News of the Restless

When it’s a pissing contest, remember…whoever “wins”, is still a wanker. Here are this week’s winners–or rather, wieners:

1. and 2. The two dumb wankers who peed in Old Faithful while the famously timely geyser wasn’t erupting. A pity it couldn’t have shot up and boiled their balls. Firing and fining is entirely too good for them.

3. Jim Fucking Cramer. A normal human being would admit he was wrong, apologize and stop doing it. Not Mad Money Jim. He vows revenge against Jon Stewart for showing him in his true (unflattering) colors. That’s even LESS smart than all the dumb wankery that got him the Stewart treatment in the first place.

4. Bill Fucking Keller. Congratulations, you’ve totally killed the Old Grey Whore. It’s not enough for the NYT to make “a lot, a LOT” of money from digital advertising; no, you just decided you HAD to charge by the word and scare away what little dedicated readership you had left. Well, it’s not as if the old gal was an accurate purveyor of information anyway. I imagine most people are only reading it for the crosswords nowadays, or maybe the recipe pages. If you really care about making people want to read the NYT, here’s a good place to start: FIRE SIMON ROMERO. And from there, proceed to cleanse out all the other hacks, spooks and shills. You can’t call it a newspaper if the “news” is not worth the paper–or the electrons–it’s printed on.

5. Luis Fucking Fleischman. Chavistas, a “threat”? To whom? Oh yeah, the YewEssAy. Venezuela is as big a threat as al-Qaida! But where? Only in the fever swamp of Screwy Louie’s right-wing brain. This silly piece was published at something calling itself The Cutting Edge News, but it reads like the same diarrhea we’ve been getting from all the usual unreliable sources for the last ten years. Actually, it reads like that same diarrhea, redigested and regurgitated all over the dog’s dish. Blurrrrghhhhh.

6. Christopher Fucking Sabatini. If you’re not defending the “right to private property” of those who already have more than any one person can possibly live on (or off of), who aren’t using it to produce anything, and who got it all by screwing others out of it (usually by mercenary murder or by forcing them off it to fend for themselves in the Caracas slums), then you’re violating universal human rights. No shit, he really said that. Can we possibly cry more crocodile tears for the Venezuelan oligarchy? Sorry, my lachrymal ducts are dry. And they are apt to remain that way, unless Old Faithful happens to erupt while I’m standing over it looking down.

7. Tim Fucking Graham. He styles himself “Director of Media Analysis at the Media Research Center”. O rly? Funny, he looks to me like a fat right-wing slob, weakly defending another fat right-wing slob (Rush Fucking Limbaugh, if you must know) by attacking, in his very first line, the manhood of progressive talk show host Ron Reagan Jr. (who is, in my not so humble estimation, much more of a man than his father was.) Only, of course, Graham isn’t man enough to do it directly, so he puts his words in the mouth of some nebulous, and probably imaginary, “they”. The only problem is, Reagan was right–the Pigman IS fair game. Need I remind you of why?

Picking on a man with a real, chronic, degenerative disease–by mimicking the signs and symptoms of that disease? Pure class, lardass.

Yeah, Tim, you picked a real winner to defend. Especially since his Viagra use is a fact.

8. Glenn Fucking Beck. In answer to the title question at the link, I’d have to go with “yes, he IS a lying sack of dog mess”. Only, of course, I wouldn’t be as polite as Whoopi Goldberg was about it. I think I’d come right out and call him a walking hemorrhoid. He’s fair game, too.

9. Manuel Fucking Rosales. Still yapping politics even under a Peruvian gag order? That should spell expulsion, but we all know that Alan Fucking García loves him a corrupto.

And finally, that damn troll who keeps spamming this blog with nonsense and gibberish and links that lead nowhere. You know who you are, asshole, and this song’s for you: