News of the Restless

Crappy weekend, everyone! And welcome to the Wankolympiad. Blame the summer, blame the heat, blame it on Rio (and that fart-smelly green diving pool), blame whatever, but the silly season is now upon us. And yes, it’s replete with wankers. And this week they are, in no particular order…

1. Melania Fucking Drumpf. Yes, folks, she made the cut again this week…and this time, for something naughty she did a long, long time ago. Namely, being the proud (or not so proud, by the looks of it) owner of a green card, onaccounta she was married…to someone other than Der Drumpf Himself. Yes, that’s right, he is apparently the Other Man! And since we have no record of what happened to her previous husband, it looks like the trophy wife…is in fact a trophy BIGAMIST. Either that, or she’s a very stealthy trophy divorcée. How ‘bout them apples?

2. Mitch Fucking McConnell. So, let me see if I got this straight: Bitchy Mitchy says the proudest moment of his career…is telling the POTUS he’s not going to do his damn job? Priorities: he no haz them.

3. Sean Fucking Hannity. The truth hurts, doesn’t it, Baby Jesus? Here, show me on the dolly where the bad man hurt you. Ha, ha.

4. Marco Fucking Rubio. No abortions for pregnant women infected with Zika? Well, then. There are going to be an awful lot of babies born with microcephaly, thanks to this one fucking pinhead. Who, BTW, also opposes abortion for cases of rape and incest. Yes, that’s right: violence, assault and inbreeding are considered acceptable beginnings to “life”, according to him.

5. Martin Fucking Shkreli. Yes, Pharma Bro is back. And this time, without any medical training, he managed to diagnose Hillary Clinton with Parkinson’s Disease! You can really see where he got that medical acumen that enabled him to overcharge for meds that ought to be dirt cheap, eh?

6. Megyn Fucking Kelly. Shorter: Who cares if #1 is an illegal immigrant after all? She’s white! They’re different! They’re BETTER!

7. Michael Fucking Morell. Kill the Russkies! Kill the Iranians! Support the Syrian terror militias! KILL KILL KILL KILL! Gosh, aren’t you glad he’s backing Hillary Clinton, and not that orange buffoon?

8. George Fucking Baker. No, of course the N-word isn’t a profanity. It’s a racist slur! That makes it all okay, okay? No. NOT okay. Town council members owe it to ALL members of their town to serve them without bias or prejudice, you fucking paleozoic nimnul!

9. Martin Fucking Betancourt. Why?

There’s been a lot of sexism in this current Olympiad, but mansplaining cycling to a world-class cyclist who had a nasty wipeout on a dangerous turn? Yeah. That takes the gold biscuit.

10. Louis Fucking Brouillard. How many times does it have to be said? NO, victims of priestly sexual molestation do NOT enjoy what’s being done to them. And NO, you are NOT “paying for it” by saying a few Hail Marys and finally being challenged in court over it. You got away with it for seven whole fucking decades, after all.

11. Leon Fucking Archer. So, gay couples shouldn’t get married because Jesus, but sending nude selfies to a much younger woman somehow doesn’t fail the religious test? Pretty sure Jesus doesn’t approve of sexual harassment, Yeronner.

12. Donald Fucking Drumpf. He’s losing big-time, so what’s his new winning strategy? Yeah…stochastic terrorism. Which went over exactly as you’d expect with the Secret Service. This electoral shitshow just keeps on getting shittier. PS: And BOOM. Patti Davis nails his shrivelled old gonads to the wall. Good on her! PPS: Hey asshole, everybody “gets sarcasm” just fine. But it seems that you don’t get the whole concept of watching your damn mouth, and that’s not good…in business OR in politics.

13. Kayleigh Fucking McEnany. Nice try at spinning your boss there, dumbass. But the NRA has NO power to stop the appointment of any SCOTUS justices, guns or no guns. And if they tried, they’d become a terrorist organization in a heartbeat. PS: And nice try at spinning the Confederacy’s slavery, too. You do realize it was their whole and sole reason for seceding, do you not?

14. Katrina Fucking Pierson. And once more, with feeling: No, stupid, that’s not how it goes. Would you like to try again?

15. Joe Fucking Scarborough. Don’t everyone start applauding him yet for telling Der Drumpf to drop out of the race. He also thinks that opinions from the other side of the political panel don’t count for anything, which makes him not much better than you-know-who.

16. Tomi Fucking Lahren. Wow, girl. You are the whitest damn piece of shit I ever saw. How did you get that way? By bleaching in the hot sun? That would, no doubt, explain your fried brain…

17. Jenna Fucking Bush. Yeah, that flagbearer guy from Tonga was hot. And Dubya’s daughter was thirsty. But can you imagine what people would say if it were Malia Obama doing that?

18. Debbie Fucking Wasserman Fucking Schultz. Why the double Fucking? Because that’s how much chutzpah it takes to (a) rig the Democratic primaries in favor of your girl Clinton, and (b) turn around and blame the Sanders camp for calling a spade a fucking shovel, already. Oh, and (c) claim the primary was “neutral”, too!

19. Bob Fucking Beckel. Ahem: If you don’t like it when your political rivals say it about your girl, DON’T FUCKING SAY IT ABOUT ANYONE ELSE. What part of “don’t call for an assassination” is so hard for you Murican idiots to understand?

20. Larry Fucking Long. You can tell a lot about someone by the way they treat their friends…and damn! Giving a black friend a KKK hooded sheet, as a “joke”? That black guy is not gonna be your friend for much longer.

21. Earl Fucking Phillip. Does the Drumpf campaign ever vet anyone who works for it? Apparently not, because here’s one of their “Second Amendment folks” — a screaming gun nut who threatens people on his own team. Brilliant choice, Donnie!

22. Mathieu Fucking Chantelois. Oh surprise! The corporatist who headed Pride TO is out…no, not of the closet, but of that job. And back to working for his original corporate overlords, whose ass he was only too happy to kiss while in office. And guess why he’s out. No, really. Guess! If you guessed racism, sexism, transphobia, nepotism, lying, and/or general assholery, pat yourself on the back. Only a pity he couldn’t have left BEFORE the whole kerfuffle with Black Lives Matter, eh?

23. Jason Fucking Lewis. He’s unelectable, a racist, a sexist and an LGBT-phobe, and even his own party hates him. So how’d he get nominated? I don’t know, but I’m forced to conclude that if there’s an R after your name, you’re deficient in the brain. Nothing else CAN explain it.

24. Ryan Fucking Lewis. No relation to the previous wanker, unless you’re talking political soulmates. This big macho, who thinks Florida Man needs some competition from California Man in the Dipshit Olympics, decided that the kewl thing to do would be to cut off a cyclist on the road, and then start raging at him with homophobic slurs and Drumpfian threats. And give all California surfers a boneheaded bad reputation in the process.

25. Byron Fucking MacDonald. Who the hell says that a 14-year-old swimmer “died like a pig”? Oh, just a 66-year-old former swimmer who apparently forgot what it was like to be so young and to have such a good start, only to end up losing a race. And an insensitive male white chauvinist PIG. I heard him say that as it was happening, and couldn’t believe my ears. And just when I thought CBC was doing so much better with its Olympic coverage than all those OTHER sexist media…

26. Patrick Fucking Butler. Oh joy, another judge who’d rather spare an entitled, white, college-boy rapist for idiotic reasons. Even though both the victim and the prosecutor were asking him to treat this one as mercifully as he treated her (i.e., not at all). Justice? What a joke. What a dirty, DIRTY joke.

27. Sarah Jessica Fucking Parker. Not a feminist because you believe in “equality”? Well, guess what, honey: You might as well have said you believe in the Tooth Fairy, because this “equality” you believe in doesn’t exist, and without feminism (and all of society being on board with it), it never will. But hey! On the bright side, we shouldn’t be hearing any more menzers squawking about how the atrociously sexist Sex and the City was a “feminist” show. A glorified designer shoe ad is all it ever was.

28. Mike Fucking Pence. Why are kids learning sex-ed in schools? So they won’t grow up to be far-right dumbasses like Mike, who believes that condoms are too modern and don’t work. Now where did he learn that? Bog only knows. Clearly not from a proper textbook written by anyone with a working set of grey matter. And just think, people…this is Der Drumpf’s running mate. If you’re not scared yet, you damn well ought to be, because this kind of “education” leads straight to raging STD epidemics and teen pregnancies galore.

29. Philip Fucking Davies. Meanwhile, across the pond, some wanker is on about men’s rights, again. How do we know he’s a wanker? Because who else talks like that…or wears a haircut that looks like Hitler had a run-in with a weed-whacker? And on that note: Phil, old son, you’ll never impress the ladies looking like that. Or TALKING like a fucking bellend, either.

30. Phil Fucking Robertson. OH NOES EVIL SECULARISM! Uh, bozo, the Founding Fathers themselves are behind it. If you don’t like democracy and would rather live in a theocratic dictatorship, don’t bother voting OR running…just go live in Saudi Arabia. And take Pat Fucking Buchanan with you, while you’re at it.

And finally, to Nico Fucking Hines. Forget journalistic ethics. When you’re looking for a lurid story on horny Olympians lookin’ for (temporary) love and whatnot, the best way to do it is to make a profile on a gay dating app (when you’re married, with children, and NOT gay yourself), pretend to be looking for dates…and then post revealing details of the athletes you trolled on the Daily Beast. Whose editors also deserve a dressing-down for not killing this skanky piece, or at least editing it before it ran to protect the closeted (who, some of them, come from countries where being gay is punishable by law, or even death). The after-the-fact hasty edit (and cheap apology) they did is not good enough. The article is now down, but the damage is done. Shame on all of them.

Good night, and get fucked!

Crappy weekend, everyone! And what a long, strange week it’s been. We found out that Der Drumpf has indeed made sacrifices, although I suspect they’re of the burnt-human-offering type, and don’t involve himself or any of his kids. At least, that’s what I interpret that smell of scorched flesh in my nostrils as being. But hey! It could also have come from all these red asses, in no particular order:

1. Karlie Fucking Hay. Oh look, there’s Der Drumpf’s NEXT trophy wife, already getting plenty of practice…both in wearing rhinestone tiaras AND spouting gratuitous racism as a teen beauty queen. I can just hear his Viagra-assisted boner rising from here. Ugh!

2. Roger Fucking Stone. Meanwhile, one of the Bush Crime Family’s old dirty crapaganda tricksters has cropped up again…this time in the service of Der Drumpf, smearing the father of a fallen Muslim soldier as a member of the Muslim Brotherhood. And doing it with the help of those always-reliable and oh-so-believable apostates, the Shoebats. Lovely!

3. Robbie Fucking Picard. What better way to drum up support for our never-popular TAR sands than by relying on “lesbian” pornography (aimed at dumb young straight dudes)…and claiming it somehow promotes “equality”? Dude, I’m pretty sure that actual gay ladies have no use for any of this shit. Fuck off with that, and take your buddy Ezra LePutz with you.

4. Sonia Fucking Kruger, AGAIN. Looks like she’s not just blatantly racist, but LGBTphobic, too. And full of “reverse” logic. Remind me again why she’s a public figure, Down Under? Because at this point, I’d sooner hear the opinions of a talking kangaroo.

5. Tim Fucking Kaine. Remind me again why you picked him for your running mate, Hillary? Is this that “compromise” you talked about earlier this year? Because it seems that he’s decided to vote with his church and not women (including yourself) when it comes to funding for a rather basic medical procedure!

6. Michael Fucking Weiner. You’re gonna leave if the next president has a D after their name? Oooooo…is that a promise, Mikey? Because if it is…YOU CAN’T COME TO CANADA!!! And I’m pretty sure Iceland doesn’t want your hateful ass, either. And yes, Angela Merkel DOES wear pantsuits! So whatever you do, don’t go to Germany, either! Just stay in your hole.

7. Don Fucking Yelton. Boo fucking hoo, you got caught in your racism, and your systemic discrimination got popped thanks to the Daily Show. And now you’re throwing a barely literate frizzy on Facebook! Who’s lazy and wants the gummint to give them everything, again?

8. Brad Fucking Trost. No, God didn’t put Conservatives on this Earth to “stop taxes everywhere, forever”. God didn’t put you guys on this earth at all. Your mothers did, and they must all be palming their faces at this very moment to see how goddamn fucking stupid their kids turned out.

9. Katrina Fucking Pierson. That’s right, blame Obama…for a Muslim soldier dying in DUBYA’s fucking war of choice. I mean, it’s not like we didn’t already know you were a fucking idiot, but Jeebus. You and your boss actually managed to make Dubya look smart, and that’s no mean feat. PS: And this isn’t exactly helping you, either.

10. Katie Fucking Hopkins. Newsflash: Transgenderism is NOT a fucking “lifestyle choice”. For that matter, neither is being gay (which I’m guessing is what she’s got it confused with here). What IS a fucking lifestyle choice? Choosing to be an uninformed, bigoted, willfully stupid individual. Like, oh, say, Katie Fucking Hopkins.

11. Scottie Fucking Nell Fucking Hughes. Why the double Fucking? Because that’s how idiotic you’d have to be to insist, with a straight face, that Der Drumpf “sacrificed two marriages because he’s a job creator”. Uh, what jobs did he create? And more to the point: How the hell does one go from cheating on two wives and marrying two mistresses to being some kind of equivalent to a dead soldier?

12. Kayleigh Fucking McEnany. “Change jobs” is not an adequate response to sexual harassment on the job. Unless, of course, you’re telling it to the HARASSER, which this Drumpfite imbecile isn’t.

13. Eric Fucking Drumpf. And once more, with feeling…FUCK YOU, DRUMPFLING!

14. Slavoj Fucking Zizek. I did say he was not a serious socialist, did I not? Well, now we have proof. Transphobe? Don’t even consider asking me to take you seriously, doofus. You are NOT a “distinguished thinker”, you are a twaddling, plagiarizing reactionary. Step away from whatever the hell you think you’re doing there. And please stop vomiting on your keyboard.

15. Paris Fucking Hilton. Relax, sweetie, Daesh doesn’t know who you are, nor do they care. And neither do the rest of us. Back in your shoe closet you go.

16. Pat Fucking Boone. Still alive? WHY???

17. Antonio Fucking Sabato, Jr. No, dopey, you’re not being blacklisted for being a Drumpfite. You’re not being hired because other, younger, more talented actors (who also aren’t complete pieces of shit as actors or people) exist. I mean, just look where you live. It’s Hollywood, and it’s lousy with them!

18. Alex Fucking Jones. No, that crying baby at the Drumpf rally was not a “crisis actor”. It’s a BABY. They can’t act, much less simulate an emergency for first-responder training purposes as actual crisis actors do. They cry when something upsets them, and frankly, Der Drumpf is plenty of reason for any infant to get upset: he’s loud, he’s obnoxious, and he’s ugly as hell. If I were a baby, I’d get colic at the very sight of him, too.

19. Clint Fucking Eastwood. I never liked him, and it’s not hard to see why. The older he gets, the more that inner ugliness and unlikability just leap right out at you. Along with all that racism, sexism and other ugly-old-guy stuff that passes as “political incorrectness”. PS: Ha, ha.

20. Melania Fucking Drumpf. Yes, HER again. And this time, it’s immigration. How DARE an illegal immigrant attack others? Well, I guess it helps to have been a rich man’s mistress and third wife, eh? And he’s a third-generation illegal-American himself, so of course it’s all water under the trollbridge! And anyway, they’re both white and non-Latin, so hey.

21. Sean Fucking Hannity. Awwww, da Baby Jeebus haz a sad! DIDDUMS.

22. Andrew Fucking Anglin. Ladies! Are you single? Then put this on your dating profiles: NO NAZIS. Srsly. Because they’re out recruiting, and they’re also looking for “love” (note the quotes, there for a reason). Here’s hoping they all die childless and alone.

23. Ben Fucking Carson. The Khan family should apologize to Drumpf? For what…helping him make himself look bad? Uh, how about NO?

24. George Fucking Zimmerman. Yes, he actually went there…he bragged about killing Trayvon Martin. And got himself punched out for it. This should happen more often!

25. William Fucking Cox. Your “boys”, you call it, when fellow racist cops get shot? And that’s your excuse for getting drunk and shooting up a church? You have to start thinking up better excuses, deppity.

26. Lawrence Fucking Littman. Because it wouldn’t be a wankapedia without a Florida Man, how about this one? And he’s got a trifecta going, too: he’s a Drumpfite, and he beat up his wife for planning to vote Democratic.

27. Anthony Fucking Silva. Riddle me this: Why would the oh-so-homophobically religious mayor of a California city be recording drunk teenagers playing strip poker with him, in his own bedroom, at a summer camp? If you said “because he’s a wanker and a pervert”, you just won the hand.

28. Bill Fucking Leak. Drunken fathers are the reason Aboriginal Australian kids end up in youth detention centres? No, dopey. That would be the racist Australian legal system…which, incidentally, also drives all those Aboriginal fathers to drink! But of course, as a white beneficiary of said system, this schlop-cartoonist couldn’t be expected to understand that!

29. Carl Fucking Paladino. “No doubt” that Obama is a Muslim? Uh, actually, there’s plenty of doubt that he is one, and none whatsoever that he isn’t! And there’s also no doubt that this wanker is…well, see for yourself. I feel sorry for the good people of Buffalo, let’s just put it that way.

30. Dimitri Fucking Soudas. Nice master’s thesis (on how to manipulate the media!) you got there. A pity that all the googling in the world isn’t going to get your party a sympathetic audience anymore…because online organizing helped bring down you and your boss, Harpo!

And finally, to all the not-so-silent, not-so-majority idiots who actually turn out for Der Drumpf’s increasingly farcical rallies. Between your foul language (no, NOT “politically incorrect”, just plain incorrect— and FOUL) and your ready excuse-making for white illegal immigrants, you people need to shut up and take a hard look at your own hypocrisy. Because you and your idiot candidate are the reason your party’s gonna lose, and lose BIG TIME, in November.

Good night, and get fucked!