News of the Restless

Ah, April…time to get back into the garden and start tilling and digging. But first, you have to haul out your tools. And these wankers are not the sharpest tools in the shed:

1. John Fucking Kyl. Corporate tool par excellence. To all you right-wingers out there who voted GOP because you thought these bigwigs would stand up for the freedom of little guys like you, you can now burn your voter registrations along with all your silly illusions. All they really care about is the corporations, who do not give a damn about you, never have, and never will. Sticking up for the little guy is “overly ideological”, didn’t you know? Stupid peons.

2. Rex Fucking Rammell. Another gun-toting tea-doucher who apparently thinks it’s okay to hunt humans, as long as they’re dark-skinned and/or democratically elected. I would hope that such sentiments (and his frankly disturbing “militia” ties to the Hutaree terrorists) would hurt his chances of ever being elected himself, but he’s from Idaho. Hello? Aryan Fucking Nations country? Hell, they’ll practically canonize him there.

3. Tiger Fucking Woods. It’s hurtful and ugly enough to lie your ass off so you can boink a whole bunch of blondes who are not the blonde you married. But to take a steaming dump on the head of your own kindergarten teacher, claiming she “basically did nothing to stop” a racist incident that never happened, while you were clawing your way to the top in the image of a squeaky-clean guy shattering the color barrier? That’s just low. And it’s also bringing the racist teabaggers out of the woods in droves, pointing fingers and saying that it’s in the nature of Those People to lie, and it proves that Obama and John Lewis and God only knows who all else are…well, you get the picture. Smooth fucking move, Ex-Lax.

PS: Exhuming your dad is pretty damn low, too. All I could think of while watching that ad was how he taught you everything you know, all right…about philandering.

4. John Fucking McCain. So mavericky, he’s now NOT a maverick, and claiming he never was one, even though he’s on record as saying he was one! I have no choice now but to conclude that “maverick” means “crazy old right-wing flippity-flopper”.

5. Rush Fucking Limbaugh. All that racism you’ve been assiduously fanning over the past–how many decades have you been polluting the airwaves now, Rush?–is suddenly fake. Uh-huh. I’m still waiting for you to move to Costa Rica, Pigman.

6. Dan Fucking Quayle. Remember when he was moralistically scolding Murphy Brown—a fictional TV character–for doing what Repugs want all pregnant-out-of-wedlock women to do, namely stay preggers even if it’s really a bad idea? He just outdid himself for Teh Stoopid. And that’s pretty damn hard, considering he’s the man who can’t spell potato.

7. Sean Fucking Hannity. Who the hell idolizes an executed domestic terrorist? The Baby Jeezus does! I knew he was brain-dead, but this really takes the biscuit.

7 1/2. Anyone who’d cheer at being likened to an executed domestic terrorist by the Baby Jeezus is also a fucking idiot. Quite possibly a bigger one than himself, and that’s really saying something.

8. These fucking horndogs here. Feminism? What’s that? Oh yeah, BOOBIES!!!

9. David Fucking Brooks. Yes, he makes the list again this week, this time because of his inanities about “moral materialism”, whatever the fuck THAT’s supposed to mean. From the context, I infer that it means crapitalism must be good because it clutters our lives up with…stuff, I guess. If that sounds insufferably vague and idiotic, it’s because Brooksy’s insufferable vagueness and idiocy got to me. Sorry.

10. Scott Fucking Southworth. Teaching kids how to protect themselves against STDs and unwanted pregnancy leads to rape? Only in the minds of puritans. In reality, it leads to lower rates of teen pregnancy and STDs, and even delayed onset of sexual activity. Oh, the horror! Safer sex means safer kids, imagine that!

11. Bob Fucking McDonnell. How could something which was the whole cause of the Confederate secession be omitted from mention in a farcical “History Month” dedicated to Confederate history? Well might he apologize–after the fact–but I think this omission was deliberate. There’s been a lot of right-wing obscurantist rewriting of history in the US South lately. And let’s not forget the Gubnor’s own damning declaration, earlier, that slavery was “not significant enough”. Hello? The right to legally OWN OTHER HUMAN BEINGS isn’t sufficiently “significant” to mention? Way to minimize the real Confederate history, you cracker wanker.

12. All the self-righteous fucking wankers who organized and attended that private prom in Mississippi. There are no words ugly enough to adequately describe you or your actions. So I’ll just say this: I hope that those who are not sincerely ashamed of their actions and/or making amends already, may you all get shunned, rejected and laughed at wherever else you all go, for all the rest of your days. May you get back a thousandfold what you dished out to those seven young people you so spitefully decided to exclude. Maybe
then you’ll get a taste of the hell that ostracized people have to live in, every day of their lives. There’s still time to repent and make amends, of course. And if you are REAL Christians, as you claim to be, that’s what you will do. No ifs, ands or buts.

And while you’re at it, you might also want to make amends to this former classmate of yours, who I’m sure would welcome the knowledge that some people have thought twice and decided to come out on the side of humanity.

13. Rahim Fucking Jaffer. I don’t know what’s funniest here–the booze, the coke, the drunk-driving, the shady bidness buddy…or the busty hookers (read: IMPLANTS). Oh wait, I forgot the REAL funniest part: Your big mouth. And that of your hooker-loving pal.

Sucks to be YOU, dude.

14. Helena Fucking Guergis. Wow, where to start with Mrs. Rahim Fucking Jaffer? There is just so much hinkitude about this woman, it boggles the mind. Tantrums in airports, million dollar mansions with no apparent down payment, phony letters of support, hubby caught with coke in his pocket after a boozy dinner with a crooked pal and busty hookers…and we may not have heard the worst of it yet! An RCMP probe promises to be juicy, but it’s the final graf in this story that really grabbed me:

Mr. Jaffer, once a young star in the Conservative caucus, lost his Edmonton seat in the 2008 election. He married Ms. Guergis the next day.

Dang, girl, how’s it feel to know you were the fallback position? I wouldn’t stand for that, but then, I’m a real feminist.

Sucks to be YOU, too.

15. Bill Fucking Donahue. Dumbest. Quote. EVER. (Not that anyone expects better out of this disgusting old rape-apologist.)

16. And speaking of disgusting people, how about that Newt Fucking Gingrich? His latest damp squib: Obama is too lean and fit to be president! Well, of course he would be. Everyone knows that Newty’s ideal candidate would have been old, white and heart-diseased, like The Big Dick. Or his own corpulent self.

17. Stephen Fucking Harper. Yes, Harpo’s at it again. His latest bit of shitbaggery: Not allowing bathroom breaks for female reporters. At this rate, you just wish one of them would squat over his shoes and show him how she really feels about that.

18. Whoever the fuck writes the National Fucking Pest’s fucking idiotic editorials. Fortunately, they got set straight by a reader who pointed out just how fucking idiotic they are. Not that it will make them do any better next time ’round, alas.

19. Sarah Fucking Palin. Yeah, we kind of guessed she wouldn’t be big on science. She’s stupider than shit, after all. But “snake oil”? Damn, girl, you need to re-examine the roots of your fundie religion. There’s an awful lot of snake-handling in there, and I suspect it’s got a lot to do with oil, too.

20. Bristol Fucking Palin. Yes, she’s fair game now that she’s thrust herself–AND HER BABY–into the limelight as a spokesperson for abstinence. Bristol speaking for abstinence is like screwing for chastity…oh wait, it IS screwing for chastity! She’s fucking with our heads. In the name of chastity.

Like mother, like daughter. Wankishness perpetuates itself on down the generations.

21. Bart Fucking Stupak. Best thing he ever did was retire. Pity he couldn’t do it BEFORE playing hell with healthcare reform, and using women’s bodies as his bargaining chip. Motherfucker, literally.

22. The Fucking “Male Studies” wankers. Not only do they hate women, they also haven’t the first clue what feminism is all about. If they think it’s about hating men, I have sad news for them. I’m a feminist, and I LIKE men. It’s sexists–and those who use bogus “science” to justify sexism–that I cannot abide. And if they have a problem with that, they’re gonna find themselves in real trouble trying to get dates to the Formal.

23. Don Fucking Blankenship. Rhymes with Wankenship, and that’s no coincidence. He should be in jail for murder, but what do you bet he’ll get off scot-free…and maybe even vote himself a tidy raise while he’s at it? Because I’m sure he doesn’t give a shit that his lobbying for ever-laxer safety laws are directly responsible for the deaths of all those miners in HIS filthy holes.

And finally, to two very special little boys who obviously get to school on a short bus. First, to “Fergy”, a.k.a. “ruralcounsel”, who was kind enough to leave me his e-mail when he made poopy here. You’re a goddamned sorry excuse even for a coward, but fortunately, I won’t let you hide behind the wall of anonymity that is the Internet. I’m gonna make sure everyo
ne gets to reach you and share with you their love. Maybe they’ll teach you something that you clearly don’t want to learn. And perhaps the Shoreham Telephone Company in Middlebury, Vermont, would care to hear how you’ve been abusing their service? That, too, can be arranged…so don’t try my patience.

And then there’s Jake Fucking Pearson. You picked the perfect place to out yourself there, dude. You are most certainly a wanker! And a BULLY, too! Tsk, tsk. Must be a closet masochist to ask for it like that.

Pity I don’t play your games, Jakey. Had you bothered to read my About page, you would have seen that I operate here on the baseball rule: Three strikes, you’re out. You had three chances to be rational and intelligent, and you blew them all. Actually, considering that your first post here was nothing but insults, you can count yourself lucky I didn’t flush it from my spam filter automatically, as such abusive posts actually deserve. So you have no right to whine that I’m being unfair to you. You only get to post here on MY terms, not yours. Your freedom of speech ends here when you abuse it to abuse me. And if you persist in trying, you’ll be IP-blocked at server level so I no longer even have to look at your shit before I flush the commode. I’m a closet sadist that way, I guess.

Good night, and get fucked.