Quotable: Fran Lebowitz on capitalism and democracy

Posted on November 5, 2011 by Sabina Becker

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Posted in Economics for Dummies, Quotable Notables | Comments Off on Quotable: Fran Lebowitz on capitalism and democracy

Festive Left Friday Blogging: Chavecito likes…

Posted on November 4, 2011 by Sabina Becker

According to Aporrea, Chavecito loves this Calle 13 song:

It isn’t hard to see why. Brilliant lyrics, and a bang-on message. If you’re not crying by the end of it, better check for a pulse.

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Posted in Festive Left Friday Blogging, Huguito Chavecito, Puerto Rico, Gente Pobre | 1 Comment

Stupid Sex(less) Tricks: No cuddling, please, we’re British

Posted on November 3, 2011 by Sabina Becker

Okay. Leaving out the obvious gender stereotyping that the media are crammed full of (guys don’t like to cuddle? Not in MY experience), it’s shit like this, Britain…

A staggering 32 per cent of UK females admit they can’t stand cuddling when in bed, but force themselves into a clinch to avoid upsetting their partner.

Despite this, 55 per cent of women admit they do manage to cuddle their man in bed every night – but usually allow them the briefest of hugs before rolling over to go to sleep.

An overwhelming 77 per cent of women admit to performing the ‘hug and roll’ manoeuvre – made famous by Ross in the hit American sitcom ‘Friends’ – where they hug their partner until he falls asleep, before quickly disentangling themselves, rolling over to claim their own bed space and falling asleep.

Almost half of all UK women admit they don’t like cuddling in bed because when they finally retire they just want to go to sleep.

One in five say they don’t like over-long personal contact with their partner, claiming that cuddling in bed makes them hot and uncomfortable.

A third of women give night-time cuddles just twice a week or less. And more than one in 20 admit they ‘hardly ever’ cuddle their partner.

And the statistic to make these cuddle-starved men weep? Close to one in 10 women admit they’d rather be checking Facebook in bed than cuddling their partner.

Owwwwwww! That is HARSH. Guess Merry Old England, for all the talk of drunken debauchery among the lads and ladettes, isn’t so merry after all.

If I had a hot guy to share a sack with, I might brag about it on Facebook…in the morning. Or maybe I’d be too busy still cuddling, which is even better than a brag. Let the whole world guess what’s keeping me from breathlessly updating my status, eh?

And another thing: what is up with the cuddles-vs.-sex dichotomy? That’s another piece of ginned-up media nonsense right there. Nobody says you can’t have both. In fact, I’m rather a fan of both. I can do them simultaneously, even. You’d be surprised how hot that gets…

But then again, I’m Canadian. And it gets cold on our long winter nights. We’re creative that way, I guess.

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Posted in Canadian Counterpunch, Merry Old England, Stupid Sex Tricks, The WTF? Files | 2 Comments

Cops Behaving Badly: Yeah, they blend RIGHT in.

Posted on November 1, 2011 by Sabina Becker

What? You didn’t think there’d be police infiltrators (or would-be infiltrators) at Occupy TO? Watch this, naïve soul…

Yeah, guys, you’re so discreet with your butch haircuts, your steroid builds, and your earpieces and walkie-talkies and cute widdle cellphone cameras. Next time, just wear your uniforms; it’s not as though you don’t stick out like sore thumbs anyway.

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Posted in Canadian Counterpunch, Cops Behaving Badly, Fascism Without Swastikas | 2 Comments

Harper Government™ in pocket of NRA, gun manufacturers. Also, stupid on crime.

Posted on November 1, 2011 by Sabina Becker

It’s getting shittier than ever to be a Canadian, and we are all hanging our heads and shaking them in shame. Because “free” trade (note the quotes) isn’t enough to sell our asses downriver, now Harpo & Co. have sold us out to the gun lobby.

Yes, really.

The powerful Ruger Mini-14 semi-automatic rifle used in the 1989 Montreal massacre and this summer’s Norway bloodbath.

Sniper rifles that can pierce light armour from a distance of up to 1.5 kilometres.

Or one that can drop a target two kilometres away.

They are all weapons that will soon be declassified under the Conservatives’ bill to kill the long-gun registry and freed from binding controls that now see them listed with the RCMP-run database.

They fall under the class of “non-restricted” weapons and they are about to become unregistered. Restricted or prohibited firearms such automatic assault rifles, sawed-off shotguns or handguns are not affected by the bill and would remain under current controls.

But under Bill C-19, the law would no longer require a licensed gun owner to hold a registration certificate for “non-restricted” weapons.

The Coalition for Gun Control, which has mounted the fiercest defence of the long-gun registry, says many are not the workaday rifles and shotguns used by “law-abiding duck hunters and farmers” that the Conservatives say should be protected from Orwellian gun control laws.

The coalition is still analyzing the legislation. But in information sent to the Star, its researchers point out that under the Conservative bill the Ruger Mini-14, the .50-calibre sniper rifle known as the Steyr-Mannlicher HS .50 — a sniper rifle that can pierce light armour from a distance of up to 1.5 km — and the L115A3 Long Range Sniper Rifle, which can accurately hit a target 2 kilometres away will no longer require registration certificates.

It pointed out that Canadian on-line gun merchants clearly classify menacing guns like the IWI Tavor TAR-21 5.56mm as non-restricted.

So far, much of the public reaction has been focused on the Conservatives’ plan to destroy all records now held on long-guns in the registry.

It’s a plan that registry advocates say is a throwback to four decades ago.

No, these “non-restricted” guns are NOT hunting rifles. Unless your prey is human — in which case you are, by definition, a fucking murderer.

And yes, this makes the Harper Government™ (which is NOT the Government of Canada) stupid on crime. Very, VERY fucking stupid.

The Conservative government’s decision to destroy records from the soon-to-be defunct long-gun registry sets “a terrible precedent” for the retention of historically important documents, says an organization representing Canadian archivists.

The Conservatives are continuing to stick by the provisions that would require the commissioner of firearms to destroy the database, as part of legislation that ends the registration of most rifles and shotguns.

The bill, C-19, specifically says that it overrides the Library and Archives Act, which requires written permission of the chief archivist before shredding records. The Association of Canadian Archivists said the government should reconsider the provisions that require destruction of the records and bypass existing rules on records retention.

“It sets a very dangerous precedent for future legislation,” said association president Loryl MacDonald. “It’s not exactly transparent at all if the government thinks it can do what is politically expedient and override.”

MacDonald said her group’s concern is not with the nature of the gun registry records themselves, but with a process she said undermines the government’s own practices for keeping records.

Archivists and bureaucrats typically meet to determine how long different kinds of government records should be kept. The Firearms Act, MacDonald said, required the gun registration listings be kept for 10 years after the “last administrative action” on each record.

“The government might proceed to go about over-riding other records schedules, and records that might have long-term value might be destroyed,” MacDonald said.

She noted that the government has not yet agreed to transfer future censuses to Library and Archives Canada. Statistics Canada resisted turning over the 1911 census to the Archives and only agreed when the Statistics Act was amended, under pressure from historians and genealogists. Firearms advocates say the government had no business collecting the long-gun registrations in the first place so the listings should be permanently erased.

And who are those advocates who hate the keeping of facts, data and statistics so bloody much? I’ll give you a broad hint: They’re NOT Canadian.

The National Rifle Association, a powerful lobbying group in the United States that advocates fewer gun controls, has been actively involved in trying to abolish Canada’s long-gun registry for more than a decade, CBC News has learned.

Documents and correspondence obtained by the CBC show the NRA has provided logistical and tactical support to organizations such as the Canadian Institute for Legislative Action (CILA), established in 1998 to lobby Ottawa to shut down the registry.

The NRA provides the Canadian gun lobby group with “tremendous amounts of logistical support,” and while the NRA’s constitution prevents them from providing money, “they freely give us anything else,” Tony Bernardo, an Ontario gun advocate and CILA’s executive director, said in Canadian Firearms Digest in July 2001.

In 2000, the NRA paid $100,000 for an infomercial about what it called “the Canadian situation” that aired on The National Network in the U.S., according to Bernardo, who appeared in the video.

Read the collection of documents the CBC gathered for this story.

It cautioned gun owners the registry was a government plot to find out how many guns there were in order to seize them and leave citizens helpless to defend themselves.

Bernardo, a frequent guest on NRA chat shows updating U.S. gun owners on the fight to kill the Canadian registry, said the NRA was instrumental in helping him set up his Canadian lobby group, CILA, the lobbying arm of the Canadian Shooting Sports Association (CSSA), and a mirror group of the Institute for Legislative Action, the NRA’s lobbying arm.

There you have it. The Harper Government™. NRA puppet. NRA stooge. Soft on guns. Soft on crime (there’s a shocker). Soft on Anders Behring Breivik. Soft on Marc Lépine. Soft on James Charles Kopp. Soft in the fucking head.

And unCanadian as hell.

PS: And no, gun nuts, your I-have-small-nads crowing and bullshit-based “opinions” (note quotes) will NOT be tolerated here. Fair warning.

PPS: And just to rub the anti-registry cult’s noses further in it, the federal privacy commissioner says the registry is not, in fact, intrusive. Nor is there anything wrong with the provinces preserving the information therein for their own use.

Next up, the Harper Government™ will table legislation abolishing all federal and provincial privacy commissioners.

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Posted in Canadian Counterpunch, Crapagandarati, Fascism Without Swastikas, Filthy Stinking Rich, Guns, Guns, Guns, Isn't It Ironic?, Isn't That Illegal?, Law-Law Land, Not So Compassionate Conservatism, The Hardcore Stupid, The United States of Amnesia | 8 Comments

Beware that “haunted house”. And “Jesus Ween”, too.

Posted on October 31, 2011 by Sabina Becker

Christ, what is it with the Religious Reich? Bad enough that they had to steal all our Old Religion holidays out from under us and try to turn them into things they are not. Now they’re relying on them as a source of crapaganda, with heavy overtones of gore-porn:

PASADENA, TX (KTRK) — A local church is using a haunted house to get what it says is an important message across. A local mother says her children not only heard the message, but they saw it as well — and she is not happy about it.

Linda Ybarra says she bought tickets to Hell House in Pasadena for her family this weekend. She didn’t expect that her son would see graphic scenes about going to Hell if they didn’t accept Jesus as their savior.

Ybarra says she and her 14-year-old son thought they’d get a good scare this Halloween at the haunted house, and she expected “the usual Halloween things. You know, zombies and ghouls and goblins. That kind of thing.”

But the horror fan says the experience her family got inside the haunted house left her feeling violated. She says she is upset that — under the guise of an ordinary haunted house — serious moral issues were raised that she has not yet had the chance to discuss with her child.

“There was a young lady lying on a gurney, and two nurses. And one of the nurses was reaching into the lady and pulling out a bunch of gunk, and throwing it on the floor,” Ybarra said, describing an abortion scene at the haunted house.

Ybarra says the actors were depicting far too realistic scenes about abortion, suicide and other sins. She says the Hell House flier’s warning about violent content was too vague for what patrons are walking into.

Um, nurses “reaching into the lady and pulling out a bunch of gunk, and throwing it on the floor” is NOT a realistic portrayal of what goes on during an abortion. Not even remotely. Do the organizers of this “Hell House” not realize that Jesus doesn’t like it when you lie?

Apparently not.

Pastor Lamont Melrose says this haunted house isn’t about scaring people with the idea of fake ghosts.

“The material we are using to scare people is reality,” Melrose said. “We want to give people the horror of what it is to go through an abortion. We want to give people the horror of what it is to deal with a rebellious son that commits suicide.”

Melrose explained that patrons aren’t allowed to turn back because of safety concerns in the small, dark space.

He says the mission of Hell House is to lure people to Jesus by the end of the show.

Fishers-of-men FAIL.

I think there needs to be a new Halloween awareness campaign. Not just a “beware of tampered candy/razor blades in apples” type thing, but “Beware of anything called a Hell House/run by fundamentalist preachers” type thing.

And on that note, kiddies, beware of Jesus Ween.

This Halloween, a Calgary-based Christian organization is asking Toronto households to respond to trick-or-treaters with a simple phrase: Jesus Loves You.

JesusWeen, a non-profit founded in 2002, promotes the distribution of Bibles and other religious paraphernalia to trick-or-treaters. The movement doesn’t intend to deprive children of sweets, but wants parents to also consider doling out Jesus-themed postcards and pamphlets.

The initiative is an “alternative for anyone who chooses not to celebrate Halloween, and especially for most Christians,” according to the JesusWeen website.

For the past few weeks, Toronto organizers have been petitioning churches and canvassing at local shopping centres. Roughly 500 area churches have been made aware of the program, said John Crowne of JesusWeen’s Toronto office. Other grassroots marketers have posted flyers in grocery stores and on car windshields.

The website states that 2011 efforts are focused on Toronto, Calgary and Edmonton.

JesusWeen also encourages participants to forego “evil”-looking costumes in favour of all-white attire.

I don’t know about you, kiddies, but just seeing that name makes me want to shout the praises of the Holy Cock.

Gimme dat ol’-time religion…and join me in a chorus of “What a Friend We Have in Venus”, won’t you?

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Posted in Canadian Counterpunch, Do As I Say..., Fascism Without Swastikas, Fetus Fetishists, Isn't It Ironic?, Pissing Jesus Off, The United States of Amnesia | 7 Comments

Music for a Sunday: Anyone here know how to Madison?

Posted on October 30, 2011 by Sabina Becker

Long live (???) camp. Tim Curry (as Dr. Frank N. Furter) always did have a certain je ne sais quoi. Remember, he seduces both Brad AND Janet.

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Wankers of the Week: Happy Hell-o-ween!

Posted on October 29, 2011 by Sabina Becker

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Crappy weekend, everyone! How are we enjoying this week from Hell? And Halloween is just around the corner, and with it, one may deduce, a zombie apocalypse. Between these people and the zombies, I know which ones I’d pick to hang out with…how ’bout you?

1. Silvio Fucking Berlusconi. Well, that was nice of him, explaining what “bunga bunga” really means. Means dancing. Nekkid, horizontal hokey-pokey dancing. We all know how that one goes, so no need for him to demonstrate the steps. Although I’m sure the old slutbucket is dying to.

2. and 3. Pamela Fucking Geller and Robert Fucking Spencer, AGAIN. Rejected, AGAIN! Is this the beginning of a hopeful new pattern? Let us pray. And yeah, Pam, please do work yourself into a “sharia-compliant” hernia about it. Bust a fucking blood vessel, girl!

4. Rick Fucking Perry. It doesn’t matter if His Barackness released his long-form birth certificate MONTHS ago…Gubnor Goodhair is still a birther lunatic. Kind of hard to posit oneself as a leader when one is so far behind the times, no?

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5. and 6. Robert and Diane Fucking Maresca. No, you do NOT get to trademark “Occupy Wall St.” and make money from it. Especially if you’re not actually participating in a demo, and clearly not opposed to the very problem you’re trying to make hay from. Plus, the name is already public domain, so no, you don’t get to privatize it. Does the irony of your bullshit completely elude you two fucking spongers?

7. Michael Fucking Lohan. Speaking of fucking spongers, how about this one? He’s famous for being the father of a young woman who, by now, is largely famous for nothing. Which makes him famous for nothing, too. And once more, his name is in the news, and you can bet your worn-out bottom dollar that he will try to capitalize richly, yet again, on all that fucking famous-for-nothing-ness. And in consequence, he thinks he’s entitled to BJs just any old fucking time, too. Because he’s Michael Fucking Lohan, bitches, and he’s famous for NOTHING! PS: Dr. Drew, FUCK YOU. Victim-blaming is unprofessional, to say the least.

8. Mark Fucking Block. Is it just me, or does he remind you of Cancer Man, too? Either way, what a shock — he IS a cancer. Of the body politic. Just like his employer, Herman Fucking “Wash Away the Gay” Cain.

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9. Rob Fucking Ford. Finally, it can be revealed: The boorish, loudmouthed redneck who by some malign fluke landed in the mayoralty of Toronto…is a big fat fucking wuss. And he doesn’t even know Marg Delahunty when he sees her…in clear daylight, for that matter. How fucking pathetic is that? PS: It gets wankier. Look, Robbo — no one cares if you’re the Fucking Mayor of Toronto or the Lord Mayor of London. YOU ARE NOT ENTITLED TO SPECIAL TREATMENT. Especially not for a nuisance call to 9-1-1, which I hope they charge you for. If you’ve really had death threats, why don’t you fucking hire bodyguards? It’s not as if you couldn’t afford to, you fucking cheapskate.

10. Linda Fucking Harvey. No, Teh Ghey isn’t contagious. But Teh Stoopid IS. Parents, turn off your radio if she comes on. Otherwise, you and your kids both will find your IQs slowly leaking out your anuses.

11. Ron Fucking Paul. Gee, Ron, for a so-called libertarian, you sure have strange notions of liberty. How is restricting women’s choices a “liberty”, again? And are you really prepared to see entire maternity wards clogged, not with new mothers, but with women dying of back-alley abortions gone wrong, as it was before Roe v. Wade? What kind of doctor does that make you, and how fucking “pro-life” is THAT?

12. Evan Coyne Fucking Maloney. Right-wing blogtard tried to frame Zuccotti Park protesters as a bunch of potheads. Joke’s on HIM, though…HE’s the one who bought the drug paraphernalia, for which he got no takers. Ha, ha, fucking HA.

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13. Samm Fucking Tittle. What is it with all these racist fucking white Repugs who just can’t bring themselves to say BLACK? Herman Cain is not a white man with a “nice tan”, he’s BLACK. And maybe, just maybe, the fact that this obscure candidate for the Repug leadership is kicking off her campaign in the most racist state of all — Mississippi — might have something to do with that bizarre bit of euphemism. And no, being Hispanic (or claiming to be) doesn’t actually make you non-white. Especially if you don’t LOOK non-white.

14. Bryan Fucking Fischer. Talk about why LGBT History Month exists in the first place — it’s to educate ignorant redneck slobs of the Religious Reich like this one, who is so fucking stupid that he seriously believes Adolf Hitler was a gay prostitute (he wasn’t), that John Wayne Gacy was a pedophile (he wasn’t; none of his victims were prepubescent), and that both are shining examples of what the gay does to people (they’re not, because it doesn’t.) Hitler exterminated gays because he considered them to be degenerates and defectives, and he feared Ernst Röhm, the gay leader of the SA, as a potential rival. As for John Gacy, he was trying to kill the gay side of himself every time he lured a young man (who in all likelihood wasn’t gay) to his home and strangled him to death with his “rope trick”. In actual fact, Gacy had internalized the homophobia that religion tends to breed. Which is actually bad news for the Religious Reich, as it is implicated in many serial murders by virtue of the irrational hatreds it creates.

15. Maxime Fucking Bernier. How is it possible to consult a gun registry that has been destroyed by a band of weaselly ideological imbeciles? And if you’re really going to paint yourselves as tough on crime, shouldn’t you leave a crime-fighting tool around for the police to use, especially if it’s one they consult over a thousand times daily? How can you be tough on crime, in other words, and yet hobble the police? I don’t know, but maybe Harpo’s stupidest henchman does. I would suggest that you ask him, but he has a nasty habit of fucking off when asked such tough questions.

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16. Barclays Fucking Capital. Yes, an entire fucking firm. I hope you dumb bastards are prepared to lose a mint on your disgraceful bet against Chavecito’s life. Call yourselves respectable? Hell, I’ve seen backstreet bookies with more integrity than you fucking ghouls. FYI: Hugo Chávez is now cancer-free, and the quack who claimed he’s got two years to live has fled Venezuela in disgrace (NOT fear for his life). Moreover, a panel of doctors from the same hospital where he used to work went public to denounce him. Meanwhile, the “credible opposition” you tout are anything but, and Venezuelans know it. Are you people even embarrassed at your own gullibility? Or do you just figure all the money you take from other suckers should be more than enough to cover that?

17. Jean Fucking Quan. The fucking mayor of Oakland, California, calls the near-fatal shooting of a US Marine (and the subsequent flash-grenading of those trying to help him) a “peaceful resolution”? I call it an obscene fuckery, and I call her a delinquent piece of shit who should be run out of office for ordering it. Christ on a cracker. What the hell is it with fucked-up bully mayors this week? Between her and Rob Fucking Ford, there’s enough gratuitous brutality and buffoonery at City Hall for a fucking gore-porn movie. And Scott Olsen, who narrowly escaped death, is everybody’s brother now, thanks to a rubber bullet fired at his head by one of Quan’s goons. Way to fucking go, you corporatist sleaze queen.

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This is why the people are protesting, in case anyone needs a graphic reminder. The man holding the sign and photo is Jay C. Gentile, USMC. Now fighting real, live terrorists on the home front. Semper fidelis.

PS: No, we don’t fucking believe you. Actions speak louder, lady.

18. Linda Fucking Wall. Let’s get a few things straight here: An extended period of sexual molestation of a minor by an adult is NOT a “youthful mistake”. You are old enough to know what you’re doing, even if the victim isn’t. And if that minor happens to be of the same sex as yourself, that means you have no moral right whatsoever to preach against the evils of “being in homosexuality”, whatever the hell THAT is supposed to mean. Unless, of course, you happen to make your unreformed hypocritical self the topic of the sermon. I’m not exactly holding my breath for it.

19. Vic Fucking Toews. Three measly days is NOT fucking “generous”, you adulterous lying swinebag. We are talking here about a registry that fights crime and saves lives, and you want to shut down all public consultation in three days, and fast-track a shutdown that will, itself, be a MASSIVE waste of our tax dollars? Why so fucking draconian? Oh yeah, I know: YOU ARE NOT, IN FACT, POPULAR. That’s why you have to rush through everything that the public voted AGAINST you for. You and your boss and all of his henchmen are about to learn the hard way what a majority government isn’t and does NOT entitle you to do. Just ask Brian Mulroney how he squandered his, because you’re all going down the same road. At this rate, your fucking party doesn’t deserve to become even a rump of its former self, like it was in the early 1990s. How soon you forget, eh?

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20. Candice Fucking Hoeppner. Lying fucking bitch is fucking lying about her fucking ties (which are fucking EXTENSIVE) to the Fucking NRA. I suppose I shouldn’t be surprised. After all, SupposiTories lie as easily as they draw breath.

21. Darren Fucking Huff. I shudder to think what a “Tranny Hunter” does with a gun and ammo, and a remote-controlled dildo. (I’m getting a really awful mental picture of Bugs Bunny and Elmer Fudd, the uncensored version, here. Mind bleach STAT!)

22. The Fucking Washington Post. Protesters are not only NOT “wearing out their welcome nationwide” (their numbers are, in fact, growing as I write), they are getting shot half dead, gassed, flash-grenaded, and pepper-sprayed on a daily basis. Yet how does the WaHoPo decide to illustrate this? With a cute widdle shot of a cop petting a smurgly-wurgly tabby kitty. Most adorable media fail EVER.

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23. Rick Fucking Santorum. Uh oh — Icky Ricky’s fetus fetish is acting up again. And this time it’s talking to him. Medic!

24. Justin Fucking Bieber. Kid, call off your attack poodles. The website you’re trying to shut down is actually on your side, even if you don’t seem to realize it.

25. Pat Fucking Robertson. Patwa, by now, has officially ceased to be an arbiter of anything even remotely Christian. He is a servant of Mammon, pure and simple. And his welcome on this Earth is long, LONG worn out.

26. Courtney Fucking Stodden. It’s getting harder and harder not to see her as a future porn star, isn’t it? And harder still not to see her entering rehab in a straitjacket shortly thereafter. The only thing that’s creepier than her so-called marriage is the fact that she’s actively catering to all the old pederasts out there with one yucky, phony shenanigan after another. And that she’s too out of it to realize what’s wrong with all that. Here’s a broad hint for ya, girl:

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Poor Courtney. So much for your delusion that it’s only jealous wives who want you to fuck the hell off.

PS: Yes, I’m aware that this is actually directed at Phoebe Fucking Price, who staged a pumpkin-patch atrocity of her own. But you must admit it applies equally well to You Know Who.

27. Terry Fucking Jones. Yay, another joke candidate for the Religious Reich! This makes how many? Anyone keeping track?

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28. and 29. Lou Fucking Engle and Rick Fucking Joyner. I pray for Jesus to invade THEIR dreams…and tell them to stop fucking using him as a weapon of religious persecution.

30. Crockett Fucking Keller. Hey, if you don’t WANT people taking your crappy handgun training course because you’re a bigoted fucking right-wing asshole, that’s fine. They’ll take their money and their feet to a more responsible and unprejudiced trainer, and you’ll be shit out of luck. That’s all!

31. Paul Fucking Wolfowitz. He’s WHAT? Still in existence? Still not in prison? And still being consulted by talking heads on TV? No. No. NO!!! Gettimthefuckouttahere!!!

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No caption required…

32. Christian Fucking Paradis. Yeah, keep reminding les Québécois why they didn’t vote for your party, you fucking schmuck. And keep reminding them of the Montréal Massacre, too, and why you Tories are fucking useless on crime (remember, it happened on Lyin’ Brian Mulroney’s watch). I hope they take the gun-registry data without your permission and RUN with it.

33. Leon Fucking Panetta, again. Who the fuck spends $10,000 on one measly bottle of wine? And, more to the point: WHO THE FUCKING HELL DRINKS $10,000 WINE TO CELEBRATE A DEATH, FERGAWDSAKES? PS: I hope you get vinegar. With a “huge nose of freshly sliced celery, mint, cedar, and cassis”, no less.

34. Salvador Fucking Navarrete. Having a president you never treated call you a liar sure must sting, eh? And when your former colleagues have to give a press conference denouncing you, ditto. No wonder you fucked off out of Venezuela. That shit should cost you your licence, and if you’d stuck around long enough to see the outcome, it would have.

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And finally, to the fucking law firm of Steven J. Fucking Baum. The New York Times calls them a “foreclosure mill”, which, coming from a corporate mouthpiece par excellence, should tell you all you need to know about these vile vultures. They apparently think it’s funny to make crude jokes at the expense of those they have thrown out of their homes. And at their corporate Halloween party, they really went all out to do just that.

So, in their “honor”, I’d like to share with you a little joke I heard years ago. I modified it slightly with the addition of a qualifier, so as not to offend the DECENT lawyers and law students among my friends:

Q. Why won’t sharks eat corporate lawyers?

A. Professional courtesy!

I hope to all the Gods that this bunch gets thrown to something rather worse than sharks, now that their little Halloween party fun has made the global headlines. I think you’ll agree that it would be nothing less than they deserve.

Goodnight, and get fucked!

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Stupid Sex(ist) Tricks: How to smell like a pelotudo

Posted on October 28, 2011 by Sabina Becker

Everybody in North America knows (or SHOULD know) that Axe Body Spray is the masking odor for (pre)adolescent male sexual insecurity, immaturity and general lack of appeal. It’s the sort of stuff that you want to avoid if you’re a guy, and avoid a guy who smells of it if you’re a gal. So when I saw this bit of badvertising on Gawker, I could only guffaw at what lies in store for poor, unsuspecting Argentina:

Gawker supplies the following translation, so I won’t bother with my own:

Last September 24th it was Boyfriend’s Day.

What does Axe have to say to boyfriends?

Hey, dude. There’s nothing to celebrate.

We know you want to be with all of them, except with the one you’re with.

That’s why we set up some secret installation in the men’s room,

And gave them 5 minutes of singledom.

Welcome to the Axe Strip Toilette.

This is just a way of reminding guys that they are “castrating themselves” [Ed. note: Down here when you say a guy is “castrated,” it means he only does what his girlfriend/wife says.]

…limiting the power of the Axe effect to just one girl.”

Girl: What took you so long?
Guy: The restroom was a mess.
Girl: Oh, sorry to hear that.

A commenter adds even more elucidation:

Oh man, the best part was lost in translation…

“Girl: What took you so long?
Guy: The restroom was a mess.
Girl: Oh, sorry to hear that.”

So…in Argentina “quilombo” means “whorehouse” in addition to meaning “a mess.” So when the guy at the end says to his girlfriend, “el baño era un quilombo,” he’s saying “whorehouse” and she’s hearing “a mess.”

Which of course assumes that Argentine ladies just naturally gravitate to the more prudish meaning of the slang term. Because they’re genteel, gullible ladies, and all that. The kind who’d never suspect that the bathroom is actually a bordello, where their “uncastrated” man can revel in his five minutes of glorious unattachedness, courtesy of Axe.

And, poor chicas, they will find the stink of Axe (now available in Puto, Pitiyanki Disociado, Pelotudo de Mierda, and ¡Ponte un Condón, Mojón! scents) irresistible. And the wearer likewise? So much so that even if their profession entails never giving a man the time of day unless he pays them first, they’ll still crawl all over him for nada?

Uh, yeah. Riiiiiiiiiiight.

Anyway, compañeras, I’m not sure if you have a literal term in Argentino for “douchebag”, but if in the near future you smell a guy who reeks of horrible cheap cologne and struts around thinking he’s God’s gift, you’ll surely want to share it with me here, no? After you’re done gagging and vomiting in your own mercifully not-Axe-scented bathroom, that is?

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Posted in Don't Cry For Argentina, Isn't It Ironic?, Madvertising, Men Who Just Don't Get It, Stupid Sex Tricks, Teh Heterostoopid | 1 Comment

Festive Left Friday Blogging: The Greatest Love Story on Earth

Posted on October 28, 2011 by Sabina Becker

“Occupy Love”, featuring Asmaa Mahfouz, the young Egyptian woman who started the protest movement that eventually came to occupy all of Tahrir Square, toppling Hosni Mubarak and setting in motion a revolution that is still very much in progress.

If this doesn’t make you want to cry, you probably don’t have a pulse.

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Posted in Festive Left Friday Blogging, Rivers in Egypt, The Bold and the Badass | Comments Off on Festive Left Friday Blogging: The Greatest Love Story on Earth