Crappy weekend, everyone! Well, how about that hollow “victory” in Libya? And how about that summary execution of Gaddafi? The Libyan people will celebrate right up until the IMF comes in to take its pound of flesh (read: OIL) from every one of them, which should be any minute now. (Enjoy it while you can, folkies, it’ll be the last celebration you have until you get that monster off your necks. And if you thought Gaddafi was bad, you ain’t seen nuthin’ yet.)
But hey, that not-so-instant replay of the Saddam Hussein “spider hole” thingy was, admittedly, a bravura touch. Gave the media some nice ratty metaphors they could use; the whores do appreciate it. Saves them having to think hard about what to write, and we all know how lazy THEY are! Personally, though, I’m not going to join the necrophilic orgy of “Ding Dong, the Dictator is Dead”. For one thing, I’m not a ghoul; I aspire to better things. For another, I know already what’s in store for Libya following this so-called revolution, and people, it is gonna suck ass. Just like the following, in no particular order…
1. Kim Fucking Silver. Can’t find incriminating photos of a current movement going on (still!) on Wall St.? Scratch up something old (and from another city!) that looks vaguely “right”, and make shit up about it. Hell, who’ll ever know, what with the Internets so interconnected and people on Facebook all talking to each other about what a fucking liar you are?
2. Andrew Fucking Breitbart. Nope, not dead of cirrhosis yet. And won’t be soon enough.
3. Dominique Fucking Strauss-Kahn. Implicated in a cross-border sex trafficking ring? Color me so unsurprised. You can’t leave this man alone in a room with anything even remotely construable as female, it seems. In fact, I wouldn’t put it past him to hump the furniture. Or a knothole in a board.
4. The Fucking Nazis of Aryan-fucking-zona. Figures that they’d be at a counterdemo against the Occupy Wall Street movement. Also figures that they’d show up in their ass-ugly uniforms, carrying ass-ugly guns, and spouting ass-ugly anti-Mexican ideology. Most horrifying, the local police did nothing to stop them, and that’s the other thing that figures. They are all fascists. And fascists are all fucking capitalists. And don’t you fucking forget it.
5. Mike Fucking Huckabee. I missed this wank, which came last Friday. But I’m sure you’ll agree it merits mentioning when I tell you that the former governor of Arkansas is counselling union-busting voters to disrupt democracy with some deeply illegal tactics. Is there not some federal law or constitutional amendment forbidding interference with anyone trying to exercise their right to vote? Why, yes…in fact, there are several!
6. Mitt Fucking Romney. Remember that this is a man who lost a close female relative to an illegal abortion…a procedure that would not have killed her had a safe legal one been available. But Mittens is still dogma-bound and hypocritical enough not to give a shit if women die, and clueless enough to counsel a woman with a life-threatening blood clot to stay pregnant, even if it kills her (AND her fetus in the process). You can’t be president of a country if you don’t care whether 51% of the citizenry have lives worth protecting. It is that simple.
7. Robert Fucking Bork. Now there’s a name that hasn’t been in the news for a while. But thanks to Mittens, it is. And if you wonder whether Mittens’ antifeminism is either a fluke or due to simple cluelessness, it’s neither. He picked this bastard as his advisor for a reason. And the denial that women are being discriminated against, even when contrary evidence is everywhere you look (including in Mittens’ own dealings, see above) is a key part of that. Bork is a defender of privilege and a denier of all forms of discrimination and disadvantagement. And he’s just one more reason why Mittens isn’t fit to govern.
8. Joe Fucking Scarborough. “First they ignore you, then they laugh at you, then they fight you, then you win.” Most of the 1%ers (and their dumbass lackeys in the right-wing whore media) are already at “fight you”, but Joe Ladykiller is behind the times a titch. The joke will be on him soon enough, not to worry. “Then you win” is right around the corner. Just a little more “fight you” still to go!
9. Pat Fucking Robertson. Still waiting for Cthulhu to call him home. Or is it Mammon? Same difference. Remember, he does NOT serve God. PS: O Evil One, whichever you are, could you please hurry it up? This is getting fugly.
10. The Fucking NYPD. Arresting a woman for closing her Citibank account? Jayzus. Why not arrest the fucking banksters for trying to rip her off? Oh yeah…what am I saying? Too fucking obvious. DUH!
11. Peter Fucking Worthington. Harpo, the most protested Canadian head-of-state in history, is our “beloved Prime Minister”? Uh-oh, someone’s angling for a Senate appointment, I see. Better make yourself presentable first, Peter. And wipe that brown stuff off your nose, that’s disgusting.
12. Rick Fucking Santorum. Speaking of disgusting brown stuff, Icky Ricky is in the news again. This time for being clueless about the difference between satire and bullying. Hey Man-on-Dog, I might believe that the left has been bullying you on the day you actually kill yourself over it. Until then, sit down, shut up, and suck it up already, you fucking wimp. PS: Yeah, dying sounds like a real good idea.
13. Pete Fucking Lepine. Tasering an 11-year-old kid is bad enough. But justifying it? Can’t be done. If your officers aren’t sufficiently trained in conflict resolution and peaceful disarmament techniques, they aren’t responsible enough to wield a potentially lethal electrocution gun, either.
14. Herman Fucking Cain. Y’know, man, if I were you, I wouldn’t be so proud of being butler to the Brothers Koch. STILL. PS: Oh surprise, Uncle Herman is one of those who believe in “life from conception”. Which begs the question: Are eggs and sperm dead, then? Because if “life” begins at conception, shouldn’t it start with living ingredients? Or am I missing a piece of the right-wing junk science puzzle here? PPS: No, Lady Macbeth, you can’t wash off Teh Ghey.
15. Bill Fucking Keller. Another gay teen kills himself because of homophobic bullying? Do what all the fucking dickweeds do, and blame the obvious culprit: the GAYS! And oh yeah: the “selfish” person who killed himself. Makes sense.
16. Janet Fucking Mefferd. The Grand Religious Reich Kook Conspiracy Theory of Everyfuckingthing: She haz it! And hey: “Going out in the woods, beating the drum and worshipping an owl”? Isn’t that what the old establishment fogies who go to Bohemian Grove do? Why yes, it IS! And lord knows, some of them are Religious Reich, too. I think Ms. Traditional Values is just miffed because the traditional values of the Old Boys’ Club that is the power elite have excluded her, in spite of her tidy cottage industry of criminalizing all things progressive, onaccounta she’s a woman. Poor Janet, they just don’t appreciate!
17. Michael Fucking Daragjati. Falsely charging someone with resisting arrest is surely heinous enough. Doubly so when it’s a black man (stopped and frisked, apparently, while black). And triply so when you describe the whole awful episode thus: “Another nigger fried, no big deal.” Well, maybe not for you, it ain’t…but for him, it kind of is.
18. Leon Fucking Panetta. Being questioned by a member of the public, in what should be a PUBLIC hearing, is an “assault”? And the questioner has to be arrested and jailed for simply uttering a few off-message words? How did this delicate flower ever manage to rise as high in the world as he has?
19. Rush Fucking Limbaugh. Nope, still no cerebral hemorrhage yet for the Pigman, who supports terrorist criminals in Africa (naturally.) Maybe Matt Taibbi and Dylan Ratigan really SHOULD get together and conspire against him, just to speed things along.
20. Thomas Fucking Ryan. Why does this so-called “cybersecurity expert” look like a fucking right-wing dick? Because he IS one. He infiltrated a peaceful movement and leaked private e-mails to Bitefart, the FBI and the NYPD. And if you see an overfed-looking, dickish guy in New York, who seems to be paying an inordinate amount of attention to all that’s being said or done, consider yourselves warned.
21. Ralph Fucking Reed. Someone please hand this man a copy of the New Testament, and point him to all the passages in the Gospels where that dirty fucking hippie, Jesus, told the rich man to sell his extra goods, and kick the money into the common pot for the good of all. There’s not a word in there about how helping the poor (through government or whatever) could possibly constitute taking away “liberty”. Jesus was a socialist, no two ways about it. If this asshat is going to style himself some sort of Christian leader, the least he could do is familiarize himself with what the man he claims to follow actually SAID.
22. Pat Fucking Buchanan. His latest book is one big fat fucking wankload of glutinous old white male self-pity. Let us hope it is also his LAST.
23. Bristol Fucking Palin. Now why didn’t I get to celebrate my 21st birthday with a caribou hunt? Oh yeah…I don’t live in Alaska. I don’t play with guns. And I don’t feel any need to pretend that I eat caribou.
24. and 25. Pamela Fucking Geller and Robert Fucking Spencer. Awwww, they were forced to move their widdle islamophobic tea dance to another location! My heart bleeds. The only way this news could have been better is if the shindig had been cancelled due to lack of attendance.
26. Melissa Fucking Brookstone. Openly calling for business owners to (further) wreck the economy by not hiring? Even by teabagger standards, that is way beyond fucking stupid. Especially since anyone found to be participating in this antidemocratic (and anti-Democratic) exercise can be outed on the Internets and see their business boycotted. Like, oh, say, Melissa Fucking Brookstone, for starters.
27. Keith Fucking Ablow. The only cure for gender dysphoria is to bring the physical body into line with the mind, not the other way around. Unfortunately, FUX Snooze’s resident “sexpert” (note quotes) never learned this in school. Which begs the question: where the hell did he get his MD — a Third World diploma mill?
28. Ezra Fucking Levant. “Ethical Oil” is just like “clean coal” or “safer cigarettes”. In other words, it’s solely a product of the fever-swamp imagination of our resident schmuckster, who stands to make big money convincing us that it really exists. What’s next on his lobbying to-do list, I wonder — selling the world on water “purified” by fracking?
29. Richard Fucking Williamson. Fancy a Christ-killer bishop blaming the Jews. Know what other prominent Catholic did that?
30. Bill O’Fucking Reilly. What the troops need in Afghanistan: Basic necessities such as soap, civvies, and non-perishable food. What they don’t need: to be told who’s a “patriot”, by a fucking pinhead. Bravo to those who burned this dickweed’s crapaganda. That’s what I call keeping your camp clean!
31. Pierre Karl Fucking Péladeau. Y’know, for someone who’s received such an obscene amount of taxpayer money over the years to keep his crapaganda empire running, you’d think that he might be a bit more grateful, and a lot less of a whiny, paranoid little bitch. But what am I saying? Conservatives NEVER play the victim, right?
32. Licia Fucking Corbella. Never met a good fight she couldn’t piss on, that one. But she’s not in the 1%, even if she routinely fronts for them, and so the head she’s urinated on is none other than her own. She just doesn’t know it yet. Poor dear!
33. Steven Fucking Greenstreet. Gee, didn’t take long for this self-styled male ally of feminism to start rearing his dickish head. Here’s a quick lesson in Feminism 101, Steve: When you “celebrate” a group of women campaigning for social justice by reducing them to mere “hot chicks”, that’s exactly the kind of Male Gaze shit that we’re all frowning on. And for good reason. It belittles women, it divides them from male comrades as well as their “not so hot” sisters, and it makes light of their struggle. And that makes you neither an ally of feminism, nor a sympathizer to the occupation cause.
34. Donald Fucking Trump. Naked greed just opened its seedy raincoat and flashed us again. Ugh.
35. Phil Fucking Mitsch. If you’re gonna tell women (via your tweeter account, no less) to be whores in the bedroom, I do hope you’re paying your wife well for services rendered. That is all.
36. Philip Fucking Hammond. Naked greed just pulled down its dirty drawers and mooned us again. Ugh. Fucking disaster capitalists, they’re all alike. Gaddafi is barely cold in his meat locker, and already the vultures are circling over Libya, drawing up plans for a new Treaty of Versailles. Because we all know how well that worked out for Germany after World War Fucking One, don’t we?
37. Michelle Fucking Bachmann. There are two reasons the teabaggers didn’t leave any trash behind after their sad little rallies: (a) there weren’t that many of them squatting around in the first place, and (b) they all had to get home in time for “Dancing With the Stars”. Rimshot! PS: New Treaty of Versailles, again. Is this some kind of wingnut meme here?
38. Jim Fucking Flaherty. Someone please remind our perambulating garden gnome that “dreamy” is actually a very good, lovely, superlative adjective, frequently applied to handsome men (i.e., not Jimbo). And also that his billionaire cronies make more than enough to be taxed so that the government runs a permanent surplus, and they’d never miss the cash. How can a finance minister be so bad at both English AND math?
39. Harold Fucking Camping. In case you missed it, the Rapture passed us by again. And this old fart must not have faith in his own predictive abilities either, because he didn’t even give his employees the day off! Wonder when his next big miscalculation will be.
40. Marco Fucking Rubio. He hates Fidel Castro so much that his family left Cuba three whole years before the big barbudo came to power. How’s that for street cred?
And finally, on a personal note, to “Chickie Patriot”, whatever her real name is. I don’t know her from Adam’s housecat in real life, and only added her on Facebook because of a large number of trusted Internet friends in common. Had I known in advance what bag she came out of, I’d have blocked her much sooner. She claims to be a progressive, but her attitude and behavior lead me to doubt that very much. She is tetchy, unstable, apparently in need of medication, and above all, pathologically fond of trolling and then blocking people on Facebook, especially when they call her on her shit. And until this past week, I had the dubious fortune of having her clogging up my feed with numerous petty personal dramas in which she was invariably The Victim. The whole world is against Chickie Fucking Patriot, basically. And thus, everyone with whom she comes into contact will manage to mortally offend her at some point, and unwittingly become the villain in her melodrama-of-the-moment.
Well, I chanced to make a light-hearted remark on a post of hers to the effect that Andrew Dice Clay sucks. Which he does indeed, his “stand-up comedy” being based entirely in racism, misogyny, and cheap shots, peppered with one-liners probably cribbed from the mutterings of backstreet winos. I would say he’s all washed up, but that’s the wrong metaphor. I’ve cleaned funnier material than his out of my kitties’ litter box. (I did not, however, say any of this to her. I didn’t get the chance. Don’t think I don’t wish I had, though.)
And me oh my, didn’t she just let her knee-jerk fucking FLY! Didn’t laugh or shoot back in a similar spirit about how all our great Canadian comedic exports to her country (Mike Myers, Jim Carrey, Dan Aykroyd, the late great John Candy, etc.) sucked harder than the home-grown schmo. I would have been tickled if she had. But nooooo. She doused me with a shitstorm of unintentionally ironic insults. My favorite was her telling me to “get off your knees” (a position I have never given a BJ from and never will, but which makes me wonder about her — recall her fawning, remora-like attachment to the sexist prick of one Mr. “Dice” Clay). Told me I was an “uppity Canadian” (true that, and what of it? Like I said, no kneepads here!) and that I should get my ass “whooped” (by her and whose army?) And then she unfriended me without letting me get a word in edgewise.
And then I blocked her lunatic troll ass.
Look: This uppity Canadian makes no apologies for anything said in all honesty, good faith or innocent jest that offends a “friend” who is that fucking crazy, prejudiced and humorless, and that quick to fly off the handle. (The only thing I’m sorry about is that I didn’t tell her to fuck off a lot sooner.) People like that are just not worth putting up with. And at the end of the day, their withdrawal of “friendship” is no loss. But they are infinitely worth listing here, absolutely worth mocking, definitely worth blocking (sane Facebook friends, you are hereby encouraged to do so before she tries to add you). And will be mocked and blocked again, with pleasure, if any of them has the crass dumbassitude to show up on my turf and hurl any more gratuitous bitchery at me for just tellin’ it like it is. Fair warning.
Good night, and get fucked!
