Wankers of the Week: Día de los Pendejos


Crappy weekend, everyone! And a happy Day of the Dead to all who celebrate. This week, there’s much to celebrate, and some of it is actually dead: the creepy marriage of dubious convenience formerly known as Dourtney, for one thing. And for another, an awful lot of brain cells. And if you need someone to blame, look no further than the following, in no particular order:

1, 2 and 3. William Fucking Filene, Caitlin Fucking Cimeno, and Greg Fucking Cimeno. Because what could be cooler than putting on blackface and dressing up as a racist vigilante murder scene, with a little racist idiotess in between, for racist dumbfuck Halloween? And now the whole world knows what turds the three of you are. Be proud of your whiteness, kids. (And next year, just go as ghosts. They’re white, too.)

4. Herman Fucking Rowland, Sr. Good thing I’m not a big fan of jellybeans, because it looks like Jelly Belly is the brand not to buy. Unless, of course, you support discrimination against gender-variant people. Or you oppose the rights of trans kids to have a little privacy from the pants police when they go to the loo.

5. Chris Fucking Brown. Again with the assaulting-someone thing. Well, at least this time it was another man. I guess that’s progress…of a sort. PS: Or maybe not. He thought the other guy was gay, and that’s why he beat the shit out of him. Abusers are bigots. What a shock!

6. Dylan Fucking Grall. From the “How Fucking Dumb Do You Have To Be?” Files: I guess in ‘Murica, any language not English must qualify as “Spanish”. Even Hebrew.


7. Julianne Fucking Hough. Orangeface is the new blackface? Ugh. That shit’s still racist even if it DOES look like a mere self-tanner overdose. How hard is it to put some thought into your Halloween get-up before you put the damn thing on?

8. Matthew Fucking Papay. Excuse me, but that Confederate flag is not a civil right, it’s an ensign of slavery and treason. And the society it reflects is one in which civil rights for blacks were nonexistent, and one in which they are badly eroded in the present. But nice try at framing it as a free-speech issue, even when it’s clearly the opposite. And if you really think you can get away with that in New York, you forget who clobbered whom in the Civil War.

9. Céline Fucking Dion. Guess who supports the weirdly selective and strangely hypocritical Québec “Charter of Values”? Yup, THIS woman. Who, it bears remembering, renewed her wedding vows in Vegas a few years ago in an “Arabian Nights” themed ceremony. Yet there she is, prattling on about the need for foreigners (read: MUSLIMS) to “adapt” to Québec’s dress code and “not change our laws”, even though the only ones changing Québec’s laws are…les québécois themselves, to make them even more xenophobic than they already are. Zut alors!

10. Paul Fucking Elam. Never mind that feminists are not baby-dumpers, and in fact have gone out of their way for decades to make sure that unwanted children don’t even get conceived, never mind born (and dumped). Or that we have nothing against adoption, either, as long as it’s not coercive. No, the founding fuckhead of A Voice for Misogyny is convinced that we need to be TOLD. And again, it’s a “Don’t Be That Girl” campaign, to match the pro-rape campaign that AVFMisogyny has sponsored in the recent past. How fucking original! Meanwhile, as usual, not a word about all the menz out there abandoning pregnant wives, girlfriends, and their own kids in the name of “Men’s Rights”. Things that make you go hmmmmm…. PS: You mad, bro? You look mad. Ha, ha.


11. Max Fucking Moore-Wilton. So, stupid morning-zoo radio pranks that lead to suicides are just “shit” that “happens”. How are you still in the radio business? This asinine attitude encapsulates everything that’s wrong with the world.

12. Suzanne Fucking Somers. Obamacare is evil because COMMUNISM! And CANADA! And ooga-booga-booga-booga-ooga! Yeah, we up here in the Great North are shaking in our collective boots because Chrissie Snow fucking hates us. What did we ever do to her? And what did we do to deserve such an incoherent tirade? Too bad it all came out making sense only to Chrissie. Somewhere, Jack and Janet are scratching their heads. As for the actual situation: Up here, nobody lies bedridden for two months just waiting for a family physician; if it’s that bad, you go to emergency and get treated there. If you can’t get there yourself, you get an ambulance to take you. And if you need a regular doc and you’re not having a health emergency, the thing to do is contact your district health unit and ask who’s accepting new patients. That’s what I did, several years ago. Surprise! Even without a fancy private plan, I got me a doctor. Damn us Canucks, our “socialized” medicine, and our stubborn reliance on facts rather than high-priced hogwash. We must really freak her the fuck OUT.

13. Yaakov Aryeh Fucking Alter. Soybeans turn you gay? Um, no. Neither are they sexually stimulating, even for women. The worst thing that can happen to a guy who eats too many of them is that he could actually grow boobs. However, a mildly feminized appearance does not a change of sexual orientations make. Learn a little science before you try to use it in the interests of religious sexual repression.


14. Rand Fucking Paul. Which is dumber, his fear of eugenics, or his blatant plagiarism of the collectively-produced Wikipedia? And which is, in any case, a greater ironic indictment of his social-darwinist Objectivism?

15. Jim Fucking Wheeler. I doubt very much that he would bring back slavery simply because “voters asked for it”. Voters would NEVER ask for it, because no one could be that fucking stupid. More likely, he’d bring it back because he and his fellow teabags WANT it. More moneyz for them, duh…same motive as ever there was for slavery.

16. Tom Fucking DeLay. You may be back, but God doesn’t send corruptos on missions. Fuck off back under your rock, already.

17. David Fucking Spondike. Sorry, but use of words like nigger and ghetto does indeed mean that you have something against black people. And if you don’t understand that words mean things, especially in an insulting or separatist context, then you have no business teaching high school in a racially mixed district. Or any other school, for that matter. PS: Non-apology not acceptable. Again, words mean things. Doubling down on your shit does not an apology make.

18. Tom Fucking Coburn. Why?


That’s why. Go back to Oklahoma, you bastard. And may a tornado suck you up and spit you out somewhere over the Gulf of Mexico.

19. Ted Fucking Cruz. If “Stand Your Ground” were of any benefit to blacks, Florida would not have such a law. And Marissa Alexander wouldn’t have gone to jail, either. But really, the worst part is the insult to Trayvon Martin…unarmed, innocent, and killed by a racist who availed himself of that atrocious law as his defence. That is just inexcusable.

20. Pat Fucking McCrory. Smooth move, Ex-Lax. You picked on a 12-year-old girl. Who, I’m sure, will have forgotten all about your efforts to disenfranchise young first-time voters, as well as your insult, by the time she’s old enough to kick your ass out of office. (Yes, that’s sarcasm.)

21. Bryan Fucking Fischer. As the old joke goes: When did you decide to be straight? If it’s a choice, when did you make it? And why did you choose not to be gay? (Punchline: When he was born a dickweed, natch.)

22. Adele Fucking Allen. Giving birth unassisted is NEVER a good idea. And leaving the placenta, which dies off once expelled from the uterus, attached for six days? Could have resulted in a fatal case of blood poisoning. Also, what do chimps do when giving birth in the wild? They bite the umbilical cord in two, and eat the placenta, because they are nomads. They don’t have the luxury of leaving their kids lying there in a mass of decomposing bloody goop for predators to find. In other words, everything about that “lotus birth” article is Teh Stoopid. But what does one expect from someone who also falls for antivaxxer quackery? Lady, you’re just lucky your son survived your unscientific irresponsibility.


23. Diana Fucking Davison. Misogynist women exist. And what do they have that the rest of us don’t? Fart jokes, fat shaming, and a blithe idiocy when it comes to rape. Oh, and they also have Paul Fucking “Crazy Eyes” Elam. Congrats, lady, you just won the booby prize.

24. Rob Fucking Ford. Affordable housing on the rich-bitch waterfront? Anathema maranatha! And besides, Robbo’s counting on kickbacks from all the rich developers. How dare all you plebeian proles stand in the way of a big fat corrupto?Heresy! PS: Nice try, “Ian”. Did you honestly think no one would know it was you drunk-dialing? PPS: BUMBLEFUCK! Ahahahahahahaha.

25. Gavin Fucking McInnes, again. Having kids turned him from a reasonable, modern person into a total fucking troll. Moral of the story? If you’re easily swayed by religiofascist hipster bullshit, you shouldn’t have kids.

26. Jim Fucking Hochberg. Again with the “same-sex marriage will lead to bestiality!” canard. To use his own words, “It’s getting ridiculous!”


27. Jeff Fucking Goldstein. Keeping up the fight for civil rights (which are under threat of rollback in a number of states) is a “cottage race industry”? Only to an idiotic white racist with strange ideas of what “freedom” means. Pro tip, Jeffy: If you want to be a “sovereign citizen”, you’re in the wrong place. Go claim yourself a desert island in the middle of the ocean and see how long your sorry ass lasts.

28. George Fucking Zimmerman. Not a week goes by that he doesn’t wank, and sure enough, he’s done it again. This time, it’s a bullet-riddled paper target that was strategically left behind in the former family abode for his estranged wife (soon to be ex) to find. Whatever could it mean???

29. John Fucking Stossel. Again with the idea that women should pay more for health insurance, because we’re apparently hypochondriacs. Gee, that’s even worse than “because they have boobs”. I propose a very expensive mustache waxing for him. Then we’ll see who’s the hypochondriac.

30. Marsha Fucking Blackburn. I wasn’t aware that cheap shoes were a right; I always figured they were a very profitable way for some shitty corporation or other to make people’s feet hurt. And she doesn’t want to see that taken away? Bravo for her. Now you all know where to throw your quickly-worn-out cheap ‘n’ crappy shoes, eh?


31. Ray Fucking Comfort. Actually, school shootings aren’t even in the bible, so it’s kind of hard to say that they confirm the rightness of that out-of-date book of bad fiction. As for people being born evil, that’s not true either; they all have to learn it from someplace. And I have a sneaking suspicion that this evildoer got it from his crappily written, out-of-date book of bad fiction.

32 and 33. Rick Fucking Wiles and Joe Fucking Schimmel. Guys, why can’t you just be like everybody else and say that Miley Fucking Cyrus and Robin Fucking Thicke just plain suck? I know they’re talentless and awful, and that their sexed-up performances are stomach-churning, but the whole satanic theory is stretched thinner than that process-cheese bikini she wore to that “award” ceremony where she paid homage to Pedobear.

34. Dale Bryant Fucking Farris. Kids toilet-papering a house — even yours, which it was not — is no grounds for blasting ’em with a shotgun. Unless, of course, you’re an ignorant fucking redneck, in which case it’s standard procedure.

35. Robin Fucking Thicke. Sued by Marvin Gaye’s family for a bad plagiarism job? Sucks to be you, dude. PS: Ha, ha. Wattles!


36. Ted Fucking Nugent. Stop pissing on Rosa Parks’s grave, you disgusting pants-shitter. Anyone as racist as you has no business claiming a black woman to be your “inspiration”.

37. Orson Scott Fucking Card. Sorry, dude, but homophobes don’t get to claim that they are being religiously persecuted. The truth is, your bigotry is well known, and all the “ideas” on which it is based were debunked years ago. You don’t have a leg to stand on. Now STFU!

38. Ann Fucking Coulter. Ah, clearly the Coultergeist has no concept of the difference between making a joke and being one. Remember, people, this is the woman who seriously believes her own crazy shit. She’s just backpedalling on all the “Kenya” crap because she’s finally getting called on it.

39. Geraldo Fucking Rivera. So, stop-and-frisk is being done to “protect” blacks and Latinos? Well, let’s see how “protected” ol’ Gerry Rivers feels on the day the New York police pull him over and start feeling him up, then.


40. Tom Fucking Cowan. Well, now you get to realize your fantasy of leaving your family for the privilege of boinking a “glamour” model — your wife has made certain of that. The question is, will the model in question take you up on it? Oh, ha-ha, what am I saying? Of COURSE not. As long as there are soccer stars and rugby players just floating around with their cocks out, why would she?

41. Justin Fucking Bieber. Oh no, you don’t, you little motherfucker. #5 belongs in jail. And so do you, for defacing a wall in a foreign country. PS: OFFS, who the fuck are you trying to kid? Your voice hasn’t changed yet. Get outta there!

42. Greg Fucking Abbott. How does it feel to be almost disenfranchised by a law you signed on for? Stupid, I hope. Just like that law itself. Texas, how much longer do you plan on sucking so hard?

43. Brandon Fucking Carter. A police badge is not a licence for getting women to show you their boobs in the workplace. And neither is a Taser.


44. Janice Fucking Rogers Fucking Brown. Why the double Fucking? Because that’s how cruel it is for a woman to put other women at their employers’ mercy when it comes to birth control coverage. But then again, I guess she doesn’t have to worry about a little old thing like that. She probably makes so much that she’d never miss the cash out of pocket.

45. Ruben Fucking Santiago. Threatening to arrest someone just for being (understandably) incensed about a pot bust taking precedence over shootings? Something tells me this one won’t be an interim police chief for much longer.

46. Pamela Fucking Wallin. What? All that bluster and pomposity and innocence-protesting, and you’re STILL guilty as a fuck? Oh, Pammy. There goes that good image you spent all those decades crafting like an overly earnest piece of macramé. Ha, ha.

47. Suzanne Fucking McCarley. Again with the “women are privileged because men are protecting them” racket. And the “women should be grateful because men built all this crap we live in” racket. Lemme guess: Your favorite author is Camille Fucking Paglia, with her stupid, sexist “grass huts” theory? That noise is so fucking OLD. If you’re going to invent bullshit oppressions, how about inventing a new bullshit theory to underpin them, too?


48. Stephen Fucking Harper. Again with the “senate reform” racket. Remember, the last time Harpo pulled this shit, he was actually talking of ABOLISHING the senate. That is, before he got into power and packed it with cronies who would go on to embarrass him nine ways till Friday.

49. Bernie Fucking Kerik. Oh look, another “Road to Damascus” moment, fresh outta jail! Just like the one Lord Blah-Blah had when HE was incarcerated in Florida. Yeah, there are way too many young (and mostly non-white) guys in the clinker for drug possession. Fucking DUH! Thing is, he could have known that a long, LONG time ago, if he’d only been paying attention. After all, as a former police commissioner for New York City, it was kind of his JOB to know about things like that.

50. Chad Fucking Coughenour. So nice to see that your hooded sheet also doubles as a Halloween costume! And look! You can even wear it with a sombrero, to become a complete fantasy creature…the MexiKKKlan! Ay, qué bolas.


And finally, to all the fucking “Ford Nation” apologists out there. Unbelievably, they actually do still exist, and they’ve even started a pathetic little Facebook group in an attempt to save Dear Mayor’s jowly red vein-popping face (or cover his wobbly red vein-popping ass; same difference). The problem is, in an effort to repair Robbo’s (rightfully) tattered image, they’ve totally made asses of themselves. I have just one question for all of those who still support this fucking buffoon: WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU SUBURBAN REDNECK DUMBSHITS SMOKING???

Good night, and get fucked!

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