News of the Restless

Crappy weekend, everyone! Wow, first Advent…first week of December…where did the past week go? If you spent any of it fighting other shoppers in stores (some armed with pepper spray, oy vey), you may have saved a few bucks, but you wasted your time. But never fear, you can make up for it here…by getting some badly needed laughs at the expense of the following, in no particular order…

1. David Fucking Duke. Savor, for a moment, the irony that this fucking Nazi was arrested for trying to spread fascism…in Germany. Then, savor the irony that he had the unmitigated chutzpah to solicit donations from his brain-dead followers (who, in a further irony, make quite a case for eugenics, or at least, against cousin marriage).

2. Grant Fucking Smith. It takes a special kind of balls to look at kiddie porn on your laptop during a first-class flight from Salt Lake City to Boston. it takes a special kind of mustache, for sure. It also takes a special kind of total fucking stupidity.

3. Herman Fucking Cain. And the laffs just keep on rollin’. This week we have more sexual-molestation victims coming forward, AND a woman who was Cain’s mistress (presumably consensual) for thirteen years. Even funnier: This zipper trouble is, according to his lawyer, no one’s business, while what Bill Clinton’s penis did was, of course, everyone’s business. Will his long-suffering wife call THAT “old school” as well? Stay tuned… PS: Oh, my GAWD. Is this for serious? Also, stock photo is suddenly gone from logo. Guess the models complained! PPS: Fork. In him. DONE.

4. Bill Fucking Looman. He’s not hiring till Obama is gone? Man, that Georgia cracker racism thing is a bitch. I sure hope his crane business can stand four more years of nobody working for them…OR hiring them. Because, y’know, their company reviews are in the shitter.

5. Mark Fucking Wach. And speaking of crazy fucking crackers from down south — mang, what is in that water? This one got so drunk off his ass that he shot a lawnmower, fought with his son, and when arrested, said it’s just what redneck people do. Hey, no argument from ME there…

6. Gabriele Fucking Amorth. I’m pretty sure I’ve wank-listed him before. But not for being Pastor Bigot’s yoga-hating (and Harry Potter-slagging) Catholic cult compadre. Don’t make me repost that JFK anecdote from last week, old man! (And hands off Harry! He’s a much better fictional creation than your devil, anyday!)

7. Paulina Fucking Gretzky. The Great One’s firstborn is all growed up…and, unfortunately for her, she didn’t grow into the brightest light on the Xmas tree. For one thing, she can’t spell “psych”. For another, she doesn’t realize that all those guys out there, fawning (and fapping) over her skanktastic twitpics…are old enough to be her grandfather.

8. Rob Fucking Ford. You know you’re a PR disaster when your press secretary can’t cover your ass anymore, and throws in the towel. In fact, you know you’re a disaster, period.

9. Ann Fucking Coulter. Sorry, Coultergeist, but you don’t get to say “douchebag” — unless you’re making a direct reference to yourself.

10. Steve Fucking Frye. I’m not sure what kind of egalitarianism he was expecting from a party at the Playboy Mansion, where good-looking women probably only got in free so Hef wouldn’t have to actually PAY them to show up to his sexist shindigs, like he normally would. But I do agree that a thousand bucks is too much to spend for entry to a tawdry brothel full of doggie doo — especially in support of Jenny McCarthy’s quack autism “charity”, which only peddles long-debunked nonsense about vaccines anyway. Good luck with that lawsuit, eh?

11. Jim Fucking Boeheim. You just gotta admire the way Syracuse University’s head basketball coach stands up for his accused-of-child-molesting buddy, Bernie Fine: by calling the accusers liars and saying they only wanted money, and then apologizing by saying he owes his pal “a debt of allegiance”. Interesting choice of words! Still more interesting: saying he has no control over what the accused does in his spare time. Only problem is, many of the alleged abuses took place on school grounds and during games at home and away, which would mean that in fact, this WAS his responsibility after all. So, this is how you stand up for what’s right in the lucrative world of college sports: by putting one foot in your mouth, and then the other.

12. Joran Fucking Van der Sloot. By now, I think, just about anyone could be forgiven for thinking that his name is Dutch for unmitigated fucking chutzpah. Not only does he think he get away with murder (twice!), he expects to get PAID for it, too.

13. Emma Fucking West. All I can say about this tram-riding troll is that she’s got a brilliant future ahead of her…in the BNP.

14. Stephen Fucking Harper. He’s finally got his so-called majority, and yet he STILL wants to prorogue Parliament? Talk about insecurity. But there’s a remedy for that: Lock him up, fit him with a straitjacket, and throw away the keys to the rubber room.

15. Erik Fucking Prince. The world’s biggest (and deadliest) mercenary contractor apparently also has the world’s thinnest skin (no doubt stretched past the breaking point trying to cover that insanely large ego!), and that’s why he can’t handle the truth. And also why he threatened a US congresswoman for simply telling it like it is.

16. Michele Fucking Bachmann. Riddle me this: How do you close a US embassy in a country (Iran) that doesn’t have one? I don’t know, and I don’t think she does, either. But damned if she isn’t keen on CLOSING that fucker! Also, she thinks the best way to protect gay people is to do nothing for them. Are we sensing a pattern here? PS: I have the strangest feeling she’s speaking from experience here. Anyone wanna touch this?

17. Kim Fucking Kardashian. The dude who didn’t know he was only playing her husband on TV is filing for an annulment on the grounds of fraud, and given the highly sniffy circumstances surrounding their “marriage”, I’d say he stands a very good chance of getting it.

18. Samir Zia Fucking Chowhan. Uh oh, somebody doesn’t grasp the no-brainer concept that sex with your secretary/paralegal (as a job requirement, no less!) is unethical and unprofessional conduct. As is asking for pictures and body measurements with the résumé. But hey! He also advertised that no experience was required, and that on-the-job training would be provided. Yeah, I’ll just bet!

19. Kimberly Fucking Crain. Who, seriously, trims an Xmas tree in a bra and panties with “Ho Ho Ho” written on the rear? Not little third-grade girls, and certainly not for the benefit of their teacher’s camera (and that of a mysterious “Uncle” on Skype!).

20. Newt Fucking Gingrich. Why is this corporate welfare bum even still in the running? Oh yeah: He disses the poor kids and calls them lazy, thus running interference for his corporate cronies. Gotta keep Wifey #3 in Tiffany’s bling, eh?

21. Peter Fucking MacKay. Remember how I called him an entitled little brat several moons ago over his use of taxpayer money and search-and-rescue choppers to fly him in and out of fishing holes? Well, his entitled brattiness has just come back to bite him. Of course, this week, his wank is that he’s not resigning over the several prior wanks. Because he’s just entitled that way, y’know.

22. Michel Fucking Taubmann. And, while we’re on the subject of entitled: Someone please clue this clueless Dominique Fucking Strauss-Kahn biographer/apologist in to the fact that women are not in the habit of giving come-hither looks to old men’s dicks. Especially not old men with a long-established habit of shoving their dicks into everything that doesn’t get out of the way fast enough.

23. Edward Jay Fucking Epstein. This one too, please…and kindly add a side order of Occam’s Razor.

24. Bikram Fucking Choudhury. You have no idea how long I’ve been wanting to list this materialistic creeper for claiming he owns the very concept of Yoga, people. You have no fucking idea.

25. Martin Fucking Weiss. A talent agent who molests his child clients (often over the course of several years) is undoubtedly a criminal. The same person, though, when using the “s/he WANTED it” excuse…is a delusional fucking wanker. In case it hasn’t been said about a kazillion times yet: EVEN IN THE HIGHLY UNLIKELY EVENT THAT THE KID COMES ON TO YOU, YOU ARE STILL LEGALLY AND MORALLY OBLIGATED TO KEEP YOUR FUCKING HANDS OFF!

26. and 27. Salman Fucking Rushdie and Devorah Fucking Rose. I can’t decide which is more pathetic: the relentlessly vapid fame-groupie (whom I never heard of until now), or the famous acclaimed author who, despite being a famous, acclaimed author (and old enough to be her father, not that it counts in terms of dignity or anything), still spells “hot” with three Ts, like a twelve-year-old typing one-handed. They engaged in a brain-melting round of middle-school note-passing via Facebook, and now all the Internets know the whole story, thanks to her braggadocio and his threatening to sue. She’s a fuckwit, and he’s disingenuous about the age gap (which also pertains to just about all his prior relationships, in case you haven’t noticed). But which is the bigger joke: the bimbette, or the bimbetter? I’m still trying to make up my mind. Gentle readers, what say you?

PS: Ha, ha:

28. The Fucking Majlis al-Ifta al-Aala. Yes, the entire council. Someone kindly inform these medieval Saudi relics that in the modern world, women often learn to drive as young as 16, and don’t automatically cease to be virgins as soon as they learn to stick a key in the ignition all by themselves. If virginity hasn’t ceased to exist out here due to women driving (alone OR accompanied), what makes these clerical clowns think it’s going to cease to exist in Arabia? O ye of little faith!

29. The Fucking Government of Afghanistan. I really can’t top this comment from a real, live Muslim woman on the whole sorry shit marry-your-rapist-and-save-your-honor thing, so just clicky the linky and enjoy, ‘kay?

30. Vicky Fucking Hartzler. If Christianity is the “main religion” of the United States, why doesn’t SHE practise it by showing some love and tolerance for fellow human beings? Too “fringe” for her, I guess. Or maybe she’s threatened by the fact that Wicca and other pagan religions are growing faster than her own brand of Christ-killing?

And finally, to the Fucking Harper Government™. Your handling, or rather MIShandling, of the Attawapiskat crisis tells me that in spite of all the pro-gun rhetoric you spouted on the hustings to appease the racist right-wing bullies in the boonies, you really don’t give a flying rat’s ass about the people of the North. At least, not the ones who were here before all the ignorant old white stump-jumpers you’re so fond of tossing red meat to. If you really cared, you’d stop prattling racist nonsense about money, and start shutting the fuck up and LISTENING for a change. While Tony Fucking Clement was doling out the pork for million-dollar gazebos and other unnecessary shit in Muskoka, the people of Attawapiskat were being slowly starved and neglected. This crisis didn’t just happen overnight; it’s been brewing for the five years that your so-called government has been in power, proroguing and warmongering and repressing the citizenry — in short, doing everything BUT governing. We don’t have to go to Somalia to see the Third World; it’s right there in our own backyard. The people of Attawapiskat might as well be living in tepees for all the housing help they’re getting. As someone who was born in Northern Ontario, I’m cringing with shame that this was allowed — yes, ALLOWED — to happen. Especially by a government that preaches such a big game about fiscal responsibility, but can’t even begin to exercise it themselves. You have nothing to say to Attawapiskat. Your credibility is in the toilet, and that is where your so-called majority government also belongs. Because damn, you fucking STINK. And I can’t wait to see you all get the Royal Flush.

Good night, and get fucked!

Crappy weekend, everyone! And happy Wanksgiving to my many lovely and talented readers in the States. You people sure have a lot of winners (pronounced wieners) walking among you. My sincere condolences! This year, as your president and other political animals are out there pardoning the turkeys, I’d like you all to spare a thought for the following ones, who have neither feathers nor beaks…and who are unpardonable at this or any other time of year:

1. Mark Fucking Driscoll. Pastor Bigot hates Yoga; yawn, so what’s new? He hates EVERYTHING that is past the end of his own nose. As luck would have it, I’m focusing more on my own Yoga practice lately, and that’s why I find his anti-Yoga wank so goddamn fucking hilarious. It’s the furthest thing from the truth. Here’s a little story for you, from Jess Stearn’s excellent book (which I’m reading right now), Yoga, Youth, and Reincarnation:

Could one be Christian or Jew, or whatever, and still make use of Yoga, without affecting one’s own faith? It seemed likely. Tony Soma, proprietor of Tony’s Wife, a popular Manhattan bistro, remained a Catholic, while standing on his head and singing operatic arias in a remarkable demonstration of vitality at seventy-three. But Yoga was far more to him than a dramatic headstand. He had taken it up after his first wife’s death, and it had helped him through a period of tension and sorrow. And now he stood on his head five minutes a every day, and let the world do as it pleased. A United States senator from Massachusetts, a Catholic like Tony, had once demanded, “How can you say Yoga is superior to your own religion?”

Tony smiled. “I don’t say it’s superior — just different.”

John F. Kennedy returned to his dinner, apparently mollified.

And there you have it, folks. If that’s good enough for JFK, it should be good enough for anyone! Yoga gets the spiritual kinks out while leaving the religion in peace. It might do wonders for Pastor Bigot, but since he’s already in the thrall of his own demonic entity (its name is Blind Hate), he’s never gonna know true salvation. Poor devil!

2. Linda Fucking Katehi. The only thing that resonates louder than a crowd roaring “Shame, shame, shame” is a crowd facing you in deeply disapproving silence as you scurry past. And that’s just what the chancellor of UC Davis got in return for defending the pepper-spraying of nonviolent protesters at the university last week. It looks good on her, no? Especially since she’s doubled down instead of stepping down. More disapproval? You got it!

3. Chuck Fucking Wexler. Why?

That’s why. No sense denying the obvious. Especially since the whole world is watching, and therefore, the whole world KNOWS when you’re fucking lying.

4. Ashton Fucking Kutcher. Gentlemen, meet the last man you’d ever want to take relationship advice from: the soon-to-be-ex-Mr.-Demi. I use the term “man” loosely, since, at the juvenile age of 33, it’s apparent that he’s got some maturational issues there. Hence all the sluttin’ and Jesus-beard-growin’. (It’s called OVERCOMPENSATION.) Most guys have adulthood pretty well figured out at least 10 years ahead of him (some, 15 or even more!), but this wart on the genitals of humanity is gonna grow old disgracefully, by all indications. And if he hasn’t grown up by now, he never will. So…unless your greatest ambition is to wind up senile and decrepit in ratty pajamas and a “mansion” full of dog shit, I’d advise you to take whatever he says with a truckload of road salt. Better still, ignore it.

5. Diego Fucking Arria. Drama queen of the corrupt Venezuelan opposition thinks he can seriously get Chavecito charged for pre-crime at The Hague? With preo-cooked documents? Oh, and he DEMANDS action? Promptly? And he “fears retaliation”? Much laughter to ensue, folks. There’s a reason this old buffoon is a FORMER diplomat. Popcorn?

6. Leocenis Fucking García. And while we’re on the subject of Venezuelan oppo drama queens, how about this one? Going on a hunger strike for the “right” to publish indecent, crude cartoons as “journalistic opinion”? How, um, NOBLE. In a land where the corporate media already runs roughshod over the truth and largely unchecked (trust me, he’d never get away with shit like he has in CANADA), he’s utterly discredited. Why Reporters Without Borders defends him, I don’t know. I guess they don’t know the real story on him, but I do. He’s in cahoots with the prison mafia bosses, and is a known putschist. And he’s VERY unpopular with Venezuelan women’s groups, thanks to his little sexist doodle demeaning ELECTED female leaders. At this rate, RSF is right on schedule to become the next big international laughingstock in the campaign to falsely discredit Venezuela, right along with the OAS and Human Rights Watch. When will they all learn to keep their hands OFF?

7. Bryan Fucking Fischer. I’m beginning to think there’s a little pink-tutu’d skeleton doing the Watusi in his closet. How ’bout you?

8. Maurice Fucking Greenberg. How’s this for chutzpah? His “too big to fail” corporation got bailed out, BY THE US TAXPAYERS, and promptly went on a ritzy-spa spending spree to celebrate. Now he’s suing the government for $25 billion US, claiming the shareholders lost money when the government “took over”. Excuse me? It was all down to YOUR mismanagement, mister. You’re lucky the government isn’t suing you…although if I were in their shoes, I’d certainly be looking into a countersuit. And if I were one of your shareholders, ditto.

9. The Fucking Duke of Edinburgh. Sez wind farms are “useless”, and he would know, being full of wind and no use whatsofuckingever himself. Meanwhile, the Germans are looking at him and sniggering quietly up their environmentally friendly sleeves.

10. Pamela Fucking Geller. Oh noes, your Butterball turkey is gonna turn you into a SECRET MUSLIM! It’s gonna make you chant prayers in Arabic and fall on your face in the direction of Mecca five times a day, whether you want to or not! Because it’s “stealth halal”, whatever THAT is supposed to mean. Culturally-inclusive turkeys, the HORROR! Here’s a terrific way to avoid the Stealth Stoopid, kiddies: Don’t swallow anything you hear from Pamela Fucking Geller.

11. Roy Fucking Egan. Can you believe this freak-scene used to work for the TSA at Chicago’s O’Hare airport? What a pity for him that they monitor Facebook. But blacks, Latinos, Muslims and LGBT folk can breathe a sigh of relief that he’s not there anymore.

12. Herman Fucking Cain. Aaaaaand the wanks just keep on coming. This week, it’s no veggies on the pizza (those are for sissies), despite pizza being declared a vegetable by none other than the Repugnican-dominated congress itself, thus creating severe internal contradictions within the party as well as the pizzasphere. And when the Koch Brothers’ butler had to be operated on for colon cancer (the product, no doubt, of his oh-so-unsissified eating habits), what a relief that Dr. Abdallah was a Lebanese Christian! Yeah, who needs a halal endoscope poking around in your colon, eh? Maybe he’d like to join #10 at her bigoted table this holiday — that is, if she doesn’t fall to the floor, vomit pea soup, and babble apoplectically about “fucking shvartzers“.

13. and 14. Bill O’Fucking Reilly and Megyn Fucking Kelly. If pepper spray is just “a food product, essentially”, why don’t YOU eat it and shut the fuck up? PS: Ha, ha.

15. Ken Fucking Langone. We 99%ers don’t care about your hurt fucking feelings, Mr. Home Despot. Pay your taxes and shut the fuck up about how horribly fucking hard you have it at the top of the food chain.

16. Rick Fucking Perry. Well, it’s official: Crotch is clueless about international terrorism, international relations, and international fucking everything. I’m sure this could be shortened to Crotch is clueless, period.

17. Sarah Fucking Palin. Ooooooo, this could get interesting….it looks like she just alienated FUX Snooze! Let’s hope this spells the end of her media gravy train (and her media exposure), because I’m getting really really really REALLY fucking sick of listing her here everytime she yaps about her hangnails.

18. Joe Fucking Amendola, again. Jerry Sandusky’s accusers are being “pampered” and made to “feel important”? My, what an interesting choice of verbiage you got going there, Mr. Creepy Attorney. Because, you see, pampering and making kids feel important is just what perverts do when they’re grooming them. PS: Saying that Sandusky’s home was “like a hotel” isn’t helping your case any, either. The fact that it’s like the No-Tell Mo-Tel actually is gonna make him look even worse!

19. Danielle Fucking Crittenden. Anyone with an IQ above room temperature would know that you can’t insert a tampon that is already saturated, never mind with what, in any orifice. And anyone with an IQ greater than her shoe size would realize that if alcohol burns your throat going down, it will probably do much worse to other, more delicate mucous membranes. But no, not this professional concern troll, Mrs. Axis-of-Evil herself, who has made a tidy cottage industry of telling women to go back to the kitchen and mind that their precious offspring don’t grow into commie-pinko libbers, or the terrorists will win. Her IQ is clearly in the freezer (probably right next to the Absolut). She just had to learn the hard way what the kids already know without having to try it. On the plus side, maybe this will shock her into NOT drinking (or inserting) the latest scary swill that the right-wing media gin-mill spits out. A girl can always hope, eh?

20. Andrew Fucking Breitbart. Why?

That’s why. If Occupy camps are just “semi-perma poopie rape cities” to him, then he’s a fully-perma drunkie asshat who’s never been within a mile of one. He’s being paid (wayyyy too much, IMO) to paint the worst and most unrealistic picture of anything that seriously challenges a stratum he can only dimly DREAM of joining. And kiddies, you just KNOW that this one’s gonna end up muttering his incoherent obscenities behind a 7-Eleven sometime in the none too distant future, once the Koch brothers decide he’s becoming a crapaganda liability and get tired of sinking their one-percenter bucks into his Big Bullshit family of sites. THEN we’ll see how he feels about “begrudging” the billionaires, eh?

21. Rush Fucking Limbaugh. Every year, the Pigman recycles his own lame, erroneous version of Thanksgiving, founded in 1994. And every year, millions of US citizens, accidentally hearing it, come away with either several additional IQ points missing, or a massive bellyache, depending on their personal politics.

22. Mitt Fucking Romney. I guess the crap AEI meme du jour must be “Hezbollah in Latin America”, because all the Repug candidates were spouting it all over the place this week. Mittens was no exception. But since he used the phrase “imminent threat”, let us use one of our own in response to that: BULLSHIT, MITTENS!!! PS: And speaking of bullshit, check out just how adept Mittens has become at double-talk: On the one hand, he preaches law-abidingness, on the other he wipes his computer records, ILLEGALLY. Mittens is now officially bilingual!

23. Enrique Fucking Mendoza. And while we’re on the subject of terrorists in Latin America, how about a real one? This one, a fascist putschist (failed, as are they all in Venezuela) thinks we’ve all forgotten what he got up to one fine April day in Caracas, nine years ago. He seriously thinks he stands a chance, 10 years later, of “stopping Chavezism”! He seriously thinks we’ve forgotten his instigating role in the coup, and the shut-down (that’s CENSORSHIP, kiddies) of VTV? Unfortunately for Enrique, the Internets NEVER forget. And they never stop laughing, either.

24. The batshit fucking crazy woman who pepper-sprayed her way through a Wal-Mart just to get to the stinkin’ Xbox games. And people wonder why Black Friday is the most reviled day of the year in the US? Or why no one can seem to save a dime there, unlike the French and the Germans? Or why WallyWorld has such a shitty reputation? I think this might be a clue, y’all.

25. Josef Fucking Ratzinger. Sez pedophilia is a scourge, alludes darkly to Sandusky scandal. Sez nothing about Vatican’s liability for sweeping own sex scandal under rug. But hey! At least he finally acknowledged that there WAS a scandal, eh? Too little, too late, too bad.

26. Alvaro Fucking Uribe. Yes, El Narco’s still making headlines. No, unfortunately, NOT from the prisoner’s dock at The Hague. Yes, he’s still trying to interfere in Venezuelan politics. And yes, he’s still slagging Chavecito for being a way way way way WAY better man than himself, and his own hand-picked successor for having two civil words to say to him. Yawwwwwwwwwwwwwn. But hey! Colombia’s going to be importing more US-made sex dolls, so all can’t be totally bad under El Narco Numero Dos!

27. The fucking fascist rent-a-cops who knocked a grandfather unconscious for trying to save his grandson from being trampled by a Black Friday crowd. And yes, this happened in another fucking Wal-Mart. And yes, it was also over a fucking video game!

28. Samuel Fucking Mullet. Apparently members of his “breakaway Amish sect” (that’s a CULT, kiddies!) are being charged with chopping the hair (let the mullet jokes begin!) and shaving the beards of regular Amish neighbors. It’s some kind of weird Amish notion of an honor crime, which you’d have to be Amish to understand.

29. Pat Fucking Robertson. One thing NOT to be thankful for this year: Patwa ain’t dead yet.

And finally, the phucking phools who tried tonight to phish me through Phacebook…er, FACEBOOK. You PHAILED.

Goodnight, and get phucked…er, fucked!