News of the Restless

Quotable: Brian Bilston on national identities

Posted on October 2, 2017 by Sabina Becker

And in light of the latest mass shooting and the political inaction that’s bound to follow, those final two lines are the kicker.

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Posted in Brazil is the Bomb!, Confessions of a Bad German, Don't Cry For Argentina, Going Dutch, Greek Salad, Guns, Guns, Guns, Hungarian Goulash, Merry Old England, Morticia! You Spoke French!, Oceania, Quotable Notables, The United States of Amnesia, True Scotsmen (and WOMEN!), Turning Japanese | Comments Off

Donnie Drumpf’s Dubya moment

Posted on October 2, 2017 by Sabina Becker

A general calls out Donnie for his poor response to Hurricane Maria’s devastation of Puerto Rico, and does so in no uncertain terms. He calls out everything from his outdated crony capitalism (the Jones Act, which enables Donnie’s Wall Street buddies to profiteer, dates back to the crapitalist disaster that was the Roaring Twenties), to his outright racism.

And yes, Kanye West’s blurt about Dubya made it into the mix, too. Because the parallels are just too painfully obvious.

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Posted in BushCo Death Watch, Der Drumpf, Economics for Dummies, Environmentally Ill, Filthy Stinking Rich, Human Rights FAIL, Puerto Rico, Gente Pobre, The United States of Amnesia, W is for Weak (and Stupid) | Comments Off

Music for a Sunday: Tell me over and over and over again…

Posted on October 1, 2017 by Sabina Becker

Here, have my earworm:

Honestly, it’s heartbreaking how little has changed since this was first released, innit?

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Wankers of the Week: Taking a knee…to the groin!

Posted on September 29, 2017 by Sabina Becker

Crappy weekend, everyone! And a very crappy one to all the NFLers and everyone else taking a knee for justice, and against racism and police brutality. Kidding! I wish you folks the best. But here’s who deserves to take a knee to the groin, in no particular order:

1. Richard Fucking Petty. Oh, you’re going to put anyone on your team who protests the national anthem of the United States of Amnesia on a Greyhound, are you? Well, Dickie, nobody can hereby accuse you of not living up to your surname. And, gentle reader, if you ever wonder why NASCAR is slowly circling the bottom of the bowl, now you have your answer.

2. Vincent Fucking Cerfalo. I don’t care what your excuses are, dude. YOU DO NOT HIT KIDS AND YOU DO NOT CALL THEM RACIAL SLURS. What part of that is so complicated?

3. Steve Fucking Mnuchin. What Ted Lieu said. The First Amendment isn’t magically cancelled by an NFL uniform and a football field, dumbass.

4. Pete Fucking Hegseth. You know you’re less than credible when even the cheerleader next to you has to roll her eyes at your shit. And yeah, it’s shit when you say the US is the “least racist” country on Earth. With its history of race-based slavery and indigenous genocide that was so bad it actually inspired Adolf Hitler, your country has NOTHING to brag about.

5. Tony Fucking Blair. Because it was about time for Toady Bliar to start wanking again, and of course, to wipe it on Bernie Sanders while not saying boo about Donnie. Just what you’d expect of Dubya’s Poodle, eh?

6. David Fucking Hookstead. Oh, so an anonymous “shareholder” of the Green Bay Packers is an “owner”, now? And he’s “livid” about the anti-racism protests? Yeah, right, dude. But hey! I can see how you came to write for Fucker Carlson’s dumbass rag.

7. Robert Fucking Jeffress. Say, preacher…don’t you have some Christian charity to attend to? Like, I dunno..relief for hurricane victims, maybe? Oh, I see — you don’t. I guess I should be really surprised that you’re one of those Southern Baptists, shouldn’t I?

8. Ryan Fucking Zinke. It may surprise you to learn this, but departmental employees don’t owe one iota of loyalty to Donnie Fucking Drumpf OR “the flag”. They are public servants; they work for the PUBLIC, which Donnie and you most certainly ain’t. And which the flag — an inanimate object — is not, either.

9. Mike Fucking Pence. Why the fuck would Alaskans know anything at all about the “failings” of the Canadian single-payer healthcare system? They don’t use it. Not even Sarah Fucking Palin, who can see Russia from her own house, would assume something so fucking daft.

10. Sidney Fucking Crosby. Well, well. Look who’s a closet endorser of racism. Yes, that’s right, it’s Sid the Kid…Canada’s national disappointment. Who has finally taken his place alongside Wayne Fucking Gretzky in the annals of hockey assholery.

11. Paul Fucking Smith. He’s keeping a list of “no-good niggers”? Well, guess who made my list of no-good crackers? Yeah. THIS guy. Who is now out of a job because of HIS listkeeping. Ha, ha. PS: And don’t blame the media for making you look racist. You did that yourself…by BEING racist.

12. Jeff Fucking Sessions. Yes, yes, dumbfuck, we KNOW Donnie has free-speech rights too. And just like you, he keeps abusing them in loud bursts of utter cluelessness. Put a sock in it, already.

13. Anton Fucking Uhl. Kneeling down to protest a racist anthem is disrespectful? And painting a swastika all over the Steelers’ logo for their peaceful protest against police brutality somehow isn’t? We are truly through the Looking Glass here, folks.

14. Megyn Fucking Kelly. Hey stupid, people don’t turn gay just because they saw a gay character on TV. But I bet watching YOU in action has cost more than a few of them more brain cells than they could afford to lose.

15. Kriste Fucking Kibbey Fucking Etue. Why the double Fucking? Because when your state police are overwhelmingly white, and you come out against a protest targeting racism and police brutality, it’s just that bad of a look for you. Why not just plaster Confederate flags and swastikas all over your badges? It would essentially amount to the same thing.

16. Stephen Fucking Pina. How the hell is “Dance, monkey, dance” NOT a racist thing to say to black footballers? And how is it not racist to assume that all they should be thinking about is entertaining a yutz like you? Jesus.

17. Steven Fucking Seagal. Who? Oh, just some washed-up action movie guy who now does duty as a crapagandist for the Kremlin. And who, cutely, thinks his opinion of protesting NFLers matters. (Is it just me, or does he also look like Seb Fucking Gorka’s twin to you?)

18. Mark Fucking Walker. Hey conservative women, do you still think you don’t need feminism? Because this guy is proof that you damn well DO. Literally all he really values you for is your looks. And that, under conservatism, is all you’ll ever have going for you. Remember that.

19. Jason Fucking Burle. Oh sure, your “Lynch Kaepernick” doormat totally isn’t a race thing. You’re just so punny and clever, giggle giggle. Well, just you wait…your business is gonna dry up. Ha, ha.

20. Rick Fucking Wiles. Everything is a communist conspiracy. Including what is not. But hey! If you wanna talk commie conspiracies, have I got the West Point grad for you!

21. John Fucking Valko. And AGAIN with the racist shitbag bar owners calling for lynchings. Gawd, it’s like this is some kind of pattern, or something.

22. John Fucking Tory. Rename Centennial Park after Rob Bumbaclot McBumblefuck Ford? How about naming it after the guys he smoked crack with, instead? I mean, that could just as easily be construed as a “unique approach to public service” as anything else he’s done, fer fucksakes.

23. Hope Fucking Carpenter. You know you’ve fucked up when your megachurch pastor has to apologize to the parishioners on your behalf. And sure enough, saying that “only Jesus” can fix racism? Yup, that’s one HELL of a fuckup.

24. Melania Fucking Drumpf. If you’re trying to promote literacy, great. But an even better way to do so would be to exercise some on your own part, and donate to schools that actually have a need for the donation. And above all, don’t get snappish with those who turn it down. Thus ends today’s lesson in how to be a classy First Lady. Tune in next week, when I remind you again that the color of your skin is not a reflection of your character as a person!

25. Theodore Fucking Beale. Awwwww. Wooky who scammed his moron followers out of a couple thousand that he’ll end up pocketing without producing anything that even comes close to rivalling the offerings of DC and Marvel Comics! And he seems awfully angwy, too. Does he haz a mad because that undocumented alien Superman protected some OTHER undocumented immigrants? Methinks I smell a triggered snowflake…AND a grifter. Hey, no reason he can’t be both, just as he’s both a fascist AND a fucking idiot!

26. Tucker Fucking Carlson. Oh, so it’s “imprecise” to call the Bowtie Boy a “white nationalist”? I agree. It sounds much too nice…and like a very imprecise euphemism for NAZI.

27. Richard Fucking Smith. $90 million (US) for failing to stop a massive security breach? Tell ya what, how about saving all that moolah for the payouts to affected individuals, and retiring him without a cent, instead?

28. Paul Fucking Ryan. Nobody is EVER “misguided” to protest racism and police brutality, anytime, ANYWHERE. But trying to make it out to be about the flag and the anthem and a bunch of fucking statues (which it actually isn’t)? Yeah, that’s a wank.

29. Sheila Fucking Zilinski. Oh lordy, is there any idiotic comparison between the NFL and Things NOT the NFL that she didn’t make? I don’t know, and I can’t be arsed to filter through any more of her brain-deadening sludge to find it.

30. Julian Fucking Fantino. My, my, what a difference a few years make. He’s gone from railing against grow-ops…to wanting to start his own. How about just saying NO, Jules?

And finally, to all the fucking Repugs who are keeping aid from reaching Houston and Puerto Rico. Who knew that charity was so contingent on bigotry, greed, and stupidity? Donnie, for one. And these motherfuckers, for others. All of them deserve to be exposed, ridiculed, backed into every conceivable corner…and finally, IMPEACHED AND FROG-MARCHED TO PRISON FOR MURDER.

Good night, and get fucked!

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So long, Hef…and thanks for NOTHING.

Posted on September 28, 2017 by Sabina Becker

So, the long overdue has finally happened: Hugh Hefner is dead.

He leaves behind four children, two ex-wives, and one current one who stands to inherit…NOTHING. That’s right, folks, she gets bupkus, thanks to a pre-nup that Hef had her sign on the eve of their ill-considered marriage:

Hugh Hefner’s wife reportedly won’t get a penny after it was announced that the Playboy editor died this morning, aged 91.

Crystal Harris, 31, married Hefner in 2012 in a New Year’s Eve ceremony that took place at the infamous Playboy mansion.

Harris is reported to have signed an “ironclad” prenuptial contract, which prohibits her from inheriting any of Hefner’s $43m (£32m) fortune, a source revealed to Us Weekly shortly after the couple tied the knot.

Instead, the original Playboy’s assets will be split between his four adult children, the University of Southern California film school, and several charities.

The two were originally set to marry in June 2011, however, five days before the ceremony was due to take place, Harris called it off.

Before they successfully managed to rekindle things, Harris went on The Howard Stern show to talk about the break up and admitted that she was “not turned on by Hef.”

However, she later publicly apologised for her comments and told Us that the two were hugely excited about their impending nuptials in the lead up to the big day.

And they say love is dead. Relax, folks, it ain’t goin’ nowhere, because it was nowhere in this shambolic marriage to begin with. (And, to all the “Christian” conservative types who are constantly hyperventilating about LGBT people ruining marriage if they ever get to have same-sex spouses: How about all the straight people like Hef ruining it for the rest of us, who, if we marry, will still have other-sex spouses? Or do marriages for money and so-called prestige somehow not count as degrading?)

Of course, the eulogies are already pouring out, claiming that Hef “liberated” sexuality. He did no such thing. He enforced the strict, sexist gender norms of his day. As a deeply sexist publication where the men got to keep their pajamas on while the women had to strip down to bunny ears and corsets with cotton tails, Playboy was, if anything, an anachronism by the time the real liberator of female sexuality, the birth-control pill, made its debut. And it was even MORE of an anachronism by the time safe abortion finally became legal. By the time the first “abortion pill”, RU-486, debuted, Playboy was downright old hat. And at no time, ever, did it make women feel free to love and have sex with whomever they chose; that credit goes to feminism, and the reliable birth control methods it championed, as well as the alternative life options it raised. It goes to women — straight, gay, bi, pan, asexual, cis- and transgender. (And if any of it must devolve to men, let us now sing the praises of Dr. Carl Djerassi, who gave us the Pill — or, here in Canada, Dr. Henry Morgentaler, a Holocaust survivor who regarded abortion as a basic human right, and didn’t stop pushing the whole clinic-vs.-hospital debate until abortion was out of the Criminal Code and in the Canada Health Act, where it belongs.)

So. What DID Hef do for sexuality, then? He did sweet fuck-all, people. Well, all right, let’s give him credit for one thing: He did liberate straight male wankers from the ignominy and boredom of having to masturbate with nothing in hand but the obvious. It’s always easier to get off with a glossy, airbrushed, silicone-enhanced dream girl under your nose than it is to try to use your imagination, right?

Oh yeah, and I guess we can also credit him with “liberating” those same men, if that’s the right term, from the ever-onerous work of actually building healthy relationships with women, instead of pseudo-relationships with images. Hey, who needs to grow up and actually learn what makes women tick, much less cater to it, when there’s a barely-legal “Playmate”, fresh every month, to indulge your perennial immaturity without breaking your carefully nurtured self-delusions by saying a word? Not the sort of man who “reads” Playboy, that’s for sure.

Yes, yes, I know, they published some good articles. And some good short stories, too, back in the day. Even my feminist literary idol, Ursula K. Le Guin, had a space-opera in there, back in the early days of her career, titled “Nine Lives”. It was about a group of clones — half male, half female — who passed some of their spare time in deep space having sex with one another, thus raising the provocative question: Is it incest…or masturbation? Less provocative, but more thought-provoking, was the fact that her story appeared under the vaguely masculine byline of “U.K. Le Guin”. That was the Playboy editors’ decision. She made light of it by wondering what else the initials could represent: “Ulysses Kingfisher?” Nevertheless, her first appearance in their fiction section ended up as a one-off; she got the impression that, despite their reputation for nurturing new writers, they weren’t very supportive of female authors.

And she was right about that; the publication, on the whole, wasn’t a great place for women. Respect for females was always much lower than it was for males. Even those who got to have their navels stapled were required to sleep with Hef to get the “coveted” centrefold slot. Yes, that’s right, they really had to BE “Playmates”, at least once. Whether they wanted to or not. (Most, I’m guessing, didn’t want to, but figured that it paid better than the other kind of prostitution.)

Well, you ask, how about those risqué Playboy Clubs? Yes, what about them? As far as I’m concerned, the last word on those goes to Gloria Steinem, who went undercover as a Bunny trainee and exposed them for the dens of piss-soaked hypocrisy they were. Oh sure, Bunnies were supposedly “protected” by the house rules, but more often than not, they were expected to bend them for wealthy cronies of Hef’s, who expected not only fawning attention from the help, but sexual favors as well. (And who got them, more often than not, because it was that or be kicked out. Losing the “Bunny Image” could happen any number of ways, and gaining weight was the least of it.)

As for the “iconic” Playboy mansion, it was a hellhole for women. Not only because those who resided there had to put up with Hef (and that was a job and a half at times), but because it was unsanitary and stank of dogshit. The Jacuzzi alone must have been the breeding ground of at least a dozen new superbugs. And if the bugs didn’t fell you, the drugs probably did; Hef kept a stash of Quaaludes, which he charmingly called “thigh openers”, on hand for any girls who were reluctant (read: too sober) to put out for “Daddy”. Who, of course, took Viagra later on, when the flesh got too weak to stand on its own.

But if they were expected to throw themselves at Hef’s head (the lesser one, natch), the “Playmates” were more cloistered than Fifties housewives. Nothing sexual was allowed to happen in the mansion except at you-know-whose behest. The gates on the place, as one Playmate observed, seemed less designed to keep undesirables out than to keep the Bunnies in the hutch. Including the last Mrs. Hefner, who was all of one-third her husband’s age…and who now has nothing to show for her marriage of dubious convenience.

If this is sexual liberation, it’s a very shabby one-way street. One that no woman with any dignity or self-esteem would want to go down. And now, with Hef gone, it’s a dead end…one where nobody will deign to go before too long.

So long, Hef, and thanks for nothing.

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Posted in Canadian Counterpunch, Crapagandarati, Der Drumpf, Do As I Say..., Drrrrruuuugs, Filthy Stinking Rich, Human Rights FAIL, If You REALLY Care, Isn't It Ironic?, Men Who Just Don't Get It, Obits and 'bobs, Stupid Sex Tricks, Teh Heterostoopid, The Nausea, The United States of Amnesia, Uppity Wimmin | Comments Off

German antifascist explains latest election result

Posted on September 28, 2017 by Sabina Becker

Today’s bit of must-see video comes courtesy of a guy named Jacob, who called in to Sam Seder’s show from Germany to talk a bit about the elections there:

What’s really cool is that this guy isn’t some glossy media type, nor is he a political neophyte, but an antifascist with over 20 years’ experience in the arena. Definitely worth playing on repeat so you get the whole gist.

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Posted in Confessions of a Bad German, The United States of Amnesia | Comments Off

Obama warned Facebook — wait, WHAT?

Posted on September 26, 2017 by Sabina Becker

Why, oh WHY, was this not making the headlines back when it really mattered?

Nine days after Facebook chief executive Mark Zuckerberg dismissed as “crazy” the idea that fake news on his company’s social network played a key role in the U.S. election, President Barack Obama pulled the youthful tech billionaire aside and delivered what he hoped would be a wake-up call.

For months leading up to the vote, Obama and his top aides quietly agonized over how to respond to Russia’s brazen intervention on behalf of the Donald Trump campaign without making matters worse. Weeks after Trump’s surprise victory, some of Obama’s aides looked back with regret and wished they had done more.

Now huddled in a private room on the sidelines of a meeting of world leaders in Lima, Peru, two months before Trump’s inauguration, Obama made a personal appeal to Zuckerberg to take the threat of fake news and political disinformation seriously, though the president did not single out Russia specifically. Unless Facebook and the government did more to address the threat, Obama warned, it would only get worse in the next presidential race.

Zuckerberg acknowledged the problem posed by fake news. But he told Obama that those messages weren’t widespread on Facebook and that there was no easy remedy, according to people briefed on the exchange, who spoke on the condition of anonymity to share details of a private conversation.

The conversation on Nov. 19 was a flashpoint in a tumultuous year in which Zuckerberg came to recognize the magnitude of a new threat — a coordinated assault on a U.S. election by a shadowy foreign force that exploited the social network he created.

Like the U.S. government, Facebook didn’t foresee the wave of disinformation that was coming and the political pressure that followed. The company then grappled with a series of hard choices designed to shore up its own systems without impinging on free discourse for its users around the world.

D’oh!

Of course, even His Barackness was way late off the mark with this one. He had been “quietly agonizing” for MONTHS? Why did he not take a leaf from the enemy’s book and immediately get on the media in every possible venue to denounce fake news on Facebook? Hell, he could even have done so on his own Facebook page! Or his @POTUS Twitter account. Donnie certainly wasn’t shy about denouncing “fake news” (which, of course, isn’t so fake) on HIS tweeter. In fact, that’s all he ever does, especially now, with his reputation in the toilet. He’s too busy retweeting crappy animations and photoshops and fauxtrage by fascist trolls to be bothered with the nitty-gritty of actually living and working at the White House instead of puttering around on one of his butt-ugly golf courses. I’m not saying that Obama should have been out there retweeting fawning messages and glurge from his followers, but could he not have at least issued an official warning about the danger of all those pro-Drumpf mushroom sites from Macedonia? It’s not as though he didn’t have a legit following big enough to make it go instantly viral…

But no. That wouldn’t have been No-Drama’s style, would it? “They go low, we go high” — yeah, brilliant move. That just gave the rats ample space to stampede in between his shiny-shod feet. To outwit a rat, you have to think like a rat…and keep a herd of cats. Not take to the back channel with a barely-adult frat bro like Fuckerberg, who is more committed to Freeze Peach (and the deep pockets of Peter Thiel) than he is to rule of law, fairness, honesty, transparency, and all that other pesky democratic governance shit.

Aaand now, thanks to all that fake news — of Russian provenance or good ol’ Bush-league home-grown dumbassery — AND thanks to Facebook’s strangely selective commitment to freedom of speech — the US of Amnesia has a fake president. And a very real problem with its so-called democracy. One which has turned the country itself into one of those banana republics they used to control, back when the CIA was in charge of Latin America.

And whether or not he was behind Dotard Drumpf’s fake election, ol’ Pooty-Poot is laughing all the way to his gangster cronies’ bank.

Sad.

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Posted in Balkan Yogurt, Crapagandarati, Der Drumpf, Facecrooks, Fascism Without Swastikas, Filthy Stinking Rich, Fine Young Cannibals, Human Rights FAIL, If You REALLY Care, Isn't It Ironic?, Isn't That Illegal?, Karma 1, Dogma 0, Mobsters, Newspeak is Nospeak, Obamarama!, Spooks, Teh Russkies, The Hardcore Stupid, The United States of Amnesia | Comments Off

Music for a Sunday: My current mood

Posted on September 24, 2017 by Sabina Becker

Sometimes I feel like a motherless child. This is one of those times.

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Donnie’s pathetic anti-Venezuela salvo falls flat

Posted on September 23, 2017 by Sabina Becker

People didn’t clap for Donnie’s call for sanctions against Venezuela. They snickered. Because it IS pretty damn dumb to praise “sovereignty” on the one hand, and then go undermining it just because you hate it when it takes the form of democratic, freely chosen socialism, as it does in Venezuela.

And just think, people, this antidemocratic, human-rights-trampling drivel is what Justin “Sunny Ways” Trudeau and Chrystia “How Dare You Call My Grandpa a Nazi” Freeland are standing behind. That makes THEM pathetic, too.

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Posted in Canadian Counterpunch, Der Drumpf, Do As I Say..., Fascism Without Swastikas, Huguito Chavecito, Human Rights FAIL, Isn't It Ironic?, The United States of Amnesia | Comments Off

Wankers of the Week: Mr. Drumpf goes to the UN

Posted on September 22, 2017 by Sabina Becker

Crappy weekend, everyone! And an especially crappy one to the imaginary citizens of Nambia, who I’m sure are thrilled that Donnie the Dotard’s friends are coming to exploit them while his sons come to shoot all their wildlife into extinction. Proof positive that evolution works the other way, too, and that degeneracy is eating at the heart of whiteness. As are all of these other missing links, in no particular order:

1. Kellyanne Fucking Conway. Well, well. Look who’s easy with the insults. Yeah. HER. Who sees no problem in “defending” the most insulting piece of shit in the world from a bit of mild ribbing at the Emmys. Sad!

2. Aaron Fucking Bernstine. Once more for the hard-of-comprehension dude at the back: HITTING PEOPLE WITH YOUR CAR ON PURPOSE IS STILL A CRIMINAL OFFENCE, ASSHOLE. It doesn’t matter whether you agree with them politically or not. It doesn’t matter if you’re late for work. None of that shit matters. What matters is that YOU ARE TRYING TO KILL PEOPLE WITH YOUR CAR.

3. Chris Fucking Collins. Oh, so you think Donnie’s Nazi golfball retweet was funny? Maybe someone should bounce a golfball off your head for real. Now THAT would be hilarious!

4. Lindsey Fucking Graham. Going on Drumpf’s favorite platform, Bitefart, to promote crapitalized healthcare à la Drumpf — whom you promised to oppose? Yeah, that sounds super legit. But if you seriously believe you’re going to stop a march towards socialism, I have some bad news: Bernie’s single-payer plan is hugely popular. It’s gaining serious traction. And he’s about to walk all over your sorry ass.

5. Bill O’Fucking Reilly. You “can’t win” a defamation lawsuit? Even if you’re rich enough to afford a much better lawyer than those women you harassed? And when nobody believes harassed women anyway? I’m calling bullshit.

6. Randy Fucking Lowry. Who the fucking HELL decorates with cotton stalks? Those things aren’t even fucking pretty. And neither is serving stereotypical food to black students, motherfucker.

7. Jack Fucking Posobiec. Well, well. Look who’s a failed infiltrator/provocateur! How does it feel to get drummed out of DC by a bunch of people in clown makeup? Ha, ha.

8. Cammie Fucking Rone. Call yourself a teacher? Learn some history, bigot. And stop using that lame “I wuz hackt” excuse, too!

9. Roy Fucking Moore. Well, well. Look who finally let his racism off the leash…and it shat all over the park, which is to say, it trashed all his ambitions. PS: Ha, ha.

10. John Fucking Kennedy. No, not the beloved Democrat who was assassinated in 1963. This apparently unrelated namesake is a southern Repug, and he’s going against the established Repug party line by opposing states’ rights…at least, as far as single-payer healthcare is concerned. Something tells me he’s gonna have a lonely uphill battle there.

11. John Fucking Barrasso. And speaking of lonely uphill battles, there he is out there, twisting in the wind with his “pay up or go die” message. Something that I’m sure will resonate during next year’s midterm elections!

12. Margaret Fucking Court. Canada legalized same-sex marriage a dozen years ago. We still have Christmas. Your argument is invalid!

13. Jerrod Fucking Laber. Hey, it’s not progressives’ fault if conservatives are unlovable. Nobody owes you (a) dates, (b) relationships, (c) sex, or (d) marriage, kids, a house with a white picket fence, and a fucking dog. In fact, no one owes you (e) the time of fucking day, because Donnie Drumpf is on YOU. YOU VOTED FOR HIM. He is fucking with real people’s lives, and you expect to be accommodated by those whose lives he’s doing his damnedest to ruin? Fuck the hell off.

14. Lynne Fucking DiSanto. All Lives Splatter? Yeah, and so does your political career when you endorse vehicular homicide. Adios, idiota.

15. Dylann Fucking Roof. Gunning down nine black people in church because you want a racial “holy war”? That’s a racist murder. Demanding that your court-appointed attorneys be let go because one is Jewish and the other Indian? That’s a racist wank.

16. Gerry Fucking Ritz. He called the minister of the environment “Climate Barbie”? I would be shocked, but what does one really expect of someone whose surname rhymes with Ditz?

17. Mark Fucking Regnerus. Shhhhh, don’t anyone tell Mr. Ignorance that back in the “good” old days when God was everywhere, divorce wasn’t legal, reliable birth control was just a dream, abortions could and DID routinely kill women, and porn was still just a woman diddling a horse in a sepia-toned daguerrotype, men were already running around looking for cheap, meaningless sex. So much so that they were literally abandoning their wives (AND kids!) to run to the Klondike, where prostitution was a booming industry! And for those who couldn’t bear to abandon their burdensome missuses and thus risk looking like a bad spouse, there was always arsenic. But hey — why bring male behavior into it when the problem is, and always has been, the Sin of Eve, and now it’s her refusal to take her “punishment”?

18. Bruce Fucking Gilley. No, the Belgians should NOT go back to the Congo. Their presence there in the first place was likely to blame for the current AIDS pandemic. And shame on the editors of Third World Quarterly for even considering this piece of peer-rejected dreck for publication!

19. Sean Fucking Spicer. You don’t think you’ve ever lied to anyone? Srsly? Dude, your entire JOB was to lie to the US public and the entire world about what Donnie Fucking Drumpf was up to. What you “think” is kind of beside the point, at this point.

20. Ann Fucking Coulter. Because it’s a day ending in -day, of course you just knew that the Coultergeist was going to wank in yet another of her increasingly desperate attempts to become relevant. And of course, you also just knew she would do it by advocating death squads. A “solution” that anyone who endorses it should go to the wall for first, themselves. Hey, fair’s fair, and she’s foul, so nothing of value would be lost!

21. Tucker Fucking Carlson. Yes, Bowtie Boy, we Witches are, indeed, allowed to cast curses on anyoldone we think deserves to be stopped by any means necessary. It’s called freedom of religion, you dumb overpaid yutz. Now begone before somebody drops a house on you!

22. Melania Fucking Drumpf. Surely I can’t be the only one who has noted, in passing, the extreme irony of the so-called FLOTUS being married to the world’s #1 cyberbully…and yet somehow still having the nerve to get up in front of the United Fucking Nations to condemn cyberbullying? Oh good, I’m not.

23. Jeb Fucking Hensarling. And speaking of irony, how about this dude? He’s from Texas — a state well known to be battered not only by hurricanes along the coast, as well as tornadoes further inland — and he claims disastrous weather is “God’s way of telling you to move”? Damn right it is, asshole…it’s God’s way of telling you to move away from superstitious beliefs, such as the idea that weather is being sent by a deity, just to tell you to pull up sticks, pack everything you own, and run like hell from the weather. In fact, it’s nature’s way of telling you that you can’t just pour concrete all over everything and keep heating up the globe like tomorrow doesn’t matter, because it does. It fucking DOES.

24. Mark Fucking Bertolini. Hey, dicksmack? Come on up to Canada before you shoot off your big mouth about single-payer healthcare again. Because we have it, we love it, and we don’t mind paying extra in taxes for it. Oh wait — on second thought, don’t come. We don’t want your kind. You’re not only a mouthy, ignorant piece of shit, you’re exactly the kind of exploiter Tommy Douglas broomed out when he brought in our famous single-payer system, the one you think is “lousy” because it won’t turn any profits for you!

25. Milo Fucking Yiannopoulos. I can’t believe he’s still showing his ass in public, but god damn if he isn’t. Thankfully, though, his shit keeps flying right back and hitting him in his highly unfabulous face. Ha, ha.

26. Leyla Fucking Aliyeva. And while we’re on the subject of people who shouldn’t be showing any part of themselves in public, here’s the daughter of the dictator of Azerbaijan, mugging it up for her own iPhone at the UN. As though anyone fucking cared.

27. Mike Fucking Pence. When at a loss for words to sell shit that nobody wants, dredge up a fake quote attributed by dumbass flibbertigibbertarians to a long-dead president? Yeah, that’ll work.

28. Gregory Fucking Logan. The Mounties don’t always get their man, but this one apparently always got his narwhal tusks. Which he then smuggled to the US under a false bottom in the trunk of his car. And he would have gotten away with it, too, had it not been for those pesky kids.

29. Frank Fucking Scurlock. Because it wouldn’t be a proper wankapedia without an actual proper wanker, here you go. This one did it in the backseat of an Uber car. Well, I guess that IS one way to “Make New Orleans Fun Again”, but for whom, exactly?

30. Betsy De Fucking Vos. Because favoring the rapist over the victim is and has always been “fairness”. And because protecting victims of sexual assault on campus is soooooo unfair.

And finally, to all the people who think actors should have no political opinions, that country singers should just “shut up and sing” rather than challenge illegal wars, and that comedians can’t possibly understand healthcare. You voted for the buffoon who used to host a crappy glorified game show, and who can’t even keep his African countries straight. And who thinks that threatening will somehow lead to bargaining, instead of a brand new Cold War that’s not looking so cool right now. And the really stupid part is, HE LOST THE POPULAR VOTE, SO HE SHOULDN’T EVEN BE IN OFFICE. When, oh when, will YOU finally shut up and accept your collective disgrace? When the earth all around you is scorched by a nuclear holocaust? That’ll be too fucking late. At long last, have you no shame?

Good night, and get fucked!

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