha.

35 and 36. Glenn Fucking Beck and Mark Fucking Driscoll. How’s this for a yucky two-fer? Biff and Hipster Preacher, sittin’ in a tree, W-A-N-K-I-N-G! Ugh, I don’t think I wanna finish this nursery rhyme. I just feel sorry for Biff’s daughter, having such an idiot for a dad. And Hipster Preacher’s congregation, for having a serial plagiarist spewing homophobic crap at them.

37. Pamela Fucking Geller. Funny how she’s always on and on about being a member of a persecuted minority herself (usually when she can’t get an immediate appointment with her hairdresser), but doesn’t accord the same dignity to an actual persecuted minority…the Rohingya Muslims of Burma. What jihad is SHE on? The Jihad of Amurrican Stoopid. What else?

38. Lee Fucking Bright. The South shall rise again! And no doubt it will do so on the wings of vultures. Perhaps this one should change his middle name to “None Too”.

39. Rick Fucking Warren. Words have meanings, and tolerance does NOT mean “you must think exactly as I think, or else”. Likewise, intolerance does NOT mean “waaaa, I’m being persecuted for not wanting to give the queers equal rights!” Also, equality does NOT mean “marriage for me, but not for thee, because the bible says blah blah blah.”

40. Ralph Fucking Hudgens. Shorter: Pre-existing conditions are all your fault! Therefore insurance companies have a right to penalize you by either not selling you coverage, or overcharging you grossly, or only covering limited ranges of treatments! Have I mentioned yet today that stupidity is one helluva pre-existing condition, and medicine has yet to find a cure for it — or even a halfway effective treatment?

And finally, to the Fucking Westboro Bastards. Yep, they plan on protesting Nelson Mandela’s funeral. You just cannot sink any fucking lower than that. On the bright side, they could always be denied entry into the country, in which case we will know for sure that they will have run out of sharks to jump. If only the sharks could eat them, one and all.

Good night, and get fucked!

Crappy weekend, everyone! And crappy Amurrican Wanksgiving. I hope you’ve digested enough by now to be able to read this, and enjoy, because there were plenty of wanks given all week long. And here they are, in no particular order:

1. John Fucking Baird. Barely is the ink dry on the big Iran-US-etc. peace treaty, and already Squealer has opened his obnoxious cakehole to “express doubts” about the whole thing, citing “made-in-Canada foreign policy” and a load of other nonsense. Yo, Squealer? No one asked you. Go back to your closet, already.

2. John Fucking Derbyshire. If you’re going to opine about a movie, shouldn’t you, I dunno, see it first, or something? Oh wait, I forgot…this is John Fucking Racist Pervyshire we’re talking about here. If it’s got black people in it, he hates it in advance. On “principle”, of course.

3. Sarah Fucking Palin. Newsflash, Screech: God has nothing to do with FUX Snooze. You’re thinking of Satan, dear.

4. Scott Fucking Walker. Newsflash, Snotty Wanker: There is NOTHING “healthy” OR “balanced” about granting marriage rights to one group and denying them to another. Why the fuck are you still in office, you dumb fuck?

5. Miley Fucking Cyrus. Dear God, she even corrupted a cute little LOLkitten with her Pedobear routine. A KITTEN. Please, think of the kittens!

6. Rick Fucking Santorum. Icky Ricky’s holiday film is a predictable flop. Don’t quit your day job…er…well, actually…damn. Now I haz a confuzzle. Just go the fuck AWAY, okay?

7. Joseph Fucking Farah. Only the WingNut Daily could spin a failed kook rally into a “show of force”. Um, try a show of FARCE, since the force was distinctly NOT with them. Teabags and tinfoil, the gift of stoopid that keeps on giving…

8. Suzanne Fucking Venker. Oh look who venked again this veek…sorry, WANKED this WEEK. Yup, it’s Phyllis Fucking Schlafly’s equally antiquated and clueless fucking niece, trying to sell us on the “career or marriage, but not both, so you better just pick marriage” bullshit that is her sole stock in trade. She’s such a one-note wonder, you really don’t have to ask if nepotism is still a thing. In conservahack circles, it most certainly is.

9. Katherine Fucking Svenson. And speaking of barnacles from Phyllis Fucking Schlafly’s bunghole, how about this one? She thinks trans kids should be “castrated” (her actual word!) before they get to use the washrooms of the appropriate gender. Otherwise, they should go use the ones pertaining to their physical sex, and risk a hefty gay-bashing and maybe death. Well, she’s nothing if not totally humane (said Auntie Bina, snarking all over herself.)

10. Larry Fucking Barnett. Pro tip: If you’re going to order a hit on someone who pissed you off, don’t butt-dial your intended victim. Also, don’t order hits on people who piss you off. That shit is illegal for a reason, y’know.

11. David Fucking Price. “Ladies, let ur man drive” is not good advice if your man is a crappy driver. Or if, like many guys, he got an early start on his weekend bender this week. And it’s especially shitty advice if you don’t have (or want) a man.

12. Ian Fucking Watkins. You know you’re beyond redemption when your crimes are too horrible even for the tabloids to detail. But what really makes this a wank is the denial early in the case. That is, before the cops cracked open his hard drive and found the proof — and the awful pictures — all saved for future reference. Ugh.

13. Robert Fucking Carr. And once more, the childish mindset of the “sovereign citizens” bowel movement comes across loud and clear, exploiting loopholes in the law to the ends of the lawless. Don’t worry, kiddies, this shit’s not legal. And that house was NOT abandoned. And contempt of court cannot just be written off, either.

14. Bill Fucking Donohue. Can’t handle the truth? Too fucking bad. You don’t get to pull the plug on it.

15. Maggie Fucking Gallagher. And speaking of can’t-handle-the-truth, how about HER? Same-sex marriage between two people who love each other apparently does more damage than a loveless marriage of the other kind. Teh Stoopid, it BURNS.

16. Richard Fucking Land. Baby Scoop Era, anyone? He thinks it’s “selfish” to be a single mother, when you could give up your baby for adoption by Christians. As though married bible-thumpers were any less likely to abuse a child not of their own flesh and blood. And as though it were not selfish of them to do so. Or to expect unmarried women to just hand over babies without a second thought.

17. Justin Fucking Trudeau. Sorry, Trudizzle, but this is your dumbest and most arrogant wank yet. I’ve met Jack Layton, and you, sir, are not he. In fact, you’re no Pierre E. Trudeau, either.

18. Gordon Fucking Klingenschmitt. Yup, John Jacob Jingleheimer is just like that clock with the little birdie inside it…reliably going cuckoo, cuckoo, cuckoo on the hour. This week, it’s transgender demons out to rape all yer daughters in the public washrooms! Only no such incident has ever happened. It’s only ever been cis-het dudes. And they don’t need to dress up in drag, either. Or excuse their actions with a minority gender orientation.

19. Pamela Fucking Geller. Speaking of clockwork cuckoos, yup, it’s HER again. And this time, she’s accusing Pope Francis (whom I’m actually starting to like, Bog help us all) of being an imam. And of course, she’s misquoting the Qur’an to justify her shit. Yes, Pammy, that’s it — go ahead and marginalize yourself into total irrelevance. It can’t happen any too soon.

20. Stuart Fucking Varney. Jesus H. Christ on a cracker, what is it with people piling on the Pope this week? Last week’s sexist wanker is this week’s crapitalist wanker. And trust me, dude, the man doesn’t need any lectures on the nature of THAT particular beast. Lest you forget, he comes from Argentina, which has more than once been offered up as “liberatory” crapitalism’s sacrificial lamb. Sit down and shut up, and start taking that sermon to heart. You need to hear him more than he needs to hear you.

21. Mike Fucking Huckabee. Dude, you have a strange idea of heroism. Peddling a bogus story should get a reporter fired, not put on leave — and much less rewarded for getting it wrong.

22. Mark Fucking Driscoll. Well, whaddya know. Hipster Preacher is a fuckin’ poser. And a dirty, oily effin’ hypocrite. Shocked, shocked.

23. Alex Fucking Jones. I don’t think Suzanne Collins would be at all pleased to hear that a known kook and conspiracy-monger is treating her novels as if they were NONfiction. Or trying to use them as a platform to promote himself…which is more than a little ironic, all things considered.

24. Alec Fucking Baldwin. Yes, why don’t you open your mouth even wider and stick the other foot in? Oh, I see you already did. Well. Now that you’ve gone big, you can finally go home. Please.

25. Glenn Fucking Beck. Oh joy, oh bliss. Just in time for the holidays, Biff has released a CD of music to make the Baby Jesus cry. Pity he won’t end up drowning Biff in all those tears.

26. Maria Fucking Kang. Sorry, not sorry you got blocked on Facebook (however temporarily) for your horrible, fat-shaming concern-trolling, which I’m sure is just your way of drumming up profitable business for yourself. Or maybe it’s (also) another ill-disguised cry for help. Honey, until you pick up the phone and call that shrink, they can’t help you get over that eating disorder. Or your insufferable narcissism. So, Maria…WHAT’S YOUR EXCUSE? PS: It’s affects, not “effects”. Shape up your fucking grammar, lady. There’s no excuse for being such a crappy writer.

27. Boris Fucking Johnson. Oh look! The Insufferable Perambulating Haystack has bloviated again. And this time, it’s to resurrect the ghost of Maggie Fucking Milk-Snatcher, and the obsolete “greed is good” canard that got Gordon Gekko into such deep shit. Did none of these fiscal imbeciles ever watch Wall Street to the end? Gekko goes to jail, fergawdsakes. And he didn’t do the economy any favors, either. And there is a reason for that: Money doesn’t just materialize out of the ether…and if someone gets an inordinate amount of it, they got it at the expense of someone else. DUH!

28. Rush Fucking Limbaugh. Oh yeah, and the Pigman is on the pope-bashing bandwagon, too. His predictable wank: MARXISM!!! Which of course he says like it’s a bad thing…which of course it is not.

29. Dinesh Fucking D’Souza. No, sorry, talking like the worst white racist will not make your fellow rightards forget that you’re brown. Or anybody else forget that you’re a lying, cheating, hypocritical asshat.

30. David Fucking Cameron. Piggybacking on the wankery of #27, there’s the Brit Twit in Chief. How it must boggle his mind to realize that the poorest pay a greater percentage of their income in taxes than the richest…if he only had a brain.

31. Elizabeth Fucking May. Riddle me this: How does a nation’s Green Party leader actually get behind Israel and its “make the desert bloom” travesty? And for that matter, the ruination of Palestinian olive groves and that environmental catastrophe known as Operation Cast Lead? I don’t know, but I do know who I won’t be voting for in the foreseeable future.

32. Rob Fucking Ford. With his official powers curbed by a City Hall vote, Robbo’s star is on the wane. So what does he do to try to bump it up again and make Frod Nation look like something other than a (crack) pipe dream? Go on FUX Snooze and party like it’s 1999. PS: And for those who still believe he saved the taxpayers money, here’s your proof that he fucked you over for a boondoggle. Feel stupid yet? You should. PS: Ha, ha.

33. Tammi Fucking Rossman-Benjamin. When all you’ve got is a hammer, everything looks like a nail. And when you’re a raving Zionist, everything looks like antisemitism. I have a feeling that “wolf” is the only word this troll knows.

34. Brian Fucking Pallister. Happy holidays, infidel atheists, from the SupposiTory leader of Manitoba! Well, from the heart of my pagan bottom, thanks a buttload, Brian. And the same to you.

35. Stephen Fucking Harper. Yay, finally he’s going to Israel, after all these years of up-sucking and palm-greasing and lip-servicing to make it look like he wasn’t really an antisemite at heart. I guess it was high bloody time. And it only took a Liberal to shame him into it, too!

36. Jeb Fucking Bush. Why?

That’s why. If anyone thought he’d possibly turn out to be smarter than Dubya, you can hereby put THAT notion to rest. They’re both fucking stupid!

37. Vladimir Fucking Putin. No Christmas for Sochi, even by the Russian calendar? That’s harsh.

38. Charles Fucking Saatchi. Aaaaand Chokey Charley comes out with a conveniently timed “bombshell revelation” that smells suspiciously of bullshit. Even if it were true (evidence is, strangely, NOT in evidence), I’d say that any woman who was married to a turd like him for ten years is fully entitled to whatever self-medication she needs to get her through it all. And now she is well out of it. Good for her!

39. Peter LaFucking Barbera. Happy Thanksgiving, everyone…even though the faggy faggy fag-fags have ruined it. What happened — did a gay guy take off with his turkey? Poop in his pumpkin pie? Crap in his cranberries? WHAT?

40. Pat Fucking Robertson. Meanwhile, Predictable Patwa is blaming Muslims for bringing demonology home for the holidays. How much longer, O Cthulhu?

And finally, to all the people who crashed doors yesterday, or camped out the night before waiting to. Especially these two Taser-fighting wackaloons here. And let’s not forget the fine folks of WallyWorld, who STILL haven’t paid the fine for that temp who got killed on Black Friday five fucking years ago. The fine was $7000; they’ve spent millions fighting it. And they haven’t done a damn thing to prevent more incidents like it from happening in future, either; that would mean (a) being accountable, and (b) admitting guilt. Congratulations, WallyWorld! You people are everything that’s wrong with your country; nay, the world.

Good night, and get fucked!