The rich kid nobody likes

Tucker Carlson’s bowtie needs loosening; it’s cutting off circulation to what little brain he has. Here’s a droplet from his latest snot-blower:

Here’s the problem with telling Canada to stop criticizing the United States: It only eggs them on. Canada is essentially a stalker, stalking the United States, right? Canada has little pictures of us in its bedroom, right? Canada spends all of its time thinking about the United States, obsessing over the United States. It’s unrequited love between Canada and the United States. We, meanwhile, don’t even know Canada’s name. We pay no attention at all…Canada is a sweet country. It’s like your retarded cousin you see at Thanksgiving and sort of pat him on the head. You know, he’s nice, but you don’t take him seriously. That’s Canada.


Okay, maybe it’s not nice to make fun of retarded people, but that doesn’t mean I’m going to go easy on Bowtie Boy. He may be a mental defective, but that doesn’t mean he doesn’t know right from wrong, or that he doesn’t know how to exploit his connections. Even if he does keep losing his job on account of…you guessed it…no one taking him seriously.

But I have to admit I find something disturbing about Bowtie Boy, for all that he IS entertaining in a bluntly stupid sort of way: his stalkerish tendency to single out Canada for abuse, which we can only assume is his own perversely twisted form of unrequited love. (We’ll leave out Hillary Clinton for the time being; she’s a whole ‘nother kettle of fish.) Gawd, it reminds me of high school, when I found out that a class bully who made my life hell on an almost daily basis had told someone else that he had the hots for me–trusting that word wouldn’t get back!

Well, word DID get back. And I was shocked. And creeped out, because this guy, by being such an asshole, had spoiled any chance he might have had with me. (Take a lesson from this, guys: If you like someone, you had better act appropriately. Be nice to her. Just ask her out, already. The worst she could say is no, and there’s no way of making her like you back, but at least you won’t make her hate your fucking guts. Is that so hard?)

Anyhow, Tucker Carlson reminds me of that guy. He doesn’t look like him, but he has the same attitude that I hated so much in my high-school tormentor: arrogant, entitled, can’t feel big unless he’s tearing someone else down. Even the girl he secretly yearns for isn’t exempt from that obnoxious snottiness. You know the type. Michael J. Fox played a guy just like that on Family Ties, back in the day, but with a difference: Fox’s Alex P. Keaton always learned from his mistakes and came down a peg in the end. That was what made Alex likeable in spite of his obvious faults. Without that crucial dose of humility, he’d only be the rich kid nobody likes.

Unfortunately, Tucker’s no Alex Keaton. Unlike Alex, Tucker never seems to have gotten past high school in terms of personality. And even this former show guest can’t help him there! The growth factor that made Alex so wonderfully human is missing from him. It’s clear that no one has ever told him no, you may not have that; no, the world doesn’t work that way; no, sulking and pouting won’t change anything. No one ever told Tucker no, and that is the problem. It would do him good to hear it for a change.

So, Tucker, let this nice Canadian lady be the first one to tell you NO. No, you may not divert water from our Great Lakes. You must learn to manage your own water better, and that’s all there is to it. No, you may not take all our oil. It’s OURS, not yours, and we’ll do with it as we see fit. You will have to learn to make do with less oil, in a more sustainable manner. No, you may not push us around. We push back, and we push back HARD. Remember the War of 1812? Canada does, because we won that war.

We may be sweet, but we’re not made of maple syrup. It would behoove you to remember that we burned the White House to the ground, and we’re the only country in the world that ever did that. We’re also the ones who won Britain’s most crucial battles in both world wars, where we were in up to the eyeballs long before the Yanks got off their duffs.

No one has anything on us for being able to push back. But we won’t push anyone who hasn’t pushed us first. There’s a reason Canada is so loved and respected around the world: WE EARNED IT. We are nobody’s retarded cousin.

Oh, and we’re not poor, either. Poor countries don’t get into the G8.

Now Tucker, go blow your nose and learn some manners. Otherwise, you and your country will be left pining away for what might have been–with no water, no oil, and most painfully of all, NO FRIENDS.

And all your money won’t buy you any new ones.

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