News of the Restless

Yes, this is a real tattoo. And the dude who owns it weighed in here to brag about his blunder. Someone please inform him that the name “de León” doesn’t mean “dude who bones like a lion”, it just means your ancestors came from León.

It’s March, and no, Old Man Winter hasn’t croaked yet. Spring ain’t sprung, the grass ain’t riz, etc. That’s what we love to hate about March. It’s in like a lion, a mean old motherfucking lion, one with a thorn in its paw. Could that thorn be any of the following wankers?

1. Whoever the fuck is handing out these anonymous pamphlets, blaming women and their clothes for tempting men to “sin”. As my best friend pointed out when he sent me the link, “I think that if men can’t control themselves when they see women, perhaps they should have their eyes plucked out. Why aren’t these religious nutcases suggesting that instead? (Because it’s all about controlling women, not men.)” Bingo–it’s all about controlling women. Just as is rape. Coincidence? PS: I vote for castration and bi-manual amputation. Blind men can still grope.

2. Gerard Fucking Latulippe. He made his incriminating remarks as long ago as 2007, but just try substituting “Jews” for “Muslims” and see how that immigration policy flies. Oh wait, didn’t Jewish immigrants get turned away here in World War II? Why yes, they did!

3. Roy Fucking Ashburn. Most gay men come out to their nearest and dearest after some agonizing soul-searching and deliberation. This one (who is a professional homophobe in his day job) came out by accident. Specifically, a drunk-driving accident involving a male pal whom he met at a gay nightclub where they both had a few too many. Tsk, tsk, tsk.

4. Alykhan Fucking Velshi. Who is he to talk about Liberals “politicizing” the guide for new Canadians when it was his own damn party–yep, the Conservatives–who deliberately went out of their way to exclude our exemplary gay-rights legislation from all mention in said guide? What really gets me is that Velshi then goes on to politicize the issue by dredging up World War II and what the Liberals did (or failed to do) during that infamous period of racist internment camps and turning-away of Jewish refugees. As though the Conservatives wouldn’t have done all the same ugly things and then some!

5. Which leads us rather nicely to Jason Fucking Kenney. About whom I think I’ve said enough for one week. Maybe I’ll write him a nice limerick for St. Patti’s Day by way of making it up, faith and begorra.

Oh what the hell. Montreal Simon says it so much better than I could, anyway!

(PS: And don’t forget to join up.)

6. Sarah Fucking Palin. Oh gawd, here comes another fucking book that she didn’t really write, about a subject she really knows nothing about, filled to the gills with the usual insincerity and bullshit, for the purpose of ginning up some easy money and political fervor among the wingnut sheeple who can always be counted on to vote against their own interests. Profiles in Courage it will not be, because she is no Jack Kennedy…but hey, that won’t stop HER! Yippee-ti-yi-yo-cowpatties.

PS: Stay the fuck out of my country, you mad cow!

7. Trent Fucking Franks. “Half of all black children are aborted.” O RLY? And what orifice did you pull that statistic from, pray tell us, sir? Newsflash: A fetus is not a child until it’s born. PS: Way to justify slavery, dickweed.

8. Michael Fucking Cannon. At least, given the obscenity, that’s what I think the middle initial stands for.

9. Stephen Fucking Harper. “Thou dost in us command”, dost thou? No, thou dost NOT. The existing line may be sexist, but at least it leaves us some semblance of individual choice (“in all thy sons’ command”). Worse, the so-called revision is actually a reversion to something even more archaic! If you’re gonna rewrite “O Canada”, how about getting rid of clichés (“from far and wide”) and theocracy (“God keep our land”) first? Better still, how about not pissing all over the women of Canada, so you won’t have to rejigger the anthem to pretend-appease the full half of the population you’ve offended with your shitty policies?

10. Jim Fucking Bunning. Must be seen to be believed, and fortunately, I’ve got just the visual aid for YOU, kiddies:

But of course, there are no unemployed people in Kentucky. Jobs grow on trees there, don’t they, Jim? And recessionary times are all the fertilizer they need. Yeah.

11. Andrew Fucking Breitbart. Such a wanktard, he deserves to have a neologism or two coined on his name. So, spread this meme, kiddies: A breitbart is any wingnut so blinded by his own ideological rabies that he’ll fall for any other blind, ideologically-rabid wingnut’s shit and endorse it wholeheartedly, sight unseen, no questions asked, as long as that shit flies and sticks to something, yippee! And to breitbart is to spread blind, ideologically-rabid wingnuttery without questioning for a nanosecond whether, in fact, it is true.

Examples:

Jesus, my roommate is such a breitbart. He thinks God sent the earthquake to punish Chile for having a leftist president.

So, what’s Rush Fucking Limbaugh breitbarting on about today?

See how easy and fun that is? A noun, a verb. Now run with ’em.

12. Dav
id Fucking Grisham. Now, I’m not into swinging; I’m more into just living and letting live. Unless, of course, we’re talking about nosy-parking preacher-men who make life hell on Earth for anyone of whom they disapprove. In that case, I say it’s a lewd and disgusting lifestyle, and the preacher’s not bound for hell, he’s there already and actively working for Satan, trying to drag in every soul he can. Including a bunch of harmless people whose only offence is to engage in polyamorous behavior behind closed doors with other consenting adults. When the preacher’s own son is so perverted by his dad’s wickedness that he hacks computers and steals other people’s private information to defame them, you just know you’re dealing with the rankest kind of immorality right there.

13. Howard Fucking Schultz. Yes, please do explain to us what entitles you to such a massive pay hike at a time when Starbucks is closing hundreds of locations all over the map and throwing people out of work at the worst possible time. Oh wait, let me guess…it’s all the money you saved on keeping those places running and those people in work. You bumped up the profits and the share price artificially. THAT’s what entitles you…to a spot on this week’s wank list.

14. Bart Fucking Stupak. Healthcare reform saves lives. So does the right to a safe, legal abortion as early as possible, or as late as necessary. Public funding would make it a lifesaver for women who can’t afford to travel or pay exorbitant rates out of pocket. But Bart is determined that it will never happen as long as he has “principles” to hold his breath and turn blue in the face for. Because he’s just that “pro-life”, don’cha know?

15. Orly Fucking Taitz. Running for office? Surely you jest. But the makeover’s not a bad idea. If only they could do something with her head from the inside…

16. Jim Fucking Flaherty. When Bay Street approves your budget, you just fucking know it’s bad. I hated him when he was finance minister of Ontario, and I hate him even more now. Because like all the bad pennies of fiscal-conservative Wingnuttia, this one has an uncanny ability to fall up.

And finally, to the two personal wankers I got this week. First, a song dedicated to them…take it away, Ms. Kelis:

Y’know, fellas, just because I pretended last week to bemoan the lack of trolls, doesn’t mean you’re actually invited to pile on. Yes, that means you…

…Jim Fucking Burke. When you’ve done some studying and gleaned some nuanced insights into what sort of person Che Guevara really was, dude, you’re welcome to come on back here and engage in an actual, honest discussion. But glib little one-line crapaganda drops will earn you an insta-ban and a deliberately mispronounced adiós.

…and Mike Fucking Hanson (yes, this one was dumb enough to use his real surname on his Hotmail addy, and his real first name on his post). Dude, you are so full of fail that you make it wayyyyy too easy for me to pwn you. Coming on here from your work computer at a fertilizer company and then lying to me that you work for ExxtortionMobil? You must have even less knowledge of how the Internets work than you have of what’s really going on in Venezuela. If someone like me, with no hacking skills to speak of, can trace you to your office with a simple IP locator found on the Google, that’s a sure sign that you’re not destined for a great career in disinfo-trolling.

Goodnight, and get fucked!