News of the Restless

Crappy weekend, everyone! It’s beginning to look a lot like Kissmyass, for sure. No, it’s not all snowy where I live; in fact, we’ve had flurries exactly twice, and both times the flakes were gone from the ground in no time at all. Wish I could say the same for these flakes. Alas, it looks like we’re stuck with them. And here they are, in no particular order:

1. Janine Fucking Turner. Have you ever wondered whatever happened to Maggie from Northern Exposure? If you have, here’s your answer. She basically turned into Sarah Fucking Palin, with extra daffitude and deep-dish dumbth. Honestly, even Maurice Minnifield wasn’t such a fucking space cadet.

2. Max Fucking Kutner. No, the majority of rape accusations are NOT false. What percentage are false? Low single digits, dude. And what percentage of men accused of rape have actually had their lives ruined by said rape accusations, whether real or false? Again: Low single digits, DUDE.

3. Kyle Fucking Kittleson. “Gays for Trump”, eh? Yeah, that’ll go well. How well? Well, about as well as it went for Ernst Röhm with Adolf Hitler. Of whom Der Donald is, I remind you, quite the admirer.

4. Milo Fucking Yiannopoulos. And speaking of gay guys who lack self-awareness (as well as some healthy self-love), Milo Yeah-Nope has magnanimously (and unilaterally) decided that it’s okay to use homophobic and transphobic slurs. Next up: gendered slurs for women! Racist slurs for nonwhites! YOU get a slur! And YOU get a slur! Everyone gets a fucking slur! (Except, of course, for racist, sexist, homophobic, cis-gendered white guys. Because some humans are more human than others, y’know.)

5. Karl Fucking Rove. Yay! Unka Karl finally piped up again this week, after a long and awkward silence. And what he had to say about the Paris climate-change conference will make you want to burn everything with fossil fuel. Starting with Unka Karl himself. Because he can’t see past the end of his nose, let alone his life, and is such a fucking waste of oxygen anyway.

6. JoAnn Fucking Windholtz. Hey, everyone, remember her? Don’t worry, you soon won’t. Because this victim-blaming terrorist-hugger is now facing a recall vote, and will probably end up biting it. Ha, ha.

7. Daryush Fucking Valizadeh. Oh, Roosh. Roosh, Roosh, ROOSH. Instead of an impossible laundry-list of criteria for your future wifey and/or baby-mama, shouldn’t you be looking for…well, anyone who’d be fool enough to settle for you in any capacity at all?

8. Harold Fucking Bornstein. Der Donald’s personal proctologist has spoken, and what he says about his patient’s health is…highly dubious. Especially the part about the BP. Nobody’s face gets that red on normal blood pressure, mack. And really: Healthiest presidential candidate EVER? Have you exhumed the corpses of all previous candidates for comparison? Well, HAVE you?

9. Billy Fucking Woodward. Shorter: Homeless women don’t deserve shelter, because UNHOLY SEX. And people wonder why abused women keep going back to their husbands, or why so many homeless women are prostituted? Y’all can stop wondering now.

10. Theodore Fucking Shoebat. Uh, stoopid — you do realize that if all Muslims are executed in that “Christian supremacist” society of your whacked-out wet dreams (which will never come to pass, due to the Treaty of Tripoli, Article 11), you and your dear old dad would be too, simply on the basis of past associations, right? RIGHT???

11. Rush Fucking Limbaugh. Oh surprise! The Pigman is a big, fat hypocrite when it comes to global warming. He “doesn’t believe in” it, because to do so would lose him idiotic redneck listeners — but he WILL let the US Army Corps of Engineers store sandbags on his beachfront property in the event of an inevitable climate emergency.

12. Carly Fucking Fiorina. Between the promise of anti-choice SCOTUS noms and the eating of doggie nom-noms, this one is done like…drumroll please…A DOG’S DINNER.

13. Ted Fucking Cruz. Words: They do not mean what you think they mean. And when Inigo Montoya himself has to tell you that, you know that there’s only one word for you: ESTÚPIDO! PS: How are you even considered eligible for candidacy? HOW?

14. Ethan Fucking Couch. Finally, the little “affluenza” pisher is busted. Now, let’s hope the next judge he faces is not a nincompoop like the last one. PS: Aaaand he’s scarpered. Catch that punk!

15. Donald Fucking Trump. Seriously, creep, shut UP about banging your own daughter already. It’s not as if you aren’t gross enough without yattering on about THAT.

16. Bill Fucking Cosby. How’s THIS for chutzpah? He’s now countersuing his accusers for “defaming his character”. Um, that would imply that he had one already, and an increasingly mounting pile of evidence would indicate that he has never had one. (And no, Fat Albert and Dr. Huxtable don’t count. They were FICTIONS.)

17. Louis Fucking DiNatale. Dude, this is Canada. No one cares about your stupid (and poorly written) Second Amendment here. In fact, as the country that escaping slaves fled to when eluding the slave patrols for whom said amendment was written, we’re kind of proud to have more sensible gun legislation than you. And anyway: What kind of lame excuse is “I forgot it in my wife’s car”? You were a sergeant major in the fucking US army, fergawdsakes. Presumably you’ve had a goodly bit of firearms training. Didn’t they teach you how to store your weapons responsibly when not using them? And would such an excuse have flown with your commanding officers? Idiot.

18. Hannah Fucking Hawkes. Nice self-righteous nopology for your shitty sexist family photo, lady. And nice internalized misogyny you got there, too. I suppose next you’ll be accusing people of having no sense of humor for pointing that out, eh? Oops, it would appear that you already have. Pity that the Internet will always remember you as “that idiot who could have said no to a sexist picture, but decided that she’d rather take the money”.

19. Martin Fucking Shkreli. Oh gawd, HIM again. When will he stop wanking? When he stops breathing, I’m guessing. PS: Aaaaand BUSTED. Most unsurprising arrest ever? Yup. (And of course he has an OKCupid account. Fuckboys gotta fuckboy. And YouTube it while wanking on the guitar, too.) PPS: And whaddya know: He wasn’t very good at capitalism. I’m sure this comes as a terrible shock to nobody.

20. Sid Fucking Miller. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS, SID! And good luck getting up to Canada to try and slap me, you giant fucking manbaby. PS: Gee. Maybe this is why he’s so tetchy about a harmless holiday greeting? Very incriminating! Maybe we should be wishing him happy holidays in prison, eh?

21. John Fucking Key. Rape jokes, ha ha. Always SO fucking funny. Except when they’re not. Which is all the fucking time. Good luck trying to live this one down!

22. Ben Fucking Carson. Troops on the Canadian border. Oh, ha ha ha. That’s a good one, Ben. Pull my other leg, please, it shoots hot buttered popcorn! PS: Aaaand THIS is why he should not be entrusted with the keys to the Oval Office washroom, much less the nuclear football. UGH.

23. Linda Fucking Harvey. LGBT-friendsly businesses are like WHAT? Uh, NO, you fucking idiot. You’re thinking of homophobic megachurches.

24. Conrad Fucking Black. Yup, you read that correcty. He actually thinks Der Donald is not a bad guy, because reasons. Which is a bit like saying Hitler wasn’t so bad either, because he had some “reasonable policies” and was nice to his doggie. Hey, even Jack the Ripper can look like a perfectly lovely guy if you cherry-pick carefully enough and avoid all the prostituted corpses — right, Lord Blah-Blah of Obscure Bus Station?

25. Vladimir Fucking Putin. Is Pooty-Poot on drugs? Is he an idiot? Or is he just receiving all reports of US presidential candidates in extremely bad Russian translation? Because there is no way in hell that he could come to such an inane conclusion about Der Donald otherwise. PS: Get a room, you two.

26. Recep Tayyip Fucking Erdogan. Because the terrible truth is not “betrayal”, you dictatorial motherfucker.

27. Debbie Fucking Wasserman Fucking Schultz. Why the double Fucking? Because that’s how undemocratic and dictatorial she’s being by doing every underhanded thing she can to keep Bernie Sanders from winning the race. Which we now KNOW he’s going to do, because pretty much everyone is fed up with this Blue Dog, Repug Lite shit.

28. Andrew Fucking Wommack. Hey, preacher? You’re not a gynecologist. You don’t know what causes miscarriages. Being “too emotional” doesn’t do it; if it did, all those women who used to throw themselves off cliffs in a hopeless effort to self-abort wouldn’t have had to bother, because their own inner anguish alone would have done the trick! But hey, at least you’re admitting that God is, in fact, the biggest abortionist ever. There might be hope for you assholes yet!

29. Joshua Fucking Wade. No, you are not under obligation, “as a Christian” or whatever, to carry a gun everyfuckingwhere you go. You’re just a dumb, delusional ammosexual. And as such, you deserve to be laughed out of the meeting.

30. Frank Fucking Pavone. Victim-blaming from an anti-choice priest. AGAIN. Don’t you have an altar boy to molest, or something?

And finally, to all the fucking islamophobic idiots out there. From the world’s dumbest mother, to all those who would bomb the fictional city of Disney’s Aladdin, this week you guys really outdid yourselves with blind frothing hatred, xenophobia, and sheer imbecility. May the Krampus finally descend from the Alps and beat the shit out of you all.

Meanwhile, the wankapedia is going on holiday, so see all you wankerheads in the new year. Let’s hope I get fewer dumbfucks to list in 2016, eh?

Good night, and get fucked!