News of the Restless

Crappy weekend, everyone! Welp, it looks as though the eagle has, indeed, landed…its beak in Der Donald’s grubby hand. A more fitting metaphorical image there could not be…and a more fitting theme for this week’s entry, neither. And here, in no particular order, are all the other people I wish the big bird would bite:

1. George Fucking Pataki. When your pre-campaign is only polling one percent of all registered Republicans, what’s a boy to do? Keep up with Der Donald, natch! Call for violence, war and killing…of Muslims. How fucking paTACKY can you get? PS: You’re not the state governor of New York anymore. And with the way you talk, you never will be again. Change your Twitter handle, fergawdsakes!

2. Jerry Fucking Falwell, Jr. And speaking of tacky, how nice to see him take so solidly after his old man! And by “nice”, I mean wow, could you possibly be any LESS Christian? Whatever happened to beating swords into plowshares, praying quietly in thy little room, and all that nonviolent, love-thy-neighbor stuff Jesus preached?

3. Bryan Fucking Fischer. I can well believe that the Planned Parenthood shooter was on some kind of drug, but pot? Come on, who still believes all that Reefer Madness shit in this day and age? Potheads are, at worst, giggly and paranoid, but one thing I’ve never heard any of them say is that they wanted to shoot up a clinic. People on Jeebus Crack, on the other hand…

4. Erick Fucking Erickson. Oh boo hoo hoo, giant manbaby is upset. Watsamatter, Erick, can’t take the truth? Think that shooting holes with your BB gun in a New York Times front page is gonna scare anyone? Think that tweeting your tantrum will change anyone’s mind? Go fellate your water pistol, you childish boor.

5. Chris Fucking Corley. Ah, the holidays. A time for family. A time for reflection. And in the case of this guy, for using your family and your holidays as part of a poorly composed, passive-aggressive slap at a very dead, putrid, and stinking Confederate army horse. The South shall NOT rise again, so deal — and leave your poor wife and kids out of it.

6. Ashley Fucking Ray. Where did this guy get his doctorate — a diploma mill? And if you’re going to go the “women, submit because the bible says so” route, then you’d better be prepared to cut mixed fibres, shellfish and pork out of your own life, too, because if you’d studied your book for real, you’d know all those are verboten, too. And what’s with the gender-ambiguous name, Ashley? Not exactly a very strong name for someone who thinks the sexes ought to be in hierarchical order, is it?

7. Rand Fucking Paul. Somehow, I’m zero percent surprised that he’s one of those “voluntary vaccinations only” types. The kind who, in short, think their own kids are such special snowflakes that they’ll never get whooping cough, rubella, or polio, and that measles is no biggie, because vaccinations cause disablility and mental illness. The irony of such assertions coming from such a quack should not be lost on anyone.

8. Recep Tayyip Fucking Erdogan. Yup, that’s right, the president-dictator of Turkey is in the same wankish boat as #6. And what the hell is wrong with refusing to have kids? The world is already overpopulated, so it’s high time more women said NOPE.

9. Michele Fucking Fiore. And speaking of women who shouldn’t be mothers, this one’s pretty much a textbook case of “stupid genes that shouldn’t be passed on”. I feel so sorry for her kids. And I sincerely hope none of them shoot their eyes out with their inappropriate Xmas toys.

10. Jeb Fucking Bush. Jebby sez there are no radical Christians, and I’m inclined to agree. “Radical” generally means someone who’s in favor of positive, progressive change from the roots on up. Now, if he’d said REGRESSIVE instead of radical, I’d say he was totally lying. PS: Also, “Clinton plant”? What is that, a dieffenbachia? A philodendron? WHAT?

11. Louie Fucking Gohmert. Surprise, surprise, surprise! Gomer wanked again this week. And this time, he went full-tinfoil, claiming that Obama has been “importing” terrorists to create a pretext for tighter gun laws. Alas, none had to be imported; these are all home-grown. And the majority are of the same paranoid persuasion as Gomer himself.

12. Ted Fucking Cruz. Would it surprise you greatly to learn that he was just as dumb, douchey, repugnant, and off-the-wall in college as he is today? No? Oh good. Because he totally WAS.

13. Ann Fucking Coulter. Would it surprise you greatly to learn that she’s just as dumb, douchey, repugnant and off-the-wall as Der Donald himself? No? Oh good. Because she totally IS. PS: STFU, Coultergeist.

14. Pat Fucking Robertson. If you think what Patwa’s uttering makes no sense, you’ve got it all wrong. It does…if you understand that he’s actually talking about his own so-called religion, rather than that of some two billion of the world’s people.

15. Rick Fucking Santorum. I know, I know. I’m as shocked as you are that Buttsploodge McSweatervest is still in the running as a Repugnican pre-candidate. But I guess we shouldn’t be too surprised. After all, relevancy is not the strong suit of any of them. And poor ol’ Icky Ricky has yet to get the message that the Fifties have been over for over fifty years now.

16. Katrina Fucking Pierson. Meanwhile, speaking of irrelevant people, Der Donald’s spokesperson is just as much of an ass as he is when it comes to Muslims. I guess that was a requirement of the job, eh?

17. Noel Fucking Gallagher. Still on the subject of irrelevant people: Diddums is jealous. Diddums is cranky. Diddums wants his cocoa. Will someone please stick a pacifier in his gob, already?

18. Antonin Fucking Scalia. Ever get the feeling that he went to a “slower” law school, one specially designed to accomodate conservocranks? No, really…it would appear that he did. He really, REALLY DID.

19. Pamela Fucking Geller. Yes, a large conspiracy IS looking to bring down civilization. It’s called CONSERVATISM, dear.

20. George P. Fucking Bush. That’s right, y’all, Jebby’s son is a wanker this week, too! And surprise-surprise, his wank is an unholy combo of fratfuckery and nepotism. The same sort of thing that got him “elected” to the position he currently holds (but not for much longer, one hopes), no doubt.

21. James Fucking Wiedmann. Oh, we white women. We’re such prizes for all you mediocre pickup assholes, aren’t we. We’re not people, in other words. Just trophies to dangle off your dongs. Of course, the bug in this little theory of mass-shooters-as-sexually-frustrated-drones is the fact that in San Bernardino, the co-shooter was a woman. The WIFE of the dude they think was so sexually starved. And just six months before, she had given birth to a child. Presumably by him. Oops! Poor, hopeless PUAs. When will you learn not to project your own shortcomings onto others?

22. Elisabeth Fucking Hasselbeck. How about you fucking racists finally take some fucking responsibility for your own racism, instead of blaming black people for “causing” it, you twit?

23. Katie Fucking Hopkins. And speaking of fucking twits: Meet Der Donald’s new British girlfriend. She’s all agog about his overt racism and can’t wait to rip off his hooded sheet and shag him. Get a room, you two!

24. Tatiana Fucking Duva-Rodriguez. Oh noes, now this would-be vigilante doesn’t get to “help” anyone anymore — by shooting them. Woe is she…oh, woe is she!

25. Susan Fucking DeLemus. #23 better step aside, she’s got competition in the (racist!) running to suck Der Donald’s dick. And man oh man, is this one ever rabid.

26. Charlie Fucking Renville. Who the hell thinks it’s okay to let his teenage son pose with an assault rifle for a yearbook photo? Hell, who the hell thinks it’s okay to let his teenage son OWN a fucking assault rifle at all? And who, on top of that, has the chutzpah to demand the principal be fired for following schoo rules and not allowing that tacky photo in the yearbook? This fucking idiot, that’s who. Dude, the bald eagle that bit Der Donald just rolled its eyes so hard that it saw its own brain. Siddown and shuddup about your special snowflake kid, already.

27. Ehsan Fucking Abdulaziz. Contrary to popular misconception, the vagina is not an uncapped well. One does not simply “fall into it”. For one thing, it’s not that big. For another, it’s not kosher to try to force oneself upon a half-asleep young woman and then, when she objects, to say “It’s fine”, meaning “Your friend’s asleep and isn’t going to notice me raping you”. It’s not fine. It’s also not fine to say “Well, then, she’ll have to prove it.” And it’s downright damn DUMB to then turn around and make excuses for it in a court of law, too.

28. Daniel Fucking Holtzclaw. Oh bloo bloo bloo. Giant manbaby is sorry! No, not sorry for raping all those defenceless black women. He’s literally just sorry he was caught…and even, for a wonder, convicted by an all-white jury. In good ol’ racist-as-fuck Oklahoma. And he was so counting on a big victory party over the holidays, too! Bawwwwww.

29. Kellie Fucking Leitch. Oh bloo bloo bloo, again. Just because Canada is no longer acting like the lesser northern bullyboy, holding the other bullyboys’ coats while they beat the shit out of some defenceless little country and shake it down for whatever they can get out of it, we’re suddenly “cowards on the world stage”? Well, isn’t that rich, coming from someone whose fighting experience is limited to poop-flinging across the floor of the HOC —and whose pantload is aimed at a defence minister who has actually been to war and been decorated for bravery?

30. Vivian Fucking Knight. And just to round out the blubbering crybaby count, how about this one? She lives in a town that’s more than half Jewish, and she threw a frizzy because there was a menorah set up in public for Hanukkah! Right next to the Xmas tree! How disrespectful! Why, it’s almost as though there are other holidays being celebrated this month! War on Christmas, everyone!

And finally, to all the supporters of Der Donald and his frankly Nazified immigration “policies”. Don’t think we can’t see you, Alex Fucking Jones and Tucker Fucking Carlson. Don’t think we can’t see you, Les Fucking Moonves. Don’t think we can’t see you, all you named and unnamed Muslim-bashers out there, just itching for an excuse to firebomb mosques, oil your guns and dust off your brass knucks. We can, and so can Anonymous. The public opinion of your fellow citizens is very much against you. You may be loud and proud now, but you’re also full of shit — and you’re in the minority. And when your ass is handed to you at the next elections, I can hardly wait to see the stunned-banana stupid look on all your fucking faces.

Good night, and get fucked!

Crappy weekend, everyone! And crappy December, that most commercial and eye-rollingly pious of months, when all of Wingnuttia fights the bogus War on Christmas with bullshit bullets and cannonades of crapola. And brace yourselves, folks, because this week’s wankapedia is extra long, and could easily have been longer. It’s like an advent calendar of shitheads, if months were twice as long as they actually are. So. Here come the asshats, in no particular order

1. Carly Fucking Fiorina. Yes, heaven forfend that we should ever make connections between things that are, in fact, connected! Like, oh, say, a lying crapaganda video about abortion, and some gun-sucking motherfucker — oh sorry, “messenger” — who saw it and shot his way into a Planned Parenthood clinic yelling “No more baby parts!” Typical leftists, insisting on annoying you with the inconvenient facts!

2. Adam Fucking Kinzinger. And again with the inconvenient facts and unpleasant truths. It was a legitimate concern, you guys! Stop it, you mean leftists! Stawwwwwp!

3. Jim Fucking Hoft. So, a bearded dude with a history of lewdness and violence, who shoots up a clinic, is now a trans woman? Kind of unlikely, especially when you consider that gender screwups due to clerical error happen all the fucking time. Thanks again, Gateway Pissant, for showing us how you came by the title of Dumbest Man on the Internet.

4. Michael Fucking McCaul. A “tragedy”? A “mental health crisis”? I’d ask why he used those words, but I already know. It’s because he really can’t bear to say “terrorist” of anyone who’s Christian and white — and thus, a member of his own preferred voting demographic. Terrorists are always Those Other People!

5. McCall Fucking Brunson. No, you know who loves death? YOU do. You, and all the other right-wing ghouls who keep calling for the execution of abortion providers (even on the heels of yet another clinic shooting!) and the women who rely on them for medical care. If the lives of women and doctors matter less to you than those of clumps of cells, fetuses which aren’t viable, or abstract religious notions — you are objectively anti-life. And you really need to step up and admit as much.

6. Jim Fucking Bazen. And just who appointed this sanctimonious, salacious clown the guardian of their daughters’ virginity? Because, you know, despite abstinence pledges, at least nine people out of ten will be sexually active before their wedding nights…and in any case, a dress code won’t have played any part in that. But hey, it’s nice to hear a principal admit that he lusts over the sight of “immodestly dressed” girls, eh?

7. Donald Fucking Trump. If the Zapruder Film still exists in a viewable condition, then it’s a ridiculous fucking stretch to insist that the (nonexistent) footage of Muslims celebrating 9-11 in New Jersey disappeared down the memory hole of “ancient technology” so as not to offend US Muslims. The CIA and the Mafia had far more motive to get the media to bury the Zapruder Film, as well as far more muscle…and they didn’t succeed in doing so. But hey, why let historical facts — from ancient media-tech history — get in the way of a convenient fantasy from Wingnuttia?

8. Ben Fucking Carson. And speaking of fantasies, how fucking silly is it that this particular rival of Der Donald’s (in stupidity as well as Repug leadership contests) insists that the money spent on Halloween candy could have gone toward foreign aid to keep Syrians instead of refugee camps instead of resettling them. Um, what? Just typing that out, I felt my IQ drop a good 25 points. Does he even realize that it’s not the government that provides Halloween candy, but private citizens, buying it at their own discretion?

9. Joshua Fucking Feuerstein. Oh look, Fraudenstein has piped up again, to call for the murder of abortion providers, along with more death threats and un-Christian expressions of shitheadery. This puts him right in a league with #5. He is a stochastic terrorist and objectively pro-death. No ifs, ands or buts.

10. Marc Fucking Thiessen. When your current client is in fact a Nazi himself (as were several of your previous ones, and their grandfathers), isn’t it kind of hypocritical to call for a kind of “civility” in discourse wherein nobody gets called a Nazi, or even compared to one? Yeah. But not if you’re a right-wing spin doctor. Because accountability is for everyone EXCEPT them…and their Nazi clients.

11. Jim Fucking Bakker. Oh, now he’s blaming WITCHES for his downfall? Uh-huh. Once more, with feeling: Accountability is for everyone except oneself…and one’s own rapey penis.

12. Anna Fucking Kooiman. Because nothing is funnier than a horrible, unenviable death, amirite?

13. Ted Fucking Cruz. No, the Colorado clinic shooter wasn’t a leftist. Or a trans woman. Or…well, anything the Religious Reich is currently trying to claim he is. He’s strictly one of theirs! PS: Nope, nope, no you don’t. You do not get to double down on this blatant lie, Ted. PPS: So, no shortage of condoms = no war on women? Alllll righty then. Meanwhile, women are still having to run gauntlets of screaming hatemongers for basic medical care which may not even be an abortion, and some employers still won’t include the Pill or an IUD in their medical insurance, although Viagra is ALWAYS on hand. Yeah, no war indeed. PPPS: Put your hands together for this guy, folks…he’s doing the Lord’s work.

14. Hugh Fucking Hewitt. Never met a violent “pro-life activist”, Hughie? Really? Well, I guess you never heard of Eric Fucking Rudolph, then. Or James Charles Fucking Kopp, formerly known as Atomic Dog. Or, hell, just checked all the murder-cheering flotsam and jetsam that posts “pro-life” shit on Twitter.

15. Erick Fucking Erickson. And in other news of morons with overly alliterative names, we’ve got this one. Who should just be thankful that he’s not in prison yet for inciting terrorism, violence and riots.

16. Scott Fucking Walker. Not that it’s been an entirely bad couple of weeks, at least in cheesehead country; Stoopid Scotty got smacked down on his draconian abortion law, AND now he’s getting sued over the gerrymander that stole him the election. Nyah, nyah, nyah-nyah, nyah.

17. Bill O’Fucking Reilly. Like the graphic at the top says. Really. And in Billo’s case, the facts are that he just can’t bring his wrinkly ass to admit that the Planned Parenthood video was fucking bogus…even now, TWO FUCKING MONTHS after the makers did. And he’s still butthurt about his part in the murder of Dr. George Tiller being pinned on him, too.

18. Donald Fucking Spitz. And speaking of butthurt and stochastic terrorism, there’s the head of the so-called “Army of God”, who are not an army, and whom God wants no part of. But hey! At least he’s not a hypocrite about being open in his calls for violence, bloodshed and murder, so there’s that.

19. Michele Fucking Bachmann. And in other news, the Breeder wants us to keep paying attention to her. Which, given the high percentage of her utterances that are memorably idiotic, could definitely happen.

20. Nicolás de Jesús Fucking López Rodríguez. Oh myyyy. Sounds like somebody’s jealous of somebody else. How else to explain how an old queen in a long gown could be so bitter about a gay-married US ambassador? That celibacy vow is really a sad, sad thing…and so are the high-ranking churchmen who must (seem to) abide by it.

21. JoAnn Fucking Windholz. That’s right, blame the victims. It’s what God intended, innit? PS: Nice use of eagle symbolism. So original! PPS: And also,

Wow, that was…coherent. If anyone can explain to me what the fuck she means by the bit about cocker spaniels, please feel free to drop a line in the comments slot below. Or better still, just interrogate her where she lives. Ha, ha.

22. Dave Fucking Daubenmire. Tell ya what, “Coach”…the day you grow a uterus and something else is growing in there, is the day you get to decide what goes on inside any uterus at all. Until then, just shut the fuck up about it, already.

23. Rudy Fucking Giuliani. Ah yes, I was wondering when he’d pipe up again. And wouldn’t you know, he decided to support Der Donald’s Nazism with his own fascism. Too bad that the example HE “remembered” was, in fact, nothing more than a Muslim-bashing hate crime.

24. Joe Fucking Arpaio. Why?

That’s why. How much more fucking opportunistic can you get? And yeah, armed citizens getting involved! GREAT IDEA, JOE.

25. Kylie Fucking Jenner. Vapidity is not a disability. If fame feels “limiting” to you, stop being a stupid fucking famous person, already!

26. Maurice Fucking Newman. Oh, look who’s a tinfoiler: this guy, an actual fucking advisor to Tony Fucking Abbott, the actual fucking PM of Australia! Dude, you need to check your climate science. And take off that industry-funded tinfoil, it’s cutting off circulation to your ‘nads.

27. Katie Fucking Pavlich. Gee, look how easy it is to check your white privilege — just go to a fucking tanning salon! Genius. Why didn’t I (who can’t tan for shit and don’t want to) think of THAT? And just think, this watery diarrhea is what passes for “discourse” on FUX Snooze. And oh yeah, the ol’ “reverse racism” canard made a special guest appearance in disguise, too! How brilliant — like we haven’t heard that fucking bullshit a million times already.

28. Marco Fucking Rubio. A mistress? A bastard offspring? A bundle of hush money? Gee, who’d of thunk it? Oh wait…religious conservative, dumb, full of shit…how could we NOT of thunk it? Grab a dull knife and some butter — he’s toast.

29. George Fucking Zimmerman. As incredulous as I am that anyone is dumb enough to hook up with him, it appears that somebody was. And now that she’s done with him, he’s vindictive as shit. And islamophobic as hell, too.

30. Cal Fucking Zastrow. Funny how all these ‘wingers are always on about “moral equivalences”, but somehow can’t be arsed to parse the irony of that phrase when it comes to themselves. They’re all about fetal personhood, but self-awareness as fully formed adult human beings? NOPE. Kindly spare us the “humble invitations” to “repent of our sins”, fucko — how about you repent of your dumbth, instead?

31. Michael Fucking Welner. Never mind that the motive for the San Bernardino massacre is still unknown at this writing; it looks like one of FUX Snooze’s diploma-mill “doctors” has it all figured out. And it is…dumbroll please…”the state of feminism in Muslim countries”! Brilliant diagnosis, doc. Sounds like it was pulled out of a hat…an ASShat, that is.

32. Alex Fucking Jones. The king of all tinfoilers and twoofers is puzzled because the San Bernardino massacre doesn’t fit the usual pattern of what he has a nasty habit of characterizing as “false flags”? Everybody duck and cover, because when this one’s cerebral artery finally blows, it’s gonna get awful grody out.

33. Ethan Fucking Couch. Remember him? The kid who drank, drove, and killed innocent strangers due to a bad case of “affluenza”? Well, he’s still got it…and he’s violating his ten-year probation by drinking. While still underage, at that. But what do you bet his rich daddy and white privilege will come to the rescue, yet again?

34. Paul Fucking Ryan. Awwww. Isn’t it touching how devoted he is to the rights of terrorists — oh sorry, the “mentally ill”? He actually WANTS them to be able to buy all the guns their widdle hearts desire…presumably to shoot up all the places their widdle hearts desire, too.

35. Mat Fucking Staver. No, Kim Fucking Davis doesn’t get to be Person of the Year, unless you’re talking Mad Magazine. Also, the First Amendment clearly states that Congress shall make no laws promoting an official religion. Which means, NO IMPOSING YOUR OWN RELIGION ON THE STATE. You fucking moron.

36. Mike Fucking Huckabee. Because no wanklist would be complete without Hucky Fudd pontificating on issues he knows fuck-all about, here he is tying Syrian refugees to the San Bernardino massacre…which was not committed by Syrians OR any other refugees.

37. Carlos Fucking Curbelo. No, honey, Der Donald is not a Democratic “phantom candidate” designed to make your party look stupid. They don’t need any help in that department, and you’re ample proof of that fact.

38. Peter Fucking Johnson, Jr. As might be expected from a guy whose name is dick twice over, his “analysis” is doubly fucking stupid. How else to tie San Bernardino to the imaginary War on Christmas?

39. Martin Fucking Shkreli. Greed is good yadda yadda yadda, should have charged more yadda yadda yadda, should get his ass handed to him yet again yadda yadda yadda.

40. Sarah Fucking Palin. Stop being so namby-pamby, people! Do what she’s doing: Confront Daesh with your diamond cross and your bulletproof aura of self-righteousness! Yeah, that’ll stop terrorism. ‘Murica!

And finally, to all the fucking politicians I haven’t been able to list here, who’d rather pray in public than do something actually brave about the massive fucking gun nut problem in the US of A. This week, it seems, all of Twitter finally stood up on its hind legs and told them off. And it was GLORIOUS. I swear, I actually heard angels singing! Could this mean that worm is finally turning? Let us pray.

Good night, and get fucked!