News of the Restless

Crappy weekend, everyone! How are you all enjoying these dog days of summer? It may not be so hot where I sit, but it sure has gotten stupid enough for me. The wanks just never stop coming. And since it’s the silly season, I can’t catch a break. Especially not from THESE people:

1. Christina Fucking Andrews. Florida Man is about to get some serious competition in the Department of Crazy Shit…from Florida Woman. Nobody needs bigger boobs. But those who think they do, might do better to spend that money on self-esteem counselling instead. Unlike breast implants, it will never break down or need to come out in five to ten years’ time. And you won’t need to replace it with another pair of equally degradable implants, either.

2. Tim Fucking Armstrong. Firing at AOHell: Ur doin it rong. Bad dog! Bad! No Jerky Treats for you!

3. Justin Fucking Bieber. Serenading Grandma: Ur doin it rong, too. But hey — nice legs, Bieb!

4. Dana Fucking Rohrabacher. Global warming is a “total fraud”. Yeah, dude, that’s very credible. Even as the evidence mounts all around you, you just go right ahead and dig your hole deeper. With any luck, the sides will fall in on you and you will never be seen or heard from again.

5. John Fucking Hembling (and his unnamed fellow MRAsshole “manhood academy” interlocutor). Dude(s), that was the most tedious display of homoerotic homophobia and mutually misogynous hissyfittery I’ve seen in a long time. This might be a clue as to why you guys have no luck with the ladies. Who wants to be harangued by a woman-hating jackass with Daddy Issues? For that matter, who wants to take lessons in “manhood” from someone who has yet to graduate kindergarten? Now give me back those eight minutes of my life that you stole, and grow the fuck up. BOTH of you.

6. William J. Fucking Ihlenfeld. Why?

That’s why. It’s not “Don’t rape”, it’s “Don’t record rape”. Meaning, rape is actually okay as long as no evidence exists to spoil the rapist’s future prospects, apparently. Also, sign, sign, sign!

7. Rob Fucking Ford. How sweet, he visits his drug-dealing buddies in prison! Little wonder he can brag drunkenly on the Danforth that he’s got “blow”. He probably does have coke on hand. And I have a fair idea who he gets it from. PS: Aww, Dougie. How sweet of you to defend Robbo! Alas, FAIL.

8. Rush Fucking Limbaugh. I’m sorry, I can’t deal with his argument. The idea that global warming is something one merely “believes in”, like God or Easter Bunnies or Santa Clauses or Tooth Fairies, just has me laughing too damn hard. It’s no wonder conservatives have such a poor grasp of science, if these are the terms they prefer to think in.

9. Cathie Fucking Adams. Wow, anti-choicers really must be running scared if the sound of women fighting for their rights is like “evil emanating from the pit of hell” to them! And on that note, BOOGA BOOGA BOOGA.

10. Lu Ann Fucking Ballew. Why?

That’s why. Guess it’s time someone told Judge Reinhold, Prince Rogers Nelson and Madonna Louise Veronica Ciccone that their first names are invalid because they are not “names”, but “titles”. And let’s not get started on all the Latino kids named Jesús, either. PS: What do you bet that she wouldn’t have a problem with someone calling their kid “Adolf Hitler”?

11. Yelena Fucking Mizulin. So, the Russian government wants to ban cusswords online now, too? Well, you know what Lenny Bruce said: If you can’t say “fuck”, you can’t say “fuck the government”. But fortunately, I CAN say fuck, and I say FUCK THE RUSSIAN GOVERNMENT. Because between this and legislated homophobia, it is definitely out to fuck the people.

12. Rick Fucking Santorum. Icky Ricky Buttsploodge thinks using terms like “middle class” makes you a Marxist! Don’t tell him this, but the first place I ever heard that term was on “Happy Days”…a sitcom about as bourgeois as it gets. But hey, thanks, Icky, for pointing out one clear thing you have to believe to be a good capitalist stooge these days…the absurd notion that there’s no such thing as class distinctions in the United States of Amnesia.

13. Todd Fucking Snipes. Again with the “all black males are thugs” bullshit. Now hear this: Not all black males are thugs, even those who slouch around in saggy pants. Just as not all white guys in police uniforms are good guys. Relevant example: this dude right here.

14. Steven Fucking Anderson. Glory, glory, hallelujah, Pastor Foot-in-Mouth has piped up again. This week’s sermon? Boys will be boys, girls will be dependent, and everyone will be utterly fucking miserable. Yo, preacher? May Jesus smite you with infertility, like that fig tree that displeased him. You are one who should most definitely NOT be having kids.

15. Mark Fucking Kessler. You can take the Nazified fucker out of the cop shop, but you can’t take the Nazi out of him. Pity, because he really should see his doctor about that. Impacted Nazi head up the ass can lead to some nasty infections…

16. Louie Fucking Gohmert. Surprise, surprise, surprise! It’s Gomer, making another big pile of stupidity, right on the White House rug! And what do you know…it’s a massive projection, too! Meanwhile, out in reality, it’s worth noting that there has NOT been unprecedented “racial tension and violence”, because things were a lot quieter after the Trayvon trial farce than they were when Rodney King got the shit kicked out of him by the LAPD twenty years ago…and that incident, too, paled in comparison to the Watts riots of the mid-1960s. So yeah, Gomer, basically this is reality, fucking you. How ’bout THEM apples?

17. Pamela Fucking Wallin. So, lemme see if I got this straight, Pammy-wammy. You breaking the law is okay…as long as someone from the PMO is instructing you? That’s a new one. It’s also pretty damn incriminating, and not just for you.

PS: Oh dear, what have we here? A conflict of interest. Of course. PPS: Methinks the lady doth protest WAY too much.

18. James R. Fucking Edwards, Jr. Anyone who thinks Ozzie and Harriet represent anything like an ideal family, or even a typical one, really needs to get the fuck out of the 1950s. And anyone who thinks it’s okay to insult Latinos by comparing them adversely to those fictional characters really needs to get the fuck off of this planet.

19, 20 and 21. Michelle Fucking Malkin, Clayton Fucking Morris and Gretchen Fucking Carlson. Poor dears, they don’t understand what transgender means. Anybody want to educate them? Or rather, bang your head against a brick wall of utter incommprehension? Up to you…

22. Emil Fucking Chynn. The world’s smallest violin is playing for the world’s loneliest trophy-wife-seeker. In the hands of the world’s smallest perfect-but-not-too-perfect lady, of course. (Wouldn’t want to upstage this prize, after all.)

23. Paul Fucking Elam. Honestly, at this juncture, the man has become his own worst enemy, and his shit is so ridiculous that it writes its own parody. I have nothing to add. Nevertheless, I list him here for the sake of pointing out his wankdom to all who have not yet heard of this sorry excuse for a man. That is all.

24 and 25. Ted Fucking Nugent and Mike Fucking Huckabee. Don’t you guys think you’re carrying this lynch-mob redneck act a little too far? Jeez…either get a banjo or get a room, but in any case, just get the fuck off the air!

26. David Fucking Barton. Revisionist historian is now a revisionist weatherman, apparently. And just like all the rest of the rightard clown-car brigade, he can’t tell the difference between weather and climate. Guess he’s gotta branch out to try to stay relevant…although, by denying the obvious, he’s doin it rong.

27. Ken Fucking Cuccinelli. At this point, one can’t help but speculate whether he is in fact a closet case in dire need of a good coming-out. I dunno about you, but my gaydar is going woop woop woop!

28. Steve Fucking King. Oh dear. Looks like someone just made it painfully clear that the “grassroots” teabagger movement is, in fact, pure Kochtopus Astroturf! Next time you hold an anti-immigration rally, Stevie, why don’t you make sure it will actually have some attendees?

29. Jeff Fucking Miller. Climate change is not a religion. And that means no, God didn’t do it. But hey! Maybe you and #8 should get together. I’m sure you’ve got lots to talk about!

30. Darek Fucking Isaacs. And in other whackjobbity creationist news, here there be dragons. Dinosaurs explained! Or…maybe not.

31. Jessica Fucking Bennett. Y’know, Sheryl Sandberg (and all those other well-meaning fools telling women to “lean in”, etc.), maybe if you offered internships that actually paid, and paid a living wage, women wouldn’t be so far behind men on the earning scale. Just a thought.

32. Bryan Fucking Goldberg. And in other “Ur doin feminism rong” stories, there’s this guy. Champion of women’s rights? Ha. Chumpion is more like it.

33. Ken Fucking Hutcherson. Oh dear. Looks like someone doesn’t know his civil rights history! Look up Bayard Rustin, dude…you might be surprised that Dr. King, though no “queen”, had absolutely no problems with his openly gay right-hand man.

34. Paul Fucking Wieland. Oh noes, your poor widdle religious liberties are being trampled by slutty, slutty women using their health insurance to buy birth control! And you’ve got your long-suffering wife suckered into protesting (and making your three — ONLY three? — daughters’ life hell) with you, too. Isn’t that sweet? Except that people using birth control is no business of yours, and I don’t hear either of you complaining about all those slutty, slutty dudes using their insurance to buy Viagra. Sexist much? Fuck off, both of you.

35. Gordon Fucking Klingenschmitt. John Jacob Jingleheimer has been jerkin’ it mighty hard this week. He’s seeing demons to be exorcised everywhere, EVERYWHERE! In Obama! In Wendy Davis! In his mother’s vagina, no doubt! Well, here’s my equally amateurish diagnosis of “Dr. Chaps”, since he seems determined to diagnose everyone else with devil-itis: Sounds to me like temporal lobe epilepsy, running out of control. Perhaps a temporal lobotomy will help?

36. John Fucking Gentile. For a right-wing radio ad peddler, he sure has a “descent” command of the English language. And yawn yawn, again with the FREEZE PEACH and the Amurrican dream (which George Carlin defined rather nicely). But hey! At least now he knows the power of the consumer dollar…the Pigman cost his radio station so much ad revenue that it had to be sold at a loss. Ha, ha.

37. Jason Fucking Simione. Move along folks…nothing to see here. Just another Responsible Gun Owner™, abiding the law. And calling his own president a nigger, and uttering death threats against him. And also uttering death threats against his soon-to-be-ex-wife and her family, and even his own child, of whom he will now NOT be receiving custody. And speaking of custody, guess whose his stockpiled guns are now in. Ha, ha. PS: Oh yeah, I forgot to mention: FLORIDA MAN STRIKES AGAIN!

38. Larry Fucking Pratt. And in other gun-nut news, guess who is a big fan of the “Trayvon Martin was a thug” bullshit theory of victimology? Yup, HIM. He also considers black people to be “racists”, and the Attorney General of the US to be trying to keep poor, oppwessed white people from defending themselves against “black mobs”. Do you suppose he’s also a big fan of Stand Your Ground?

39. Gordon Fucking Chaffin. Dude, please stop quoting Thoreau, Goethe and those fucked-up acid-trippers who wrote the bible. In fact, please stop quoting yourself. Because really, nobody wants to hear your Deep Thoughts. For one thing, they’re not that deep. Especially not the shit about women, which is frankly just fucking cranky. And creepy. Really fucking creepy.

40. Russell Fucking Simmons. A Harriet Tubman SEX TAPE? Srsly, WTFFF??? I’m not sure if it’s just racist, just sexist, or just both. But any way you slice it, it’s just NO. NO. NO!!! PS: That non-apology is also a big fat fucking no-no. It’s “I’m sorry I demeaned Harriet Tubman”, not “Sorry if people r hurt :-(” Dude, you are older than me. I know these things. Why don’t you?

41. Dan Fucking Perrins. Using lesbophobia to combat homophobia in Jamaica? Sounds like just the sort of thing a clueless white MRAsshole dude would do. Promoting misogyny via a poor grasp of LGBT issues has got to be some kind of new low for the MRAssholes. Next up: Flagrant racism. Betcha!

42. Conrad Fucking Black. Oh looky here…another setback for Lord Blah-Blah. The SEC has barred him from sitting on any board of directors in the US of A. I guess membership in Club Fed really DOES have its privileges! Ha, ha.

43. Orson Scott Fucking Card. Surprise! He’s not just another homophobic religious rightard in magic underwear. He’s also a RACIST religious rightard in magic underwear. Lovely!

44. Bob Fucking Filner. Mayor Harassment is such a prolific wanker, he doesn’t know when to stop. Even your great-grandma isn’t safe from his gropey, grabby hands. Lock up yer grandmas!

45. Robin Fucking Thicke. Pop’s rapiest singer has sued the family of a long-dead Motown star over similarities between their songs. Shouldn’t that be the other way ’round? And shouldn’t Marvin Gaye’s family also sue him for desecration? I hope this little shitweasel loses.

46. Scott Fucking DesJarlais. Yes, Dr. Hypocritical Oath is back in the news, and once more, as you may have guessed, he’s a completely and utterly heartless prick. But you know who’s even worse, if such things are possible? Those teabagger assholes in the crowd who applauded him…for scolding a little girl.

47. Elisa Fucking Chang. Anyone else struck by the irony of someone whose ancestors were subject to exclusion laws, now drawing up an exclusion law against the queerfolk of her city? Ah. I knew I couldn’t be alone in this…

48. Sydney Fucking Leathers. Your fifteen minutes are up, kiddo. Time to mosey off home. And please, if you’re going to sext the Baby Jeezus, don’t alert the media!

49. Peter Fucking Shih. You don’t like San Francisco; yeah, yeah, we get it. And San Francisco doesn’t like YOU. See how that works?

50. Ken Fucking Buck. Why?

That’s why. Abortion might not be “relevant” to brown-toothed geezers who clearly have nothing to worry about when it comes to sexytimes, but it is quite relevant to the half of the human race for whom unplanned pregnancies can be not only a life-changer, but a life-wrecker.

And finally, to the Fucking International Olympic Committee. Do you people even read your own damn charter? If you did, you might actually support athletes who came out in opposition to Russia’s anti-gay law. Or for that matter, the athletes who came out against racism, back in the day. Or sexism. Or Nazism. Instead, you’d rather just silence them and collect your billions. Gawd, you people have a long history of not rocking boats that deserved a thorough capsizing, don’t you? Maybe a widespread boycott of your sponsors will wake you up out of your slumber at long last. It’s in the works, believe me.

Good night, and get fucked!

Crappy weekend, everyone! This week, seeing as it’s “Shark Week” on certain channels, we go hunting for the Great White Snark. It’s lurking all around us, and often right under our noses. And look! I see some fins circling now. And in no particular order, here they are:

1. Alan Fucking Thicke. If you want to know where his son got the douchebag genes, just take a look at the old man. He literally cannot see the sexism in a song (and video) that is all about the dirty old man on the porch, yelling at passing girls. That surname is a literal description of his skull, kiddies.

2. Robin Fucking Thicke. And if you want to know just how much douchebaggery is in those genes, clicky the linky. And keep your barf bag close at hand.

3. Scott Fucking Hounsell. Anthony Weiner’s political career may well be toast at this point, thanks to his seriously stupid sexting habits. But at least Weiner only (deliberately) inflicted his schlong pix on adults. This stone-thrower’s glass house has considerably thinner walls, since he sent HIS dirty messages to a minor — a girl who is literally half his age. Isn’t that just so Repugnican? Too bad his name doesn’t lend itself nearly so well to dirty puns.

4. Scott Fucking Pollock. I’m trying very hard to find le mot juste for guys who organize “gang bangs” for a living, but so far all I can come up with is pimps. And also, EWWWWWWWWWWWW.

5. Erick Fucking Erickson. And while we’re on the subject of schlubby gross sex-obsessed dudes and what to call them, how about this one? He called Wendy Davis an “Abortion Barbie”. I call him a maggot-infested side of rancid pork. Sorry, that’s not very concise…but you have to admit that it IS accurate.

6. Peter Fucking Dowling. On the other hand, I have no problem at all coming up with a fitting word for this dumb prick, who sent his mistress a photo of his penis in a glass of wine: PLONKER!

7. Richard Fucking Cohen. Breaking and entering for a bit of nookie — with Peter Jennings’ wife? Wow, the WaHoPo’s creepiest resident Dirty Old Man just entered a whole ‘nother level of creepitude by gratuitously sharing THAT shenanigan with the world. And just think, girls, this is the same greybeard who laments that no one less than half his age will look at him anymore, because they’re all too obsessed with the abs of the latest James Bond. Don’t you just feel so sorry for him?

8. Pamela Fucking Geller. Shorter: WAAAAAAAAA! The York Regional Police won’t let me spout racism and bullshit with impunity in Canada! FREEZE PEACH!!! KILL ALL THE MUSLIMS!!!1111elebentyhundredeleben!!!

9. Eddie Fucking Lucio. Gloria Steinem once said that if men could get pregnant, abortion would be a sacrament. But since it isn’t, obviously, some guys have to find other ways to fill their godless hours…and this one decided that the best way to do it would be to impose one more hoop for Texas women to jump through en route to an abortion. Like they didn’t already have way too fucking many.

10. Shimon Fucking Gapso. Yup, you’re a racist. And the state of Israel is an apartheid state. Now quit yer kvetchin’ and face reality. A major part of that reality is the irony of your own position, which is based solely on the content of a very dodgy and self-contradicting old book proclaiming itself to be “the law”. And “I have Arab friends, therefore I can’t be racist” is also ironic, considering what you’ve couched it in. The biggest irony of all is that your Arab friends find you tolerable when you get on your rickety high horse like that.

11. Pat Fucking Robertson. Oh Patwa…reality-impaired as usual. No, killing someone in a video game is NOT the same as doing so in reality. If that were the case, I would have been a ghost-ridden teenage pillhead from playing Pac-Man. Sadly, I’m sane and sober…which is more than we can say for woo-woo Patwa.

12. Gordon Fucking Klingenschmitt. John Jacob Jingleheimer…ahem, sorry (not sorry). This one’s off the deep end, too. Instead of selling one’s clothes and buying a gun that would be absolutely fucking useless against the motherfucking US military, how about wearing your clothes and turning off hate radio? That would rather conveniently keep you from becoming a government target, too.

13. Barbara Fucking Hewson, again. Was she never 13 (years old, that is, not wanker number)? Was she never sexually assaulted? Because I remember all too clearly what I was like at that age, and it certainly wasn’t a sexual aggressor (furthest thing from it!). Worse, I was all too aware of guys who were old enough to be my father, or grandfather, creeping on me. The idea that girls go around routinely seducing poor helpless older men is just a pile of horseshit; even if they wanted to (and most, believe me, do NOT), doesn’t the bastard have any control over his own hands and zipper? And isn’t he old enough to just plain know better? And of all people who should know better than to blame a victim, shouldn’t a woman? And just think, kiddies, she’s a human rights attorney. If she has any sense of decency left, she should surrender her law licence. But what am I saying? Of course she won’t, because she doesn’t. Urrrrrgh.

14. Robert Fucking Colover. And just as a bookend to the foregoing, there’s him. How fucking obtuse does one have to be to believe that a teenage girl and a 41-year-old man are on a level playing field, and that she is therefore “fair game”? And just think, kiddies — this one was the prosecuting attorney in that rape case. If HE’s not clear on the concept, no one is. And that includes…

15. Nigel Fucking Peters. Yes, kiddies, that’s right. The JUDGE. Whose judgment is also apparently impaired by the concept of teen temptresses. Dare we speculate what kind of porn HE likes to watch?

16. Bob Fucking Filner. Gee, isn’t it great to know that he’s so much more than just a grubby grabber who gropes everybody, including disabled Iraq veterans’ nurses? Yeah! He’s also a totally xenophobic racist. One could say he’s versatile that way.

17. Rhonney Fucking Jacobs. All cases of gun-totin’ road rage should end with a bloody self-inflicted gunshot wound to the nether regions. Don’t you agree?

18. Sandy Fucking Rios. Last week she wanked by claiming that gays are perverts like Ariel Castro; this week she wanks on her efforts to walk that back. Only, of course, she didn’t. She still thinks they’re perverts, but that they can choose to go straight. No. No, they can’t. And no. No, they aren’t. Which means that yes, she’s STILL a fucking wanker.

19. Gwen Fucking Landolt. For once, Squealer Baird does something a wee bit right. (Yes, I know. I’m just as shocked as you.) And does that make the mean matriarch of R.E.A.L. Women happy? No, because it’s full of Teh Ghey. And Teh Ghey is anathema maranatha, don’tcha know?

20. Robert Fucking Emmett. And people wonder why I spend so much of my time in pants? Two words: UPSKIRT VIDEO. And oh yeah: this one’s a ninth-grade teacher. Just the kind of person you’d want to trust in loco parentis with teenage girls, eh?

21. Robert Fucking Delisle. So, how does it feel to be $8,000 poorer thanks to a “bum” you insulted in a vile e-mail to the management of the local liquor store? I don’t know about you, but I’m just loving the Schadenfreude and the karmic appropriateness of it all. The only thing that could be better is you facing at least one of the very fates you prescribed for people like her. Just, y’know, so you know how it feels.

22. David Fucking Matas. Including Israel in the new Museum of Human Rights is supposed to be ironic, right? Because that would be like including South Africa during the era when Nelson Mandela was in prison.

23. Stephanie Fucking Banister. A little birdie told me that she is Australia’s answer to Sarah Palin. I have to ask that little birdie: If she is the answer, what the fuck was the question?

24. Derek Fucking Medina. This one has got to be the ultimate Florida Man. He’s not only a murderer for shooting his wife, he’s a wanker for posting the bloody picture of her body on Facebook…AND claiming he was the abused one, AND for writing a slew of loopy-doopy self-published books on how he saved people’s lives and marriages. (Yes, really.) Can hardly wait for the MRAs to pounce all over his claim of abuse (she said, dripping snark all down her t-shirt…)

25. Richard Fucking Dawkins. This week, the guru of atheism finally revealed his true religion: Assholism.

26. Gregg Fucking Jarrett. Someone please inform this dolt that the Cold War is over. And that the Czechs and the Poles don’t WANT nukes on their soil, no matter whose. One whistleblower does NOT an excuse for nuclear escalation make.

27. Scott Fucking Dennis. One does not go calling the Ontario Ombudsman a “douche bag” (among other insults, some of them ethnic) for criticizing some obviously deserving police misconduct, like the shooting of Sammy Yatim. Or a Toronto city council member. Especially not if one is oneself a cop. Glass houses, etc.

28. Frank Taaffe. Just another racist “do-gooder” with a criminal record, on the neighborhood watch. Little wonder he was out there defending George Fucking Zimmerman tooth and nail on TV. The reprehensible thing is that none of those crapaganda presstitutes ever did a background check on him. Or his other racist buddies. Oh, and get this: For all his wanking on about how blacks are all absentee fathers, guess what he himself is? Yup. One of those. I would as soon let this asshole guard my neighborhood as let a coyote guard a henhouse.

29. Buck Fucking McKeon. If you can’t tell a Latino from an Arab, you’re living proof of how racists all haz Teh Stoopid. And if you think Arab terrorists are disguising themselves as Latinos without puppy papers, you are hopelessly fucking paranoid.

30. Troy Fucking Ridling. If you’re going to steal a computer to look at porn, make sure it doesn’t come from your church. And don’t go asking for the porn-blocking software to be removed, either.

31. Rush Fucking Limbaugh. For the Pigman to be calling Oprah Winfrey fat is…well, pot-kettle. Way to cover your huge racist ass, too, Rusty. Guess someone whose media empire is sinking is jealous of the caring black lady whose star is still on the up-and-up.

32. Anthony Fucking Weiner. What, have you never heard a British accent before? Well, at least this gaffe doesn’t involve the schlong, so I guess that’s worth something.

33. Tom Fucking Cotton. Yes, a person’s past should come back to haunt him…at least if his past is characterized by anywhere near as much rampant stupidity as this one’s is. After all, his career as a Repugnican politician IS totally predicated on it…

34. Satoshi Fucking Kanazawa. Oh joy, I was wondering when he’d pop up again. Psychology Today‘s resident racist sex-essentialist has piped up to tell smart women to start churning out more babies, or the whole human race is doomed, DOOMED, DOOOOOOOOOOOMED! Um, dude…has it ever occurred to you that the smart ladies are just setting a good example for their less brilliant brethren and sustren by not having more children than they can afford to raise? Considering that the planet is already overpopulated, that’s a very wise thing to do. For that matter, have you ever heard of epigenetics? Are you not aware that genes don’t tell the whole story? Do you even bio? Yeah, dude, that’s right…brains are dependent on ever so much more than just crawling up out of the right gene pools. And yours, clearly, were pulled from your rectal orifice.

35. Jake Fucking Vale. I never heard of him till this week, but now I see that I shall have to keep an eye on this one. Unfortunately, for all the worst reasons…like perpetuating rape culture and trying to pass a crime off as a joke. No, Jake, grabbing random girls and dragging them off while ignoring their protests is NOT funny. And it’s not harmless, either. Ask anyone who’s ever been kidnapped or known someone who was. Like, say, Amanda Berry, Gina DeJesus, and Michelle Knight. Tell THEM to get a sense of humor, why don’t you.

36 and 37. Franklin Fucking Hartley and Thomas Fucking Merenda. Here’s a thought, fellas: Instead of pulling women over and raping them and then forcing them to punch one of you in the dick to make it look like she fought so you won’t get arrested, how about you just punch each other in the dick and get what you both deserve?

38. James Fucking Conley. No, Jimbo, lust is not the reason why Ariel Castro kidnapped those three girls. Try misogyny and a desire to control other people. Which, incidentally, is the stuff you sanctimonious Christers trade in all the time.

39. Bernie Fucking Madoff. Surprise! He was into bunga-bunga, too. I’m sure you’re all shocked, SHOCKED as I am…haha…oh, who’m I kidding? This dude is EXACTLY the kind of guy who could never get laid unless he paid. And even then, I’m sure the ladies were constantly sidestepping him.

40. Rob Fucking Ford. Was he sloshed at Taste of the Danforth? Oh, probably. Just as with the crack-smoking video, there is nothing I would put past Robbo anymore. Besides, it’s not like he doesn’t have an established record of this sort of thing.

And finally, to the Fucking NSA. Sorry, guys, but your cat’s out of the bag. Your bird has flown the coop. The horse has not only left the barn, it’s many a mile down the road by now. Firing 90% of your sysadmins will NOT contain the whistleblower problem. He’s in Russia, remember? And no, I don’t believe a single “reassuring” word you say, either. Ever wonder why? I think this might contain a few clues.

Good night, and get fucked!