News of the Restless

Crappy Valentine’s Day, everyone! Are we feelin’ all luvvy-duvvy yet? No? Well, don’t worry. Auntie Bina has just the thing to get you in the mood. It’s called WANKING! And here’s who’s been at it like a motherfucker this week:

1. The Fucking Texas Legislature. It’s a joke at the best of times, but at the worst, what is it? The heavy-handed legislative arm of the fetus-fetishist crowd…of course. Now they’re trying to pass their anti-choice bullshit off as some kind of pro-woman thing, judging by the way they’re wording it. They’re hoping we don’t twig to the fact that they’re really just trying to emotionally blackmail women out of having abortions. Awwww! Don’t all you ladies down there feel special now, seeing how they’re going to the trouble of making this tearjerker an “emergency” vote and all? Be sure you send your valentines to State Sen. Dan Fucking Patrick, the author of this latest invasion of your right to privacy. And by “valentines”, I mean parcels of fresh male bovine feces.

2. Cornelius Fucking McGillicuddy the Fourth. Yes, ladies and gents, “Connie Mack” continues to show what a big fat man-crush he has on Huguito Chavecito, the democratically-elected and extremely popular president of Venezuela. And on Joe Kennedy, too! Isn’t that cute? Only one widdle problem there, Corny: They’re just not that into you. The more you make a fool of yourself, the more they (we) laugh their (our) asses off at you. Maybe you should leave off all this boring love-letter writing of yours and actually start working for the poor dumb schmucks who voted for you, yes?

3. Alejandro Fucking Peña Esclusa. While we’re on the subject of wanks with the hots for Chavecito’s cuddly bod, how about this one? He’s a fascist and a terrorist, wanted for trying to overthrow a legitimately elected man. And now he’s got Joseph Fucking Farah wrapped around his pinky with a buttload of twaddle about al-Qaida, who have ZERO presence in Iran, never mind Venezuela! And just think, the WingNutDaily wants you to subscribe and PAY to receive this convoluted crapola! Ain’t (unrequited) love grand?

4. Bill Fucking Maier. “Doctor”, is it? I bet his patients leave him feeling worse than when they came. Someone please inform this homophobic quack that my best friend and his hubby are two of those “selfish” people that he’s slamming with his misinformation, and that they’re raising two kids whom no one else could or would look after. And the kids? THRIVING. Must be all that queer selfishness rubbing off on them.

5. Fucking Dubya. His entire reign was one big, long, international nightmare of an uninterrupted wank. Chucklenuts got his rocks off on torture, mass murder and a whole slew of other war crimes. Now he can’t even travel abroad without risking arrest and landing up in The Hague. Awwwww, my heart bleeds!

6. Frank Fucking Gaffney. You can always tell who the sore losers are by how much crapaganda they have to generate in order to keep their lame in the news.

7. Matt Fucking Lewis. Does the world need any more conservative columnists, much less those styling themselves “iconoclasts”? What “icons” has this dude clasted, anyway? I never heard of him until this past Tuesday. Oh well, he won’t be missed, wherever he’s from.

8. Angeles Fucking Duran, again. No, I’m not planning to pay her any sun taxes. Neither, I’m sure, are you. For all I care, she can go broke trying to enforce her fraudulent claims of ownership.

9. David Fucking Cameron. A bankster stooge? Say it ain’t so! (Actually, this one was kind of a “DUH!” Remember, the phrase “right-wing” arose from the French parliamentary custom of letting those who represent the oligarchs sit on the right-hand side of the floor.)

10. Lila Fucking Rose. Maybe she and her delusional followers think she’s justified in committing the sin of bearing false witness. Alas for Lie-là, the Vatican’s own anti-choice encyclical of 1968 says otherwise. So do those same ten commandments that all the far-right Christers are constantly trying to shove into the public square. Lying for God is like whoring for chastity. PS: Oooooo, what’s this? Hypocrisy? Or should I say, more of it? Tsk, tsk. Someone’s going straight to a self-made hell for that one!

11. Christiane Fucking Ouimet. Can you believe she used to be something called an “integrity czar”? And that she was appointed by those who have none? Little wonder she was a no-show at a hearing on her own (poor) job performance.

12. Julia Fucking Hurley. Yes, you too can go from Hooters waitress to successful (?) politician. Just ask her how. (And be on the lookout for falling IQ digits.)

13. Joe Fucking Pitts. I was alerted to this one by Kitty, who posted a response to my “terrible story” post. And oh lordy, this one really takes the biscuit. He is so anti-choice that he wants to make it legal for doctors to refuse to give referrals for an abortion, even to save the woman’s life. And this is what he calls “protecting life”? Well, now it’s official–to these arch-misogynists, women aren’t living human beings. They’re just incubators. Who cares if they die and take the fetus with them, as long as some fucktard’s “principles” and “conscience” remain inviolate? I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again: Anyone who doesn’t support a woman’s right to choose, and her right to life, doesn’t belong in any health-related profession, and should seek another job.

14. Bristol Fucking Palin. Future half-term quitbull, coming right down. Look out below! PS: Oh, ugh.

15. Tony Fucking Clement. How do Con-tards turn 50? With unfunny “jokes”, natch.

16. Tzippi Fucking Khutubelli. Finally, we find a real feminazi…in Israel, where this one makes dire noises in the Knesset (with a pseudo-feminist gloss, of course) about Jewish women “contaminating” their blood and soil with marriages to Muslim men. The HORROR!

17. Christopher Fucking Lee. Need more proof that Craigslist is a bad place to try to get lucky? Try being a married Republican congressman attempting to pass himself off as a mere divorced lobbyist, while trawling for Other Women. Oh, to be a fly on the wall in his bedroom this Valentine’s Day…or maybe not. Something tells me it’s gonna be awfully quiet, and awfully, awfully lonely. PS: Oh, surprise!

18. The entire fucking Repugnican party. Job creation? What’s that? No, let’s just waste vast amounts of time and public money trying to ban abortion in every way. Including, ironically, using the heavy hand of government to interfere in business and private insurance plans. Which, if I’m not mistaken, goes against that cherished Republican ideal of unfettered free enterprise, or some such. The mind boggleth.

19. Glenn Fucking Beck. He claims he’s going blind. I think it’s his brain that’s the real problem. What is up with that silly nativity shepherd costume? And that horrible Yoda imitation? A Jedi knight you are not, and never will be, Biff. A loonyfuckingtoon, you are.

20. John Fucking Boehner. The Weeper of the US House, embroiled in a sex scandal? You don’t say! (I have to say this: I wonder if his penis resembles a baby carrot. Oooooo, mindbleach! STAT!)

21. Peter Fucking Kent. Why?

That’s why. “We have a plan, and the plan is working”? What is it, pray tell? And HOW? Merely saying so doesn’t make it so, Old Talking Head. Must get over those bad anchorman habits you picked up at Canwest Global. (I’m talking about reading off industry press releases instead of actual reporting, in case you hadn’t guessed.)

22. Silvio Fucking Berlusconi. When it comes down to a constitutional showdown over some bought-and-paid-for under-age nookie, and he claims his teenage hooker was the granddaughter of Hosni Mubarak of all people, you know the man’s not fit to govern a popsicle stand, never mind a country. Italy, take notes from your Egyptian neighbors there across the Mediterranean, and give this skanky old pervert the boot!

23. Andrew Fucking Breitbart. Obsess much? Actually, it sounds to me like this chronic wanker is now trying to retroactively justify his going on the attack against the innocent Shirley Sherrod months ago. Which just makes him seem all the more creepy, and yes, frankly, RACIST.

24. Duane Fucking Starkenburg. Srsly, he sounds like a real fart smeller. Er, I meant to say smart feller. Yeah.

25. Doug Fucking Ford. The brother of Toronto’s nastiest mayor is just as big a piece of shit as you-know-who. I bet you’re just as surprised as I am. Which is to say, not at all. What could be a more original or novel solution to the poverty problem than saying protesters are all whiny slackers who should just get a fucking job? It means you don’t have to do a fucking thing about it yourself, and that sounds about right for these two. Because, surprise, they’re not gonna do a fucking thing about it themselves, other than snark at people who very likely have jobs. The phrase “working poor” is obviously one they’ve never heard, which is not surprising either–both are descended from money, after all.

26. Rush Fucking Limbaugh. The Pigman is stupid every time he opens his pill-hole, but when it comes to Egypt, he’s especially fucking dumb. How the hell do you “rent-a-mob” of MILLIONS, in a country that’s been pissed off at shitty western-backed “leaders” for DECADES? Do you think they’d work for the chickenfeed Hosni Fucking Mubarak’s thugs got paid? And who was paying them, pray tell?

That’s what I thought.

27. Tom Fucking Friedman. Self-referential asshat is self-referential. Also an asshat.

28. Peter Fucking Goodman. Yeah, there’s a reality out there “beyond left and right”. Sure. A reality beyond truth and lies, in other words. Fairness and balance and blah, blah, blah. In short, False Equivalence has once more reared its ugly head, in the guise of a Wise Editor, Philosophizing. And here I was feeling bad about using facts to spank all these big media types over their mergers and acquisitions, for making the quality of news coverage suffer! Gosh do I feel silly now!

29. Lindsay Fucking Lohan. Yes, she’s lost it:

Hey, I have a better idea, Linds–how about Israel starts making peace with its neighbors instead? I’m speaking, of course, about the West Bank and Gaza. Oh wait, that would mean making peace with PALESTINE. Never mind!

30. The Fucking Dissociated Press. Cuba holds a US citizen prisoner for more than a year without trial! Shock! Outrage! BTW, Gitmo is also in Cuba…but since it’s not run by the Cuban government, and it’s been holding prisoners for almost ten years now without trial, of course IT doesn’t count. Amurrican Exceptionalism fucking rulez. And just think, they want us bloggers to pay them for the privilege of using their schlocky sausage filler!

31. Mark Fucking Regenerus. So, basically, marriage is still prostitution, and women are still looking for sugardaddies, and feminism has sold us short because women are becoming more educated than the men, who get their pick of us, rather than the other way ’round (never mind that little thing called mutuality). And of course, without the V-card, we have no bargaining chips left, and have to settle for a frog when we coulda stayed dumb and virginal and kissed a prince instead. So says he. I dunno, girls, are you buying any of this? Because if you are, I say you should demand your money back. You deserve better!

32. Wayne LaFucking Pierre. Even at such a concentrated gathering of cross-threaded right-wing nutz ‘n’ boltz as CPAC, The Peter is outstandingly crackbrained. There ought to be some kind of award handed out for such high levels of gun-nut lunacy.

33. Fucking Harpo. His “leadership”, like his response to the fall of the tyrant in Egypt, can be summed up in one word: LIMP.

34. Glenn Fucking Beck. Uh, I believe that “go to hell” is OUR line, Biff. And speaking of which, isn’t it time for you to do just that? You ARE crazy. And your insanity belongs in a straitjacket, not on a TV show watched by impressionable children (some of them very superannuated indeed, judging by FUX Snooze’s demographics.) Go to hell, Biff, and take all your pet conspiracy theories with you…right back where you, and they, came from.

35. Bev Fucking Oda. A partisan agenda, you say? And it led to doctoring of documents, which led to defunding of a perfectly legitimate NGO that simply didn’t kowtow to Harpo’s Israel-sucking agenda? Tsk, tsk. And this in the department of international co-operation. No wonder our profile on the world stage has collapsed. Harpocracy has made us look like a nation of assclowns. (We’re not. Our Conservative minority government is. Please don’t anyone confuse the two. And oh yeah: Dear World, I’m sorry they’re all such fucking idiots. I, like most Canadians, didn’t vote for them.)

And finally, a special shout-out (and razzberry) to Hosni Fucking Mubarak. Or at least, it would have been, had he not finally transferred power to his torturer-in-chief yesterday. His dishonorable mention is therefore transferred to Omar Fucking Suleiman, one smirky douchebag…who’s bound to get his. After all, the people of Egypt don’t believe in letting go of the reins, either.

Good night, and get fucked!