News of the Restless

Crappy Halloween, everyone! It’s that time of year again…time for unseasonably skimpy costumes if you’re a woman (and insecure, and under peer pressure to be sexy, and hoping to bob for something besides apples). It’s time for pumpkin-spice everything. It’s time for cheesy movies that may or may not be all that scary. And if you’re one of the following, it’s the perfect time for being scarily stupid:

1. Rob Fucking Ford. You know that you’re on the go-down when even the right-wing Toronto Sun no longer kowtows before your mighty bulk. The impotent rage is just the crowning touch.

2. Rex Fucking Murphy. So, skating away from genocides and pretending everything’s okay now, even when it’s plainly not, is more “respectful” to Native people than acknowledging some hard and painful truths, and working from there, not to cover up the past, but to rectify its injustices? Oh Rex, if you only knew how paternalistically fucking racist that is.Trick or treaty? That is the question. And if you can’t bring yourself to ask it, you have no business calling yourself a journalist.

3. Suzanne Fucking McCarley. And speaking of paternalistic bullshit and people who don’t grasp what’s wrong with it (hint: EVERYTHING), how about this woman? She’d rather lick the boots of angry, vindictive male chauvinists than acknowledge that thanking them for not treating us worse (like, oh, say, cattle, as opposed to just chattel) is just stupidly fucking insane. Well, Suzie…enjoy your special snowflake status as an MRA protégée while it lasts. Because as soon as those MRAsshats find a way to turn on you, they will. And knowing what a house of cards they live in, it won’t be long before they do.

4. Glenn Fucking Taylor. Well, well, well. What have we here? A rock-toppling monument defacer with a false disability claim? Sure looks like it. And what a feat of strength, to topple a one-ton rock when you’re supposedly in pain and suffering. You’re more and more of a cautionary lesson to those boy scouts all the time, dude!

5. Gordon Fucking Klingenschmitt. Heads up, Colorado, John Jacob Jingleheimer is running on the Repug ticket! Please send him marching back to his pulpit at your earliest convenience. You don’t need any more demon-obsessed ghouls in your statehouse.

6. Renee Fucking Ellmers. Yup, nothing like a responsible gun owner arguing against more laws promoting ACTUAL gun responsibility. And not actually exercising any herself, either. Sorry, not sorry to hear about your stolen AR-15…idiot.

7. Lanny Fucking Davis. Hey! Remember the “liberal” PR flack of the fascist coup in Honduras? He’s ba-ack…and he’s trying to make himself seem less of a troll by consorting with pro sports goons to polish up their racist images. Yeah, that’ll work.

8. Gavin Fucking McInnes. Yo, Broham McNeckbeard, do thyself a huge favor and shut the fuck up about women. You don’t know shit about us. You do not know what we want. You do not know what we feel. You do not know what we need. You do not get to speak for us, and you most definitely do NOT get to send us back to the fucking kitchen in the name of your own apple-pie-in-the-fucking-sky ideal of “feminine happiness”. Next time you feel the urge to wank, could you just lock yourself in the bathroom, like all the other Axe-reeking 15-year-olds?

9. Kevin Fucking Swanson. Oh no he didn’t! Oh yes, he did. He picked on the Girl Scouts, accusing them of lesbocommunism! I’m just counting the days until some big hunky socialist fireman (or a rentboy dressed as one) breaks down his closet door and hauls him out into the light of day. You just KNOW he wants it!

10. Peter Andrew Fucking Nolan. Look! Up in the sky! It’s a crank! It’s a crook! It’s another sovereign citizen professional bullshit spouter, complete with his own kangaroo court! And on that note: Let’s hope somebody drags him into a REAL one, followed by a nice grey dismal jail cell, very soon. PS: Maybe make that a padded one. And don’t skimp on the straitjacket. This dude is seriously bekloppt. PPS: On second thought, skip the padding and the straitjacket. And give him plenty of rope. He needs to hang for this. And I don’t want him to get off on an insanity defence, even if he IS fucking deranged.

11. Theodore Fucking Beale. Yup, nothing like an educated woman (or girl, in the case of Malala) to scare the piss out of insecure men who must have all the moneyz (and control all the wimminz). Because educated women quickly comprehend the advantages of having fewer children (and consequently losing fewer to starvation, wars and epidemics). And because educated women comprehend even more quickly the advantages of not being controlled by a fucking loser, such as this one. Who is also, coincidentally, a deeply racist piece of shit, and whose “demographic” panic is, not surprisingly, fueled by racism. (Actually, guys like this are the very kind who should not be passing on ANY genes, because they clearly don’t understand either science OR rationality.)

12. Greg Fucking Sims. And then there are guys like this, whom you don’t want TEACHING kids. Especially not girls.

13. Jorge Fucking Cortell. Newsflash: Women who wear heels don’t leave their brains at the closet door. Men who take creepshots and then tweet stupid shit about them, on the other hand… #OpenMouthWideInsertFoot #wanker #StupidCEOs #notacareermove

14. Larry Fucking Busby, AGAIN. Ladies! Do you fancy a headful of grody hair? A mouthful of weirdly white horse dentures? Scary eyes? Tacky shirts? Rolls-Royce bling? Outlandish boasts? Unrealistic expectations? Bizarre interpretations of “free speech”? Unpaid electrical bills? A proven track record of unemployability? General aura of skeevy icky-poo yuckitude? Well, good news — he’s still single. And looking! But I don’t think he’ll be forking over that $1500 finder’s fee initially promised — sorry, all y’all who were hoping to hook him up. (I blame the horse dentures. Even bad cosmetic dentistry costs.)

15. Jozef Fucking Michalik. Funny how it’s always the child victims who are to blame, and never the priests who molest them. Who’s molesting whom, again? And who are the fucking adults in charge?

16. Brian Fucking Camenker. And again with the victim-blaming, this time in the case of gay-bashing. Who is wielding the knives, the guns, the clenched fists, again? And please, spare us the talk of their delicate widdle feelings. It won’t kill them to see gay people. If you make excuses for them, you are an accomplice to murder. ‘Nuff said.

17. George Fucking Zimmerman. Gee, Georgie, how lucky for you to have a well-to-do judge for a father. He can pull all kinds of strings for you, can’t he? If you grew up black and poor, you’d have been in jail long ago, and for a lot less than you’ve skated on over just this past year alone.

18. Sheldon Fucking Adelson. The US should nuke Iran? Why? Israel’s got all those warheads they’ve been making at Dimona for decades. Why don’t they just do it themselves, if they’re so hot to see Iran go up in smoke? Oh yeah…blowback. Plus the vindication of everything the Muslim world has been saying about zionism since the Nakba. That would be why, wouldn’t it. Meanwhile, this cowardly yutz will be whining until the end of time…ha, ha.

19. Ian Fucking Chang. How the hell is it “humanitarian” to “allow” a 15-year-old girl to marry the much older bastard who raped her? In what strange parallel universe is that ever okay? And why the hell is it being approved, by judges, in Guyana?

20. Mike Fucking Duffy. I wouldn’t doubt that #21 is a big fat liar, but he’s hardly the only one in this scandal. Case in point: Mike Fucking Duffy, who’s been bullshitting this nation ever since his days as a CTV talking head (who pimped The Rules one night during a completely unrelated broadcast, among other outrageous things). And funny how his heart condition doesn’t keep him from gorging himself or waddling around with drinks in hand at Parliament Hill pubs, eh?

21. Stephen Fucking Harper. No, you’re not the law. And you don’t get to make or break it singlehandedly, either. Not even for your cronies, like #20 and #22.

22. Pamela Fucking Wallin. Oh boohoos, your good name is tarnished! Was there ever such a self-serving prat? Jeez, Pammy, give it a fucking rest!

23. Dan Fucking Reidy. So, about that stenographer who had the little mental breakdown on the floor of the US House…guess what the real method to her madness was. Yup, she had some coaching from her preacher-man husband, who seems to think he’s God, or something. Pay no attention to that smell of brimstone wafting off his breath, you’re supposed to believe in Illuminati and End Times bullshit, and this was supposed to be her big début. Big débâcle, more like it.

24. Pat Fucking Robertson. Patwa really is something, ain’t he? This week, he shamed a mother for not being able to heal her deaf son with prayer alone. Next time he lands in hospital, I’m going to point the finger and accuse him of praying wrong, too.

25. Sarah Fucking Palin. Diabetic women passing out from insulin shock are funny? Only if you’re Death Panel Sarah, the Half-Term Half-Wit from Bumfuck, Alaska.

26. Patrick Fucking Brazeau. Oh, so he was offered a backroom deal? His entire senatorial career is one big fat one, so color me unimpressed.

27. Daryush Fucking Valizadeh. Okay, so maybe he didn’t write that awful screed about how kids should be beaten so that boys don’t turn out gay and girls don’t turn out rebellious. But since he published it, I’d say Roosh the Douche is fair game for a good soccer-dribbling around the room. And no, belatedly tacking on the word “satire” doesn’t excuse it. It’s not satire if the author really believes it. And it’s also not satire to say “I don’t give a damn what smarter people think, I stand behind my idiocy.” These guys, and above all Roosh himself, should never be allowed within a mile of children. Or, for that matter, other adults.

28. Dave Fucking Herman. And speaking of guys who should not be allowed near children EVER, how about him? He thought he was arranging for a mom to pimp out her six-year-old daughter to him, but it turns out he was chatting with a cop. The gross part is, he had no problems about setting the little girl drunk and then raping her. Consent, for him, was not important; his own satisfaction was. Just like a PUA, in other words.

29. Allen Wayne Fucking Densen Fucking Morgan. Why the double Fucking? Because that’s how insane it is that he tried to hire a Kluker (again, a police agent) to castrate and kill a black neighbor for a supposed sexual assault on his wife. Even if it IS Alafuckingbama, lynching is now illegal. And contract killing is illegal in ALL states. And why did they not call the cops, if the alleged assault happened? It’s not like the cops down there aren’t busting black dudes all the time…

30. Caroline Fucking Kitchens. Oh, so rape culture doesn’t exist? It’s all just drunken sluts lying about poor innocent widdle boys? Take a hard seat, lady. I was stone cold sober the day my parents first drove me to university more than 25 years ago, and there were all these blatantly rapey signs along the street leading through the student ghetto to campus. One of them read SHAVE YER DOTTERS BOX [sic]. Do you have any idea how fucking mortifying it is to see that, and instantly realize what you’ll be dodging for the next four years (and more if you’re going to med, law or grad school)? Do you have any idea what it’s like to hope that your parents didn’t see that…or understand what it meant? Do you have any fucking idea what it felt like to stay the hell out of the campus pubs because we were DELUGED with anti-alcohol “advice” for “preventing” rape? Or how much disgusting sexist pushback the “No Means No” campaign got at our school, of all places? No, of course you don’t. Too busy wagging your crapaganda-stained rightard fingers to pay any attention to what REALLY goes on both on and off campus. And oh yeah: I hadn’t touched a drop, either, the night a guy from my writers’ group made a sudden, sickening pass at me in his car. IN HIS MOVING CAR. Where I couldn’t escape unless I wanted to risk serious injury. But nooooo, that’s not rape culture either, I suppose…

And finally, to these douchey fuckers right here:

If this is that fabled male rationality I’ve been hearing so much about from the right-wing ignorati, then it’s high time the irrational-lady-with-PMS jokes stopped. Actually, they should stop anyway, because that shit’s just not funny. And this shit is just SAD. Congratulations on being such a credit to your sex, boys. I bet your mothers are so proud.

Good night, and get fucked!

Crappy weekend, everyone! So, how about them apples…all of North America is no longer prorogued/shut down/whatever. Congress is back to work, and so’s our Parliament. Yay! But don’t worry, the wanks are still on tap, and sploodging out as fast as ever. And here they come, in no particular order:

1. Ted Fucking Nugent. So, he’s got the runs? Well, that’s nothing new, he’s always soiling — oh. Wait. He says he’s PLANNING to run? And he even cut his hair to show how serious he is? Well, he should have fucking changed his filthy, shitty pants, instead!

2. Ted Fucking Cruz. And in other news of crazy fuckers named Ted (thank Goddess Bundy’s dead), this one just came right out and admitted that the shutdown of the past two weeks…was a fundraising scam to gather names and e-mail addresses so that the gullible and the hardcore stupid can be hit up for cash with spammy shit. As if he just couldn’t suck Koch hard enough, eh? PS: Ha, ha. PPS: Oh, oh. What have we here? Evidence of corruption? An indictment coming right down? Let us pray…

3. John Fucking Hagee. Uh oh, someone doesn’t know what a real pagan nation would look like. Well, let me be the one to enlighten you, John: It’s one where Halloween is the biggest holiday of the year, where people greet each other with a “Merry Meet” instead of hello, and say “Blessed Be” instead of goodbye. As for being “without shame”…well, the US has people like you to disgrace it, so that’s not true either.

4. Greg Fucking Collett. Medicaid is socialist welfare, except when he does it. And he wonders why no one will elect him? Houston, I think we have an answer. And just think, this asshole has ten kids. What kind of example is he setting for those poor little darlings? If he weren’t such a fucking hypocrite, he would have gone to his church for charity, like he tells everyone else to do. Fine father HE is! PS: And he home-schools them, too. Great, now they’re going to grow up to be idiots as well as hypocrites — if they don’t run away first!

5. Randy Fucking Neugebauer, again. Last time we saw him, he was scolding a park ranger for enforcing the Teabagger Shutdown. Now he’s up on ethics charges. Couldn’t have happened to a nicer piece of shit.

6. Maria Fucking Kang. What’s my “excuse” for not looking like you? Oh, maybe the fact that I’m not a former pageant queen, which puts a funny new light on the “anyone can do this” motivational bullshit argument you’re hawking. Or maybe the fact that I’m also not a narcissistic no-pologizer with the worst case of myopia I’ve seen all week. Or maybe just the fact that I have better things to do than drag my weary ass to a bleak, smelly gym at ungodly hours so I can kill myself trying to look like somebody I’m not. What’s your excuse for being such a privileged fucking twit, Maria? That would be a far more relevant question.

7. Jim Bob Fucking Duggar. Someone please tell this jumped-up cracker that if it’s a “baby holocaust” he’s after, abortion is not where he should be aiming his sights. Hitler was just as anti-choice as he is. No, the real baby holocaust is the Lebensborn program. Ever hear of that, Jim Bob? Oh, what am I saying…of course you haven’t. If you had, you wouldn’t be shooting off your big ol’ pig-ignorant mouth like you just did. Because damn, boy, you sure have a lot in common with the actual Nazis!

8. Sarah Fucking Palin. You’re an idiot! That is all.

9. Tony Fucking Perkins. So, Christians who actually take Jesus Christ at his word and work to help the less fortunate…are “wrongheaded theocrats”? And so-called Christians like you are…what? Insane with greed and hypocrisy, most likely.

10. Emily Fucking Yoffe. Never mind that directly telling guys not to rape actually works in bringing date rape down. No, let’s tell women not to drink, instead! After all, drinking while female is the root of all evil. And worse, I see you’re a repeat offender on matters concerning rape apologism and female-bashing. Is your column called Dear Prudence, or Dear Prudish? Getting awfully hard to tell… PS: Ha, ha. PPS: Nope, still not buying it.

11. Steve Fucking King. Oh, the shutdown was about “unleash[ing] human nature”? And what part of it were you unleashing — the lunatic id?

12. W. F. Fucking Price. I’m not sure what the W and the F stand for, but there really needs to be a T in the middle there. Because WTF? is the only logical response to a load of tripe to the effect that Columbus was really a hero, and that “girls” shouldn’t go to college because all they do is question conventional “wisdom” about Columbus, and the naturalness of patriarchy, and all that other dumb shit. (The other thing missing from the picture is the fact that college “girls” who can think for themselves are obviously smarter than this old fart, upon whom all education was clearly wasted.) PS: Reeeowrrr! Hiss! Raowwwrrrr! Ha, ha.

13. Matt Fucking Barber. Harvey Milk was a hero. You, on the other hand, are demonstrably, categorically an evil piece of shit.

14. Joseph Fucking DiBenedetto. Here’s a clue-by-four for all you guys who STILL don’t get it: Whenever you say “I’m not _____, but”, you are TOTALLY _____ing. And in this case, the blank stands for BLAMING THE VICTIM. The “but” doesn’t negate what comes after it, but what comes before it. In other words, you’ve just admitted you’re an asshole. You’re welcome. (And SHAME ON YOU.)

15. Rachael Fucking Sacks. So, you’ve decided to stop apologizing for being rich as fuck? Good for you. How about you apologize for being a clueless twit, instead? (Or, failing that, just go stand next to #6 in the corner. I’m sure she can relate.)

16. Michael Fucking Bloomberg. Hey Bloomy, if you really want people to ignore Banksy on his incognito tour of the Big Apple, you’re going about it all wrong. Tell your cops to ignore him first. Because Rule #1 of Artistic Controversy states that if the cops are after you, you must be doing something right. PS: And if you think lack of affordable housing is a Good Thing, you obviously aren’t one of the 99%. You need to get Occupied all over again!

17. Allen Fucking West. Someone doesn’t know what a monarchy is. Last time I looked, His Barackness wasn’t wearin’ no crown. And there are, in any case, no crown jewels in the US. You Repugs blew any chance of ever buying any when you shut the country down, remember?

18. Larry Fucking Pratt. Once again, the surname is justified. Please drop that second t, wouldja?

19. Michele Fucking Bachmann. Yeah, heaven forfend the government should actually do some work for all that pay they draw…especially the good-for-nothing teabaggers who shut it down for nothing. Sad days indeed…

20. Stephen Fucking Harper. See, I knew the Throne Speech was going to be nothing but horseshit. Can I call ’em, or what?

21. Rob Fucking Ford. Ah yes, he’s so hard-working, he can afford to sleep on the job…and talk tough about firing community workers who may have very legitimate reasons for coming in to work tired…like, oh, say, health problems, or other jobs to make ends meet. Yeah, he’s just such a sympathetic, unhypocritical guy all around, is Robbo…and I am the Queen of Sheba.

22. Giorgio Fucking Mammoliti. And speaking of sleeping on the job and being an asshole, how about him? His transformation to a whip-cracking, jackbooted SupposiTory is now complete. I expect him to run for federal office under #20’s aegis any day now, assuming his growing reputation for shittiness at City Hall doesn’t end up losing him the next municipal election first.

23 and 24. Peter LaFucking Barbera and Rick Fucking Scarborough. Oh, get a room, you two. And stop talking nonsense about class-action lawsuits against gay people. You’re lucky they aren’t launching one against YOU, because they definitely have a case.

25. Paul LeFucking Page. Maine, WTF is the matter with you that you have such a shit for a governor? Are that many of you nuts enough to vote against your best interests so that he can go on coddling fucking millionaires? You ARE aware, I hope, that wealth doesn’t trickle down, it gets vacuumed up? Get your fucking act together and throw his ass out next election, unless you want to see that millionaires’ tax burden downloaded onto YOU.

26. Dennis Fucking Miller. Remember when he was funny? Yeah, neither do I. Unless it happened by accident when I wasn’t watching, maybe. Funny how being merely obnoxious makes me not want to watch…

27, 28 and 29. Dave Fucking Hall, Glenn Fucking Taylor and Dylan Fucking Taylor. Pro tip, guys: When in a national park with 200-million-year-old rock formations, don’t play Boy Scout and topple them for “safety” reasons (or any other). You just defaced a priceless national monument with your fucking stupidity. If you’re that concerned about the safety of your young charges, don’t walk near precarious rock formations! See how simple that is?

30. Brandon Fucking Wade. Yes, the Internet’s #1 pimp and all-around douchebag is back, and this time, he’s got a prostitution app to peddle. Women can “date” skeezy guys for smallish favors in return. Or bribes. Or fees. Because heaven knows, the pleasure of someone’s plain and simple company is passé in this ultra-capitalist era… PS: Aaaand he appears in the comments. Scroll down and don’t miss the fun…at his expense, natch.

31. Gus Fucking Cusimano. You want voting fraud? You got it. And funnily, it’s always Conservatives who do it.

32. Todd Fucking Kincannon. No, transpeople aren’t “sick freaks” who should be locked up in concentration camps. They’re just regular folks, trying to make a life, like everyone else. YOU, on the other hand, are a fucking Nazi…and the dustbins of history have plenty of room left for your ashes.

33. Vitaly Fucking Milonov. And speaking of history and dustbins…don’t look now, bud, but you just got swept!

34. Linda Fucking Oliver. Don’t worry, lady, nobody wants to gay-marry YOU. In fact, with all your hideous bigotry just hanging out all over the place, I’d be sincerely surprised if anyone wanted to straight-marry you. And no, the “I heard that word as a kid/didn’t mean no harm” excuse doesn’t wash anymore. You did SO mean to do harm, and if you had any guts, you’d own up to it. Stop whining about your hurt feelings, and apologize to the people whom YOU hurt, already.

35. Anne Fucking Paulk. The closet of denial is deep and wide with some people. And if this one just wanted to quietly live in there, well, that would be her prerogative. But since she’s telling mothers to “detach” from their gay kids, and that this unaccepting, shunning behavior is “healthy”, well…guess what that makes her?

36. Dick Fucking Cheney. Oh, that Big Dick, he’s such a card. How would it be possible for terrorists to “hack” his heart? He doesn’t fucking HAVE one. But he sure as hell is one paranoid android…

37. Arnold Fucking Schwarzenegger. So, Ahnie plans to break US law and run for president? Or should that be Der Gropenator of the land? Well, good luck with that. I think Cullifohnia — sorry, California — may have a few contrary words to say about that.

38. Silvio Fucking Berlusconi. A two-year ban from public office? Gee, I bet he’s crying in his Prosecco already. Make it a lifetime ban, and please, make it behind bars.

39. Paul Fucking Elam. Damn, I was so looking forward to seeing the self-proclaimed “Voice for Men” make a wild-eyed ranting ass of himself on 20/20. Oh well. Guess I’ll just have to console myself by reading all about what a stochastic terrorist of a misogynist swinebag he is, instead. PS: Reeeeowrrr!!! Hiss!!! Raowrrrrrrr!!! Ha, ha.

40. Philip Fucking Kline. What a fucking pity your law licence wasn’t suspended sooner…like when you were in office as Kansas’ attorney general. Oh well, at least now it can never happen again. Ha, ha.

And finally, to the entire town of Maryville, Missouri. I absolutely love the way you guys treated Daisy Coleman…and by “love”, I mean hate your fucking guts and can’t say that name without spitting. Special dishonorable mention to the people who raised those rapey kids. They’re your mess, and it’s time you cleaned it up. And by “clean it up”, I do NOT mean sweep it under the rug, as you’ve already done. You’re not parents, you’re not grandparents, you’re criminal enablers. And don’t you DARE whine to the media about “assassinations”. You don’t know the meaning of the fucking word. Daisy does. And it’s still happening to her…and Paige Parkhurst, too.

Good night, and get fucked!