I’ve often joked about the deafening silence of people who’ve been caught in their lies, using “crickets” as the metaphor for the only thing to be heard. I may have to stop doing that, because here is what crickets “say” when their high-pitched chirpings are slowed down to the normal frequency range of human voices:
It sounds like a choir murmuring in wordless harmony. I wonder if this is how they sound to one another.
Crappy weekend, everyone! Guess I don’t need to tell you what’s on the menu at Rob Fucking Ford’s house, eh? Yeah, he really said that. And upon hearing, an entire city lost its collective appetite…for just about everything. It’s pretty hard to top that for gross, but several people (and a river dolphin with a decapitated fish) did give it the ol’ college try this week. And here they are, in no particular order…
1. Tony Fucking Perkins. Denying birth control to women? That’s not “liberty”, that’s MISOGYNY. Of course, this is a totally sexually unattractive man we’re talking about here, so I guess one can see where it comes from with him, eh? Also, the Pilgrims weren’t Catholic, so there’s that. And birth control, primitive and unreliable as it was, was being used even in those days. But then again, this is a totally historically ignorant fool talking, so I guess we can safely discard anything he says, eh?
2. Craig Paul Fucking Cobb. How sweet is it to learn that this self-styled “white separatist” is a little over 1/8 black? Yeah, dude, good luck trying to split yourself off from 14% of your own genes. “Oil and water”, my ass. Try HUMAN and HUMAN. (And have fun getting shunned by your fellow racists, too.)
3. Pamela Fucking Wallin. While Pammy-pie was whining about her own “lack of due process”, it bears noting that she did not give a shit for Omar Khadr, who’s gone without the same for a great deal longer. I guess it helps to be rich, white and blond, eh?
4. Sarah Fucking Palin. Another week, another wank. And since the Paliness has another ghost-written doorstop to flog (just in time for the holidays, after which it will hit the remainder bin), of course she’s out there whackin’ it for all she’s worth (which is less than one might think, considering all the noise she puts out). But riddle me this, O idiotess: How the hell does one “protect the heart of Christmas” by fucking COMMERCIALIZING it? That’s a bit like prostituting for chastity. Actually, it’s EXACTLY that. PS: If the national debt is “just like slavery”, then Dubya’s your master, because he ran it up with all his wars-for-profit. PPS: We can has shuddup, pls? No, srsly, just STFU. Kthxbai.
5. Joseph Fucking Parker. Gee, one would think that a rape-gang leader would be brave enough to face justice when Karma comes calling. Guess we now know just what a little bed-wetter this one is underneath all that bravado and swagger, eh?
6 and 7. John Fucking Tamihere and Willie Fucking Jackson. Yeah, good job babbling about how bitches are all just like “rape me, rape me”, eh? How’s that suspension hanging? I hope it’s permanent.
8. Rush Fucking Limbaugh. Oh look. The Pigman’s too cowardly to utter a phrase like “cum dumpster” on the air, even though he’s obviously thinking it, and he wants all his listeners to be thinking it, too. But he doesn’t dare say it. Probably because he knows his sponsorships are hanging by a thread, and that the wrong phrase can cut them off altogether. Snip, snip!
9. Moshe Fucking Abutbul. Trust me, Mr. Mayor, there are SO gay people in your town. You just don’t know it. You might not know where they are, or who they are, but that’s because they know what you’re like, and they’re not about to tell YOU.
10. Richard Fucking Cohen. Oh goodie, I was wondering when he’d wank again. And whaddya know…he decided to be the white water-carrier for the Repugnican party (and its “conventional views”), just in an effort to prove they’re not racist. But to do so, he had to get right down in the racist muck and criticize Bill DeBlasio’s interracial marriage (and his “used to be a lesbian” wife). Nope, no racism there. Just “conventional views”! PS: Sign, sign, sign…and don’t forget to check the “I read the WaHoPo” box.
11. Justin Fucking Bieber. ¡Buenas noches, Buenos Aires! Lo siento que había ese mocoso entre ustedes. Nosotros tampoco lo queremos en Canadá. Yeah, he just soiled our collective reputation on the international stage again. He seems to be in competition with Stephen Fucking Harper. One of these days, he’s gonna fly back home from some Latin American country…in a motherfucking box. Now taking bets as to which country it will be… PS: Oh fucking HELL NO. PPS: I’m sure this comes as a terrible shock to absolutely no one. Welcome to total douchedom, Biebs. And way to alienate the little girls.
12. Rand Fucking Paul. Footnotes are totally not plagiarism…they’re just big red flags that tip you off to Bongwater Buddha’s plagiarism. Big difference!
13. Pat Fucking Robertson. How to talk to your gay kid? Ask if his coach molested him! Because Teh Ghey is totally contagious, and is passed from adults to children. Yeah, that’s it. I mean, that’s totally how Teh Straight gets passed down to girls from grown men, right?
14. Bryan Fucking Fischer. Meanwhile, for other right-wing tips on how to deal with gay kids, we get the ol’ fire ‘n’ brimstone trip from Lyin’ Bryan. Someone ought to sue him for the cost of all the therapy this “advice” is going to end up leading to.
15. David Fucking Cameron. Crapitalism lessons for schoolkids? Not necessary. They’re gonna learn soon enough from the School of Hard Knocks what it’s like to be fucked up the arse from cradle to grave, anyhow. PS: An actual Memory Hole? How very Nineteen Eighty-Four!
16. Theresa Fucking May. This one surely deserves some kind of booby prize for cockamamie idea of the week. If you’re going to strip an accused terrorist of British citizenship, shouldn’t you first wait until he’s, I dunno, actually CONVICTED of something? Because otherwise, the entire British parliament is gonna be left pretty much stateless. Wait! On second thought…
17. Chip Fucking Wilson. Apology not accepted, onaccounta your pants (and YOU) still suck.
18. Joseph Fucking Small. Because this list would not be complete without at least one actual, literal wanker — ladies and gentlemen, the pride of Sheffield, England has just figured out a totally new, off-label, and definitely novel way to use a fire extinguisher. We can only be thankful that there was no actual fire at the time. But hey, there WAS xenophobic racism…always lovely.
19. Bill Fucking Price. So, rape is an appropriate “punishment” for the “crime” of feminism, eh? And therefore, it logically follows that prison rape is okay for male (self-professed) feminists like Hugo Schwyzer, who’s in on DUI charges right now. Yeah, that’s flawless reasoning right there…courtesy of the “Men’s HUMAN Rights” crocks, who are always bullshitting on about how more men than women get raped, and who always brandish prison rape as their bloody shirt. And who do not the least thing about it (ranting and bogus stat-waving doesn’t count, guys — here, have some REAL stats). And when all’s said (and with their gusty winds, it always takes them FOREVER to get done saying it), they’re actually quite all right with raping anyone who isn’t a man. Or who isn’t man enough to fit their oddly narrow definition of masculinity. Stay classy, guys.
20. Bradlee Fucking Dean. I have a better idea: How about we jail this hate-mongering failed rocker asshole instead? After all, he IS calling for treason, not to mention the wholesale jailing of political enemies. A taste of his own medicine would do him some good, methinks.
21. David Fucking Barton. PTSD isn’t real if you’re a bible-thumpin’ Christian! Except that it IS real, no matter who you are, and God doesn’t discriminate between the righteous and the unrighteous, because it’s not a punishment for unbelief, and in any case, the bible never cured anything. War itself is an unnatural state (remember what I blogged on this earlier?), and therefore, PTSD is only to be expected. This asshat is not a real historian, and neither is he qualified to comment on matters of mental health with any semblance of authority.
22. Rafael Fucking Cruz. Atheism leads to WHAT? Um, NO. But it’s pretty obvious to me what religious derangement leads to. What do you bet it won’t be long before someone uncovers a child-sized skeleton in HIS closet?
23. Keith Fucking Jeffries. Nice to see that slimy, grotty, victim-blaming defence attorneys aren’t limited to the Northern Hemisphere. New Zealand’s got ’em too. Pro tip, Kiwi Keith: If you don’t want to get called a wanker, better zip your fuckin’ lip. Or find a way to actually make people believe your guilty client is innocent that doesn’t involve slandering the injured party…wanker.
24. Shawn Fucking Calpito. Can you NOT SEE that fascism is asinine, especially on your bumper? Jeebus.
25. Louie Fucking Gohmert. Gomer! Is that you again, standing there with your hand down your pants? Get it out where we can see it…and no, I do NOT mean your dick. I mean your hand. Jesus. And stop telling your president to formulate his foreign policy according to a fucked-up book of fiction, too.
26. Justin Fucking Lookadoo. Look, a douche! Between that name, that sexism, that “faith-based” shit, and the admission that reading and writing were his two worst subjects at school, and oh yeah, THAT HAIR, this “dateable” dillweed just satirizes himself. I just wish he wouldn’t do it in public.
27. Charlie Fucking Sheen. Well, how about that? Charlie wants to “help” Robbo! With what, I don’t know. Smoking crack? Eating cats? “Winning”? WHAT?
28. Alec Fucking Baldwin. Look, I don’t care if that pesky paparazzo was gay as a friggin’ bird of paradise, or if sausage is his favorite dish. You don’t get to go around calling people homophobic slurs. And I don’t care how fucking famous you are, either. PS: Ha, ha.
29. Ted Fucking Cruz. The man who was all hot and horny for the congressional shutdown now says he wasn’t trying for one. And of course, no one in the audience believed him. The only real question in my mind is, how did someone this dissociated ever manage to get elected in the first place? And who was dumb enough to vote for him?
30. Rob Fucking Ford. In addition to being a known cat-eater, Robbo would like you to know that he considers himself a role model. Yes, really. Stop laughing, you there in the Peanut Gallery! Tweedledum is fucking serious, you guys!
31. Doug Fucking Ford. Meanwhile, Tweedledee is so bad an enabler that at least one vodka company has come forward to urge customers to drink responsibly, i.e. consume in moderation and not drive if they’ve had any. And just think, this is why Toronto City Hall is so full of long and blushing faces lately. Well, this and the yet unresolved question of why Anthony Smith was killed.
32. Thomas Fucking Paprocki. Apparently the good news from the Vatican that gays are human has yet to reach a certain part of Illinois, because this self-styled exorcist is hoping to work his imaginary powers over an entire state. Am I terrible for hoping that it spits up pea soup all over him?
33. Kevin Fucking Trudeau. Guess who doesn’t want you to know that this diet scamster is in jail? No, not some imaginary “they”. It’s he himself! And it’s a wonder that his horrific “miracle” weight-loss plan hasn’t actually killed anyone, because judging by the specs, it easily could.
34. Fred Fucking Hiatt. Richard Fucking Cohen needs a lot more than just one sentence edited; he needs to be erased altogether from the WaHoPo’s masthead. I knew he was full of shit the day I saw he had chosen to rail against Chavecito in his craptacular column. And given his habit of gagging so much, shouldn’t he be packed off to a gastroenterologist? Or an ENT spesh? Because he does not sound like a well man to me. Either way, the last thing he needs is his editor covering for him. Fire them both.
35. Katharine Fucking Weymouth. Racism is just “conventional views”? Brilliant! Um, fire her too, somebody, please. Racism ceased to be “conventional” about two generations ago.
36. Larry Fucking Klayman. You say you want a revolution? Well, you know…you gotta actually have ideas and supporters, not wild threats of junk lawsuits. I seem to remember this wackaloon (or someone claiming to be working for him) threatening to sue ME for laughing at his “revolutionary” attempts to sue Chavecito. So far, no subpoena has showed up, either here or at Miraflores. It’s been a couple of years now. Still waiting… PS: Ha, ha.
37. Lila Fucking Rose. Surprise! Lie-là has absolutely no problem endorsing clinic-terrorizing anti-choice groups who also encourage fake volunteer clinic escorts to kidnap and “minister to” frightened abortion patients, so they miss their appointments. This is all of a piece with her crapaganda cottage industry, of course.
38. Thomas Fucking Buhls. Dude, your “white ethno-state” was born 80 years ago, and died 12 years later. That Nazi shit is totally passé. It’s the 21st century, so fucking grow up and get over your fucked-up racism, already.
39. Phyllis Fucking Schlafly. Lady, instead of getting your ancient panty-girdle in a bunch over Muslims, how about you start saying something about all the polygamous white fundie-Mormons instead? They’re eating up welfare in several states, and the men are getting rich at the expense of oppressed women. But then again, look who I’m talking to. Oppressed women are fine with you, aren’t they? It’s only non-Christian and non-white people that bug you, eh?
40. James Fucking Woodroof. Riddle me this: How is it possible for a guy who repeatedly raped a 14-year-old to get a 40 year sentence, yet not serve any time behind bars at all? I don’t know, but apparently Hizzoner does. And he wangled it, no doubt setting the offender up perfectly to get away with doing it all over again.
And finally, to US Fucking Airways. Unfortunately, the impatient flight attendant who threw a blind man and his guide dog off the flight wasn’t named, so I can’t wank-list her individually. But since the airline doesn’t seem to have a coherent and compassionate policy for passengers with assistance dogs, one that would place them in a front row seat so that they and the animal would have enough room to move and sit comfortably, I think a wank-listing of an entire airline is more than justified, yes? You know what to do, people…fucking fix your policy, already!
Good night, and get fucked!
At an official grand opening in Valencia (Carabobo) recently, there was a silent but very popular guest of honor:
While Madurito was carrying on in his predecessor’s vein, opening highways and housing projects financed by the state’s oil revenues, Chavecito’s bust was looking on with contemplative approval.
Have I mentioned yet today how much I miss this man?
It’s been a sad day in Canada’s ketchup town…although no doubt some corporate titan in a head office far away was just putting his wingtips up and blowing smoke rings on his fat cigar over this:
In Leamington, Ont., a town synonymous with tomatoes and ketchup, Heinz Canada announced Thursday it is closing its century-old plant, throwing 740 people out of work.
Company officials called employees to a meeting Thursday afternoon, where they were told that the last production run of giant plant, which makes everything from ketchup to condiments and baby food to tomato juice, would be in mid-year 2014.
The move comes just months after Heinz was taken private by Warren Buffett’s Berkshire Hathaway and the Brazilian investment firm 3G Capital in a $23.3 billion deal.
So much for Warren Buffett’s name being synonymous with social conscience. Capitalists know no such thing. Heinz is not a struggling corporation; this was purely a profit move, and should be punished accordingly.
Good thing I’m not a ketchup person; boycotting won’t pain me in the least. Pass the poutine, and for you good folks in Leamington…good night, and good luck.
Join me for a moment of getting-unstuck-in-time, won’t you?
That was Kurt Vonnegut, reading one of the weirdest and loveliest passages in all of his work: Billy Pilgrim’s time-slip in Slaughterhouse-Five. Billy is waiting for the flying saucer to take him to Tralfamadore, and a late-night war movie on TV joggles his own traumatic memories of having been a soldier in that same god-awful carnage. Since it’s all too terrible for a mentally fragile man to bear, Billy’s mental illness — or strange talent — makes the movie run backwards, so that death and destruction get reversed and undone.
Billy Pilgrim is like Vonnegut himself, who also fought in World War II, and in that same novel, Vonnegut talks about his own experiences as a prisoner of war in the basement of a German slaughterhouse during the Allied firebombing of Dresden:
He was down in the meat locker on the night that Dresden was destroyed. There were sounds like giant footsteps above. Those were sticks of high-explosive bombs. The giants walked and walked. The meat locker was a very safe shelter. All that happened down there was an occasional shower of calcimine. The Americans and four of their guards and a few dressed carcasses were down there, and nobody else. The rest of the guards had, before the raid began, gone to the comforts of their own homes in Dresden. They were all being killed with their families.
So it goes.
Sorry, that was Billy Pilgrim again. Or rather, Billy Pilgrim as fictional surrogate for Vonnegut himself. Substitute “he” for “I”, and you get just how non-fictional the novel is. How ironic is that — a novel which is actually non-fiction at heart?
The whole thing is layer upon layer of irony, since Vonnegut is himself of German descent. His surname is actually a bastardization of Funnegut, since his family had an estate — ein Gut — on the river Funne, way back. Since the ignorant Yanks, who haven’t even mastered their own language, would only pronounce it “Funnyguts”, or something dumb like that, it got changed to Vonnegut when they immigrated. So there’s one irony: a German-American sitting among Americans taken prisoner by Germans. Other layers: They are forced to work in a slaughterhouse, making vitamin syrup for pregnant women. This saves their lives when their own allies come to bomb the city, which has no military significance. They firebomb it just as a pure show of force, to say “this is what we’ll do again, and worse, if you don’t surrender”. The prisoners are locked in the basement meat-locker of the slaughterhouse, while the “free” Germans overhead are getting fried up like so much human Schnitzel. They are among the very few to survive the firebombing of Dresden, whose main industry was fine porcelain (insert bull/china-shop joke here). They have the privilege of sitting in terror and darkness, with puffs of plaster dust raining down on their heads, listening to death as it happens.
An experience like that is bound to be scarifying, and for Vonnegut it was. Slaughterhouse-Five alone took him 25 years to be able to write, and when he did, it had to be executed as a slapstick sci-fi comedy; to write it as a straight-up memoir was impossible because the pain was too deep to fathom. About a decade after Slaughterhouse-Five was published, Vonnegut attempted suicide; the unsuccessful attempt formed the basis of another novel, Deadeye Dick.
There isn’t much doubt in my mind that Vonnegut, like Billy Pilgrim and the soldiers of the Vietnam war, was suffering from PTSD. Back in World War II it wasn’t called that, but “combat fatigue”, as if it were just something you had to sleep off, like an alcohol bender. In the Great War, it was called “shell shock”, as though it were some momentary annoyance you could shake off and be right as rain in five minutes. Military hospitals looked in vain for ways to make just that happen, to make soldiers mentally whole again so they could get briskly back to the business of killing and being killed.
They never found it. And they never will, although I wouldn’t doubt that they’re still trying. As long as there are fortunes somewhere to be plundered, there will be more wars.
And that may be why Slaughterhouse-Five came out when it did. Vonnegut makes no bones about it being an anti-war novel. A contemporary (“Harrison Starr, the movie-maker”) told him he might as well write an anti-glacier novel. Of course, that contention rests on the fallacy that wars, like glaciers, are just natural phenomena, and therefore pointless to oppose. Which begs the question: What is so fucking natural about THIS?
Black flak and nightmare fighters don’t exist in nature, and neither does the purpose they purport to serve. By the way, Randall Jarrell, the war veteran who wrote and read the anti-war poem above, also attempted suicide decades later…and succeeded.
And if we go on glorifying war, which is to say erasing and forgetting the very real human toll of it in favor of lip service to its veterans, we might as well just tell them all to go fucking die.
It was only a matter of time before someone did this:
Amazing how revealing Robbo’s babble becomes when it’s set to music, eh?
Crappy weekend, everyone! And a cracky weekend to the folks in the Big Smoke. You poor dears, the whole world is feeling your pain. And your embarrassment. Why, it’s enough to drive one to drink! But be careful not to get into a stupor, it will make you do stupid things. With any luck, they won’t be nearly as stupid as the following:
1 and 2. Rob and Doug Fucking Ford. Tweedledum and Tweedledee were in it up to their bulgy blue eyeballs this week. Where to begin? Robbo’s ludicrous insistence that his crack episode was just a one-time thing? Dougie the Dictator trying to get the police chief to resign for having the temerity to investigate his brother? How about Robbo’s old hypocrisy on crack addiction coming back to bite him? Or his hiring a hacker to try to erase that incriminating video? Or how poor Dougie the Dictator got completely blindsided by a sudden loss of control over the whole narrative? Or Robbo’s incredible renditions of Blue Steel and Le Tigre? Or that OTHER video, where he’s cracked to the gills and literally screaming blue murder?
3. Rand Fucking Paul. Finally, HE admits he has a problem! Bongwater Buddha is hooked on plagiarism, sure as Margaret Fucking Wente. And he’s even graciously offered to quit doing it, if only everybody would stop picking on him and making him challenge Rachel Maddow to illegal duels and shit. PS: Ha, ha. Even the Moonie Times can’t bear to publish him anymore. How sad is that?
4. Paul Fucking Martin. No, not the former prime minister. This one’s a Florida cop. And his idea of effective interrogation tactics for teenage rape victims is to get all lewd and creepy with ’em. That’s when he’s not busy abusing his ex-wife. What is HE smoking, I wonder?
5. Dwight Fucking Kay. Well, finally a wingnut comes out and admits it: the bible and human rights are antithetical. Unfortunately, in his stupor, he forgot that the US is not, in actual point of fact, “founded on scriptures” at all.
6. Tenari Fucking Maafala. Calm down, dude. Nobody’s “imposing” anything on your kids. If they don’t want to get gay-married in Hawaii, they don’t have to! And stop being so dramatic. Nobody wants to kill you. Your beliefs are, in actual point of fact, discriminatory. You just don’t get to claim religion as a cop-out.
7. Douglas Fucking Phillips. He did not have sex with that woman, whatsername. And yet, he expects to be forgiven so he can go on back to filling ladies’ quivers and preaching that awful, patriarchal shit. Um, no. You’re cut off, Doug. No more enabling for you!
8. Marshall Fucking Mathers. Yeah, that’s right, Emifuckinem. If you don’t understand how the word “faggot” can possibly be construed as a homophobic slur, try being gay. Try getting it yelled at you by thugs about to kick the shit out of you for no reason other than that you’re gay, and you’re there. Try getting burnt at the stake for it. Maybe then you’d clue in, but by then, it would be too fucking late.
9. Jonathan Fucking Taylor. Y’know, kid, if you’re gonna castigate feminists for “misandry” (note the quotes, there for a reason), the first thing you should do is not chop up your pull-quotes to make them say something that the original author was NOT saying. And the second thing you should do is not double down on your dumbth when you get caught in the act of making straw-feminists. But more than anything else, you really need to look into that nasty-wasty feminist concept otherwise known as READING COMPREHENSION. It’s taught in elementary school for a reason, kiddo.
10. Shimon Fucking Samuels. Awwww. Isn’t it sad? The Simon Wiesenthalers have run out of Nazis to hunt, so they’ve BECOME them. And now they’re hunting Jews who support human rights for Palestinians. And they’re using the 75th anniversary of Kristallnacht as their occasion for doing so…without the faintest hint of awareness of the irony. Somewhere, Nietzsche is palming his face soooooo hard.
11. Pamela Fucking Wallin. Talk about nerve: She doesn’t want to give up her senate pension, even though she’s suspended (should have been FIRED), thanks to her double- and triple-dipping travel expenses. Oh yeah, and there’s also the fact that she was a tyrant with her staff. Which is what sparked the investigation into her irregularities in the first place. Shoulda been nicer to the help, eh Pammy?
12 and 13. Michael Fucking Robertson and Michelle Fucking Menken. Sorry, punk, but you don’t get to sue for the right to break anti-voyeurism laws. They are there for a reason, and nobody cares what your sad boner thinks. As for you, lady lawyer defending this punk, you should be ashamed of yourself. Not to mention disbarred for not understanding that upskirt photos are NOT speech, and certainly not protected under any constitutional amendment. And oh yeah, that the space under a woman’s skirt is NOT public, and that no one should have a “reasonable expectation” of being photographed from that angle by random creepers.
14 and 15. Amber Fucking Langford and Annie Fucking Collinge. You can see that they put a lot of thought into their “Sexy 9-11” Halloween costumes. Too bad none of those thoughts were along the lines of “You know, this is really fucking tasteless and a terrible idea.”
16. Ryan Fucking Firoved. Pro tip #1: Never brag about raping children. Pro tip #2: Never rape children (or adults, for that matter). Pro tip #3: Never forget #1 and #2.
17. Anthony Fucking Brinkman. Pro tip #4: See above, and also do not advertise your own daughter as a prospective victim, you fucking pervert.
18 and 19. Chip and Shannon Fucking Wilson. You two really don’t give a shit if no one ever buys your overpriced, and definitely overrated, yogawear again, eh? Because if you’re gonna make an inferior product in sizes XXS through MicrofuckingSCOPIC, and then slap a $100 price tag on it, and then blame the fatty-fat-fat-ass buyer for that flimsy, see-through shit pilling, that’s what’s gonna happen. Yogis and yoginis are gonna go Galt on you. Just so you know. PS: I’m typing this wearing a surprisingly well-fitting $29.97 pair of cotton/spandex yoga pants from Zellers, just so you know. And they’re two years old and still haven’t pilled, even on my gap-free thighs. How is that even possible, considering that Zellers never claimed to be all high-tech and shit, like you?
20. Paul Fucking Elam. If you ever wondered just how stupid this leading “Men’s HUMAN Rights” jackass is, wonder no more. He got taken in by an obviously fake (says so right on the label!) news site, and promptly shot his gulliver off with a big sulphurous blast of apologia for rape culture, complete with silly “stick it to the man” (heh) rhetoric about “democracy” and how bad bosses can be fired (nope; they only ever fall up) and shit. Even funnier: He tried to scrub it after someone tipped him off, but not before Teh Googlez caught and cached the evidence of his raging irrational little ol’ testicles running out of control. PS: Dude sure puts the ASS in clASSy. And just think, he claims he used to be an addiction counsellor! I fear for anyone who was ever once his client, if that’s true. His judgy-ass misogyny and misanthropy just reek from his pores like stale old booze.
21. Jim Bob Fucking Duggar. He wants to make sure abortion is banned so women don’t have any cause for regret? Awwww, bless his heart. I don’t suppose it’s ever occurred to him that women can regret having kids, although I’ve seen evidence that they often do — especially after trying to re-enter the workforce once the little ones are in school. But then again, in Quiverfull Cloud Cuckoo Land, women don’t work at anything other than reproduction, so I guess that salient point is moot.
22. John Fucking Stossel. Waaaaaa, poor people aren’t allowed to sell their spare kidneys! What is the world coming to? Its senses, obviously. Must suck to be a minarchist flibbertigibbertarian, always bucking one’s big dumb skull up against reality like that…
23. Jered Fucking Ragon. Waaaaaa, school kids aren’t allowed to see icky-poo anti-choice crapaganda put out by wannabe church bombers! What is the world coming to? Its senses, again. Damn those senses! Must suck to be a rabid woman-hater, seething with explosive rage that evil wicked wimmin are not doing with their bodies what you would have them do. And hey! He’s some kind of anti-government wacko, too! He and #22 should get together and discuss this whole “small gummint” thing, eh?
24. Bob Fucking Butt. White poppies for peace are “copyright infringement”? Um, NO. That would be someone other than the Royal Canadian Legion selling identical RED poppies, you war-glorifying tool.
25. Antonin Fucking Scalia. If you’re so worried about devil worshippers praying in public, shouldn’t you be opposed to public prayer? And if you’re such a good Christian, again, shouldn’t you be opposed? Because Jesus sure was; even told people to go pray quietly in their closets so as not to be hypocrites. Oops!
26. Justin Fucking Bieber. Three words: Racist monkey graffiti. Okay, three more: Brazilian prostitute video. PS: Can’t you , you little shit? Lord knows you’ve bought everything else.
27. Larry Fucking Busby. And the trainwreck otherwise known (laughably) as Romeo Rose continues. This week, it’s rampant sexism, rape apologia, homophobia, transphobia, flibbertigibbertarianism, racism, racism, more racism, and HOLY FUCKING SHIT RACISM BATMAN. Plus a lot of general ew-yuck. All in one big mental meltdown on the tweeter. Who knew that 140 characters or less could be so fucking disgusting?
28. David Fucking Arnett. Owning one’s shit is obviously a thing of the past. Srsly, this whole “I’m sorry IF you were offended” non-apology thing has got to go.
29. Rush Fucking Limbaugh. Hey ladies! Put down your slutty slut-slut pills and listen up. This week, we’re all “abortion machines”. Isn’t that special? This never-been-pregnant abortion machine is now taking bets as to when the Pigman’s Viagra/oxycodone habit finally busts that one dangerously weak blood vessel in his brain. Any day…any minute…any microsecond at all now…
30. Justin Fucking Trudeau. Hey ladies! How would you like to throw down $250 on cocktails and dinner (and maybe pillow talk) with the sexay Liberal leader? What’s that? You don’t have the money to throw around? You think he’s really kind of a lightweight, and not just in the boxing ring? You’re worried about the tar sands and the Keystone XL pipeline? You don’t think capitalist dictatorship China is a good role model for the west? Sorry, ladies, I guess he’s JUST not that INto you, ha ha.
31. Jo Fucking Jordan. So lemme see if I got this straight (sorry): You’re gay, and you’re a Democrat, and you voted against same-sex marriage rights in Hawaii? Even though you personally believe in it, and so do over 50% of Hawaiians? What fucking fresh hell of cognitive dissonance is this?
32 and 33. Kathy and Diane Fucking Ford. Yup, that’s right, the whole Ford family is now in deep wank. These two for their obvious enabling and silly rationalizing. No, being fat is NOT the problem with Robbo. I’ve known my share of fat people, and none of them were raving psychopaths. Probably because none of them smoked crack, in a drunken stupor or otherwise. And also because none of them were right-wing politicians and petty tyrants from the shitty ‘burbs of the Big Smoke.
34. Jim Fucking Flaherty. I’ve never seen a garden gnome cry before, much less over a crack-smokin’ psycho mayor. Turns out they’re old drinking buddies, and that Jimbo and Robbo’s dad were in Mike Fucking Harris’s Ontario legislature together. Will wonders never cease?
35. Julian Fucking Fantino. It’s kind of rich that a crooked cop whose specialty was busting gay bathhouses would suddenly feel himself so honor-bound to pay lip service to the same veterans he’s been screwing out of benefits, ignoring and generally neglecting. It’s no wonder Harpo picked him for Veterans’ Affairs; it fits with the overall pattern of SupposiTory ministers whose job it is to wreck the departments they represent. All the more reason to put on that white poppy and be an uncomfortable reminder of the truth.
36. George W. Fucking Bush. Yup, that’s right, Dubya has actually resurfaced, hand on cock. This time, he’s trying to convert Jews to Christianity and bring back the Messiah. In his mind, no doubt, he IS the fucking Messiah. In reality, he’s a major reason why so few Jews vote Republican.
37. Tom Fucking Cruise. Bitch, please. You do not train remotely as hard as an Olympian, and your location shoots are nothing like a tour in Afghanistan. You come back with your limbs and your mind (such as it is) intact. You’re a colossal wimp, is what you are. And deluded by the cult of Scientology into thinking you’re some kind of god, too. More than anything else, though, you’re just a shitty actor.
38. Brett Fucking Wilson. To the #RedPoppy moron – be clear – the @WhitePoppy peace movement does not disrespect veterans. You don’t speak for them. #STFUjackass
39. Preston Fucking Manning. Grandfather of Canada’s dirty-politics wingnut party calls Nigel Fucking Wright “the most ethical person” he knows. That really isn’t saying much, is it? I mean, this is the whiny-voiced asswipe whose oily right-wing “institute” tried to edge Canada’s best mayor out of office, fer Christsakes. Nigel, you need to find better friends.
40. Patrick Fucking Howley. Shorter: Gays used to be so cool before they started agitating for equality and respect! Item: the fucking idiot who wrote that isn’t gay. And obviously hasn’t experienced any of the myriad uncool things that gay guys endured in the Cool Old Gloryhole Days of Sexy Inequality, like for instance getting murdered, firebombed, raided by #35, and electroshocked in an effort to “cure” them of it. And let’s not forget how rampant homophobia was the real driving force behind that oh-so-cool gay club scene, where AIDS haunted the scenesters like an unsexy spectre. PS: The “boring”, dude-next-door type of gay man existed back then, too. In fact, one of them was a badass leading gay rights activist. Correction: more than one.
41. Dave Fucking Wilson. How the hell did this old white fucker trick voters into thinking he’s black? Did he hire black actors to pretend they were him? Or did he just rub on the blackface and give a good ol’-fashioned minstrel show, complete with Amos ‘n’ Andy jokes and clacking knucklebones? However he did it, well, now he’s got to face all those angry black folks in his district…and Karma will not be kind to his ass. Ha, ha.
42. Edwin Charles Fucking Tobergta. Dude, you know you’ve got hands, right? And there’s such a thing as privacy, too. How about exercising both next time you get the urge to hump an inanimate object in public?
43. Young Fucking Lee. What the fuck is the world coming to when rich bitches can’t beat homeless people half to death with tire irons anymore? Sheesh.
44. Dom Fucking Sagolla. Charlatans in Silicon Valley? A twit who didn’t co-create Twitter? Whatever the FUCK is the world coming to?
45. Damon Fucking Bruce. I used to wonder why sports talk radio didn’t interest me one bit, why it alienated and repulsed me so fucking much. And then this dumbfuck starts in on women daring to have opinions, and suddenly, I remember. He’s only emblematic of what’s wrong with the whole damn boorish, chauvinistic industry. Good job, asshole. Hope your station can take the hit in lost listeners…and ad revenue.
46. John C. Fucking Kelly. Consent to have sex is not consent to be taped having sex. You have to obtain that separately, stoopid…although I seriously doubt you’d get it now that your little secret is out, ha ha.
47. Monte Fucking McNaughton. No, “right to work” laws won’t revive Ontario’s manufacturing sector. Try killing NAFTA…except, since that’s your Brian Fucking Mulroney’s baby, I guess it won’t happen. And this is why Ontario won’t be turning blue again anytime soon. Except, maybe, from holding its collective breath waiting for REAL answers.
48. Richie Fucking Incognito. What an ironic name! I never knew of him until this week. And given his extensive track record for boorish asshole behavior, I wish I still didn’t.
49. Larry Fucking Pratt. Meanwhile, this one’s name is not a bit ironic, but rather quite fitting. What else would YOU call someone who believed that Trayvon Martin got shot (apparently deservedly) because he came from a divorced family? Jeez, it’s like all these “responsible” gun owners don’t believe that someone who shoots a gun should be held responsible for their own actions anymore. Now THAT’s ironic!
50. Glenn Fucking Beck. At this point it feels like shooting fish in a barrel to list him, but…wankers gonna wank.
And finally, to everyone who knew about the fucking “Roast Busters”, and did nothing. That includes school officials, the fucking Auckland police, and family and friends of the perpetrators. Not only are you doing nothing toward a solution, you people are the problem. You wonder why so few rape victims come forward to press charges? Stop fucking wondering. When an ugly incident, even one as egregious as this, gets actively swept under the rug, there’s no more doubt. You people ARE rape culture. And the shame belongs rightfully to every one of you.
Good night, and get fucked!
Appy polly loggies, but I wasn’t able to find any hot photos of Evo or El Ecuadorable today. I got so caught up in cleaning up the walnuts in my garden and composting the hulls that I didn’t have time to look. In lieu of leftism, please accept this twinky Darth Vader:
…and I’ll see you on the other side.
