News of the Restless

Crappy weekend, everyone! And congrats to Mississippi for finally officially recognizing what the rest of the Free World (and I use that phrase advisedly) has known for, oh, only about 160 years or so. Jeebus, with this much forward thinking, you might even eventually discover the internal combustion engine, or abolish Jim Crow, or something along those lines. Won’t that be awesome? In the meantime, though, it looks like you’re firmly mired in the awful. Just like the following, who come in no particular order:

1. Mark Fucking Sanford. Please, dude, hike the Appalachian Trail for realz this time. In fact, just STAY there and don’t say a word about it anymore. It’d be for the best. Really.

2. Tucker Fucking Carlson. Obviously he has never met any Wiccans. I know for a fact that I’m not twice divorced, because I haven’t once been married. As for being a nerd or an older woman, or a midwife: What the fuck is wrong with that? He may be awfully juvenile (and Lord knows he’s been affecting that frat-boy look for way too long), but he’s not getting any younger either. And as for nerdiness, may I remind him that bowtie boys who live in glass houses shouldn’t go throwing rocks at us cool Witches. It’s not that we can turn him into a turd; it’s that he doesn’t need our help for that. And what he does need, the Lady Liberty League has taken upon itself to provide him…namely, one classy dressing-down. Ha, ha.

3. Mary Sue Fucking McClurkin. A baby is an organism, not an organ…and it also happens to exist outside of a woman’s body. When it’s inside her, it’s a fetus. And it’s still not an organ. That would be the uterus, which is under no circumstances the largest in the body; that would be the skin. Which she is a huge waste of. Look, lady, if you’re going to try to regulate other women’s ladybits, shouldn’t you at least pass a basic science course first?

4. Joshua Fucking Hinn. When your ol’ man is Elmer Gantry, it stands to reason that you can get away with beating up Brazilian deaf-mutes who come to him in the (futile) hope of being healed. Especially since he has the power to make money rain down on the local police so they don’t press criminal charges.

5. Rush Fucking Limbaugh. A slob with three failed marriages under his belt (and a fourth in the works) criticizes a president with one successful one. And by “criticizes”, I mean “baselessly accuses of having an affair”. Speaking of affairs, I wonder if the Pigman has made any trips to the Dominican Republic lately. And if he’s now getting Viagra prescribed under his own name, for a change.

6. Anthony Fucking Ozimic. If you’re going to talk about child abuse, better start by cleaning up your own homophobic, anti-choice household first. Because religious brainwashing is a form of child abuse that flies under the radar, as the growing list of church scandals makes all too clear. But above all, could you please tone it down? You’re setting off my gaydar something awful.

7. Jay Fucking Laze. Yeah, get concealed gun toters to flash their pieces in your pizzeria. Great idea! And if one of them turns out to be a robber, hey. At least his sacred, sacrosanct Second Amendment privileges won’t be compromised, rightrightright?

8. John Fucking Rocker. Why are so few washed-up sports stars pundits? Um, I think we have the answer. But good on WingNutDaily for taking their chances on his racist, war-mongering, gun-nutty ass. Too bad his head’s full of putrid horsemeat.

9. Oscar Fucking Pistorius. Why do I not believe his version of what happened at his house on Valentine’s Day? Well, for starters, he had a history of domestic incidents, and the police got called to his place two hours before Reeva Steenkamp was shot dead. But really, this week, what makes him a wanker as well as a killer is the fact that his cover story just stinks to high heaven. It’s kind of hard for him on the one hand to say he felt vulnerable because he wasn’t wearing his prosthetic legs when he thought he heard a burglar, but then was somehow able to carry his dying girlfriend down the stairs a short time later, after shooting her through the bathroom door and bashing her head in with a cricket bat.

10. Marco Fucking Rubio. He can blame God all he wants, but after raising over a hundred grand off one awkward water guzzle, I’d say he milked that wank but good.

11. Courtney Fucking Stodden. Please, don’t try to act Latina. Or is it Asian? I can’t tell. A brunette wig and red lipstick won’t make your cheesy fake accent more convincing. But it will make you look weird and vaguely racist.

12. John Fucking Baird. Oh, oh, look who slunk home with his tail between his legs when the news broke that Chavecito was back from Cuba, recovering nicely and preparing to take the next stage of his cancer treatment at a military hospital in Caracas. Yup…SQUEALER! Gee, d’ya think he rethought his half-baked ideas about “bringing democracy to Venezuela” through the back door while the Big Guy was out? Or did he just realize that it was all probably not going to fall on welcoming ears no matter whether the ‘Cito was in or out of country? PS to Squealer: Venezuela has only one real pro-democracy group. It’s called the GOVERNMENT. USAID-financed putschists don’t count!

13. Rob Fucking Morrison. Not only did he try to strangle his wife, his police mugshot is the most smugly fucking creepy thing I’ve seen all week. PS: UGH.

14. Martin Fucking Aitken. Here’s a massive clue-by-four for all you prejudiced motherfucking bigots out there: Don’t broadcast your idiocies on your Facebook pages, or anywhere else for that matter. Because you can, and WILL, be fired for shit like that. And you will have no one but your disgusting self to blame.

15. Pete Fucking Domenici. Eight kids with his long-suffering wife, and he still felt the need to breed around with a chick half his age? That’s awfully big of him. Too funny that she’s the daughter of another right-wing senator. The big question is, why did her ol’ man not come after him all loaded for bear? Where in the Right-Wing Nutjob Guide to Family Values does it say that thou shalt tolerate thy daughter’s getting knocked up by your very married crony? PS: Her defence of him is also good for a wank.

16. Conrad Fucking Black. Oh look, Lord Blah-Blah’s convictions are all upheld. Now can we deport the scumbag? Like, BEFORE he goes on TV to bore us all the fuck to death? PS: And by contrast, how entertaining is it to hear him cry poor and make lame excuses for his own untimely legal action? The man retained the highest-powered defence attorneys in two countries for THIS? I don’t think Eddie Greenspan appreciates being made belatedly aware that he’s working pro bono. PS: Ha, ha.

17. Maurice Fucking Taylor. If you ever wonder why I say capitalism is shit and should be made small enough to flush down a toilet, now you know. This one says what they’re all thinking: that for the market to be truly “free”, all workers should be enslaved. Liberty and money for me, whips and chains and coffle yokes for thee!

18. Mike Fucking Leara. A bill prohibiting all talk of further gun controls in the Missouri statehouse? Yeah, that’ll fly. Trashing the First Amendment in “defence” of the Second is illegal, you dolt.

19. Jennifer Fucking Olsen. Why?

That’s why. Yeah, that’s right. The Ol’ Massa Ain’t A Bit Racist ploy. It NEVER gets old for these teabagging fools.

20. Ben Fucking Shapiro. Gawd, it’s so easy to troll these Breitbart wingnuts. They’ll believe everything, because they are just so desperate for something reeking of an exclusive. Even when the New York Daily News gets trolled ahead of them.

21. Peter Fucking Turkson. Can you believe he’s the forerunner in the papal race? He thinks that gay priests are to blame for all the sexual abuse scandals. Yeah, and what about all the ones in his own native Ghana and elsewhere in Africa, the ones who rape nuns? Oh wait, that would be heterosexuality running amuck. And ADULT heterosexuality, yet. Can’t wait to hear him explain priests abusing little girls, either. In other words: Yeah, he’s practically a shoo-in for the top job at the Vatican. He doesn’t quite have Ratzi’s impressive record as chief inquisitor and sex-abuse cover-up artist, but he mouths all the right bullshit, and he’s their token black dude, so hey.

22. Tarcisio Fucking Bertone. And if you think #20 is just an aberration, I have sad news for you. He’s got company! This one relies on crap psychology to make his shabby case for keeping the priesthood — and the papacy — a massive closet for sexual deviants. PS: Ha, ha.

23. Stephen Fucking Harper. He’s so touchingly concerned about religious freedoms abroad! Awww, isn’t that cute? Meanwhile, here at home, he decides to reveal, in a mosque of all places, just how heavily he skews toward right-wing Christianity and the need for that to be free to kick aside the rights of all other religious believers around the world. Hey Stevie, how’s about respecting religious rights and freedoms here in Canada? No can do? What a surprise.

24. Laura Fucking Bush. Yay, Pickles has piped up again! It’s been so long since we’ve heard boo out of her. And this time, it’s in support of same-sex marriage, but she also doesn’t want to be SEEN to be in support of same-sex marriage. Why, Pickles, I had no idea that this was something to be ashamed of. Have you been dipping into your husband’s meds instead of taking your own?

25. Mitch Fucking McConnell. The GI Bill is supporting terrorism? Only in the fever swamp of the Old Bitch’s addled brain. Also, BENGHAZI.

26. Bob Fucking Beckel. Proof that even liberal men can be clueless about rape? Yup. And also just as adept as his fellow FUX Snoozers at issuing non-apologies.

27. Lindsay Fucking Lohan. No, it’s not illegal to make fun of her, and never will be. And that’s a good thing, because just by trying to make it illegal to mock her, she gives one so much more fodder for…well, you get the picture. PS: This is fodder, too.

28. Bill O’Fucking Reilly. This man should not be writing books. ANY books. Much less about the death of Jesus.

29. Ted Fucking Nugent. I’m sorry, but Frank Zappa did the “I’m not black, but there’s a whole lotsa times I wish I could say I’m not white” thing a damn sight better. Probably because he didn’t get all racist first, and thus had no need to cover his ass. Now fuck the hell off.

30. Tim Fucking Hudak. It doesn’t matter what it is — if it’s Liberal, he’s agin it! And that’s how he’ll vote. Even if he’s never read it. And just imagine, kiddies, he wants to be Premier of Ontario. Do you suppose this could be a clue as to why he isn’t?

31. Ron Fucking Kronenberger. Any excuse to take a belt to someone else’s bare ass. That’s not kinky, that’s PERVERTED.

32. Pat Fucking Robertson. Oh look, Patwa is now a climatologist. A very amateurish, immature, utterly uninformed one. Did I mention nutty? Also nutty. Cthulhu beckons…

33. David Fucking Keene. He’s president of the Fucking NRA, and his son is serving a 10-year prison sentence for a road rage incident involving guns? I’m sure there’s absolutely NO connection between the two. None whatsoever. Nope, nope, nope.

34. Ann Fucking Coulter. At this point, I’m surprised that anyone still considers the Coultergeist to be in any way relevant to public discourse. But there she was, the self-styled Judy Garland of the Right, blatting that of course gays can marry — as long as it’s someone of the other sex. Ba-dump-bump. I’ve heard exactly that same line from so many other wingnuts before her. In fact, I nearly became a victim of it myself, 25 years ago. If she’s going for cheap laughs at the expense of ruined lives, can’t she at least find some fresher material?

PS: And she doubles down by using a misogynist term. I’m sure the irony of that is utterly lost on her.

35. Michael Fucking Walsh. Who? Yeah, that was my response, too. Apparently he writes for the National Review, and he’s trying to drag his country back into the Dark Ages. There is literally nothing else you can say about someone who wants all progressive constitutional amendments repealed. Or wait, maybe there is ONE thing. And that would be FUCK OFF, YOU FUCKING BACKWARD FUCKER.

36. Justin Fucking Bieber. That just might be the douchiest costume in the history of douchitude. And strangely, the diaper-bum pants were the least douchey aspect of it. But you know what’s even douchier than that? THIS.

37. Steve Fucking Lavin. Enough with the “personhood” of nonpersons, already! How the hell are corporations supposed to show up at a polling station, show a valid voter registration card, and enter the voting booth? They can’t, and that’s a good thing, because nobody WANTS them voting. Of course, I fully expect some idiot to propose fetal voting next.

38. Louie Fucking Gohmert. No, the US doesn’t need any more guns in the hands of nuts who hate Muslims. The biggest terrorist threat in the country comes, as always, from far-right nutjobs with too many fucking guns, for the love of Mick!

39. Bryan Fucking Fischer. Oh noes, Tim Tebow reconsidered his decision to speak at a church that shares a lot of positions with the Westboro Bastards! It must be the fault of Big Gay Al. Or Big Gay SOMEBODY. Or maybe it’s just that the big dumb galoot finally saw a wee glimmering of light? Oh noes! Couldn’t have THAT, could we…

40. Larry Fucking Klayman. Scarcely a week goes by that this blowhard isn’t trying to sue somebody. And scarcely a week goes by that this blowhard doesn’t get his farty fool ass laughed out of court.

41. Scott Fucking Lively. Even if His Barackness WERE gay (and he’s most certainly not), what would be so bad about that? NOTHING…unless you’re a homophobic idiot, like…er…this dude right here. Who thinks that unsubstantiated allegations constitute proof of something. Newsflash: the POTUS doesn’t always travel with his wife. Sometimes, his trips are strictly business. I know, hard to believe! But true. So there.

42. Larry Fucking Elder. It’s so hard for the teabaggers and nutjobs to find good help these days. But hey! As long as they’ve got Larry, they have a loyal Uncle Tom, one who’s all too willing to bend over backwards for them, the lower the better. Or to throw black single moms under the bus, and blame them for all sorts of shit that’s clearly not their fault. Same difference.

43. Camille Fucking Paglia. Y’know, I had her all sussed out for a wanker from the moment I first heard her call herself a feminist, and then, in the very next breath, take a mind-bogglingly stupid (and blatantly ANTIfeminist) position. That was back in the ’90s. Everything she’s ever said since then has only served to confirm that I was right. Including this week’s truly iconic bit of idiocy, in which she takes her picture-worshipping to new and breathtaking heights of Teh Stoopid.

44. Javarsky Fucking Sandy. Guns don’t kill people, ovens full of bullets kill people! What kind of fucking idiot keeps ammo in an oven, anyway? And why does this fucking idiot have a concealed-carry permit?

45. Lance Fucking Kinzer. Why?

Yes, they really do want to dictate to half the human race. On the bright side, though, now it’s all out in the open…where we can take pot-shots at it.

46. Ted Fucking Cruz. Quick, somebody, check his birth certificate. If the numbers are right, this guy could well be the reincarnation of Tailgunner Joe McCarthy!

47. Rush Fucking Limbaugh. Finally, he admits defeat. But he snatches it from the jaws of victory by claiming that “the left” and “my country” are not one and the same. Face it, Pigman…your country is liberal, the majority of the people are liberal, and no amount of Viagra and OxyContin can make THAT headache go away. Now, when are you finally gonna make good on your promise to bugger off for Costa Rica?

48. Julian Fucking Fantino. He’s now such an embarrassment to Canada that there’s an international petition circulating against him. Clicky the linky and sign, sign, SIGN.

49. Andrew P.W. Fucking Bennett. Yup, Harpo’s new ambassador of “religious freedom” (note the quotes) is a theocrat, all right. He thinks that having a policy of official neutrality regarding religion is some kind of weird new cult. Which tells us one thing for sure and certain: He doesn’t have a clue what religious freedom really is. It also happens to include freedom FROM religion as an official instrument of state, duh.

And finally, to all the crazy-ass states to the south of me who are doing their damnedest to drag women straight back into the Dark Ages, where nobody belongs. Especially Oklafuckinghoma, where a cardiologist with NO knowledge of what birth control pills actually do is spearheading the effort to keep women from getting them. He’s calling them “poison”, without the slightest sense of the irony of that; in fact, the Pill has been shown to help protect women from heart disease as they grow older (and it helps prevent cancer, too!) Meanwhile, not a word of boo about Viagra, which IS poison and has killed an awful lot of men. Who, as it happens, died of HEART ATTACKS. Hello? Dr. Pedulla? Why so silent about THAT? Aren’t you a heart doctor?

And then there’s Alafuckingbama, which also has zero sense of irony; their state legislature recently passed some aptly named “TRAP” legislation, with an eye to shutting down abortion providers. And get a load of the chutzpah: They claim to be doing it in the name of “defending our rights”! What rights, pray tell, do closed-down clinics defend? If anything, they deprive women of the right to safe and timely medical intervention. You’d almost think that Alabama WANTED to go back to the Bad Old Days, when entire maternity wards lay full of women dying of illegal abortions gone wrong. Meanwhile, gun nuttery goes unchecked. And that, too, will fill hospital wards with people who really shouldn’t have to be there.

I guess the right to life for those already born really doesn’t matter to any of these people. And you know what I have to say to THAT?

That’s right:

GOOD NIGHT, AND GET FUCKED!