News of the Restless

Crappy weekend, everyone! What a shocker, eh…not all endangered critters are cute! Some are weird and even downright ugly. Okay, I can live with the blobfish; it’s kind of comical, actually. Now, if only these uglies would go extinct, in no particular order:

1. George Fucking Zimmerman. Looks like he tried and failed to do a “Stand Your Ground” with his estranged wife and soon-to-be-ex-in-laws after she went on TV and basically outed him as a selfish, narcissistic bastard and a domestic abuser. So, does anyone still want to believe he was innocent of the first-degree murder of Trayvon Martin? I guess what I’m trying to say here is, anyone wanna buy the Brooklyn Bridge off me? PS: And lest you doubt me, consider that there is nothing more incriminating than destroying the evidence.

2. Thomas Fucking Mulcair. Attack ads? Oh great. This country is looking more and more indistinguishable from what’s to the south of us, all the time. Thanks a lot, Tom, for collaborating with Harpo in making Canada unrecognizable, just like he promised.

3. Rob Fucking Ford. Is anyone else reminded of the petulant child who takes his ball and goes home when the other kids on the playground won’t let him win? Because Robbo is totally that. PS: Ha, ha. Epic image rehabilitation FAIL!

4. Jeff Fucking Sessions. Why?

That’s why. He’s just joshin’, folks! He totally does mean to be partisan, and he’s wrong about Assad, to boot. Because Assad’s not the one who used them, remember?

5. Paul Fucking Elam. No fool like an old fool? Yup. And this week, this old fool decided to prove it by completely ignoring the long and not-so-proud tradition of sexism and rape culture at frosh week, which in practically every university on the planet dates back to the Bad Old Days before women were admitted. Instead, he’s going to blame his pet bugaboo, the same he blames for just about everything from global warming to diaper rash: FEMINISM! Yeah, that’s right…feminism made rape culture happen. By striving, among other things, to eliminate rape culture. Figure that one out!

6. Richard Fucking Dawkins. Thanks a lot for minimizing the harm that pedophilia does, DICK. I’m sure all the molested, raped and sexually abused kids out there feel better already, just hearing from you how little harmed you were by a pervert who stuck his hand down your pants, back in the day. I’m sure the molesters feel a lot better than that, though!

7. Pax Fucking Dickinson. Speaking of rape culture, Silicon Valley has it. And this asshole is a prime example of it. And yes, I’d call him an asshole to his face…right before slapping it straight into next year. PS: Ha, ha. PPS: Ha, ha, ha.

8. Ezra Fucking Levant. Menschy Nenshi pwns pantloady putz. The End!

9. Kimberly Fucking Hall. Oh look! The preachy lady who slut-shamed all those teenage girls who Facebook-friended her shirtless sons deleted a blog post. And surprise, surprise — it’s all about how she met the father of said sons, whose precious virgin eyes she has taken it upon herself to protect from the pajama-clad vixens of Instagram. And how did she meet him? Well, he was shirtless. And leaning out a window. I take it she could see that he wasn’t wearing a bra. And also that it gave her a raging youngladyboner, which was promptly deflowered soon thereafter.

10. Ann Fucking Coulter. Why is gassing Arabs a bad thing? Oh, for exactly the same reason as flying airplanes into skyscrapers and starting needless wars of aggression is a bad thing. But gassing ghouls could be a good thing. Can we start with her, please?

11, 12 and 13. Jethro Fucking Botts, David Fucking Boulton and Kangmo Fucking Kim. Brogrammers have got to be the most useless shits in the tech industry. Certainly they produce the most useless shit apps. Does anyone need an app that records the user staring at boobs, or requires him to mimic a nasty wank? Nope. And more to the point, who the hell WANTS that shit? The only good it does is to let women know who NOT to date. (Or HIRE.)

14. Terry Fucking Richardson. For directing Miley Cyrus’s latest video, which looks like (and probably is) one long, crappy American Apparel ad. And for being so creeptacularly creeperriffic that I can’t help but speculate that her much-hyped twerkin’-with-the-Pedobears “sexuality” isn’t really hers, it’s his. And it’s a projection. An icky, sticky, licky projection.

15. Brent Fucking Girouex. No, you can’t pray away the gay. And you can’t rape it away, either. Shouldn’t you be in jail? Why yes, you should.

16. Roosh Fucking Valizadeh. Finally, we know his last name; finally (ugh), we also know his face. Anyone else not surprised that this “famous” pickup artist is unattractive as all hell? Anyone else not surprised that he doesn’t know how nature really works? Anyone else also not surprised that he’s against laws forbidding (and punishing) domestic violence, because he believes the laws to be making a “special class” of the “weak”, while domestic violence is just “natural”? All of this kind of goes together, in its own ugly way…and oh, how I pity Ukraine for harboring this unsightly pile of human excrement and his ugly, ugly “thoughts”. (Note the quotes; there for a reason. As always.)

17. Glenn Fucking Beck. War is a “progressive idea”? Um, no. Conservatives have always disproportionately reached for it as a solution to all the fuckeries that they’ve made of their countries. And always, always ended up making a bigger fuckery of things than they already were. Funny how Biff conveniently forgets that. Even funnier, how conveniently he has suddenly turned against war when he used to be all rah-rah for it. Which is quite the contrast from real progressives, who have always been against it, and who have always had principles on their side, too.

18. Bob Fucking Vander Plaats. And speaking of conservatives and making fuckeries, how about him? Funny how rightards are all for “free speech” when it’s them wanting the “freedom” to be Nazis, but they’re all against it when anyone else is trying to, you know, actually get free. Like, say, the LGBTs in Russia.

19. Neil Fucking Cavuto. Does anyone need further evidence that FUX Snooze isn’t news (or even “news”), it’s just a very bad fundamentalist cult? And this creepy overage kid behind their so-called anchor desk is the preacher?

20, 21 and 22. Michele Fucking Bachmann, Steve Fucking King, and Louie Fucking Gohmert. Now they’re blaming the Egyptians for 9-11? They seem to forget that the perpetrators of that one were almost all of them Saudis. But thanks, you guys, for the dipshit comic relief. Keep grasping at those straws; it’s so much fun to watch you guys slowly and painfully sink.

23. Gordon Fucking Klingenschmitt. John Jacob Jingleheimer seems to think it’s possible to be possessed by entities one does not believe in. Funny, because all the cases of demon possession I’ve ever seen involved people who DID believe. Those who didn’t were strangely immune. You don’t suppose there could be a connection there, eh?

24. Bob Fucking Larson. Speaking of demon possession, this one’s got the worst case I’ve ever seen. He’s possessed by two demons named Svengali and Charlatan. He’s even infected his innocent teenage daughter and her two friends to do his bidding, and now they’re out to peddle kitschy “crosses of deliverance” and $200 “exorcisms” to the gullible in England. Unfortunately, they’re powerless against Harry Potter — who, though every bit as fictional as their schtick, is by far the better read.

25. Donald Fucking Trump. 9-11? It’s all about the hairpiece, baby. Srsly, this man’s ego never takes a day off. And that’s hilarious, because he’s got exactly NOTHING to be so damn egotistical about.

26. Samantha Fucking Power. Oh dearz, someone is butthurt about not being able to attack Syria. And she’s taking it out on the UN. The only difference between her and John Fucking Bolton is the gender and the sheepdog look he’s got going on.

27. Terry Fucking Jones. Meanwhile, someone else haz teh butthurt about not being able to make a bonfire of the holy scriptures of somebody else’s religion. Da poor widdle fing!

28 and 29. Marvin and Stephanie Fucking Sapp. Same link, same thing, same stoopid. And same gross misconception as to the meaning of free speech. Newsflash: Destroying someone else’s words is NOT speech. It is SILENCING. Remember Nazi Germany? Wasn’t a bastion of free speech, morons.

30. Raylan Fucking Alleman. “Don’t educate your wimminz, they’ll only stop listening to their dumb ol’ dads and not submit to their rapey idiot husbands! And then who will men have left to feel superior to? NOBODY!” I guess that’s the basic gist of what he’s trying to say here. It’s certainly the impression I get. If this is that superior masculinist logic and reasoning I keep hearing so much about, it’s an epic fail.

31. Matt Fucking Forney. It’s sad enough that this right-wing woman-hater had a shitty blog (now defunct) dedicated to, well, hating women. Even sadder, he’s self-published a “best of” book. Saddest of all, the poor bastard has to blurb himself AND write his own “rave” reviews. And when the “current dystopia” (as he calls this world of not-misogynous-enough misogyny) ends, all the unsold copies (i.e., all the copies, period) will be pulped for toilet paper. Fully half of which will be used by women. Ha, ha.

32 and 33. John Fucking Kerry and Henry Fucking Kissinger. Oh look! The new war criminal (in the making) is seeking advice from the old one. Isn’t that just precious? Whatever happened to the Winter Soldier? And why the hell is Kissinger even still alive?

34. Sarah Fucking Palin. She’s still the grift that keeps on giving! Fucking snowbilly just can’t seem to keep her name off this list, can she?

35. Benedict Fucking Cumberbatch. So, the comely Mr. Cumberbatch, alias “Sherlock”, is fine and dandy with the government (that is, PUBLIC SERVANTS) keeping secrets from the people but simultaneously spying on them? Also, he sure was nasty to Chelsea Manning. And apparently, he misgendered her, too. Wanks one and all. Nope, not a fan here. Sorry. No can be, after that.

36. Robin Fucking Thicke. Looks like the untalented douchebag son of an untalented douchebag father just suffered a further setback in his quest to make mediocrity hot. The university students of Edinburgh have voted to ban his misogynous little “subversive” ditty. The kids are okay…well, some of them, anyway. Ha, ha.

37. Stephen Fucking Harper. Why?

He’s also the most do-no-good PM we’ve had since Brian Fucking Mulroney. Hell, he’s actually made me nostalgic for ol’ Lyin’ Brian. And that takes some doing!

38. Pamela Fucking Geller. Look who thinks she and her patron shitferbrains, Robert Fucking Spencer, are going to expand their infantile hate-empire to Toronto. Look who’s in for one helluva shock. Torontonians want none of her!

39. Pamela Fucking Wallin. Aww, poor Pammy-wammy haz a mad, because she got caught with her hand in the cookie jar and had to put ’em all back! And she thinks she was “lynched”? Sorry, Pammy, but bleached blonde is NOT the New Black! Resign, you horrid creature. You did PLENTY wrong. And you know it.

40. Justin Fucking Bieber. I’m sorry, but until this little shitweasel learns to pull up his pants and stop horking loogies on his fans, he has no business being in front of a camera. And that includes his own.

And finally, to Anders Fucking Behring Fucking Breivik. Yeah, that’s right…Pamela Fucking Geller’s little genital wart. He’s getting a free education in political science, of all things. Well, let’s hope that his profs flunk him if he expounds for very long on the whole “cultural Marxism” theme. Or if he tries to make an apologia for neofascist terrorism his thesis, as I suspect he will. Maybe he’ll finally acquire some sense…but I wouldn’t bet on it. BTW, the party he’s associated with just got its sorry ass into the Norwegian parliament as part of the new ruling coalition. I hope the thing goes downhill faster than the walls of the steepest fjord.

Goodnight, and get fucked!

Crappy weekend, everyone! Well, it looks like Syria is the next stop in the oil wars disguised as “humanitarian interventions”. Another BushCo war, brought to you by His Barackness. Charming! That Nobel is looking thoroughly tarnished by now. And the following people are no better, either:

1. Mark Fucking Kessler. Dude, you’ve worn out your welcome. Go suck your “friend”, preferably while “he” is loaded for bear. With the safety off, please. PS: Cops who run private militias are in fact committing TREASON. And uttering death threats? That’s a crime too. Where are the federal agents? Doesn’t Pennsylvania have state troopers? Somebody come get this dude, he’s gonna blow. And he shouldn’t have the chance to take anyone with him.

2. Anthony Fucking Weiner. Trying to “sound Jamaican” at a Caribbean carnival? You’re a fuckin’ wanker, mon. PS: Dancing to violent homophobic music is a wank too.

3. Aaron Fucking Klein. See what happens when you try to make Jim Crow faaaabulous? You get iced. And that ain’t no sweet cake, ha ha.

4. Scott Fucking Lively. Oh joy, the preacher-man who brought “Kill the Gays” legislation to Uganda is now trying to get Russia to do the same. Instead of fighting the gays as if they were Nazis, how about remembering what it was that the Nazis did to the gays…and recognizing that Russia is perilously close to the same? After all, this preacher is currently facing trial as a human rights abuser…

5. John Fucking McCain. Why?

That’s why. Playing games on the phone during a hearing on whether the US goes to war against Syria is a really cavalier fucking wank.

6. Betsy Fucking Karasik. So, teacher-student sex is supposedly harmless just because some of your friends did it with no apparent ill effect? Actually, Betsy, there were plenty of ill-effects, only you were all too fucking stoned to see them. It doesn’t have to lead to injuries or death to be a crime. First and worst, a pederast got away with molesting children. And don’t tell me that teachers who fuck students don’t favor them unfairly over their peers when it comes to marking, too. At the very least, it poisons the classroom atmosphere when everyone knows that Mr. So-and-So is sleeping with a student, and no one does shit about it. Bottom line, an adult who is in loco parentis has no business laying hands on their charges, EVER. It’s incest when a parent does it, and rape when a teacher does it. No ifs, ands, or “the times were different” buts.

7. Miley Fucking Cyrus, again. Nice non-apology, honey. You “made history” for all the wrong reasons. And the hell you “didn’t think about it” — that entire show was planned, choreographed and okayed at the highest levels. You’ve been dropping unsubtle hints for months that you’re a twerkin’ fool. You thought about it plenty, and you still went ahead with that pandering, racist shit. Because it made you a helluva lot more money than you honestly deserved. Of course, to admit THAT would be “overthinking”, wouldn’t it?

8. John Fucking Kerry. Whatever happened to the antiwar GI who came back from Vietnam to toss his medal ribbons on the Capitol steps in protest of a futile war, and who testified at Winter Soldier? Apparently marrying the heiress to the Heinz fortune changed his perspective. A LOT. Because now, he’s a warhawk with Syria in his sights. And now that he’s rich, he doesn’t have to worry about some poor or middle-class boy dying for his mistakes.

9. Richard Fucking Cohen. No, Miley’s twerking didn’t cause the Steubenville rape…that happened before she started doing that corny booty-dance. It’s post hoc, not propter hoc, you stupid old asshole. PS: RAPISTS cause rape. Period. End of story.

10. Theodore Fucking Shoebat. Well, it looks like his dad has passed the crazy down to the next generation. This makes a good case for the involuntary sterilization of all conservative religious fanatics does it not?

11. Craig Paul Fucking Cobb, again. Newsflash: “White Separatism” IS racism. And no, Jews didn’t invent the word gay, nor did they invent its current usage. That would be gay people. And they didn’t do it to keep white people down, because NOTHING keeps a ruling class down. Except maybe stupidity, which is in rank abundance anyplace where neo-Nazis congregate, under whatever fucking name or “racialist banner”.

12. Gordon Fucking Klingenschmitt. John Jacob Jingleheimer is getting perilously close to busting that aneurysm. He’s telling wedding photographers to fuck up their work in the name of Christ, and then warns that they’ll all be bankrupted and starve to death. Well, yes, if that’s the way they’re going to be, they will. And they will have it coming, too.

13. Bryan Fucking Fischer. Can you say ANACHRONISM, kiddies? I knew you could, and I know he can’t. For the record, there were no gay bars in München until the late 1960s or early 1970s; until then, German gays just hung out in the same bars as everyone else, drinking the same beer and getting loud and obnoxious the same damn way. Someone please give this stupid fucker a history lesson.

14. Vladimir Fucking Putin. Next thing you know, Pooty-Poot will be telling us some of his best friends are gay. Nope, I’m still not buying it.

15. Linda Fucking Harvey. But hey, if all his gay friends desert him, isn’t it nice to know that Pooty-Poot will still have American comrades in institutional homophobia?

16. William T. Fucking Woodward. Want evidence that the Bush Doctrine (and Florida’s “Stand Your Ground” law) is a great way to get away with cold-blooded murder? Here ya go. Florida Man, that motherfucker, has done it again.

17. David Fucking Barton. No, science and math don’t require fear of the Lord…or of anything else, either. What they require is that people not let fear and dogma stand in the way of learning…just like any other subject. Which, by the way, I’m pretty sure this God-botherer flunked.

18. Justin Fucking Bieber. I don’t care who she is, and I don’t care how much hip-hop you listen too, white boy — you do not get to use the N-word.

19. Alain Fucking Delon. Once he was a dashing French actor. Now he’s an old fuddy-duddy with sad opinions. But you know what’s sadder? Once, a gay guy “wooed” me, just like this guy says to do…and it didn’t work! He wound up marrying another man and adopting two kids with him. Yeah, that’s right…dashing French actor’s love advice FAILS. Who’d of thunk?

20. Robin Fucking Thicke. What’s that smoke I smell? Oh…it’s coming from his pants. Yeah, he played grab-ass with this younger woman who was not his wife and even stuck his tongue down her throat, and he wants us all to believe his wife was okay with it? Surrrrrre she was. And she’ll be even more okay with it when she gets back from her lawyer’s office. After she’s done with all the happy-married-couple fakery, of course.

21. Geraldo Fucking Rivera. Oh, the delicious irony of an egotistical geezer (who once ragged on black boys for their clothing choices, only to be shown repeatedly in a hoodie) getting slut-shamed over a selfie. It’s just the gift that keeps on giving, eh?

22. Casey Fucking Smith. Funnily, black people don’t appreciate having their neighborhoods characterized as the “bad” part of town. Or listed on a website (now defunct, ha ha) that “tracks” ghettos.

23. Shemane Fucking Nugent. Congratulations, you’re an idiot. Everything you’ve done so far (especially your choice in spouses!) is one big long bad life choice. You are the embodiment of all that is wrong with your country. And you make the case for stricter handgun controls just by existing.

24. Courtney Fucking Stodden. Anyone surprised to see her shilling for PETA? Didn’t think so. They have a long and misogynous history of using heavily surgically enhanced women (who are famous for reasons even flimsier than their clothes) to make their case for veganism — or putting people off it, more likely. And by the looks of things, Courtney’s had a few more things “done” since we saw her last. It is not an improvement. If she could get it all undone, that would be nice. If she could just go away and never be heard from again, that would be nicer. (The same must also be said for PETA, in all fairness.)

25. Robert Fucking Pattinson. Method actor, or just a very literal Hollywood wanker? I know which one MY money is on…

26. Pat Fucking Robertson. Not only is Patwa a filthy old charlatan who’s made a very tidy fortune from playing on people’s darkest fears, he’s also one who’s made a very tidy fortune from meddling in the political affairs of deepest, darkest Africa. And during the Rwandan crisis, at that. Even to this day, he’s making bank off it…and threatening to sue anyone who tells the truth about what “Operation Blessing” really was. I hope he does, and I hope he loses. It might finally pull the wool off his flock’s eyes, and that could only be a Good Thing.

27. Rick Fucking Wiles. Oh noes, the gays are coming to kill us all! End Times! End Times! Cerebral hemorrhage about to blow! Man the pumps!

28 and 29. Jim Fucking Jordan and Tony Fucking Perkins. In case anyone seriously believes the Repugnican teabaggers and the Religious Reich are suddenly anti-war peace doves, you can forget it. They’re still as war-hawky as ever. And they think that the perfect way to fund a war on Syria…is to strip the federal healthcare budget. There are no words foul enough for the cynicism of these bastards.

30. Larry Fucking Pratt. Shorter: Government out of everything…except old age pensions for us gun-mad geezers! Hands off my Social Security, you commie pinko scum!!!

31. Glenn Fucking Beck. Can someone please bonk Biff on the head again? He’s developed a sudden case of amnesia. And he can’t for the life of him remember how it was that he and his fascist ilk are the ones who divided the country.

32. Kimberly Fucking Hall. Lady, if you’re so worried about your teenage sons’ virgin eyes getting prematurely deflowered by braless girls taking selfies in their jammies, here are some things you can do INSTEAD of slut-shaming all those girls: Unplug the family Internet. Take away the boys’ cellphones. And make them stop posting all those shirtless photos of themselves. Because girls have eyes too, you know!

33. Kenneth Fucking Cole. Marching to war on Syria? Think of all the shoes! And the best way to do that is to open mouth wide and insert foot, natch.

34. Thomas Fucking Kersting. Instead of teaching cash-strapped parents to take “personal responsibility” by starving their children at school, how about funding the school lunch program by getting rid of anyone on staff who thinks like this guy? Because let’s face it, hungry kids can’t learn, and neither can frazzled adults. But smug, overfed assholes? Yeah, they can afford to starve. Maybe then they’ll learn something about taking personal responsibility for what comes out of their mouths, for a change.

35. Adam Fucking Tang. Yeah, trying to set a road-racing record in Manhattan and then bragging about it on the Internets…great idea. Never mind the horrible example it sets, not to mention all the other drivers and innocent bystanders your little stunt endangers. Or the fact that all it takes is one unforeseen little something to send you careening to your own death. YOLOYOLOYOLO.

36. Dana Fucking Perino. Newsflash: the words “under God” weren’t always in the Pledge of Allegiance. And the pledge didn’t always exist, either. I’m willing to lay good odds that more than a few of the Founders were unbelievers. Anyway, when’s the last time the dumbest blonde after the Coultergeist ever darkened the door of a church? If you don’t like inclusivity and freedom of thought, Dana, you can always move yourself!

37. Alexei Fucking Zhuravlev. For anyone still hoping that the Russian “gay propaganda” law was limited to the public sphere, you can now get stuffed. They really ARE out to get the gays, and they’ll do it one law at a time. Today they’re stripping them of their kids; tomorrow, it’ll officially be their lives. Bet on it.

38. Mike Fucking Huckabee. Peace activists who don’t want to come off as anti-black are “racist”? Wow, Hucky Fudd just set a whole new world record for sheer stupidity and cognitive dissonance there!

39. George Fucking Zimmerman. Is there yet to be a week when he doesn’t wank? This week he’s a two-fer: He was busted for speeding AGAIN, and his wife is (finally) leaving him for good because he really is a massive fucking dickhead. And oh yeah, he killed Trayvon just after she walked out on him earlier. Psychopath much?

40. Rush Fucking Limbaugh. Yeah, that’s right…the Pigman wrote a children’s book. Never mind that he has no kids and his program is not fit for children’s ears (or anyone else’s, come to that). One wonders why he wrote it. I suspect his sex-tourist adventures in the Dominican Republic — a known pedophiles’ paradise — may have something to do with that!

And finally, to the fucking US Congress. Or rather, all of the fucking congresscritters who voted to bomb Syria. Funny how there’s always enough money and political will for another fucking war, but never enough for hospitals, schools, highways and all the other things it takes to, you know, actually get your country back on its feet again. Oh yeah, and WHERE ARE THE FUCKING JOBS? Don’t say “in the military”, unless you’re willing to tack the words “industrial complex” on the back end of that, because that’s certainly where all the money is going. Sweetest fucking scam EVER.

Good night, and get fucked!