News of the Restless

Who’s a bigger assclown than what some other assclown painted on this kitty’s rear end? Well, this week it is…

1. Ashton Fucking Dumbass Kutcher. Watch this and learn how NOT to complain effectively, kiddies:

Nice house, shame about the dickweed in it. And no, I’m not talking about the guy building at ungodly hours next door. “I’m gonna lose it on him”–uh, Ashton? If you feel the need to make a crappy, kvetchy video for the whole world to see, you’ve already lost it. Next time, just buy a $2 pair of earplugs and use them. They worked for Jane Fonda (who is NOT a dickweed), so maybe they can work for you.

2. Kenneth Fucking Dickweed Flottman. Shit, what’s a thousand or more dead Kenyans if you have a “political outcome” to “manage” to your “nonpartisan” (i.e. REPUBLICAN) NGO’s liking? And to think that we peons here in the “partisan” (i.e. NOT REPUBLICAN) world wondered why Kenya erupted in violence during last year’s electoral farce. Well, now we know. It was all that “political outcome management”, stupid!

3. Chris Fucking Nazi Kraul. Never mind the “mob rule” (it’s called DEMOCRACY) in mostly indigenous Bolivia (which, after 200-some years as a republic, finally has a nice, progressive president who actually looks like the average Bolivian.) How about the mob rule of racists writing in the English-language newspapers? Will we ever get a mainstream media report from South America that doesn’t ring a kajillion alarm bells about a backlash against white people that just ain’t happening? Not from the likes of this one we won’t. And accurate reporting? Perish forbid! That would make it look like someone actually liked those uppity Injuns, and was making an effort to comprehend their situation. And, heaven knows, we couldn’t have that. What would all the poor, oppressed white people think?

4. And speaking of poor, oppressed white people, how about that James Alexander Fucking Kluker McQuirter. Neo-Nazi and KKK connections? Ecoterrorism and scams? Way to give Canada a bad name in Panama, DICKWEED.

5. And while we’re on the subject of North American neo-Nazis, take a gander at Glenn Fucking Asshole Beck, the latest in a long and skulking line of right-wing America-haters:

This drives Beck to the “edge of insanity”? Dude, trust me–you are long since over the cliff. And your race to the bottom with the Man of the Too-Tight Facelift is considerably less entertaining than watching Wile E. Coyote and Sylvester doing this:

6. José María Fucking Aznar. We always knew he was a neo-fascist, and now we have proof. He actually thinks the invasion of Gaza was justified.

Guess Bush’s butt isn’t the only one this dickweed could lick. He’s also a Likudnik-licker.

7. And speaking of Fucking Dubya’s butt, it seems that we are not through seeing the mooning backside of him yet, nor will we be for quite some time. Check out this chart at Sadly, No!–and then tell me with a straight face that it’s all because he inherited a recession from Bill Clinton (which just happened to become apparent as his eight years in office expired???), and that conservatives know what the fuck they’re talking about on any fiscal matter under the sun. Can’t do it? Then you just might not be an assclown yourself. (At least, not a total one. But if you still believe in the power of Fiscal Conservatism, I have sad news for you.)

8. The reckless shitfuck doctor or doctors who impregnated Nadya Suleman with the octuplets–and also all six of her previous children. WTF is wrong with these people? Can they not tell who is a poor candidate for IVF? Do they simply believe it is not their job to screen for mental as well as physical health risks? Can they not say NO once in a while? Or is there just no red flag that a fistful of borrowed dollars, waved under their noses, won’t magically vaporize?

9. BTW, Nadya Fucking Suleman isn’t exactly the Virgin Mary, either. I can understand having one or two children, or even three, by artificial fertility measures, but do the words STOP and ENOUGH not mean anything? How about that big one, RESPONSIBILITY? Suppose she had died, leaving all 14 of her children parentless. Yes, it could happen, and in her case, the risk factor was already there. An injury put her on the dole before even her first child was conceived, never mind this litter that put her name in the news. She’s also depressive–a condition that childbearing won’t fix, but proper psychological treatment can. And please, spare me the “only child in a dysfunctional family” excuse; this sort of thing is only perpetuating the dysfunction, not curing it. Most disgusting is all the money she’s looking to rake in now–$2 million at last count. Yes, but what about the kids? For a small sneak preview of what’s ahead for them, read up on the Dionne Quints.

10. I’m sure the anti-choice movement considers this woman to be a saint for not undergoing fetal reduction, but that’s because they’re fucking assclowns, too.

11. And you know who else is an assclown? Anyone recommending the “free market” approach to medicine, especially as pertains to fertility. Yes, Simon Fucking Jenkins, I’m looking at you. This didn’t happen in Great Britain, where the system is regulated (too much for some people’s liking), it happened in the good ol’ USA–the only First World industrialized country where medicine lives in the Third World. Take a good look at India–there’s your “freedom”, marketmaniacs. And it really DOES equal slavery if you let the market take care of it all.

12. And for a whole room full of assclowns–some free-market, some enslaved-woman, and some (Goddess only knows how) both–how about that Pajamas Fucking So-Called Media concept? Down in flames, you say? Well, gee…considering how lame it was from the very outset, the only wonder is that it lasted as long as it did.

13. Now, just for a little change of pace (or clothes), how about that Andrew Fucking Dumbass Card. Because the casual look is only okay if Repugnicans do it. Or is it because the non-white “help” should never be seen by Their White Lordships without a jacket and tie? Whatever. Obama’s the elected president, not the fucking White House butler. He can wear what he pleases.

14. Back to the Wild West of medicine for a moment. Ladies and gentlemen, give it up for Sheyla Fucking Dumbass Hershey, the latest candidate for inclusion on Awful Plastic Surgery Dot Com. She couldn’t get “enough” silicone for her implants in her home state of Texas, so she’s gone to Brazil, where there are no safety regs to prevent her from blowing her breasts up and killing herself in the process. Which boob is bigger–she or her silicone falsies? SHE is. And this doctor can tell you why–from disturbing personal experience.

15. Oh and you’ll never guess who else made Awful Plastic Surgery already!

That wraps the bile-spewage for this week. Apologies to Greengeeta for not finding a way to fit Doug Fucking Election Rigger Schoen in there anywhere, but BoRev has all anyone needs to know about him.