News of the Restless

Crappy weekend, everyone! That roiling in your gut? Must be all the undigested (and indigestible) news you’ve swallowed this week. The junk-food peddlers of politics and media have been working overtime to bring the crud de la crud straight from the teevee to your table. And this week, they’ve served up the following gristly lumps:

1. Marco Fucking Rubio. Yes, this was last week…but he wanked so hard, it blew right into THIS week. And I’m sure that sanctioning Venezuela economically when things are already bad there (due in part to your Saudi buddies fucking with oil supplies and prices, and partly due to local putschist price gougers, and otherwise to El Niño) is gonna help them a LOT. Mostly in alerting them to who their friends ain’t. And in making them damn glad you dropped out of the presidential race. Now, if only the voters would fire your ass, that would be great.

2. Ted Fucking Cruz. Pro tip: Never argue the merits of capitalist medicine with a disabled person. Chances are they’ve been screwed nine ways till Friday by it already, and they really don’t want or need to hear how you’re gonna make it even worse. PS: And bye! Tell your dad his gift for prophecy is a dud. And apologize to your wife, if you haven’t already. (For everything, including what the Drumpf-bots have done to her.) PPS: Ha, ha.

3. Daryush Fucking Valizadeh. Nothing in the world could be funnier than a sleazeball who spent years sexually coercing women (and writing how-to manuals on the subject for other sleazeballs) suddenly deciding to get off the lady-carousel and settle down, only to find that there’s no one out there dumb enough to settle for him. Unless, of course, it’s said sleazeball now living in Mom’s basement and making his meagre boodle bemoaning how “central bankers” and Big Daddy Gummint have somehow led all these women to inexplicably think they’re too good for him, or that they’d rather be working even a shit job than hitch their wagon to his unwashed ass.

4. Sandy Fucking Rios. Well, looky here. Right-wing thugs, MEN, are being told to insert themselves in women’s washrooms and fitting rooms at Target stores. And who’s behind it? This woman. Guess the concept of sisters-before-misters just isn’t for her, eh? And neither is protecting the safety of women from, you know, MEN BARGING IN ON THEM.

5. Michael Lloyd Fucking Merichko. And speaking of which, here’s one of them right now. And he was dumb enough to initially let people think he was armed. Aaaaand now he’s busted, so guess who’s a liar? Yup, #4.

6. Andrea Fucking Hardie. Finally, after months of Twitter abuse, homophobia, racism and misogyny, this professional troll is off the tweeter…at least until she finds a new eggy identity to go by. I’m sure everyone’s just waiting with bated breath.

7. Bill Fucking Donohue. Yeah, there’s a hidden agenda in the New York state bill to remove the statute of limitations from child sex abuse cases. But it has nothing to do with “persecuting Catholics”, and everything to do with prosecuting offenders. If some of those happen to be Catholic and dressed in priestly garb, so be it. But they’re hardly the only ones, and only an idiot would argue otherwise.

8. Karl Fucking Oliver. It’s “I couldn’t care less”, not “I could care less”. And really: If you couldn’t care less about your constituents, whose taxes pay your salary, why are you even IN politics? Why not just go shovel shit on a farm? At least then, you’d be making yourself somewhat useful.

9. Sarah Fucking Palin. Yeah, there’s a “Climate Hustle” going on, all right. And the hustlers are those who insist that there is no climate change going on at all, and what there is, is not man-made. They don’t give a damn for science, or for the salient fact that 97% of all experts is one helluva consensus. In short: The hustlers are YOU. PS: And no, you do not get to redefine what “smart” means, either. Even if you DO have 97% of wanking idiots backing YOU up.

10. Cole Fucking Bartiromo. Oh surprise! A convicted felon, blackmailer and scamster, who robbed his own parents blind, prominent among Drumpf supporters at a Drumpf rally, trying to frame the anti-Drumpf protesters as the dangerous ones? And right before it happened, on his own Facebook page, he talked trash about how he planned to get them “on their knees”? I’ll bet he bloodied his own nose. At this rate, nothing about that ilk would surprise me anymore.

11. Vaughn Fucking Ohlman. Having breasts signals “readiness to be married”? Good thing this creepy pervert isn’t MY father, because that would mean I would have been married off to some complete stranger at 12, tops. That’s when I had hips, boobs, and periods…all of which are supposed to be “signs” of nubility. And this while I was still playing with Barbie dolls. Ugh. PS: Well, look who just got kicked to the curb by the Homophobic Army. This has got to be a first!

12. Tila Fucking Hubrecht. Tila, Tila…lay off the tequila. Because when you start talking of unwanted pregancy as the “silver lining” of rape, you’re obviously drunk. Go home and sleep it the fuck OFF, lady!

13. Donald Fucking Drumpf. So, all you morons supporting this guy think he says just what he means? And that it’s so refreshing that he’s not constrained by “political correctness”, whatever the hell THAT is? Well, then…explain to me what he means with that nonsensical word salad he spun about women needing to be “punished” for having abortions. Can’t do it? I’m not surprised. PS: Oh no he didn’t! Oh yes, he DID.

14. David Fucking Duke. On the other hand, there’s no mistaking what #14’s chief endorser means by what he says. And that is just unequivocally antisemitic…and AWFUL.

15. Woody Fucking Allen. And while we’re on the subject of unequivocally awful, get a load of what he says about his current wife…whom he molested while still with his previous partner, whose adopted daughter she is. He’s all self-congratulatory about what a great life he’s given her, never mind that Mia Farrow is the one who actually took her in and gave her that in the first place. And when asked how she changed him, all he can say is that she’s given him “pleasure”. Yeah, I’ll just bet. (And on that note: BARF.)

16. Bob Fucking Paulson. Pro tip, chief: If you don’t want the Mounties to get a “bad rap”, don’t let a culture of sexual assault and male entitlement flourish, goddammit. Fucking DO something about it, and by that, I don’t mean sweep it under the rug as usual. Otherwise, you’ll get a bad reputation…and you’ll have EARNED it.

17. Ayelet Fucking Shaked. Meanwhile, speaking of sweeping shit under rugs, Israel’s resident anti-Palestinian hatemonger is at it again. And just as #16 would have us refrain from rightly criticizing the Mounties, she would have us refrain from rightly criticizing Israel. Nuh-unh, sweetie…no fucking dice. If you call Palestinians vermin, you WILL be called out. And if you copy the murderous policies of Nazi Germany and Apartheid South Africa, you will DESERVE that calling-out.

18. Kenneth Fucking Shupe. Isn’t it illegal to refuse to tow someone just because their car has a bumper sticker you don’t like? If not, it should be. And at the very least, it’s also uncharitable and un-Christian. Better call Jesus next time you get in trouble with the Better Business Bureau.

19. Robert Fucking Lantos. Way to conflate Zionism with Judaism, dude. And way to make yourself totally irrelevant.

20. Steven Fucking Van Zant. And once more, with feeling: Dude, apartheid is still apartheid when Israel’s government does it. If you could boycott Sun City all those years ago, you can do BDS now. Listen to Desmond Tutu, he KNOWS. And if you won’t listen to him, then listen to this Israeli general, who is pretty damn hard to ignore.

21. Odalis Fucking Sharp. Would it surprise you greatly to know that a religiously-deranged woman who brought her kids to Oregon to sing for the assholes who trashed a bird sanctuary is also the kind of person who thinks it’s her biblical right to abuse them and beat them to a bloody pulp? No? Oh good, me neither. And even better: Her poor kids finally got sick of her shit, and are now on their way out of her clutches. Permanently, one hopes.

22. Michael Fucking Weiner. Yes, the Savage Weiner is wanking again. Did he ever stop? Nope. But now he’s gone full white supremacist, accusing Obama of “white genocide”. Someone please remind him that since he’s a Jew, the audience he’s aiming his bullshit-cannon at doesn’t consider him to be truly white, either.

23. Martha Fucking MacCallum. And speaking of full white supremacist, how about her? She’s pissy that she doesn’t get to call people the n-word. And of course, she thinks THAT’s racist, but not the word itself. Well, Martha, if you look up moron in the dictionary, you just might find a graphic description of yourself.

24. Tim Fucking Moore. Because a bigoted bathroom bill isn’t chutzpah enough on its own, now you get a snippy speaker of the statehouse, too! Enjoy your boycott and all those lost billions, asshole.

25. Shmuley Fucking Boteach. Schmuck endorses schmuck. Quel surprise! Now, the only question remaining: How is it “Kosher Sex” to have two failed marriages under one’s belt, plus an unprosecuted marital rape, PLUS Bog only knows how much sexual harassment?

26. Sheldon Fucking Adelson. Same as above, with a side order of casino crapitalist cronyism. Lather, rinse, repeat.

27. Joe Fucking Oliver. Uh, dude? Stephen Fucking Harper is out of the PMO. You’re no longer a cabinet minister. You’re just another MP now. And your party lost in a landslide. You can sit down. You can shut up. Please, PLEASE sit down and shut the fuck up!

28. Neil Fucking Cavuto. No, a ticky-tacky “taco bowl” is NOT an olive branch to Mexico. What would be one? Try a humble “I hereby take back everything ugly I said about Mexicans, and there will be no wall built at anyone’s expense.” Much simpler than posing for an idiotic publicity shot with a Yanqui food embarrassment that no Mexican would ever eat, no?

29. Cheryl Fucking Gallant. Is helmet hair impervious to everything, even good sense? In her case, apparently, it is. No, we don’t have Stealth bombers here. And what the hell would this twit want to deploy them for even if we did? We aren’t, or shouldn’t be, at war with anyone. Once more, as with #27, with feeling: Stephen Fucking Harper is out of the PMO. You’re no longer a cabinet minster. You’re just another MP now. And your party lost in a landslide. Sit down, and STFU!

30. Rick Fucking Perry. Oh yay, Crotch Goodhair has piped up again! And now he wants to be Der Drumpf’s running mate! Isn’t that a hoot coming from someone who dissed Der Drumpf not so long ago?

And finally, to the fucking Repugs of North Carolina. Yes, all of you. You wanted a law to make LGBT people’s lives miserable, and public toilets inaccessible? Guess what: Your law is illegal. No use whining about it…repeal that motherfucker so your state can breathe again. Or don’t…and watch your miseries (both legal and financial) just keep piling up. Your choice! Ha, ha.

Good night, and get fucked!

Crappy weekend, everyone! And a very crappy one to all you bathroom bigots out there. You’re not the only game in town, but you sure are a fixture in here. Sort of like a very dirty, broken toilet. And here’s who’s getting the royal flush THIS week:

1. David Fucking Brumbaugh. No, banning abortion will not fix your tanking economy. God doesn’t deal in cash. But more importantly: Bringing more unwanted mouths into a world where the food is running out — or a state that’s deep in the hole, as Oklahoma is — will only make your problems worse. Honestly, if God wasn’t okay with terminating unwanted pregnancies, would She even allow those pregnancies to happen in the first place?

2. Anita Fucking Staver. No, fuckhead, your Glock doesn’t “identify” as your bodyguard, because guns are inanimate objects. They don’t HAVE identities. Also, you’re not allowed to carry in Target stores anywhere. And you are clearly not mentally fit to be carrying any kind of weapon, because your brain is an inanimate object, too.

3. Tracy Fucking Murphfree. And again with the threats of violence against imaginary trans predators! Big nasty talk from a man with a feminine-sounding first name. Surely someone’s not overcompensating for something, is he?

4. Kristen Fucking Lindsey. No, you don’t get to keep your vet’s licence. You shot a pet cat with a crossbow, for fucksakes. How the hell does that make you qualified to care for anyone’s kitty in a clinical setting?

5. Keith Fucking Ablow. Anyone who suggests what this motherfucker does as a “treatment” for trans people, ought to be subjected to it himself first. To cure him of his conservatism, natch.

6. Alex Fucking Jones. Any day now, this racist moron is finally going to go splat all over the ceiling. Place your bets, ladies ’n’ gents…

7. Mary Lou Fucking Bruner. Pre-kindergarten is WHAT? Oh HELL no. Fuck off, and burn your ugly flag shirts, you horrid woman.

8. Ted Fucking Cruz. Trans and can’t quite pass? Then you’ll just have to pee at home, says Grandpa Munster’s Evil Twin. Jaysus H. Christ…how much longer, do you think, before he’s caught in a wide stance, or sending dickpix to some random victim on the internets? Place yer bets… PS: And he’s already picked his running mate. Someone whose credibility is just as far down the shitter as his is, if not further. Fitting! PPS: Welp. If even Boner doesn’t like you…

9. Pat Fucking McCrory. Voting should be as hard as buying sinus meds? In a state well known for its high rate of crystal-meth production, that’s not saying much, is it? But thanks, gubnor with the gender-ambiguous name, for your vote of confidence in democracy. NC voters will be remembering that next time you’re up for election. PS: Ha, ha. Discreetly pwned by the very people you’re trying to persecute. Looks good on ya.

10. Larry Fucking Hug. Racial slurs and insulting the Marines? That’s a paddlin’. Ha, ha.

11. Ainsley Fucking Earhardt. Change your name to Brainless Airhead, honey…because that’s what you’d have to be, not only to work for FUX Snooze, but to think that God has any influence over elections at all. Unless, like me, you understand that vox populi is vox dei. Or to put it in terms even a kindergartner can understand: The voters are God.

12. Margaret Fucking Wente. Yay, more WenteWanks! Yes, she’s plagiarizing again. Or STILL, rather, since there’s nothing to indicate that she ever quit. True, it’s not a direct cut-and-paste lift, but it’s not exactly original work either, and there’s still no excuse for tolerating it. Even this satirical solution to the Wente Problem is better than reading any more of her inane, out-of-touch maunderings, which could just as easily have been generated through this satire page. PS: Sign, sign, SIGN.

13. William Fucking Tapley. Why no, sir, you don’t sound a BIT irrational. But don’t you think it’s just a wee bit unsporting of you to lay spurious charges against a singer who is dead and can no longer defend himself? And don’t you think you had better learn something — ANYTHING — about Prince before you start formulating cockamamie theories about him?

14. Ken Fucking Ham. If you’re going to spout religious nonsense on Twitter, be prepared for an awful lot of little birdies to shit on you…and your ark of “salvation”. No olive branches for YOU!

15. Dan Fucking Patrick. Oh yay, now Texas is mulling going the same way as North Fucking Carolina. Secessionists are all so boringly alike!

16. Steven Fucking Waits. And Alabama, too. Jesusland is nothing if not stupidly consistent.

17. Reuben Fucking DeHaan. Meanwhile, in North Fucking Carolina, we’ve got a proud “medicine man” for the Wannabe Injun Tribe, evading taxes for selling quack cures and practicing a bogus “religion”. And a whole lotta slobberin’ shittizen prepper tactics thrown into the unholy mix.

18. Donald Fucking Drumpf. Yes, he’s still wanking. And this week, not only is it the bound-to-lose “woman card”, it’s also dumb-ass speeches on foreign policy, exploitation of closed factories, a swinish hoax, and pissing all over Vietnam vets with a syphilitic dick. Oh yeah, and let’s not forget the Kluker endorsement, and his alleged dealings with that infamous pimp of preteens, Jeffrey Fucking Epstein. And just think, he’s the Repug front-runner. Anyone with an R on their voter registration should be ashamed.

19. Austin Fucking Misiak. Who needs bathroom and pants laws when you have creeps trying to fuck in a public pool — and trying to beat up on kids who are telling them to stop? Priorities, people!

20. Bill Fucking Haslam. Oh yay, Tennessee has gone full Jesus Koolaid, too. Prepare for shit-scented fallout, y’all.

21. Andy Fucking Park. Oh Florida Man, you never disappoint. You fucking toilet troll, you.

22. Brooklyn Fucking Marie Fucking Fink. Why the double Fucking? Because that’s how idiotic and pretentious and totally up herself this one is. Nobody’s “imposing LGBT politics” on you, moron. And don’t burn rainbow flags, because they happen to stand for the inclusion of ALL sexual and gender orientations — even yours, you special, special snowflake. And because that flag belongs to the school, not to you. You do not get to impose your petty individual politics onto a whole school — capisce?

23. Rush Fucking Limbaugh. Yes, he’s still alive. Yes, he’s still wanking. Yes, he’s still doing it on radio (though the number of stations still running his drivel is steadily dropping). And yes, he’s still as sexist as ever. There, that takes care of HIM…at least until he finally blows that cerebral artery that we’re all waiting for him to blow.

24. Greg Fucking Locke. Well, look who’s a drama llama. Yes, another fucking southern pastor who is ENRAGED that imaginary bathroom pre-verts are allowed to exist in Tennessee…even if only in Target stores. Meanwhile, just two years ago, he and his own church re-hired an ACTUAL pervert…a “youth pastor” who molested kids. O Irony, where art thou?

25. Curt Fucking Schilling. Shorter him: “I’m not a bigot, YOU are! And you’re a bigger bigot than I am, too! Nanny nanny boo boo!”

26. Roy Fucking Moore. Shorter him: My marriage, my marriage, über alles! Because your being LGBT and having equal rights somehow diminishes me, me, ME!

27. Kirk Fucking Cameron. Shorter him: Submit, ye wives! Yes, even if your husband is as fucking dumb as me, me, ME!

28. Kay Fucking Daly. Sorry to disappoint you, honey, but the “GAYstapo” and “GayMafia” you believe in…aren’t fucking real. And neither are you, fortunately.

29. Dave Fucking Daubenmire. Instead of making such an ass of yourself about imaginary trans people “invading” the bathroom and raping your daughter, how about teaching your fellow right-wing assbuckets and their douchey sons NOT TO FUCKING RAPE? Is THAT so hard?

30. Craig Fucking Chandler. So, serving halal meat is “supporting terrorists”? One wonders what he’d say if the meat in question were kosher…because that’s what “halal” means in Arabic, you know. Don’t you feel like one stupid fascist git now, Craig? Because you totally fucking ARE.

And finally, to all the morons who think that the meme directly above this is somehow offensive because people have boundaries, blah blah blabbity blah blah. No, I’m not linking to the hate-blog that posted this and spun that stupid theory; I’m not going to provide any platform for hateful hog-snot. I just find it singularly ironic that they consider it “defending one’s boundaries”…to overstep one’s boundaries and encroach on those of another person. And call it “feminism” to exclude a whole group of women from consideration AS WOMEN.

And on that note, fair warning: Anyone who posts right-wing, pants-policing shit and passing it off as “radical feminism” is hereby getting no more page views, friendship, etc. from me. I have trans friends, and I am not about to throw them under the bus for someone else’s dumbfuck abstract ideology and antiquated “biological” sex binaries. Trans people exist, and you don’t get the right to decide that your “comfort” matters more than their existence. I vote with my feet. And I’m fucking done with you.

Good night, and get fucked!