News of the Restless

Crappy weekend, everybody! Yes, this is another special tribute edition of Wankers of the Week. This week’s wanker is Ronald Fucking Reagan, who would have been 100 this week, had he lived that long. And if you need more evidence that he had dementia during his reign, well, there’s the photo above. Those dudes in the turbans are the same mujahideen he and his crew wasted a fortune on training to fight and kill godless commies for Jeebus. They morphed into the Taliban, who are now the west’s mortal terrorist enemies onaccounta they don’t believe in Jeebus. But gee, didn’t they look cute sitting there in the oh-so-whitey-white White House?

And let’s not forget all the other lovely legacies St. Ronnie left us: Reaganomics (still as much an Epic Fail as ever, and yet still no one has the nerve to demolish it); the AIDS epidemic, which he left to fester because it was thought at the time that it was “only a gay plague” anyway, and that government should not be in the business of helping people protect themselves; Saddam Hussein, whom Ronnie sent Donald Fucking Rumsfeld to cultivate (and sell weapons to); and so on. I could go on forever, but since our wankapedia is fairly long this week, I won’t. Here, with no further ado, are the rest of this week’s dregs of humanity:

1. Roger Fucking Stockham. I knew it could only be a matter of time before a US mosque was targeted by a home-grown terrorist of the far right with a raging anti-government hate-on. And lo and behold, guess who obliged? Yep, one of those. Who, incidentally, idolizes Tim Fucking McVeigh. The saga just about writes itself, no? PS: A repeat offender? You don’t say!

2. Jack Fucking Kingston. Dude, I don’t know if you came from God (and if I were God, I’d be mightily embarrassed of a job so poorly done). But damn straight you didn’t descend from monkeys. They’re much smarter than you!

3. Peter Fucking Heck. And speaking of embarrassments to God, how about this one? Yup, he trots out the old abortion-equals-slavery canard, just like all his stupid co-religionists, in time for the annual anti-Roe hate-fest. And even worse, he turns it into a racialized attack on Barack Obama! Someone please remind him that in Germany, less than a century ago, his co-religionists were forcing women to get and stay pregnant for the sake of creating a Master Race. Now, THAT was slavery.

4. Chris Fucking Barron. Those who fight for gay rights are “the American Taliban” and “hateful, angry and dumb as shit”. Meanwhile, what is he, for licking the boots of the very homophobic Andrew Fucking Breitbart? I leave it to your imagination, gentle readers.

5. The Fucking Freeptards. Newsflash: Egypt isn’t “burning”. And I’m pretty sure that Barack Obama isn’t ignoring what’s going on over there, either. I think the real thing that’s got all these right-wing bloomers in a bunch is the simple fact that he hasn’t sent the US Air Force in to crush the protests and set Egypt on fire for realz. You know, “light up some ragheads”? Like Dubya “liberating” Baghdad? That sort of thing.

6. Sarah Fucking Palin. Yeah, she’s a MILF, all right–if MILF is short for Major Idiot Lying Frequently. I’m sure little Trig must enjoy being not only her main fashion accessory but the butt of her dumb jokes as well. And of course, she is all for the “right” of crazy people to own guns. How much is the NRA slipping her on the side, do you think? Crazy gun buyers are their bread ‘n’ butter! Oh, and don’t miss this. We all knew she was only out to cash in on her name, and she is. So’s Bristol, apparently. Like mother, like daughter… PS: Ha, ha.

7. Glenn Fucking Beck. The Egyptian revolution is the work of Islamists and communists! Yeah, the fucking fucktard actually went there. We knew that he would. Now all we need is a loopy Nazi reference, and the Becktardery will be complete.

8. Tom Fucking Brokaw. MSNBC “will be all right” without Keith Olbermann. Yeah, only its most-watched (and best) newsman. What could possibly go wrong, eh Barky?

9. Lila Fucking Rose. It’s confirmed: She and her professional misogynist antichoice mafia WERE behind that “child prostitution ring” scam trying to shut down Planned Parenthood. When is someone gonna “gotcha” them? Oh, yeah. I forgot. Our side has much more class than Madam Lie-là and her wingnut welfare pimps.

10. John Fucking Bolton. Oh look, the Sheepdog is barking AGAIN this week! And this time, the tune is “Bomb bomb bomb, bomb bomb Iran”. Where have we heard THAT one before? Someone please muzzle this mutt before he unleashes another international catastrophe.

Also, he looks really effin’ dorky in a yarmulke. All that’s missing is the propeller.

11. Tim Fucking Hudak. Scaremongering about sex-ed? For shame. Tim, has the phrase “age-appropriate” ever crossed your radar? Or do you, like all wingnuts, simply assume that “sex education” means “teaching kids how to have sex”? And what is this stupid shit about banning chocolate milk? It hasn’t happened. Jayzus.

12. Rocco Fucking Rossi. A SupposiTory after all? Color me SO not surprised. All his godbaggery in the last Toronto city hall race told me just what bag this one comes out of.

13. Shawn Fucking Begolly. He wants his assault weapons back, since they were “not used to commit a crime”. Um, dude, your son’s been arrested as a domestic terrorist. Isn’t it HIM you should be worrying about? He had access to your shit, after all.

14. Ann Fucking Coulter. Guns and bibles are better than health insurance? Well, Annie, why don’t you ditch your gold-plated wingnut-welfare plan and see how far it gets you when you finally shoot yourself in the long, skinny foot. I hear you haven’t darkened the door of a church in, like, forever. Do you think you’re still golden with God? If so, you really are the world’s craziest whited sepulchre.

15. Richard Fucking Cohen. I think I’ve listed him before; Quasimodo’s face rings a bell. Well, if he’s a wanker, chances are he’s a repeat offender. And his offence this week? Moaning about the peaceful pro-democracy protests in Egypt. What part of it bugs him so much? Is it the fact that, as Sharif Abdel Kouddous reports on Democracy Now, garbage is finally getting cleaned up in Tahrir Square? Or how about those 15-year-olds doing a better job of directing traffic than Mubarak’s cops? Is it the women and girls, out kicking tyranny’s ass right alongside the men? Or the Muslims and Christians defending each other at prayer? Or how the Muslim Brotherhood is really not all that much of a “threat”, because pluralism is more popular in Egypt than Islamic militancy–even within the Brotherhood itself? Oh, I know–it’s the DEMOCRACY, stupid! Cohen doesn’t like it when other countries show signs of being able to govern themselves. Makes pundits like him look rather useless, worthless, and silly. (Not that they don’t already, it just makes the fact so painfully obvious.)

16. Hosni Fucking Mubarak. Do I really need to elaborate on this one? Didn’t think so.

17. Mike Fucking Huckabee. A presidential contender, he ain’t. An ethnic cleanser, he is. Right-wing Israelis might love him, but nobody else does.

18. Charlie Fucking Sheen. Apparently, $1.8 million per episode means you can do no wrong. Even when everything you’re doing, especially with members of the opposite sex, is wrong. Twenty years ago, weren’t people saying the same things about Axl Fucking Rose? I seem to recall that they were…

19. Mark Fucking Sanford. Yay, he’s on the Appalachian Trail again. Whoopdeefuckingdoo!

20. Christopher Fucking Monckton. Who’s afraid of a little tweetybird? Climate-change denial’s biggest professional chickenshit, of course. Buk buk buk b’kawwww!

21. Jon Fucking Entine. Speaking of people in denial (and who are undoubtedly funded by Big Oil), one of the AEI’s special guest shills decided to defend poor widdle ChevronToxico–er, sorry, TEXACO–against big bad Ecuador and its mean-ass environmental protection laws. Awww, how touching. Next time there’s a coup, we’ll at least know who’s to blame for the foregoing volley of crapaganda against Rafael Correa, eh? Meanwhile–cha-ching!

22. Chris Fucking Brown. Rihanna’s abuser wants the restraining order against him “modified” because he’s inconvenienced? Motherfucker hasn’t learned a goddamn thing. Dude, it’s there for a reason–think about it. Your presence is a lot more than a mere inconvenience to her, trust me.

PS:

HA ha!

23. Thomas Fucking Friedman. His prose, with all its inept analogies, is like a long, unrefreshing drink of raw sewage. Why is he being paid for it?

24. Donald Fucking Rumsfeld. Defender of the constitution. Yes, really. Stop laughing.

25. Phyllis Fucking Schlafly. Domestic violence doesn’t break up marriages–false accusations do! This from a woman who probably has zero contact with her own family, owing to the fact that she’s a full-time professional asshat coated in head-to-toe shellac and all. Maybe her absence from the family home is what’s saving her so-called marriage?

26. Doug Fucking Godbee. I’m guessing by his mugshot that quid pro quo is probably the only way this prizewinner could get laid.

27. Thomas Fucking Euteneuer. An anti-choice, anti-birth-control, anti-gay priest, who also purported to be an exorcist, has stepped down as head of an anti-choice, anti-birth-control, anti-gay organization…over sex. But hey, at least he was messing with a grown woman. Whom he was supposedly exorcising. How convenient: The devil made him do it.

28. Billo Fucking Reilly. Doesn’t know shit about al-Jazeera. Or the Moon, come to that. Thinks the one is run by Osama bin Laden, and the other is made of green cheese. Fortunately for Billo, knowing shit is not a job requirement at FUX Snooze.

29. Robert Fucking Benmosche. Liberals are deadbeats. So says the CEO of a company that used its bailout money on expensive spa vacations and other non-essential shit. Pray tell me, Bob: Why are we supposed to fork our hard-earned money over to the likes of you, again?

30. Rush Fucking Limbaugh. The Pigman is a wanker every week. This week, he’s a wanker with two faces…and approximately seven chins on each.

31. LaVar Fucking Christensen. “Married heterosexual families are the fundamental unit of society”? Funny, I thought it was the individual person. It would have to be, since I’m not married and not planning to be anytime soon, my own heterosexuality notwithstanding. Dude, if you hate gay people, why don’t you just come out and say it, instead of trying to legislate your theocratic prejudices as normative? That just makes you look like a big fat sissy.

32. Diane Fucking Finley. One question, minister: IF YOU BELIEVE IN FORCING CANADIAN WOMEN TO STAY HOME TO RAISE THEIR CHILDREN, WHY AREN’T YOU THERE NOW?

33. Bobby Fucking Franklin. Rape is not a “real crime”? Well, I guess, by that token, Bobby must not be a real fucking idiot. Ha, ha.

34. Ann Fucking Buerkle. If you’re going to repeal public healthcare in the US, you might first want to remember whose taxes are paying for YOURS, madam Representative. (Hint: It’s the same people who can decide to stop paying your salary as a US Representative, simply by voting you out next election for being such a fucking dumbass.)

35. Bob Fucking Vander Plaats. Being gay is harmful “like secondhand smoke”? So says the purveyor of holy smoke, the shit that rots yer brain and stunts mental growth.

36. Silvio Fucking Berlusconi: Hosni Fucking Mubarak is “wise”. This from an old fool who’s into autocracy, too-tight facelifts, and paid sex with underage girls. Bet he’s hoping Italy doesn’t catch this pro-democracy fever that seems to be making its way around the Mediterranean.

And finally, to all the paid thugs who’ve been taking baksheesh from Hosni Fucking Mubarak and other oligarchs to “demonstrate” their “support” for him via violence and attempted censorship. Thanks to your attempts to beat up journalists from networks all over the world, the whole world finally knows what’s the matter with Egypt. They also know what bag Mubarak really comes out of. And now they can all see why the popular groundswell is against him. But hey, keep it up…all you’re digging is your own damn graves. And all for just thirty shekels! Yeah, that’s gonna go a long way toward alleviating your economic woes, eh?

Good night, and get fucked!