News of the Restless

Crappy weekend, everyone! Well, how about that drunk chick who stumbled out of a house party at 24 Sussex, needing to be carted off in an ambulance? One would think that the RCMP would be investigating and laying charges for allowing underage drinking and rowdyism, but one would think wrong. 24 Sussex Drive in Ottawa, for those not in the know, is the official residence of our dear, drecky PM and his fam-damily. So of course, the police won’t be holding anyone there accountable! But hey! Enough about those wankers. Here, have so more wankers!

1. Stephen Fucking Harper. Sorry, Harpo, but you don’t get to ride on your wife’s “popularity”, which isn’t all that much greater than yours, anyway. The entire country only wonders why she still puts up with you. And really: An Internet cat film festival? That scraping and gnawing sound must be someone reaching the bottom of the barrel. PS: Pierre Trudeau put that swimming pool in at 24 Sussex so he (and any subsequent PM) could get some exercise without leaving the premises. NOT so your overprivileged kid and his jackass friends could all get drunk as lords while still underage, AND get away with it. Where the hell were you at the time, and why did you let this happen? Social irresponsibility: It’s a Harper thing.

2 and 3. Neil Fucking Scott and Timothy Fucking Brooks. So, fancy private prep schools “build character”, do they? Damn right. They build the kind of character otherwise known as DRUG LORDS. But hey! They’re white, they’re rich, they’re privileged, they’re patrician, so that makes them better than all those swarthy guys from the ghetto, right?

4. Oscar Fucking Pistorius. Gee, I bet you’re as shocked as I am to hear that his (literally) gut-wrenching performance in the courtroom…is just that. A performance. One that he took acting lessons to hone. Don’t give Oscar an Oscar, though. Give him the penitentiary, and while you’re at it, please take away his castor oil.

5. Phyllis Fucking Schlafly. You know you’re a mean, horrid, out-of-touch old bat when a very polite 12-year-old girl has to give you lessons in what feminism actually means. Think she’ll get the message?

6. Timothy Fucking Dolan. No, we can’t get the Pill at the corner store. And a dusty, shopworn box of condoms doesn’t inspire much faith in their efficacy, either. I wonder: Do inhabitants of the World’s Largest Pedophile Closet get their Viagra at the corner store? Oh wait, that’s not a mortal sin.

7. Pat Fucking Robertson. Jesus said an asteroid could hit us? Big deal, astronomers are saying THAT all the time. Hey Patwa, how about you listen to what else Jesus said…like about not bearing false witness, for example? Because you do that all the time, and I’m pretty sure Jesus doesn’t like that. PS: Pretty sure Jesus doesn’t want women forced to “put out”, either.

8. Ray Fucking Moore. Dude…are you calling your state and municipal governments an extinct form of Egyptian monarch? You do realize that makes you sound like a fanatical fucking idiot, right? Oh, and denying public funding to impoverished students makes you a hypocrite and a Pharisee. Just so you know!

9. Joe Fucking Biden. Yay, let’s all support the Banderite fascists who commandeered Kiev! What could possibly go wrong?

10. Chris Fucking Christie. So, he doesn’t want to legalize pot because he doesn’t want “Colorado’s quality of life”? Well, actually, Colorado’s quality of life is pretty good. But that’s Christie for ya…just doing his part to keep New Jersey shitty. And drunk.

11. Tarcisio Fucking Bertone. Whatever happened to the vow of poverty? Oh, that’s for the peons. Princes of the Church actually still get to live like real princes, don’tcha know?

12. David Fucking Cameron. Actually, Britain was never a Christian country. It was a country of many indigenous pre-Christian religions, which all were either suppressed or subsumed under Roman imperialism, and survived only in fragments throughout the Dark Ages, which were Christianity’s real legacy in Europe. But how quickly and conveniently these ill-educated toffs forget…

13. Derek Fucking Hunter. Yo, stoopid? We already know what cars run on. We just don’t think that cars should be any economy’s top priority. Clean drinking water and uncontaminated air and food don’t come from “unicorn tears” either, you know. Also, we happen to know that environmentally friendly technologies are a growth industry, with lots of potential for job creation. So’s public transportation. Failure to note that we need to invest in that makes you an even bigger fucking idiot.

14. Pamela Fucking Geller. Oh lord, still yattering on about the “Obama is a Muslim” thing? Give it a fucking rest, Pammy.

15 and 16. Jerome Fucking Corsi and Michael Fucking Shrimpton. Edward Snowden has information that could vindicate the Birthers? Um, no. He doesn’t have any such information, because it doesn’t fucking exist.

17. Ergun Fucking Caner. Can’t take criticism? Getting called on your bullshit? Try to censor your critics. There’s just one problem with that: When the truth is on their side, you can’t claim they were violating fair-use laws. Truth is always a defence against libel charges, as is fair comment.

18. Bryan Fucking Fischer. Oh lord, how did I miss this one? Telling the poor that they should be worshipping the ground on which the rich walk is not only plutocracy, it’s idolatry. Whatever happened to driving the moneychangers out of the temple? Oh yeah…that wasn’t anyone from the Religious Reich. That was some Jewish carpenter’s son.

19. Sandy Fucking Rios. And this one, too! Guess God doesn’t mind being “ignored”, because the latest Boston Marathon went off without a hitch. And was attended with more enthusiasm than it has been for years, on top of it!

20. Stanley Fucking McChrystal. Hooboy. What else is a LinkedIn résumé for, if not for whining, wanking and elaborately playing the victim? Please shut the fuck up and go the hell away, NOW.

21. Mario Fucking Vargas Fucking Llosa. Why the double Fucking? Because that’s how asinine he is for claiming that Venezuela has “stopped being a democracy”. If it’s so “undemocratic”, why are right-wing “democrats” like him still being allowed in to preach bullshit? But he’s right about one thing: The right-wing sectors that he supports, the ones determined to do away with Madurito, are indeed antidemocratic, and those few small parts of Venezuela where they still hold power have indeed ceased to be democratic themselves. So I guess even a stopped clock is right…for about two seconds of any given day!

22 and 23. Avril Fucking Lavigne and Chad Fucking Kroeger. I never liked either of them in the first place (it’s called having TASTE, people), but together, they’re a steaming mess that you don’t want to end up scraping out of your ears. Don’t press Play, ‘kay?

24. Jeffrey Fucking Chapman. Being on trial for murder is one thing, but to practically have the word written all over your face (or in his case, neck)? Well, that’s one hell of an incriminating wank. PS: That black teardrop on his cheek is also incriminating…it’s a gang tattoo symbolizing murder.

25. Bob Fucking Paulson. Pro tip: You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can and will be used against you (and, by extension, the RCMP) in a court of public opinion. You will be tried and found lacking. And really, slamming journalists for asking questions in the public interest about Mike Duffy’s illicit financing? What are you, a cover-up artist? You’re supposed to be investigating a crime, not complicit in it!

26. Cory Fucking Evans. Because it wouldn’t be a real wankapedia without a real wanker, here you go. Florida Man strikes again…and by “strikes”, I mean whacks off behind the wheel, on a busy interstate highway. Wank, wank, WANK.

27. Frazier Glenn Fucking Miller. So, the Kluker Killer who shot up a Jewish community centre…used to buy black prostitutes? And they were WHAT? Oh gee, I am so shocked. SHOCKED, I tellz ya. I guess this was his way of making it up to the other racists, huh?

28. Cliven Fucking Bundy. No, of course you’re not racist. You only said knee-grow instead of nigger, right? Ain’t nothin’ racist about that. No sir. PS: No, Martin Luther King would not support your neo-slavery position. Idiot.

29. Mona Fucking Charen. Say what? Feminists have made women less happy? I’m sorry, I can’t hear you over my autonomy and right to self-determination. And if you’re so against what feminists have accomplished, what the hell are you doing out of your kitchen? Get back in there and cook yourself up some happiness, lady!

30. Matt Fucking Gurney. Yeah, that’s right, National Pest writer…go ahead and make excuses for the Sons of the Rich and Powerful. If you had been to an under-age drinking party so bad that an ambulance had to be called, you’d have a criminal record just for being there. And I doubt that you’d have been hired by that rag, even to write apologia for degenerate rich kids.

31. Christopher Fucking Verdosci. So, pregnant women and their bellies are, like, SOOOOOO GROSS? Better go tell that to your mama, I’m sure she’d be very interested to hear how you really feel about the person who brought you into this cheap, nasty old world.

32. Joan Fucking Rivers. And speaking of cheap, nasty and old…how’s about paying the people who write your schtick something besides peanuts, lady?

33. Donald Fucking Sterling. So, lemme see if I got this straight: He’s married, but he still gets to tell his girlfriend who she may or may not appear in pictures with? And he’s racist, but his girlfriend is non-white? Oh myyyyy, I smell one helluva can of worms opening up here!

34. Martin Fucking Ssempa. Remember how he went on TV to rant obsessively over what gay guys allegedly do in an effort to push for the kill-queers law in Uganda? Well, now he’s facing charges for the very thing he’s against: “Promoting homosexuality”. Karma: It strikes in the funniest places.

35. Lonnie Fucking Stiles. Ever wonder why Johnny can’t read? Well, now we have our answer. It’s prudish parents like this one, trying to ban books over “bad” language, that are behind the problem of youth illiteracy in the US. Here’s a radical thought, not that these sticks-in-the-mud are likely to have any of their own: How about just being glad that kids are reading at all, and not fretting so much about their increasing vocabulary?

36. John Fucking Stone. Look out, we got a badass over here! He’s got a cannon, and he’s not afraid to use it. On what? “Standing up to Obama”. Oh. Okay, then!

37. Moshe Fucking Feiglin. What the hell is a member of the Knesset doing, fundraising for terrorists in Toronto? Oh, I see…if they’re Israeli, they’re not terrorists in Harpolandia, even if they are classified as such back in Israel. Problem solved!

38. Sharlene Fucking Simon. You don’t get to sue dead people for causing you pain and suffering, and you don’t get any money out of them. Especially if you are responsible for their deaths…and the pain and suffering that preceded them.

39. Dan Fucking Bilzerian. Throw a naked woman off your roof in what might be the dumbest stunt ever, break her foot, don’t even apologize. All in a day’s “work” for an insta-turd. #yolo

40. Sean Fucking Hannity. Pro tip: Never fuck with Jon Stewart. He will pummel you like George Washington did that unfortunate Shays fellow. And he will do it all on TV, without even breaking a sweat.

And finally, to all those fucking fuckheads who spend a hundred thousand dollars to climb Mount Everest. What are you people, Sir Edmund Fucking Hillary? No, you’re just a bunch of rich fuckwits who kill Sherpas so that you can cross one more stupid item off your pointless bucket list. Just so you know, the people of Nepal are getting mighty sick of your shit. And even your money won’t be enough to make it right. But hey! At least this year, none of you will be getting to the summit, because all the guides are on strike. Which they ought to be permanently, seeing as your vanity is putting their lives at risk.

Good night, and get fucked!

Crappy weekend, everyone! And crappy Easter to all, and may the bunny poop out only the best chocolate eggs for you, whether you believe in anything or not. And if he doesn’t, well, just be thankful he didn’t leave you any real poop, like this weirdo in Ypsilanti keeps doing on kiddie playgrounds. Meanwhile, here’s who else is full of it this week…and by “it”, I don’t mean yummy Easter treats:

1 and 2. Peter Fucking LaBarbera and Bill Fucking Whatcott. Bad bromance of the year? Looks like it. Making a public nuisance of yourself and getting arrested on a university campus? Textbook example of how NOT to make friends and influence people. Kick the one out, and lock the other up; problem solved!

3. Linda Fucking Harvey. If staying in the closet makes a gay person straight, then staying barefoot and pregnant should turn a woman into a man. Honestly, this idiotess is simply out of ideas by now. “Fake it till you make it” is as old as the hills, and has never worked for anyone.

4. Phyllis Fucking Schlafly. Once again, the question must be asked: Why is this horrid old bat still alive? And why is she out there preaching a return to the 1950s? Maybe all she needs is a pay cut, so she remarries and goes home and shuts the fuck up.

5. Bill Fucking Donohue. Yeah, I can well believe the Catholic church has “less of a problem” with sexual abuse than any other. After all, it’s been going on for so very long, it’s clear that the hierarchy thinks it’s no problem at all!

6. Kimberley Fucking Davis. If you “just don’t care” that you ran down a cyclist while you were texting behind the wheel, you’re an idiot. Frankly, you should be jailed incommunicado for that.

7. Nahshon Fucking Shelton. Dude. You carry an expensive gun in an expensive bag, and then you get wigged out over a 22-cent tax on your bottle of pop? You have a fucked-up sense of priorities. Take a hard seat!

8. Kathleen Fucking Parker. Sure it’s crazy to talk about racism in Alabama. That’s because it still exists there, to an inane degree, and not-talking-about-it is the best way to keep perpetuating the problem. And only a complete lunatic would like to see that problem solved, right?

9. Dan Fucking Clevenger. How does one “kind of agree” with an antisemitic white supremacist murderer, unless one is also a Kluker? If you’re going to make statements like that, you might just want to elaborate. And voters might just want never to elect you again, which I suspect is the real problem.

10. Kayvon Fucking Edson. Looks like a promising career in conceptual performance art has just been cut short by a really, REALLY stupid dickweed move. Kind of a shame, really.

11. Rob Fucking Ford. Why?

That’s why. Dressing up as a sheikh: Not just for skeevy Halloween trick-or-treaters anymore!

12. David Fucking Choe. No, shithead, face-raping a masseuse is NOT “art”. And neither is making up lame stories about it, lying that “she said yes with her eyes”. Whichever way you slice it, you’re nothing but a fucking douchebag. And there is no “art” to that.

13. Rob Fucking Illig. Dude, you’ve got yours. Your head is above water. You are, in fact, better paid than many. Now shut up about “white man’s guilt” and don’t say another word, lest you find your own ass out on the street, looking for work with all the other screwed law grads who have massive student debt to pay off, and no means of paying it. You might just find, in fact, that the job you coulda-woulda-shoulda had, the cushy one where you’d be pulling down the cool millions instead of suffering for the poor sods who studied under you, doesn’t actually exist anymore.

14. Edward Fucking Cocaine. Yes, really — that’s his name, and that’s what he’s been busted for. No, just kidding — it was Xanax. Florida Man just never disappoints, eh?

15. Chrystal Fucking Hassell. Meanwhile, Florida Woman doesn’t disappoint, either. And hey! A preemie delivery, on crack, in a motel room. With a bitten-off umbilical cord, no less! How much more Florida can it get? Short of gnawing the baby’s face off, I guess not much.

16. Mary Fucking Fallin. Who’s the poverty pimp? SHE is. Because she doesn’t ever want the minimum wage anywhere to catch up to the cost of living. Next up: Slavery will save capitalism!

17. Cliven Fucking Bundy. So, he was there first, was he? Funny, but the Shoshone people have something very different to say about that. And the “militias” that oh-so-bravely stood up to “protect” his “grazing rights” on land that was never really his? Racist as a Nazi’s asshole. Quel surprise!

18. Richard Fucking Blumenthal. Bud, that big yellow line is there on the train platform for a reason. The reason is that if you don’t stay behind it, you could end up in a world of hurt when a train roars by. But hey! At least you didn’t get kicked in the head by a conductor while taking a selfie, so there’s hope for you yet.

19. James Fucking Mitchell. Just because something’s not technically illegal “at the time” doesn’t mean it’s not immoral, a human rights violation, and massively fucked up. And just because you’re defending it doesn’t mean it’s fucking defensible. But what am I saying: You’re the guy who designed that shit, and waterboarded one of the most infamous al-Q terrorists, so I guess that makes it all okay! Um, no. It totally fucking doesn’t. And you’re just as bad as what you’re claiming to fight. Read your Nietzsche, fuckhead.

20. Valeria Fucking Lukyanova. Yes, dear, we really believe that you’re makeup-free in that selfie. I see lipstick, foundation and winged eyeshadow. But hey! For a “human Barbie”, I guess that’s about as makeup-free as one can realistically expect someone to be, eh?

And finally, to the antisemitic assholes who planted those phony leaflets in Donetsk. Smooth move, you guys. You just took a leaf out of the Protocols of the Elders of Zion. That’s the czarist crapaganda tract that was used to justify pogroms, in case you forget. How ironic that it turns out not to be the work of a pro-Russian faction, but the same bunch of Nazis that commandeered Kiev, causing Crimea and the Donbass to distance themselves. I don’t think this is gonna further your cause any better, you guys. Ukraine is falling apart at the seams, and fascism is why.

Good night, and get fucked!