News of the Restless

Crappy weekend, everyone! Yup, the stoopids are still at it…and this time, they’re also claiming that there’s fake snow that won’t melt when you hold a lighter under it. This is what you get when there’s no money for education, and science is being squeezed out by creationist nonsense. And these are what you get when you let pure unadulterated stoopid loose on an unsuspecting world:

1. Marijn Fucking Dekkers. You, sir, are the reason capitalism and Big Pharma need to get out of the medicine business. When a drug is only for rich (and presumably white) western people “who can afford it”, the system is the cancer. And you, sir, are a carcinogen.

2. Rand Fucking Paul. There is no war on women! And anyway, women are winning it, so nyaaaah! Wow. Stellar reasoning there from Bongwater Buddha. And people wonder why I can’t fucking stand libertarians. It’s the SEXISM, stupid!

3. Tucker Fucking Carlson. And speaking of stellar fucking logic, Bowtie Boy thinks 17-year-olds shouldn’t be allowed to pre-register as voters because “they can’t decide what to eat”. Hey, Fucker? Just because you’re an over-age fratboy yourself, doesn’t mean you get to project your own inability to decide between Hot Pockets and Kraft Dinner onto young voters-to-be. I know for a fact that the next generation is a lot savvier politically than anyone gives them credit for. And in any case, it’s quite possible to be definite about one’s politics and vague about one’s appetite…at the same time. How about THEM apples?

4. Ted Fucking Cruz. You know it’s time to pack your tired old teabagger schtick in when even Bob Schieffer is laughing at you. Ha, ha.

5. James Fucking Wiedmann. What do pickup artists suck at, besides gettin’ with the ladies and just, you know, being human? Music. And specifically, PARODIES. I hope Gordon Lightfoot sues your weaselly ass off for that racist rip-off of his best known song, you piece of shit.

6. Tom Fucking Perkins. Yeah, nice nopology there, old man. Shit like what you utter makes me wish the US would finally have a 1917-style revolution of its own, with all the oligarchs up against the friggin’ wall. Can’t happen any too soon, either.

7 and 8. The Fucking Winklevoss Twins. And speaking of oligarchs who need to go, can we get rid of these two as well, please? They’re touting the hell out of Shitcoin, which is definitely NOT comparable to Gandhi. (Not even the skeevy-old-celibate-who-slept-with-virgins Gandhi.) They’re about as useful to the world as teats on a bull, and so is Shitcoin. We can haz rid of all of it, pls? Kthxbai.

9. Doug Fucking Varrieur. Because it just wouldn’t be a wanklist without Florida Man. And because he just wouldn’t be Florida Man if he were actually sensible when it came to guns.

10. Anatoly Fucking Pakhomov. No queers in Sochi? That’s what YOU think. And come the Olympics, it most certainly won’t be true.

11. Jason Fucking Gregory. You aren’t interesting. Your soul is dogshit. You have nothing to offer but a (TINY) twig and berries. You are a piece of shit and a total failure as a human being. I don’t find you attractive, and you aren’t even fit to be a sperm donor. You’re never going to be any good at sex, and need to stop pretending that you are doing any favors, and become a slave by way of compensation. Your vapid life of “men’s rights activism” and sexual conquest are soulless pursuits of dogshit. There, I’ve applied your pickup advice…to YOU. Feel special yet, little boy? Good. Now kneel, and lick my boots, slave. PS: Still dogshit. With a side order of shit-flies.

12. Trey Fucking Radel. So long, and don’t let the door hit your coked-up ass.

13. Spencer Fucking Toner. Because it just wouldn’t be a wankapedia without an actual wanker. From Florida. Who did it in a McDonald’s parking lot. In full view of children.

14. Michael Fucking Abromovich. Dude, if your kink is pretending to be a cop arresting a naked gay guy in a hotel room, do your partner a favor and inform him ahead of time. Because homophobic cop raids (real OR staged) are kind of a buzzkill that way.

15. Thomas Fucking Paprocki. No, an exorcism is NOT proof of love. Love doesn’t go seeing demons in other people, or trying to “cure” them of non-disorders by way of superstition.

16. Paul Fucking Washer. Meanwhile, the Protestant side of the ledger seems to be heading rapidly into Taliban country. How much longer before preachers decide that even the sight of a woman’s face is too damn much?

17 and 18. Garrett Fucking Eure and Jessie Fucking Bryant. Paddle faster, I hear banjos! That can only mean one thing: Florida Man (two of him!) is on the lam. In a canoe. Fortunately, not for long.

19. Peter Fucking Schiff. “You’re worth what you’re worth”? Well, if that’s the case, then CEOs (especially those of big capital firms) should be paid nothing, because that’s what they’re worth to society on the whole. Actually, they should be paying, because they owe us all…BIG TIME.

20. Martha Fucking MacCallum. And speaking of worthless (or worth less), how about her? Let’s see how she feels about pay equity when she doesn’t get any…just like the average female worker. No woman “voluntarily” agrees to take less, and especially not just because she had a child. Since kids don’t come cheap, actually, shouldn’t working mothers earn more, to cover the costs of raising them? Well, a sensible person might think so, but she’s obviously not one of THOSE. Claiming that men are the losers when they still make 30% more on average than women? And that pay equity is a “special handout” to women? It takes a special kind of stupid to believe THAT. But then, she works for FUX Snooze, which is clearly all about affirmative action…for stupid people.

21. Eduard Fucking Sorin. Shabbat Shalom! Unfortunately, being religiously observant doesn’t make you a righteous person. Try not dealing in drugs and human misery, dude.

22. Steven Fucking Andrew. And speaking of religion not making righteousness, how about him? Listen, if Jesus WANTED to fix the US debt, don’t you think he’d have done so long ago…by not letting Ronnie Ray-Gun get into office? Or the Bushes? Or anyone else who parties with the Military-Industrial Complex…in other words, the REAL Satan? PS: You’re also wrong about the Founders…most of whom were quite irreligious.

23. Jeff Fucking Sessions. Quoting a known pothead to try to keep kids from turning into potheads? That’s a new one on me. I guess right-wing politics are the gateway drug for Teh Stoopid.

24. Bob Fucking Larson. Speaking of gateway stoopid: Got $295 just lying around, burning a hole in your pants? Then get exorcised! Presto! Or…maybe not.

25. Nathan Fucking Deal. Just so’s you know, gubnor, Canadians are laughing up our down-filled parka sleeves at you…and your piss-poor preparedness for winter storms.

26. Lucas Fucking Duplan. Because posing with bundles of cash is what ALL the classy suddenly-rich-for-nothing folks do, right?

27. Megyn Fucking Kelly. Trust me, honey, nobody but you gives a shit about “conservative” fuckin’ marriage. Or about the very few black people out there who are magnanimously willing to overlook the rampant racism (and other bigotries) of conservative whites, and then turn around and, very snottily, call others’ awareness of that racism “groupthink”.

28. Conrad Fucking Black. Finally, at long last, Lord Blah-Blah has been stripped of his Snowflake. And his Privy Council position. — Wait, he had a PRIVY FUCKING COUNCIL POSITION??? What the everloving fuck?

29. Vincent Fucking Vinturi. I suspect that’s a pseudonym, which kind of figures, since he just self-published the most embarrassing guide to rape since, well, this pedophile. Also, I love the author photo. Looks like Luke Skywalker’s douchey cousin, the one who swept the Karate Kid’s leg. The pissy bravado is also a nice touch…and by “nice touch”, I mean BWAHAHAHAHA, looks good on ya, sucker.

30. David Fucking Cameron. Brits are already the most-surveilled people on Earth (possibly the second-most, since Edward Snowden leaked what the NSA is up to with US citizens). One would think they don’t need any more of Big Brother watching them, but a man who watches too many cop dramas, and who happens to be squatting in Number 10, thinks otherwise.

31. Paul Fucking Calandra. What the hell did he just call Glenn Greenwald? Methinks somebody is projecting here.

32. Scarlett Fucking Johansson. How do you know when you’re no longer a mensch? Oh, when you take money from a company making a profit off the occupation of the Palestinian West Bank. And you throw Oxfam over for that. Nope, that’s not kosher…and all the seltzer in the world isn’t going to wash those bloodstains off your hands. PS: Fuck the “Kumbaya” crapaganda, here’s how Palestinians really feel.

33. Paul Fucking Vallely. You do realize, I hope, that military coups are high treason? Oh wait, there’s a black guy in the White House. Well, I guess that makes it all okay, then.

34. George Fucking Zimmerman. Oh, so he’s a “celebrity” now? And they keep telling us that Jim Crow is dead…

35. David Fucking Brooks. Newsflash: Whiggism went out of style a very long time ago. And the reason it did is that it didn’t work for shit. Let the class war commence! Oh wait, it’s already on, and the poor are losing. Badly.

36. Phil Fucking McGraw. What? The “reality” TV approach to psychiatry is a failure, a fraud, and a menace to mental health? Well, I never. (Well, actually, I figured that one out a long time ago. I’m just amazed that it’s taking so long to pull this abusive charlatan’s plug.)

37. Rob Fucking Ford. Once again, Bumblefuck touts his great savings measures…which turn out to be not all that. When his reign (of error) ends, and the final tally comes in, I predict he will be known as Mayor Bad Bargain. PS: Ha, ha. PPS: Ha, ha, ha.

38. Julian Fucking Fantino. Nothing says “I care about veterans” like closing several Veterans’ Affairs offices. And this as vets are coming home physically and mentally disabled from Afghanistan! It’s like every day is Opposite Day in SupposiTory Land. And get this: He has the gall to blame their understandable anger…on PSAC? Fuck right off, Bad Cop.

39. Justin Fucking Bieber. Good lord, how many fucking infractions has he had this week? It seems like everywhere he goes, he’s either being arrested or turning himself in to police. What I wonder is how, after his turn-in at 52 Division in Toronto, he managed to still get on his plane and fly high, only to get busted at his next port of call. Shouldn’t he have been detained? Or are rich 19-year-olds somehow different from the rest of us? PS: Yes, apparently, they are. In this case, they’re just big feckin’ babies.

40. Cathy Fucking McMorris Fucking Rodgers. Why?

That’s why. Isn’t she just the cutest little glassy-eyed, double-talking, fork-tongued, lying-ass hypocrite you’ve seen all week?

And finally, to Fucking CSEC. Right behind the Brits and the Yanks, there’s us Canadians. We’re catching up to them on the list of “most surveilled”, and there is no reason for us to be. We’re not a nation of terrorists, but thanks to our government, we may as well be. We have less and less reason every day to hold our heads up in the world. Especially when we’re passing through Pearson Airport. You can tell us now by the furtive way we look around before checking our text messages…or the way we refuse to make use of airport wi-fi, even while we’re standing through a long, boring wait for a flight. Where will the indignities end?

Good night, and get fucked!

Crappy weekend, everyone! Well, it’s the dead of winter where I sit, but you’d never know it from the rate the sap is flowing. And no, it’s not the sweet, sweet juice of the maple trees. It’s something a lot more noxious. And here’s who’s been tapping it this week, in no particular order:

1. Stephen Fucking Harper. Hot on the heels of Ariel Fucking Sharon’s dismal send-off, Harpo has kicked off a tour of Israel. Light on human rights, heavy on asinine speeches, long on photo-ops, and short on substance. And making lots of lovey-dovey eyes at #2. Sounds pretty much par for the RoboPM’s course.

2. Bibi Fucking Netanyahu. For rewarding book-burning fascists with honorary degrees, polluters with bird sanctuaries, and humanity’s enemies with blowjobs. What else?

3. Kevin O’Fucking Leary. Poor people are starving, and half the world’s people are poor. And this assclown thinks that’s just fantastic! Why? More money for those who already have way more than they will ever fucking need or use, but who still won’t be satisfied until they have it all…and half the world is dead.

4. Dasha Fucking Zhukova. And speaking of #3’s beloved idiotic rich people, here’s one of them. Yes, sitting in a chair made out a black female mannequin is a great idea! Especially when you’re the wife of a Russian oligarch and it’s Martin Luther King Day just across the Bering Strait!

5 and 6. Bob and Maureen Fucking McDonnell. And MOAR idiotic fucking rich people! These two just got indicted on corruption charges. And he used to be the governor of Virginia. Clearly, that state is for idiot-lovers.

7. Liam Fucking Payne. So, he’s a fan of Duck Dynasty for its “family values”? I guess he must really be into child brides, Jim Crow, and homophobia, then. Good thing I’m no fan of boy bands.

8. Caleb Fucking Hannan. How to spice up a boring story about a dubious “magical” golf club? Oh! I know! Let’s out the inventor of said device as a trans woman! That’ll get all eyes on the piece for sure. Shoot, who cares if she kills herself? Profit!

9. Lee Fucking Bright. Once again, he wanks, prompting me to advise him to change his middle name to “None Too”. And of course, as ever, it’s all about Teh Gunz. Because armed teachers are polite teachers, or some such hogjaw twaddle. And even a teacher should be allowed to carry machine guns and shoot up the school, because Second Amendment! YeeHAW!!!

10. Sarah Fucking Palin. Why?

That’s why. Yup, in her ongoing quest for just the tiniest shred of relevance, Snowbilly Grifter played…the REAL race card. And tootled away on her racist dog-whistle, which ought to be getting pretty worn out by now.

11. Maria Conchita Fucking Alonso. Aww. Diddums haz a mad? Dat’s too bad. Cuz no one haz a sad.

12. Michele Fucking Tittler. “Political activist”? Try professional racist troll, lady. I mean, what else would one call someone who, though without a job and seemingly never leaving her house, registers scores of domain names on the Internet, in her father’s name, for the express purpose of harassing Native teenagers and trashing Idle No More? And she claims to be the “most stalked” person online? Um, no. Actually, lady, you’re the stalker. And you need to get the hell OFF and take a hard look at yourself. Even your own father is sick of your shit, because people think he’s the white supremacist in the family. Doesn’t that tell you anything?

13. Sam DeFucking Brito. Who knows better than women about how to be a feminist? Teh Menz. Of course. And their prescription for what ails us ladies? Moar celebration of token women in the corporate world. Yay! Thanks, guyz! Our fluffy widdle ladybrains could never have figured THAT one out!

14. Bill Fucking Blair. Talk to mentally ill people? Learn to disarm disturbed individuals without killing them? Heresy! No, let’s just arm cops with more Tasers. That’ll fix everything!

15. Shawn Fucking Ketcheson. Church/state separation? What’s THAT? Oh, nothing. Which is why a gay-bashing preacher-man got to join Harpo’s little junket to take pix at the Wailing Wall and kiss Bibi’s ass.

16. L. Brooks Fucking Patterson. Wow. Racist much? Yeah, treating indigenous people like horses and turning Detroit into a corral is some original solution, all right. The question is, what’s your fucking problem? And why the hell is such a freak allowed to hold public office in MIchigan?

17. Mark Fucking Adler. Clamoring to be photographed with Bibi and Harpo at the Wailing Wall? That’s not a million-dollar shot, that’s a million-dollar WANK.

18. Anthony James Fucking Lescowitch. The cops may be dumb, but every so often, a crook is dumber. And sharing a police post about oneself on Facebook? Yup, that’s some prize stoopid right there.

19 and 20. Rob and Doug Fucking Ford. Yup, Tweedledum and Tweedledee are at it again. And it looks like Robbo’s fallen off the wagon. How else to explain Bumblefuck’s “bumbaclot” moment, in which he suddenly and inexplicably started ranting in Jamaican slang? Even funnier, Dougie tried to cover for him again, only to have Robbo come out and admit that yes, he was having yet another of his drunken stupors. And this just weeks after his big “come to Jesus” moment. At this point, even Jesus is having nothing to do with the both of them.

21. Ted Fucking Nugent. Well, at least this fucker can no longer legitimately claim to be non-racist. Using terms like “subhuman” and “mongrel” for a biracial president — what is that if not the most blatant kind of racism?

22. Kathleen Fucking Tonn. Saunas are for relaxing in, or so one would think. But “saving” people’s souls by singing gibberish at them can apparently be done anywhere. No matter how fucking foolish it looks.

23. Vicky Fucking Hartzler. What have we here? An anti-choicer who has picked up on “men’s rights” rhetoric and is now sucking up to the most pathetic boys in school? Sure smells like it.

24. Justin Fucking Bieber. And the wanks keep mounting. Booze, drugs and drag racing (in which he got his people to close off an intersection in Miami)? Yeah, that’s a winning combination. He’s lucky he didn’t have a deadly smuck-up à la whatsisface from the movies. And we…are NOT so lucky. Obviously. PS: Thuggy Doo smiles for his mugshot? STREET CRED, BITCHES. PPS: Oh, this is good. Looks like he plays pocket pool when under arrest, too. PPPS: Deportation? Oh, I’m so torn. On the one hand it would look good on him; on the other, we don’t fucking want him back! PPPPS: Michael Jackson? No comparison.

25. Lila Fucking Rose. So, abortion “doesn’t un-rape a woman”? Well, sweetie, neither does denying her the right to choose. Actually, it’s more like raping her all over again. If she didn’t have a choice about getting attacked, she should at least have one for what comes after…but Lie-là’s not bright enough to figure that out, it seems.

26. George Fucking Zimmerman. Yup, him again. This week, he’s selling an ugly painting of the so-called prosecutor who threw his trial and let him off the hook for what should have been murder one, open and shut. That’s gratitude for you! PS: And whaddya know…this is exercise in paint-by-numbers hideousness is ALSO plagiarized.

27. Rogerio Fucking Scotton. And speaking of him-again: Yay, Florida Man! Your wack-ass shit just never seems to grow old. Or quit mutating.

28. Mike Fucking Huckabee. No, birth control does NOT let women’s libidos run away with them. And it’s really rich of you to say that women should control theirs when insurance covers Viagra for men like you. Fess up, Hucky Fudd…you really don’t have a clue how these things work, do you?

29. Suzanne Fucking Atanus. If autism and Alzheimer’s are God’s punishments for same-sex marriage and abortion, what’s that awful hair a punishment for…raging stupidity? Must be.

30. Rita Fucking Roark. If you believe the Bible is “100% true”, you have no business teaching science; that shit claims that the Earth is the centre of the Universe, the Sun revolves around it, and the Moon generates its own light…all of which are 100% FALSE. And if you go calling kids stupid (with ALL FUCKING CAPS AND STRINGS OF EXCLAMATION MARKS!!!!!!!!!!!!!) just because their religion isn’t YOUR religion, you have no business teaching…PERIOD.

31. Sara Fucking Ebarb. And further to #30: “This is the Bible Belt” is NOT an excuse. It is, however, a pretty good explanation for why local kids are doing so poorly on standardized tests and just generally failing at life. They don’t teach critical thinking in Christian “public” schools.

32. Mike Fucking Turner. The constitution says absolutely nothing about marriage, gay or straight. Maybe that’s why Oklahoma Repugs are trying to ban all marriages in the name of screwing the gays, eh? BTW, I’m pretty sure this goes against the constitutional purpose of ensuring domestic tranquility.

33. Mike Fucking Weatherley. Oh noes, commercial advertisers aren’t happy with people pirating stuff and skipping their time-wasting mental fluff! What to do? Criminalize that. Of COURSE.

34. David Fucking Cameron. Oh noes, the “liberal, enlightened” UK Conservative government isn’t happy with press criticism? Well, there’s just one thing to be done about that: Make them sign on to a “voluntary” charter…OR ELSE!

35. Brandon Fucking Wade. Wendy Davis is proof of WHAT? No, she isn’t. Go away, you sleazy feckin’ pimp.

36. Scott Fucking Desjarlais. Uh oh, somebody is unclear on the concept of religious freedom. Doesn’t surprise me that it’s him; he’s unclear on a lot of other concepts as well, the biggest one being HYPOCRISY.

37. Hannah Fucking Wallen. If you seriously believe that the female of every species is nastier than the male, you’ve obviously never had a man. Very convenient for you, dear, but it makes your arguments seriously devoid of reason and logic…and, ironically, bolsters your male MRA pals’ assertions that women are fucking stupid.

38. François Fucking Hollande. I guess this week’s big news was a bit of a foregone conclusion, eh? Meanwhile, I’m still waiting for all the oh-so-erudite and sophisticated commentators of the media to acknowledge that if he were Françoise, abandoning Valéry for Jules, there wouldn’t be any of this blasé Gallic shrugging, but a major scandale, and serious questions about the mental fitness of madame la présidente.

39. Tom Fucking Perkins. Oh noes, the rich elites are being persecuted again! Yeah, why don’t you just go full-on Godwin there, Mr. Google Bus Man. It’s not like no one has ever heard the Holocaust metaphor being done to death before. Shit, what’s one more?

40. Tony Fucking Blair. Oh, so “extremist religion” is to blame for this century’s wars, says Dubya’s poodle? Since when is western imperialism a religion? (I’ll grant him that it IS pretty extreme, though.)

And finally, to Amnesty Fucking International. Yes, that’s right, a so-called human rights organization made the cut this week…for suddenly, conveniently forgetting (in contrast to their position just a few years ago) that women are human beings, not commodities to be bought, sold, trafficked, pimped, raped and abused by men. It wouldn’t be the first time they’ve done this, either…remember how, during the 1980s, they sided with anti-choicers, quaintly calling it “neutrality”? I do, and it’s why I still refuse to donate. It’s also why I’ll be thinking twice about signing on to any more Amnesty petitions in future. Thankfully, they have long since ceased to be the only game in town.

Good night, and get fucked!