Would all of the following people just please FUCK OFF?

1. and 2. Sarah Fucking Palin and Joe the Fucking Plumber. Both of you–scram. Your 15 minutes are over, and your country doesn’t need you. If you really want to save it, just shut the fuck up and go the hell away. Do NOT run for president, do NOT pass Go, do NOT collect $200. Just get lost, preferably in a thawing muskeg bog.

3. Osmel Fucking Sousa. Considering that your ideal woman is a cartoon, who the hell are you, a wrinkled old man, to tell lovely young women that they aren’t lovely enough? Oh, that’s right–you’re the beauty pageant king of Venezuela, that country whose many exportable commodities happen to include (surgically enhanced) female flesh. And of course, victory in beauty pageants is a prerequisite to female success, or at least in getting an oil tanker named after oneself. Because heaven knows, our gender has nothing to offer other than looks, and even those are not good enough. I hereby cordially invite you to drink yourself to death on cheap Scotch in an atmosphere of plush, salmon-pink irrelevance.

4. Dennis Fucking Miller. Yes, we know you’re a washed-up, unfunny has-been. Why do you keep insisting on reminding us? Even in your glorified-fratboy salad days, you weren’t all that, Ms. Thing. Jumping on the “9/11–Never Forget!!!eleven!!!” bandwagon won’t give you talent. So please, Dennis…just go away, go away, go away.

5. George Fucking Dubya Bush. Yes, I know we have to wait until January. But the world is weary, and January is a long way off. And nobody misunderstimates the damage you and your executive orders can do in the meantime. Or the pardons you can hand out to all your felonious friends. Or all the embarrassing photos you can appear in. So, Dubya…go choke on a pretzel. Go crash a million-dollar fighter training jet. Go get terminal road rash. Or whatever. Just GO, already.

6. Gonzalo Fucking Sanchez de Fucking Lozada. Why the double “Fucking”? Because that’s what Bolivia got from you, you big gringo corruptocrat-with-a-bad-accent. So go do it to yourself for a change, preferably in two orifices…and if that ain’t enough, Goni, I’ll rip you a new one and lend you a broomstick.

7. And that goes double for your lawyer, Greg Fucking Craig. I do NOT want to see that scummy shyster advising Barack Obama on what kind of relations he is to have with the future White House dog, never mind Bolivia.

8. and 9. and 10. Speaking of advisors, I strongly advise the future President Obama to get rid of Austan Fucking Goolsbee, Jason Fucking Furman, and Kenneth Fucking Griffin. Financial “advice” such as theirs is the last thing he needs if he is to get his country out of an economic crisis created by neoliberals and neo-cons promiscuously swapping saliva with one another. (They can all do that in prison, when they’re not squabbling over the dropped soap.)

11. Alvaro Fucking Uribe. Has Colombia not suffered enough for the past 50-odd years? Does this crooked little tyrant really need a third term? Does the world really want to see how much more crack and yuppie nose-powder one country is capable of producing, at the cost of another couple thousand murders and now, investor riots? Or will the man on whose watch it all took place just please fuck off?

12. Felipe Fucking Calderón. All the drug-war grandiosity notwithstanding, we know he stole the Mexican election. And we know with whose help he did it. We even know why. But all of that might makes nothing right, because a criminal cannot restore law and order in a country that has never truly known it. Fuck off, Felipe, and let AMLO finally take his rightful place–cleaning up the Augean Stable you seem hellbent on leaving behind.

13. Alan Fucking Garcia. Under his lardy gut, Peru is so fucked. And sadly, the Peruvians know it and can’t do shit about it. In a mountainous land of geologic instability and frequent earthquakes, one can hardly be blamed for wishing the Earth would open up and swallow him. Could it do that, please?

14. Angela Fucking Merkel. Why? Because. And where does she get off criticizing Chavecito, considering who she pals around with? Lie down with dogs, get up with fleas, Angela…now go lie someplace other than the Bundestag. You’re an embarrassment to German women all over the world, including me.

15. Nicolas Fucking Sarkozy. For singlehandedly turning France uncouth. Casse-toi, pauvre con.

16. Stephen Fucking Harper. For reasons too numerous to enumerate here at this unholy hour.

And finally,

17. Anyone who objects to my use of the fuck-word here. Who asked you? Fuck off.

And to the rest of you, a very pleasant good night.