News of the Restless

Crappy weekend, everyone! This week’s wankapedia is brought to you by the letter D. D is for Donald, D is for Drumpf — that’s his real surname, and it rhymes with Sumpf, which is the German word for swamp. I’m sure you’ll all agree it’s more than appropriate, therefore, to demand that he change it back, no? I mean, it’s got quite the ring to it, and it alliterates with his first name, too. And best of all, it’ll probably embarrass him even more than having the wind blow his combover askew, or someone from Gawker pointing out for the millionth time what stubby fingers he has. And here’s who else is being unmasked for a Drumpf this week:

1. Jan Fucking Brewer. In a week of shitty people endorsing Der Drumpf, this one is undoubtedly the shittiest. Because there’s never an immigrant this ghastly hag couldn’t demonize, nor a crappy fiction she couldn’t make up about them, it hardly comes as any surprise that she’s endorsing an ugly old man who does the exact same.

2. Bill Fucking Gothard. Oh, so now he’s planning to sue all the women he molested when they were teens? Talk about adding insult to injury. Let’s hope the judge throws this shit-stained piece of hubris the fuck out of his court and makes HIM pay.

3. Cheryl Fucking Tiegs. Anyone who gets their medical info from Dr. Oz may as well be getting it from a manure pile. And anyone who concern-trolls healthy swimsuit models about their weight, just because their dress size is in the double digits, is really a pathetic has-been who should just stop talking, already.

Oh yeah, and this thing the has-been has been doesn’t help, either:

Yeah, that’s right, she was a cigarette ad. Because who needs to be healthy when you’ve got skinny smokes, and matching branded swag to pretend to work out in — right? PS: Ha, ha.

4. Arief Fucking Wismansyah. Ramen noodles make you gay? Huh. And to think I’ve been eating them all this time and I’m still not a lesbian. But I do find gay guys awfully cute. Clearly I’m doing this homosexual thing all wrong.

5. Jeffery Fucking Lord. In what bizarro parallel universe is David Duke a “leftist”? He, like all of the Repugnican party at this point, is a far-right fascist. The only difference between him and them is his tendency to wear his swastika quite openly on his sleeve…when he’s not prancing around in hooded sheets, that is. And this Drumpf spokesmoron is so very, very typical in that he’s too much of a weasel to admit that his own boss is one too, and a hereditary one at that.

6. Ayelet Fucking Shaked. Call the waaaambulance, Israel’s minister of injustice has thrown a tantrum! Why? Because two professors from the Hebrew University told it exactly like it was and called her exactly what she is. Bawwwwww, diddums!

7. Stephen Fucking Crossan. And speaking of Nazis, how about this one? He’s a Catholic priest who was caught on camera, snorting coke in a roomful of Nazi rubbish — oh sorry, memorabilia. I can’t wait to hear the convoluted explanation for how that shit all got to Northern Ireland in the first place, and why anyone would think it a good idea to snort coke amid it.

8. Lutz Fucking Bachmann. And MOAR Nazis! This time in Germany, where it’s actually a crime to be one, for reasons rather understandable. And where PEGIDA, which he co-founded, has been constantly claiming that oh noooo, they have nothing to do with Nazism, no, not they…except, of course, when they do. And in fact are nothing but, although like Wankers 5 and 6, they’re pee-pants cowards about it. If I were one of their supporters, I’d go into hiding for the sheer shame of it all. But these are morons, and they know no shame.

9. Lauren Fucking Southern. And speaking of Nazi morons who know no shame (gosh, this is shaping up to be something of a theme this week, isn’t it?) — how about HER? Yes, that’s right, folks, another “rebel” Libertarian has let her mask slip and shown us the fascist enemy within. Though, truth be told, one doesn’t have to scratch very hard to find ‘em, since I’ve never met a Libertarian yet who didn’t have an awful lot of Little Hitler tendencies just lying out in plain sight. (Or, in this case, bleached-blond Little Magda Göbbels tendencies.)

10. Donald Fucking Drumpf, Jr. Yes, that’s right, there’s a junior. And he’s every bit the bag o’ douche that his old man is. I hope all the black celebrities he’s offering to help deport in the event that the geezer wins (FAT CHANCE!) will do their part, when he loses, to providing one-way airfare for the entire shitty clan to someplace warm and hospitable. Like, oh, say, Snake Island.

11. Bill O’Fucking Reilly. Let us all savor the irony of a man who made a career out of telling others how to raise their kids…got deprived of all custody of his own in a nasty divorce battle. And let’s not forget that he racked up those irony points while wanking with a loofah in the shower and sexually harassing his producer, either. PS: Oh, SNAP, Ted Koppel!

12. David Fucking Barton. Oh, those ungrateful niggruhs, why don’t they thank “us” for freeing them? Maybe because free is what they should have been all along, that whites should never have had the right to own them, and therefore, no thanks should be needed for simply doing the minimum decent thing. Ever think of that?

13. Steve Fucking Ahlers. Why?

That’s why. No word on how an ovarian cyst gets to be visible on a breast x-ray, but there you go. The sheer lack of anatomical awareness alone is why anti-choicers shouldn’t get to make women’s health decisions for them! (Also, Planned Parenthood DOES do mammograms, so Steve-o is full of shit there, too.)

14. Sa’d Fucking Al-Ateeq. With #4, it was delusional Indonesians claiming that noodles make you gay. With #14, it’s delusional Saudis claiming that food porn on Instagram causes cancer. Instagram, insta-noodles, and a whole lotta insta-stoopid.

15. Phyllis Fucking Schlafly. Meanwhile, the Ma Barker of the Amurrican Taliban is still alive and still squawking. And this week’s sermon? Evil furriners and how they’re destroying Amurrican baseball! Hey Phyl, if you’re that hung up on Venezuelans and Cubans and Puerto Ricans and Dominicans playing on US teams, take it up with the crapitalist system that’s making playing prohibitively expensive for everyone, and don’t pick on the foreign players. Or better still, just chill. Because the national origins of talented players are an awfully silly thing to get exercised about at your age. PS: Ewwwwww.

16. George Fucking Pell. It’s hard to imagine how anyone could not be interested in a child sexual abuse scandal on one’s own watch (and it was his JOB to take an interest!), but somehow, he managed it. At this point, I think “sociopath” is entirely too kind a thing to call him.

17 and 18. Tucker Fucking Carlson and Laura Fucking Ingraham. Mitt Romney, a “liberal” for finding the KKK repugnant? Once again, the bare minimum of human decency is getting far too much flak from the far fucking right. But hey, thanks for showing your true racist colors, you two. All in a day’s Nazi work for FUX Snooze, eh?

19. Andrea Fucking Hardie. Women shouldn’t vote, eh? Well, I can kind of agree with that, but only in the case of women like this one. Because any antifeminist woman is clearly too fucking stupid to be trusted near a ballot box anyway.

20. Ted Fucking Cruz. If you thought Der Drumpf was a racist, I have some interesting news for you: He’s not the only one in the running for the candidate of the Former Party of Lincoln.

21. Rafael Fucking Cruz. Dear God, please smite this idiotic geezer with a paralytic stroke so he stops talking stupid ignorant trash about You. That is all.

22. Louis Fucking Farrakhan. Oh lord, look who just chimed in on behalf of Der Drumpf. Yes, it’s he of the Million Man March, that non-event that was supposed to cure racism with sexism. Know who he reminds me of? The so-called “Black Führer of Harlem” from Mother Night. And I’ll bet the irony of his position eludes him just as it did his fictional counterpart.

23. Mike Fucking Caldwell. One can’t help but question the judgment of a judge who thinks it’s okay for priests to fail to report child sexual abuse to the police merely because it was relayed to them in the confession box. Apparently, “If you see something, say something” applies only to brown Muslim-looking people suspected of terrorism, and not to old white guys who molest girls. Then, it becomes “You know nothingk, nothingk…”

24. Jamie Fucking Hall. If a sexist asshole shits on the tweeter, does anyone smell it? In the case of this one’s shitty novel with a shittier epilogue, yeah, we do. Phew! BTW, having female friends and relatives doesn’t absolve you of being a sexist. Or of being called one. And especially an unoriginal and unfunny one, if you’re constantly quoting Bill Fucking Maher. #allthebrainsofafuckingstump PS: Oh, look who erased his Tumblr. What a big man!

25. Debbie Fucking Wasserman Fucking Schultz. Why the double Fucking? Because that’s what she’s dealing the US Democratic Party AND the poor folks who’ll be voting for them. And when you’re THIS crooked, they really ought to call you Snake Ass.

26. Robert Fucking Morrow. Everything’s big in Texas? You betcha. And this guy’s asininity is a major case in point. If he thinks Hillary Clinton is an “angry bull dyke”, he’s obviously never seen a real one…much less an angry one. I, on the other hand, have seen my share of them, and find that upper-class ladies with bobs and pantsuits don’t exactly qualify.

27. John Fucking McAfee. Need more proof that drugs have eaten his brain? Look no further than to how he plans to crack the San Bernardino shooters’ iPhone. It’s kind of hard to use “social engineering” on a couple who are not only currently deader than doornails, but who were also quite the ciphers in life. Why do you think the FBI are looking to that phone for clues, anyhow? Oh yeah, and his hardware/software-based plan is also a non-starter. Back to jail you go, murderboy.

28. Mark Fucking Driscoll. Hipster Pastor is clearly the Donald Fucking Drumpf of right-wing megachurches. Problem is, his name is now so blatantly associated with misogyny, homophobia, crime and fuckery that anything he sticks it on is guaranteed to fail and fail FAST.

29. Robert Fucking Lewis Fucking Dear. Why the double Fucking? Because that’s how stupid it is to believe that killing three people at a Planned Parenthood centre is somehow going to save “thousands of babies”. No, that’s what medical clinics — like, oh, say, Planned Parenthood — are for!

30. Caitlyn Fucking Jenner. Ted Cruz’s future “trans ambassador”? Uh, lady…have you forgotten that he wants LGBT+ folks erased from the face of the Earth altogether? What the fuck are you huffing there in La-La Land?

31. Charles Edward Fucking Donner. Oh surprise! One of Der Drumpf’s California Klansmen is not all he seems. And by “not all he seems”, I mean he’s no more of a “pure Aryan” than Adolf Fucking Hitler himself.

32. David Fucking Duke. Der Drumpf’s future secretary of state? HAHAHAHA. That’s almost as funny as #30 being Ted Cruz’s ambassador for people he can’t stand. Guess he also didn’t get the message that Der Drumpf has finally gotten around to disavowing him, ha ha.

33. Derek Fucking Fildebrandt. No, you know what’s stale? Your out-of-touch far-right politics. Little wonder Alberta’s not voting that way anymore.

34. Jerry Fucking DeLemus. Suddenly that whole Tea Party hatriot thing doesn’t look so fun after all, does it? Yeah, sure, you go right ahead and declare yourself sovereign, but federal law still applies to you. And all your guns and high-flown rhetoric can’t save you from being arrested. Ha, ha.

35. Mary Lou Fucking Bruner. Yo, Texas? You better make sure this piece of idiocy wrapped in an ugly flag shirt doesn’t get any further than she already has. And that means get out there and VOTE, y’all.

36. Jacob Fucking Worthington. You don’t need to be a clown to smoke crystal meth in a waffle restaurant, but undoubtedly it helps to dress like one. And oddly enough, this time it wasn’t a Florida Man! (Georgia Man. Close enough!)

37. Steven Fucking Anderson. No, the Bible isn’t “always right”. Remember, it says there is an ocean above the sky, and that the Sun and Moon revolve around the Earth. So, what do you suppose are the odds that it’s also wrong about slavery? And speaking of wrong about slavery: No, it’s NOT about “unpaid debts”. Slaves are people who are bought and sold, not debtors. Some are captives of war. But no debtors, strangely enough. What biblical diploma mill graduated this yutz?

38. Tony Fucking Perkins. No, musicals are NOT “homosexual propaganda”. And even if they were, so what? Music is good, gay people are good, it’s all good. Unless you’re a closet case who doesn’t like being reminded of all the little skeletons dancing the Watusi in pink tutus and cha-cha heels in there, there is literally no downside.

39. Daniel Fucking Payne. No, Girl Scout cookies are NOT a reason to kill child labor laws. Those laws were originally enacted because labor was killing children, remember? And what’s all this about the evils of “compulsory education”? It exists so people aren’t as stupid as you, you fucking nitwit.

40. Milo Fucking Yiannopoulos. Unaccredited dopes crashing White House press conferences: Uncool. Unaccredited dopes crashing White House press conferences to hijack the discussion, only to make it all about them and their imaginary “politically motivated censorship”, which consists only of removing a little blue checkmark alongside their unaccredited dope name on the tweeter: Doubleplusuncool.

And finally, to all the fucking idiots out there who still plan to vote for Der Drumpf after all that’s transpired this week, from the revelation of his real name to his unbelievable pissing contest with Mittens Romney and, well, whoever. Good gawd, you people are a waste of skin and air. And, just so you know: Canada will be closed to all you whiny mindless pissants when Bernie Sanders becomes president.

Good night, and get fucked!

Crappy weekend, everyone! In honor of this past week’s Brit Awards (and in lieu of any more exciting theme presenting itself for this week), today’s wankapedia will be known as the Shit Awards. And with no further ado, in no particular order, this week’s doo-doos are:

1. Patty Fucking Ritchie. Don’t let them eat cake…or steak! Has it ever occurred to any of these interfering “small government” cons that people on public assistance already can’t afford those pricey foods anyway? It’s pretty obvious that none of these bozos have done their own grocery shopping in a while, or they’d realize that!

2. Donnie Fucking Wahlberg. That’s right, throw your old gay bandmate under the bus and go stumping for a guy who’d probably force him back into the ol’ closet if he had his druthers. After all, you got yours (and she’s a fucking idiot!), so why should you care about anyone else’s welfare, much less their right to exist?

3. Kory Fucking Langhofer. Paging Miracle Max! If dead men can’t vote, then why should dead SCOTUS judges? And no, just because we know what Antonin Fucking Scalia would have voted, doesn’t mean he still gets a say. He’s dead, and that’s GOOD. Now it’s time to replace his ass with someone better.

4. John Fucking Kasich. Women came out of the kitchen to support him…and if he gets his druthers, that’s where they’ll be headed right back to once he becomes preznit. Because Judeo-Christian values, and all those other things “moderates” believe in down in Jesusland.

5. Ezra Fucking Levant. Think he cares about freedom of speech? You’re wrong. All he cares about, all he ever cared about, was having his own platform to bully from. What others have to say, he will not defend, but smother to the death. Especially if, as in the case of Michael Coren (who has had quite the change of heart!), it goes against the Putz’s own bullying and bullshit. PS: And don’t ask this pied piper of poopy pants who pays him, either. He’ll only censor YOU. PPS: Yes, take your ball and go home, PUTZ.

6. Jason Fucking Lewis. Once, this blatantly racist would-be Limbaugh went Galt from radio. Now, let’s see if we can make him go Galt from running for public office, too.

7. Susan Fucking DeLemus. Yeah. HER again. And this time, she thinks the Pope (!!!) is the Antichrist. But I thought it was supposed to be that black guy in the White House! How come there are two of them? Does she have double vision, or is she just high on the fumes of her own idiocy?

8. Marshall Fucking Hardin. Because it wouldn’t be a wankapedia without one real, live wanker. And, bonus: this one’s a cop who did it in his cruiser!

9. Wendy Fucking Williams. Exqueeze me? Baking powder? The Kesha ruling was “fair”? Because a contract’s a contract? Look, lady: Just because someone signed a contract with Satan doesn’t mean shit. Bad contracts should be torn up. And yes, anything that puts a woman at risk of being sexually abused by her producer IS a bad contract, by definition. PS: And how fucked up is her idea that Kesha should have “rolled camera on” her abuse? Yeah, try setting up a camera while you’re drugged and incapacitated, honey. And try keeping the footage out of your abuser’s hands, too.

10. Luke Fucking Gottwald. And on the other side of the fucked-up coin, there’s this guy, who ain’t no doctor. And who frankly shouldn’t be a music producer, either. But hey! Go ahead and dig that hole deeper, fella. With any luck, the sides will fall in on you and there will be nothing left to tear up.

11. Roger Fucking Stone. Finally, FINALLY, the Chicken Noodle Network dumped a racist, sexist piece of shit. Considering how many viewers they’ve alienated over the years, though, I don’t see what difference it could possibly make.

12. Andrea Fucking Tantaros. Tell ya what, Andie: If you think Gitmo is a “tropical paradise”, I’d like to hear what tune YOU sing after being locked up there in the human equivalent of a kennel for 10-15 years. I’m pretty sure it won’t be “Guantanamera”.

13. Steve Fucking Deace. Yes, please do “eunuch” yourself. The fewer idiots breeding, the better.

14. Joe Fucking Oliver. Why yes, I do blame you for the deficit. You and your boss, Harpo. Because you were at the controls when it started to happen, and you did nothing to stop it, you dishonest little shit.

15. Tony Fucking Blair. Well, shit. Who needs popularity or credibility when you have “electability”, whatever the fuck that is? I dunno, Toady…why don’t you take up that question with Tom Mulcair? Because when he tried to go for “electability”, both his popularity and his credibility went down the shitter, just like yours.

16. Theodore Fucking Beale. Someone please inform this idiot that there are black people living in the suburbs now. And, shockingly, their IQs are no different from those of their white neighbors. Being as Beale’s, like those of all racists, is straining at room temperature, though, it might take some time for that news to sink in.

17. James Fucking Wiedmann. Someone please inform this idiot that it’s better that one’s daughter date whomever she pleases than that she gives the time of day to white supremacists with below-room-temperature IQs.

18. Eyal Fucking Qarim. Nice to know that even rape of Palestinians is kosher during wartime. And you wonder why we plan on boycotting Israel until they give up this racist apartheid shit and start holding themselves to the same moral standard that they hold the rest of the world?

19. Victor Fucking Priebe. Yes, this one’s a rare posthumous wank…because this dead doctor specified in his will that he wanted to start a bursary for straight, white, male students. Clearly the most oppressed class on Earth, because they only hold like 99% of the power and wealth, and just won’t be fairly represented until they get it all. Oh, and just to be fair, he also wanted to start one for female students who are, and I quote: “…hard-working, single Caucasian white girl who is not feminist or lesbian.” Because there’s nothing like a non-lesbian lady who works hard in the Department of Redundancy Dept., amirite, girls? (And yes, that giant dripping sound you heard was me getting sarcasm all over everything.)

20. Daryush Fucking Valizadeh. Meanwhile, back in the land of the (unfortunately) living, Roosh V is astonished to discover that racist racialists are racist! Just wait till he hears what water feels like, what religion the Pope is, and what bears do in the woods.

21. Melania Fucking Trump. No one cares why YOU think your husband didn’t insult the Mexicans, dear. The Mexicans are the ones whose opinion on that matter actually counts for anything.

22. Donald Fucking Trump. And just to remind you all of who the previous fucking idiot married, it’s THIS fucking idiot. Who, apparently, hasn’t classed up one bit since a dog’s age ago. PS: And look! Even without getting elected to office (and he never will be), he’s already offending foreign leaders! And having the chutzpah to demand apologies out of THEM! PPS: Ha, ha!

23. David Fucking Duke. Is there any better reason NOT to vote for #22 than this super creepy racist old white guy’s endorsement? Thought not.

24. Jeanne Fucking Ives. Who needs men to wage war on women when you have HER? And her weapon of choice is withholding birth certificates from single moms who refuse to name their children’s fathers? And on a somewhat related note: What fucking century is this, again?

25. Stefanie Fucking Williams. No, idiot, inadequate pay is not a “lifestyle that you choose”. It’s what happens when crapitalism runs amuck, and bosses think they can get away with forcing workers to accept less. And — this is crucial — when the law, criminally, sides with the bosses. Which is exactly the case in the United States of Amnesia, and many other countries. And since when is food vs. rent a “lifestyle choice”, anyhow? PS: Ha, ha! And SMACKDOWN.

26. Stacy Fucking Engman. If you wanna talk bad lifestyle choices, though, wearing a tiara and biting other passengers on the plane would certainly qualify.

27. Sarah Fucking Palin. How hilarious that she wants to compare Der Donald to Gandhi. And no, nobody’s fighting them, and they’re not gonna win…because both of them are permanently stuck at “they laugh at you”, and once the election silly season is over, they’ll both drop right back down to “they ignore you”.

28. Ted Fucking Cruz. He’s still not legally eligible to run, and now, he’s not morally eligible, either. If you promise to pardon a fraudster, doesn’t that make you an accessory to his crimes?

29. James Fucking Inhofe. Between his daft ideas on global climate change, pollution, and the Flint water crisis, I think it’s time this one was forcibly retired. In a straitjacket.

30. Kanye Fucking West. Bound for total irrelevance in 5…4…3…2…

And finally, to the fucking bastards of Bautzen. And the fucking cowards of Clausnitz. Thanks to them, the whole world now thinks of Germany as fascist again. Good job destroying your country’s hard-fought-for reputation, you fucking Nazis. Oh, I’m sorry…PEGIDA “patriots”. Same shit, ’nother era. Between them and the refugee-camp rapes, it’s like it’s 1939 all over again. I’m thinking a dose of public humiliation might be just the thing to cut the crowing short, if anyone has the guts to turn these Arschlöcher in and actually do some justice.

Good night, and get fucked!