News of the Restless

Ah, spring…wingnuts in full bloom. I don’t know who those women in the video are, but the one in yellow (how fitting!) has obviously disguised herself. And no wonder: she’s uttering death threats. Crude, cowardly, nasty death threats. Death by torture, no less. See how sad it is when you stand for nothing and fall for anything? You have to disguise your identity so your embarrassing mistake doesn’t come back to haunt you…like, say, at a job interview.

Anyhow. On with the weekly wankapedia. Most of these wingnuts do have names, and I hope their shame haunts them for as long as they live.

1. and 2. Preston Fucking Manning and Allan Fucking Gregg. Whenever a conservative politician teams up with a conservative pollster, look for wankage to ensue. And in this case, it’s the founding fucker of the “Reform” party looking to social-engineer with a little help from his SupposiTory pollster pal. Won’t work; Canada is a LEFT-leaning country, and has been for decades. Go figure, we like what progress has given us, and we do not think the age of the US robber barons is anything worth calling “golden”!

3. Haley Fucking Barbour. Last week it was Bob Fucking McDonnell, denying the importance of slavery in a month devoted to the history of a confederacy whose sole reason for existence was, well, you guessed it. Don’t any of these proud southern governors know their own history? Or is there some kind of active obscurantist agenda going on? (I know which option I’m voting for.)

4. Carl Fucking Paladino. Surprise! Teabaggers who “agree 100% with conservative values” are bestial, porn-wanking racists. Well, all right, NOT a surprise in the slightest. And neither will this one’s political losses be. They just can’t come soon enough!

5. Giacomo Fucking Babini. Once more the ugly old “Christ-killer” meme rears its warty head. Yeah, smooth move…when it comes to pedophiles and other sexual abusers in the Catholic church, just blame the “Zionist conspiracy” of the Jews!

6. Felipe Fucking Arizmendi. Smoother move: Blame porn and the TV.

7. Bernardo Fucking Alvarez. Even smoother move: Blame the slutty kids.

8. Tarcisio Fucking Bertone. Smoothest move of all: Blame the fags!

9. The Fucking Vatican. Ringo Starr doesn’t give a piss for its “absolution”. And in light of all the sex scandals (and blame-gaming), who can fault him for that?

10. Don Fucking Blankenship. Yes, His Wankenship is back for the second week in a row. Why? Because he not only disdains safety regs, he also thinks environmental concerns around global warming are, and I quote, “silly”. Even funnier, he’s scared to death of little green people–get that man a straitjacket! Not that we expected anything different from a lunatic swinebag who made his ill-gotten bundle from coal, but still. Crazy people have no business running a business, don’t you agree?

11. Sonny Fucking Thomas. I do not think the words the Bee Gees used mean what he thinks they mean. Or what he later claimed was just a malign coincidence. Also, that White Pride shirt makes him look like…well, like he just made poopy in his pants. PS: Sorry, Sonny, but what has been seen cannot be unseen.

12. and 13. Mary Fucking Dawson and Gail Fucking Shea. Are they in bed together? If not, why so hush-hush?

14. Sarah Fucking Palin. So fucking stupid, even 60% of the teabags don’t want her for president. And these are people dumb enough to take Wankenship’s money for their rallies. That’s pretty damn pathetic, no?

15., 16. and 17. Gary Fucking Lunn, Judith Fucking Larocque and Ward Fucking Elcock. So, this is what the Tories did during their three-month vacation prorogation of Parliament. They spent our money like drunken sailors on luxurious Olympic perks, just as we knew they would. Hey people, you planning on paying any of that back? Because the rest of the country is certainly planning on getting it back.

18. Stephen Fucking Jaeger. Facebook stalkers aren’t just a joke anymore. Some, like this one, are all too real.

19. Rod Fucking Bruinooge. Yes, he’s back on the wank-list, and back for another black eye from me. Rod, unless you also include coerced childbirth (which is way more common than coerced abortion) in your bill, you can kiss that motherfucker GOODBYE! (And your ass, too, while you’re at it. Bend over, dude.)

20. Whoever the fuck joined this dumb-ass Facebook group. Or who would contemplate joining. Rape is NOT fun. And not funny, either.

21. Joe Fucking Lieberman. Someone please tell him that the Paliness is irrelevant. Even the teabags don’t think she’s qualified to be president of a pop stand, much less a country. Come to think of it, neither is he…and he’s irrelevant, too. Hey, how ’bout that coinkidink?

22. Andrew Fucking Breitbart. I have no idea what he’s trying to say. But it sure sounds ugly, and nasty, and like he’s calling for an uprising. Also like he’s trying hard not to hiccup or slur. If only he would try hard to think instead of drink, he might a
ctually find he has something real to say…and it would probably come out sounding something like, “Damn, was I really THAT stupid when I was drinking?” And all his AA buddies would say something like “Yes…yes, you were. And you’re damn lucky they didn’t arrest you for it.”

23. and 24. Charles and David Fucking Koch. Their money finances teabaggers and “libertarian” (note the quotes) stink tanks so they can claim that Obama is the next Castro, Stalin and Mao all wadded up into one. Yup, that’s wingnut welfare; wealth redistribution at its “finest” (again, note quotes). But wait, it gets better. Know how the Fucking Koch Brothers came by the inherited fortune that finances all this crapitalist claptrap? Their grandpa sold oil to good ol’ Joe Stalin himself. Guess it’s not communism when crapitalists do it!

25. Faytene Fucking Kryskow. Until today, I had never heard of her. Wish I still hadn’t. She’s an awful, sticky-sweet God-botherer who has ambitions of “controlling the media”, and expects us all (especially us women) to stick our necks in the noose in Jeezus’ name. Yuppers, she’s a yucko. But damn, doesn’t her name just so lend itself to jokes about hair-care products made from hydrogenated cottonseed oil?

26. Nathanael Mark Fucking Plourde. Bad enough that he plotted to kill a woman (by beating) he didn’t know how to break up with. Worse still, he got said woman pregnant first. Hey asshole, if you didn’t want a relationship with her, why’d you fuck her? Is the word “no”, or the phrase “no, thanks”, not in your vocabulary? Or does the little head always have the last word with you feckless morons? Anyway, thanks to you and your dick (and your dickishness), the Fetus Fetishists now have their knicks in a knot, and are trying to sneak a back-door anti-abortion bill through the House of Commons–under the pretext of “protecting women”, which it wouldn’t do worth a dime. But damn, it’s great red meat for the woman-haters, isn’t it? Thanks a pantload, you gormless murdering fucker.

27. Andrea Fucking Lafferty. Only in the sick, deviant mind of a right-wing “family values” pervert would a bill forbidding gender- and sexual-orientation-based discrimination at work be construable as carte blanche for sexual molestation (and various other ooky practices.) Given how much these “family values” types harp on the subject, and with what energy, I have no choice but to conclude that they are all fantasizing about all those things, all the time. And it makes me want to protect my nearest and dearest…from THEM.

And finally, The Fucking Teabaggers. Yes, all of you. Have you checked your taxes lately? Don’t come back here, or kvetch about your president, until you do. Better still, don’t kvetch at all. You have nothing to be angry about, yet you’re angry all the time! You plainly don’t know what the fuck you’re talking about. Maybe you should just stop talking. As the old saying goes, better to keep your mouth shut and have people wonder if you’re an idiot, than to open it and remove all doubt.

Goodnight, and get fucked.

PS: Didn’t see this until after I published the entry. What say we toss Rush Fucking Limbaugh down a volcano, as a sacrifice to Pele? Or would She reject him onaccounta he’s too old, fat, blemished and stupid?