News of the Restless

Or in the case of the faildude above, should that be boxer shorts edition? Whatever–here’s this week’s list of people who hung a bit too far out of their pants and frightened Santa’s reindeer. I have just the lumps of coal for YOU, my uglies…

1. Tom Fucking Coburn. With “prayers” like his, who needs satanism? PS: Watch out what you pray for, teabaggers, you just might get it.

2. Ted Fucking Klaudt. No way am I respecting the supposed trademark on the name of this wanker. You rape foster kids, you don’t get to keep your name out of the news, much less force people to pay for the privilege of using it to identify you as a child abuser. Oh, and get this: He was elected in South Dakota on a “family values” campaign. Nice values you got there, Ted!

3. Katherine Fucking Cole. Shit, who cares if Hispanic kids are being born with fatal defects? Why not expand that toxic waste dump? Of course your toxic waste dump is “safe”–for Anglos!

4. The entire fucking Harper SupposiTory gummint. While Afghan prisoners are being tortured–by OUR troops as well as Afghan ones–guess who’s swilling eggnog from the federal trough?

Man, would I ever love just ten minutes alone with Harpo. I’d feed him some ‘nog, all right, but there wouldn’t be any eggs in it. Just milk of magnesia. And castor oil. Ah yes, good ol’ ugh-nog. Just like Great-Grandma used to do when the kids were behaving badly.

5. Lorne Fucking Gunter. Another humanity-hating grinch I’d like to feed ugh-nog to. Only in his case, I’d feed it to him up the back way, if you know what I mean.

6. Tyler Fucking Bridges. Not only does he have trouble spelling Lula’s name, he also has trouble telling who’s a former guerrilla in Latin America, and above all, tying all that into some contorted point or other he’s straining to make. Now we know why the Miami Hairball bounced him. A picture of Tyler’s logic follows…

7. Stephen Fucking Harper. The Fail is strong in this one. And it’s the only thing that is. In all other respects, Little Stevie Blunder is a gormless wimp. And nowhere was that more in evidence than in Copenhagen.

8. Sarah Fucking Palin. To all her other wanks, we can now add a new one, and the most scandalous of all: Abortion cover-up FAIL! No wonder she’s scared shitless of bloggers. They have a funny way of ferreting out just what she does not want found.

9. Mike Fucking Francis. Harnessing Santa to the “War on Christmas” and “let’s kill Hugo Chávez” memes? I don’t care if it was done in jest, it’s still a wank from where I sit. Colombia and the US are the aggressors against Venezuela, and that’s no laughing matter. And only a dipshit would try to make it out to be funny.

10. Bart Fucking Stupak. His name lends itself to “stupid” plays so well, does it not? Well, here’s something else it will soon lend itself to: Being equated with that of Benedict Arnold.

11. The Fucking US Treasury Department. Do you seriously think a blank cheque to Fannie and Freddie is such a good idea when it’s the people being foreclosed upon who are hurting the most, need the money more, and are asking for much, much less? Somebody in Washington does. That somebody, whoever he is, needs a whole sack of coals–dumped over top of him till he smothers.

12. Whoever the fuck is responsible for putting this dude on a terrorist watch list–and then not watching him closely enough, much less preventing him from flying. Way to defeat the purpose, ya fuckin’ wankers.

13. Monica Fucking Crowley. Whine, whine, WHINE. First this dumb blonde and all her fellow FUX Snoozers pump the biggest Miserable Failure EVER, and now they complain about the guy who’s tasked with cleaning up after him–and Katie Couric (who is hardly a liberal, by any but the loosest definition) for accurately pegging the teabaggers as rude, whiny, whipped-up louts? Where the hell were they when the same uncivil crowd was calling every leftist a terrorist? Oh yeah, I forgot…they were kneeling in front of Dubya’s open fly, doing for him what the other Monica, the not-so-dumb brunette, did for Dubya’s predecessor. And whipping up the rude, whiny louts. AND calling every leftist a terrorist.

And finally, to the Wankin’ Yank of Bremen, IP # 92.228.147.32. I don’t know what possessed him to jerk off on not one, but two of my entries. And on Christmas Day, yet. Maybe Wanker #13 inspired him. Or maybe he thinks he has to do his part in the Fictitious War On Christmas, and that wanking over strangers’ blogs is it. But it’s clear from the splooge that this one’s a racist, an anti-intellectual, a polluter, a teabagger and a moron (did I just repeat myself? I think I did. Oh well.)

I also don’t know what the hell he’s doing in my ancestral country, and in the fair Hansastadt (although I have a fair idea of what he does there in his spare time–something involving lots of beer, trenchcoats, parks and little kids, no doubt.) He’s exactly the kind of Scheiß-Ami my German homefolks deeply despise, and one of these nights, on his way back from the beer hall, he j
ust might get his ass deservedly kicked by the Town Musicians. But just in case they don’t come through, here’s his male-supremacist e-mail–as you can see, he’s all talk and a small cock.

Good night, John Boy–and get fucked.