News of the Restless

Crappy weekend, everyone! Well, I guess you all heard about the Big Dick’s new heart, eh? Yeah, he finally got a human one for the first time in his life. If that thing is really human, it’s gonna reject him prontissimo. I’m now taking bets as to when that will happen. Meanwhile, here are a whole bunch of wankers who are still on the list waiting for their hearts, their brains, their courage…or just a smidgen of some semblance of humanity:

1. Mitt Fucking Romney. If government is all about “looking for places to interfere”, then Mittens should fit right in. Along with all those other right-wing politicians wasting tax dollars trying to crawl up every woman’s vagina. PS: Tune-up time for Mittens!

2. Pat Fucking Robertson. Given how obsessively he harps on gays being “possessed by Satan”, I wonder if there aren’t quite a few little pink tutu-clad skeletons dancing Swan Lake in his closet. Sent, of course, by You Know Who.

3. Rick Fucking Saccone. It’s been the “Year of the Bible” every year now for, oh, only 2012 fucking years. Isn’t it time we gave this silly theocratic shit a rest?

4. Joe Fucking Oliver. I’m sorry, but I just can’t find it in my heart to feel pity for someone who shot and killed an unarmed kid for Eating Candy While Black. And who said “fucking coon” under his breath right before he did it. And no, I don’t believe it was “goons”, much less an endearment. Who the hell says endearing things of unarmed black kids he’s about to kill because “these assholes always get away”? Is “asshole” now an “endearment”, too?

5. Herman Fucking Cain. I have no idea what fucked-up point he was trying to make with that rabbit-killer ad, but it’s now obvious why he’s out of the race for the Repugnican leadership. So much repugnance is too repugnant, one would hope, even for THEM. (It certainly was as far as YouTube is concerned.)

6. Newt Fucking Gingrich. What? He’s still there? Yup. And by there, we mean in the septic tank, swimming with the feces. Nice to see his true colors at long last.

7. Shea Fucking Gunther. I won’t make a lengthy list of Dos and Don’ts regarding the crafting of rejection letters. I’ll simply say Don’t send the same “short and sweet”, interminable, insufferable rejection e-mail full of Dos and Don’ts to every one of your 900+ luckless applicants, fergawdsakes.

8. Rick Fucking Santorum. I’m just gonna leave this right here…

…and leave you to ponder the skeletons that must be kicking around in Taliban Ricky’s sweater-vest-stuffed closet. PS: Oh my, somebody came close to dropping an N-bomb! And we already know how RickyLeaks feels about blahhhhh people.

9. Ron Fucking Johnson. Oh lordy, lordy, good Gordie. I am SO tired of old teabagger men trying to tell women how (not) to do birth control. And I am even MORE tired of the “religious freedom” argument. Here’s an idea, Ronnie…how ’bout YOU just shoving a fistful of teabags in your mouth, a fistful of aspirin between your knees, and going the hell AWAY?

10. Geraldo Fucking Rivera. Nice passive-aggressive non-apology thing you got goin’ there, Gerry. I’m sure Trayvon Martin’s family feels sooooo much better and un-insulted NOW.

11. Ileana Fucking Ros-Lehtinen. Well, let’s just say this for the rabid ol’ bat: she ain’t no one-trick pony. Here I thought that her entire career consisted of trying to kill Fidel Castro and persecute Cuba. Turns out she’s also trying to kill pregnant teenagers and persecute anyone who tries to help them get an abortion without their parents finding out and, you know, KILLING them. Boy, does it ever feel great to be wrong about HER!

12. Jedidiah Fucking Jenkins. You know, it’s uncanny, but that is EXACTLY what we imagine the Kony 2012 people did with most of that money that went to their so-called charity. Because when only one-tenth of it goes to, you know, actual AFRICANS, it’s kind of hard not to jump to conclusions of that sordid nature.

13. Courtney Fucking Stodden. Just when I thought she was gone, she popped her lacquer-dipped head up again to annoy us further. Which takes a fair bit of doing. And just when I thought PETA couldn’t get any more fucking annoying (and disgusting)…it DID. Which also takes a fair bit of doing!

14. Tucker Fucking Carlson. Speaking of annoying and disgusting, how about Fratboy McFloppyhair? Apparently, a non-white person who dares to broach the subject of rampant, institutionalized and ongoing racism anywhere is…brace yourselves…A RACE-BAITER! Yes, folks, that’s the dog-whistle term from Right Wingnuttia for anyone non-white who insists on being treated with dignity and respect, rather than cringingly waiting for the crumbs to fall from Ol’ Massa’s table. If you’re gonna talk about “race-baiting”, Fucker, talk about THIS. Because gee, the timing of THAT is awfully opportune, don’tcha think?

15. Debbie Fucking Lesko. Ha, ha. That is all.

16. Dominique Fucking Strauss-Kahn. His teflon coating may have caused those rape charges (from a black woman of low socioeconomic status, natch) to slide right off him. But high-class prostitution with (I’m guessing all white) call girls sent as “gifts” and “luggage” by his oh-so-thoughtful, equally rich and ultra-sexist friends? That might well be a different matter. And even if those charges go nowhere, at least we can see his real attitude towards women in all its glory. He refers to these women euphemistically but in terms of inanimate objects. A halfway human type might at least use words like “colleague” or “friend” or “date”, rather than “gift”, or “luggage”…or “package”, or “bicycle”.

17. Stephanie Fucking Eisner. Crappy editorial cartoon is crappy. And if you’re going to scream inarticulately about media bias through your crappy, racism-skirting editorial cartoons, how about looking at the facts, kiddo, and admitting that the media for the most part have given George Zimmerman a free pass until just this last week or so?

18. Nancy Fucking Brinker. Oh dears, it looks like somebody’s pink merchandise just ain’t sellin’ like it used to. I think I may have to squeeze out a tiny pink crocodile tear or two.

19. Marty Fucking Burke. Wow, talk about your sore fucking losers. First, he challenged (unsuccessfully) for Frank Valeriote’s seat in Parliament, using all kinds of shabby tricks, from attempting to disenfranchise Guelph university students voting at a special advance poll (he even sent an operative to snatch the ballot box!), to robocalls misdirecting Valeriote supporters to another location, one NOT sanctioned by Elections Canada (which, in any event, does NOT call people to tell them their polls have moved to another location, because it does not move polls.) And now Burke claims he’s being harassed by the press? Yeah, Marty McNot-So-Fly, anybody coming to ask you some perfectly legitimate questions is a terrible harasser. But only if you’ve got a lot to hide, pal.

20. Michele Fucking Bachmann. Still there. Still looking crazy. Still talking crazy, too. Why the media still treat her like she’s relevant, however, is a question that may never be answered. Oh wait, she was only on FUX Snooze. That’s not journalism, that’s just wingnut crapaganda. My mistake!

21. John Fucking Baird. Squealer wouldn’t know what was right if it confronted him at high noon with six-shooters drawn. So it’s awfully funny to see him contorting his face over the whole concept of standing up for it.

22. Garry Fucking Breitkreuz. One-size-fits-all stoopid still burns. Guns for girls? To prevent rape? Um, NO. The REAL way to prevent sexual assault is to TEACH BOYS NOT TO RAPE, you fucking dumbass!

23. Rob Fucking Anders. “Straight forward” and “common sense”? Also “dumb ass”. What would be TRULY straight-forward and common-sense is getting Sleepyhead out of Parliament for good. Also, who would trust this somnolent idiot with a gun? Not I.

24. George Fucking Zimmerman. Surprise, surprise, surprise, the killer LIED! There was no fight, he has no injuries, and Trayvon Martin is still dead for no good reason. Unless, of course, you consider “He’s tall, black, was wearing a hoodie, and toting a can of tea and a bag of Skittles” to be good reasons. Also, dude looks like a skinhead. WITHOUT a skinned head. Things that make you go hmmmm…

25. Jim Fucking Flaherty. If all of our prices are rounded up to the nearest nickel come fall, you know who to blame. Yes, that’s right, people…Copper (not Diamond) Jim!

And finally, to all the racists, Klukers, Stormfronters and other assorted fascist scum out there who are STILL trying to make out like Trayvon Martin was somehow to blame for getting his teenage ass killed: Shut the fuck up. Go the hell away. Find yourselves a nice desert island, far away from the rest of the world, and move there if this world doesn’t please you. Slink back under the rock from whence you came, and never rear your ugly, sheet-hooded heads again. YOU are the reason for the toxic climate of racism that got an innocent teenager killed for Eating Candy While Black. And now you’ve resorted to hacking and falsifying the dead boy’s e-mails? At long last, assholes, HAVE YOU NO FUCKING SHAME?

Good night, and get fucked!