News of the Restless

Crappy weekend, everyone! Well. How’re we all enjoying our March Break? Not at all, you say? I’m not surprised. Look who’s fucking with my peace of mind this week, in no particular order:

1. Ellen Fucking Johnson-Sirleaf. Excuse me, ma’am, but why did you win the Nobel Peace Prize, again? Failing to support human rights in the country you govern is just plain shameful. And yes, gay people are human. They are not the sum of their “acts”. And seriously, FUCK “traditional values”. If you cannot make a tradition of understanding and accepting nature’s variations on a theme, your traditions are not worth shit.

2. Rick Fucking Santorum. Oh look, RickyLeaks got himself a spray tan. Now he can join Boehner in the weeping of the big orange crocodile tears. And what’s this “Tweedledum” shit? Coming from Tweedle-dumber, that’s downright rich. And really, Ricky…if you’re gonna castigate Mittens for talking out of both sides of his mouth on “moral” issues, you’d better watch your own. You used to be pro-choice too. Pot, kettle, etc. PS: And speaking of both sides of his mouth, get a load of RickyLeaks now, claiming he never talked about contraception. O RLY?

3. Dennis Fucking Terry. If Icky Ricky still doesn’t strike you as a theocrat yet, maybe you need to watch this horrible preacher introducing him at a rally. He thinks the US should be inhabited only by “Christians”. (Note the quotes and draw your own conclusions as to what’s meant by that, kiddies.)

4. Neil Fucking Livingstone. Speaking of lovely family-values Repugs who talk out of both sides of their mouths, how about this one? He wrote a manual on how to pick up “hookers” (his word!), and even admits to having been on a yacht where his wife was “the only non-hooker on board”. He also advises people on how to do drugs in foreign countries without overdoing it. But then he turns around and claims he had no personal experience with drugs and prostitution, nor that he was advising people on how to do them. Guess he must have done so much of both that it screwed with his memories of having written that very explicit manual, which sure sounds like it was written with the voice of experience!

5. Bristol Fucking Palin. Let’s stick with Fraudulent Family Values a bit more, and see what the Alaskan Kardashians of politics are up to, shall we? Oh dear, trying to wangle an apologetic phone call from Barack Obama, for ugly words actually uttered by Bill Maher? Not smart, considering that Mama Grizzly actually defended the Pigman after his notorious three-day outburst of “slut” and “whore”, the same that’s now costing him sponsors and supporters, and which got Sandra Fluke a supportive call from His Barackness Himself. But thanks a lot, Bristol, for pointing up just how fucking two-faced your own side really is. Not to mention what a bunch of shallow attention hogs your own family are.

6. Chuck Fucking Winder. Apparently, pregnant women seeking abortions don’t really know what’s in their uteri. Poor dumb dears, they don’t even know how that stuff all got there. They can’t tell rape or incest from Normal Marital Relations. Or — oops — maybe it’s Chuck Fucking Winder who can’t, and who’s trying to legislate his ignorance onto the rest of his fellow Idahoans? (And does he have a Facebook page, I wonder? Or some mailing address I could send a crocheted, stuffed uterus to?)

PS: And he just got stupider. I have the strangest ladyfacepalm!

7. Lynndie Fucking England. I’m trying really hard, but I can’t find a single thing even remotely sympathetic to say. The closest I can get to it is WHAT THE FUCKITY FUCKING ACTUAL FUCK???

8. David Fucking Cameron. Congratulations on having made “Backward Britain” a reality at last. You complete and utter fucking tool.

9. Peter Fucking Kent. Incurious ex-journalist castigates curious current journalists for journalistic curiosity. Curiouser and curiouser!

10. Glenn Fucking Beck. I know, I know. I’m as shocked as you are that he’s still in existence. That he hasn’t (yet) Breitbarted out on us. But yes, he’s still around, still trying to seem relevant, and still as racist as ever. And still as deep in denial as ever, too. River in Egypt, Cleo.

11. Terri Fucking Proud. Yes, let’s lump this Proud Imbecile in with #6, since both of them seem to think women are as stupid about abortions as THEY are. Newsflash, lady: We don’t NEED to see an abortion to know what’s entailed, as accurate (and not anti-choice-biased) information is already available on the Internets. And even if we did see one (and believe me, there’s not much to see in the case of a vacuum extraction, which is what nine out of 10 abortions are), it wouldn’t change our minds.

12. Mike Fucking Daisey. Rule #1 of successful storytelling: Never stretch the facts to fit your ego. Rule #2: Go back and read Rule #1.

13. Alan Fucking Dick. Nice name you got there, bud. Fits you, too. As for your idea that we should get men to sign abortion permission slips for us (again)? FUCK YOU, DICK. We don’t need your permission to get pregnant, and we shouldn’t have to seek your permission to get un-pregnant, either.

14. Lou Fucking Engle. What does the murder of Trayvon Martin have to do with Planned Parenthood and abortion? In reality, nothing. But in the far-from-real world of the Religious Reich, it’s yet another opportunity to declare a Two Minute Hate on women’s rights. Along with gay and minority civil rights, of course. Because the Religious Reich loves to pretend it cares about black people while promoting the very kind of politics that tramples their rights straight back into the Jim Crow dirt.

15. Debbie Fucking Lesko. Yep, she’s a wanker again this week. And this week’s wank consists of losing her shit, hijacking a mike, and just generally making an even bigger ass of herself than she was last week. If such things are even possible. Because, you see, last week she proposed the mother of all stupid laws, in which Big Business takes over from Big Government in the momentous task of intruding into each and every woman’s uterus, and denying women the right to look after it themselves.

16. James O’Fucking Keefe. Considering how he’s such a concern troll for chastity and against abortion, even going to the length of pretending to be a pimp in order to paint Planned Parenthood as some kind of evil enabler, I’m sure you’ll all appreciate just how delicious is the irony that he’s now being accused of rape by someone who used to work with him. And even tastier: The accusation sure smells credible.

17. Lisa Fucking Raitt. Her anti-worker assholery led to a wildcat strike among Air Canada workers. It takes real talent to do that! In the words of my best friend, who almost nailed it here: “Lisa [Fucking] Raitt is a self-entitled spoiled brat who has always had things handed to her — and leaves things in a mess once she’s forced to move on. She’s been caught abusing her expense accounts in previous jobs and is only ever out for Lisa [Fucking] Raitt and the power and prestige she thinks she can accumulate.” You forgot the Fucking; fixed it for you!

18. Ann Fucking Coulter. Hey, Harpy McCrazybitch, shut the fuck up about liberals. Your side started all the dirty low-down mudslinging that created this climate of casual misogyny and anything-goes. YOUR side declared liberals’ kids to be fair game. Remember Rush Fucking Limbaugh and his “Chelsea Clinton, the White House Dog” crack? Guess you must have been awfully high at the time, you missed that. Also, you’re too late to the “let’s slam the Obama children” party; Rick Fucking Santorum already got there ahead of you.

19. Andrew Fucking Lansley. Yeah, I bet that “pre-signed abortion consent form” shocker of yours is one helluva piece of red meat to toss to a public that isn’t buying your government’s Great Leap Backward into the bad old days of privatized medicine and barefoot-and-pregnant. I don’t see how it could possibly backfire, either.

20. Dharun Fucking Ravi. Bringing a date into a dorm in front of roomies does NOT equal consent to an illegal (and gay-shaming) webcam recording of a subsequent encounter. Neither does being shy and unsociable. But thanks for trying to make out like it does.

21. Geraldo Fucking Rivera. So this is his way of trying to stay relevant? Blaming Trayvon Martin’s hoodie for his murder? What a crock of shit. I’ve worn hoodies for years, and no one’s ever given me a hard time for it. Maybe being a middle-class white woman helps?

PS: Ha, ha. PPS: Oh, look who else is a hoodie-wearin’ thug. The entire Miami Heat basketball team!

22. Pat Fucking Robertson. Okay, Patwa has finally gone through the fucking Looking Glass. Tim Tebow is nothing but a sanctimonious halfwit. And putting a hex on his former team for trading him is pretty damn sanctimonious and half-witted, too. If God really cared that much about football, and football players who invoke Jesus, don’t you think the Broncos would have won the Super Bowl while they still had him?

23. Donald Fucking Pridemore. Yep, he’s a wanker again this week. For outsourcing his e-mail answering duties to a “dunass” who can’t spell. Ladies and gents, please give it up for Bill Fucking Savage, a moran who won’t last long in that crappy job.

24. Lisa Fucking Taddeo. Other Woman writes convoluted, self-serving crap piece blaming unsexy wives for their dickweed husbands’ cheating. Esquire publishes it, apparently without even trying to get her to rewrite that hot mess into something vaguely intelligible. I’m hard-pressed to say who’s the bigger wanker — the Other Woman who can’t write, or the editor who okayed that fucking shitpile. Are they that hard-up for prurient page filler to stick between the glitzy ads over there? This is a serious candidate for the Bad Sex Writing Awards, people — but that much wankage takes more than one to rub out.

And finally, to whoever fucked with the online voting process at this weekend’s NDP leadership convention. Thanks to your DDOS attack, I only managed to vote once, in the advance poll; maybe that’s just as well, since I was at least not forced to choose between Mulcair and Topp, neither of whom I would have picked EVER, as neither one is my idea of a real progressive. But now I’m obviously stuck with one of those two, and come the next federal election, I’ll be holding my nose for the first time ever while still voting NDP. I’m not happy that my party has been forcibly dragged to the right by persons unknown. Know this: I may not know who you are, but I have a pretty fair idea what party you’re with. You’ve got major bad karma coming, asshole. Hope you can withstand the shitstorm, because I am laying a big-time hex on your Tory, er, SORRY ass.

Good night, and get fucked!

Crappy weekend, everyone…crappy St. Paddy’s Day to all…and especially all you slutty, slutty sluts out there. Because hey, if we’re gonna go by the Pigman’s definition of what constitutes sluttitude, then we’re all in it together, right? And that makes us a bunch of sluts to watch out for. And who’s afraid of sluts? Why, wankers, of course. And here’s who’s feeling the fear this week, in no particular order:

1. Gary Fucking McCoy. Crappy cartoonist working with false facts draws crappy cartoon that still manages to (hideously) resemble its subject — a young woman law student from Georgetown U. — enough to make it quite clear that yes, he thinks she’s a slut and a hypocrite. Along with all the other right-wing nutters who think so. Well, someone here is certainly a hypocrite, but it’s not Sandra Fluke. Who, I hope, will sue McCoy right out of his position as an overpaid crap doodler of fashionable right-wing libels. That is, as soon as she graduates into that plummy $160,000 a year job he thinks all law students are just going to be handed as soon as they pass the bar exam. In what strange parallel universe, I wonder?

2. Arcides Fucking Santiago. Bad cops are often literally wankers, and this one was caught on camera doing just that. Hilariously, he also campaigned (unsuccessfully) for a city council spot, on a platform of “transparency and accountability”.

3. Huw Fucking Evans. Stop me if you’ve heard this before: Married, middle-aged doctor gets caught on the couch in his office, boinking his secretary. Who is also, by interesting coincidence, also a former patient of his. To whom, of course, he is NOT married. Ostensibly the doctor is separated from his spouse and recently got back from a vacation more irritable, rather than relaxed as one would expect. So of course he dealt with the stress the only way he knew how (and how original that was!) And does he regret it? Oh yes…he regrets not locking the door.

4. Peter Fucking Van Loan. So, election rigging is now an inappropriate matter for questioning in the House of Commons? But of course. That would be giving the fraudulence of the Harper Government™ and its leading secret for success away. Mustn’t let a pesky little thing like democracy interfere with our chronic lack of accountability, must we?

5. Sarah Fucking Palin. All her leg-showing gambits for another vice-presidential nomination going nowhere fast, the Quitbull With Lipstick predictably falls back on another tried-and-not-so-true strategy to keep her full-of-fail self in the spotlight: claiming her words were taken out of context by someone who merely played them back verbatim. She should be thankful they didn’t play back the whole thing; it’s much worse than the excerpts. PS: And another failed strategy: Facebook faceplanting!

6. Ryan Fucking McDougle. If you want to know who to blame for Virginia’s latest regressive “personhood” and transvaginal ultrasound nonsense, blame him. And don’t forget to send him your used menstrual supplies, ladies!

7. Jedidiah Fucking Jenkins. Y’know, dude, if you’re gonna promise an interview in which you explain all to a media outlet trying to hold Kony 2012 accountable for, you know, its accounts, the first rule of business is to follow the hell through. The second is to learn to e-mail in a professional manner, because in lieu of the interview you wouldn’t give, that media outlet just might publish the contents of your e-mails instead. And those e-mails might just make you look like a fucking idiot.

8. Rush Fucking Limbaugh. Speaking of Joseph Kony and fucking idiots, the Pigman’s massive gaffe of a few months ago deserves a not-so-instant replay this week, because he actually defended the bastard then. Any stupid-ass pretext will do when you’re trying to attack His Barackness and insinuate that he’s a Muslim at war with Christians, eh Rush? PS: This makes me snicker, too.

9. Debbie Fucking Lesko. More proof that Aryanfuckingzona is circling the toilet drain: Repugnican woman proposes law allowing employers to snoop into their employees’ sex lives. And if they find you taking the Pill for non-medical (i.e. contraceptive) reasons, and they don’t like that, they can fire you. Hey, it’s a “right to work” state, and that means that not only does the “small” Republican government get the right to snoop into your uterus, so does your fucking employer.

10. Abby Fucking Johnson. Speaking of snooping into uteri, guess what this previously listed wanker’s next act is since defecting from Planned Parenthood to join the leagues of the anti-choicers? Yup…SUING Planned Parenthood. Frivolously, of course. What else can you call it when she’s specifically attacking the PP branch that she used to run, accusing it of filing 87,000 “false, fraudulent or ineligible” claims…on HER watch? Isn’t that self-incrimination? Oops — better plead the Fifth, Abby! No, wait, wouldn’t that mean dropping the fucking suit? Oh, dang. Unforeseen consequences are unforeseen!

11. Laren Fucking Poole. Oh look, another Kony 2012/Invisible Children clown appears in a bad light. And this one’s an accused cheater who, according to this item, “swings both ways”. Isn’t all that kind of not allowed by your fundie religion, dude?

12. Randall Fucking Terry. Dude. Seriously. Do NOT make videos. Do NOT rant. Just shut the fuck up and go the hell away, ‘kay?

13. Don Fucking Pridemore. Yeah, old man, I can tell you’re a great expert on the subject of domestic violence. Your stupid dickishness totally gives it away. Abused women do NOT need to fall back in love with their abusers, because that will NOT make them stop abusing. They need to fall the fuck OUT of love, for good, and get the hell away from the bastards. FOR GOOD. Even if it wrecks your cozy ideas of what a family is supposed to look like. Capisce?

14. Rick Fucking Santorum. Y’know, for someone who rails on about how all things sex-related are leading to the downfall of society and shit, RickyLeaks sure eats an awful lot of awfully phallic foods. On camera, no less. How this is supposed to lend credibility to his anti-porn ravings, I do not know. (Nor do I know what that thing in his hands is. Yikes!) PS: Espuma de mierda, vete pa’l carajo. Puerto Rico is not going to be changing its name to “Port Rick”, EVER. Also, EWWWWWWWWW!

15. Leon Fucking Wieseltier. Yes, let’s bomb Syria and Iran into an acceptably western state of “democracy”. Worked so well for Iraq and Afghanistan, didn’t it? I mean, what else are impoverished kids from across the Fruited Plain gonna do in the name of Character Building, propping up American Exceptionalism, and shit like that? (BTW, Wieseltier is German for weasel. Seems so fitting, somehow.)

16. Jeff Fucking Sessions. Objectively pro-rape. As well as pro-wifebeating. What else is there to say?

17. The Phucking Phelps KKKlan. Finally, a marriage made in heaven…er, hell…or wherever it is that fundies do their dealings with Satan. They’re buying ad space on Rush Fucking Limbaugh’s show, citing “natural affinities”! At this rate, they’re going to tank not only their own cult, but his, too. Niiiiiiiice. PS: God hates dittoheads!

18. Tom Fucking Corbett. His attitude on state rape, a.k.a. unnecessary transvaginal ultrasounds prior to abortion? “Just close your eyes.” Yes, really…that’s his advice to women undergoing it. Even if they’re rape survivors and the mere presence of the probe is a PTSD trigger. I’d like to say the same thing to him. Preferably while subjecting him to a splintery broomstick where the sun don’t shine.

19. The Fucking US Conference of Catholic Bishops. Yes, the whole damn bunch. Because all of them, apparently, are all about the ridiculous notion that religious freedom means the freedom to impose their own medieval religious strictures on everyone else. And especially on Catholic women, who — shocker! — use artificial birth control at almost the exact same rates as their non-Catholic counterparts.

20. Rick Fucking Perry. Crotch is about to find out the hard way what Lysistrata was all about. But then again, maybe he’s not only too dumb to know of Aristophanes; rumor has it that he’s also partial to rentboys. PS: And he doubles down on the dumbth! This is gonna be good.

21. Brooks Fucking Bayne. Want to freak out a teabagger? Get yourself a Jewish boyfriend. Sandra Fluke apparently has one. And apparently, that somehow makes her part of some vast Jewish socialist slut conspiracy to TAKE OVER THE FUCKING WORLD!!! PS: Oh my. Someone certainly has himself some, uh, Manhood Issues! Sounds like a screaming closet case to me.

22. Pat Fucking Robertson. Oh great, Patwa thinks I’m a virus now. Me and that Jewish socialist boyfriend of my dreams both, apparently. How much longer do you plan on fucking with us, O Cthulhu?

23. Bradlee Fucking Dean. Presentation on the evils of bullying: Ur doin it rong. Srsly STFU. PS: ‘Tis a pertinent question, that it is…

24. Jude Fucking DeAngelo. Cluepon for ya, old celibate-boy: Condoms are not a ticket entitling the bearer to a free date rape. And really, when’s the last time you heard someone say “Oops, I better not rape this one, I don’t have a rubber and she might get preggers”?

25. Marcel Fucking Guarnizo. And while we’re on the subject of closeted queens with unChristian attitudes, how about this one? Doubling down on the nastitude after denying a woman communion because she lived with a same-sex partner? AND mouthing back at his churchly superiors? Whatever happened to that vow of obedience, there?

26. Michael Fucking Pena. Want a good look into the twisted mind of a rapey cop? Then take a gander at this one. He got upset when arrested for sexual assault, but he called it “cheating with another girl”. Yes, really. And look! This one has “cheated” before. On the job. Of course.

27. Cary Fucking Sherman. Draconian dastard wants to make damn good and sure that entertainment industry honchos to own the Internets, and that you go to virtual prison for the slightest infraction. At this rate, their product is going to attract nothing but flies, and they’ll be lucky to get even that. Because, y’know, it’s already shit and all.

And finally, to all you “conscience clause” supporters out there. This is what you’re actually supporting, and it’s only a matter of time before it bites all of you in the ass:

“Freedom of religion” — gotta love it.

Good night, and get fucked!