El Narco gets tomatoed…again!

Posted on January 22, 2014 by Sabina Becker

uribe-protesters

Protesters hold up cardboard tombstones and coffins at Álvaro Uribe as he gives a speech. And that’s not all that he got…read on:

Colombian ex-president and senate candidate Álvaro Uribe Vélez was received with flying tomatoes in the central square of Soacha, Cundinamarca, by a large group of residents who shouted “murderer” and held him responsible for the “false positives” which left hundreds missing during his rule.

Young members of the Party of the Tomato, who have distinguished themselves by throwing tomatoes at logos and public institutions, awaited the arrival of the ex-leader.

While he was speaking on stage, a group of persons in the first row, held back by police, shouted at Uribe, holding up cardboard replicas of coffins.

Along with the tomatoes, the crowd shouted obscenities at Uribe, while members of his security team protected him with shields, along with a squadron of riot police. The demonstrators were later surrounded by police.

The town of Soacha was epicentre of a terrible tragedy, given that many innocent young people were kidnapped there and taken to other regions of the land, to be murdered and dressed in camouflage uniforms to make them look like guerrillas fallen in combat.

This co-ordinated criminal act was called a “false positive”, and occurred during the presidency of the now-aspiring senate candidate.

It is the second time the ex-president was rebuffed by a community in the last three days, thus facing some very awkward moments in his congressional campaign.

Last Saturday, in Tunja, Boyacá, a group of peasants tried to confront the ex-president, blaming him for high gasoline prices and the implementation of various free-trade agreements during his reign.

Translation mine.

I’m astonished by El Narco’s chutzpah, appearing in towns where his paramilitary goons kidnapped and later killed young locals to make it look like he was fighting a good fight against the evil, wicked FARC and ELN guerrillas. I guess evil really does know no shame.

But hey: He at least got some unmistakable evidence that he’s not wanted there. May all the rotten produce hit its mark!

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L’affaire Hollande: What “sophistication” costs a woman

Posted on January 20, 2014 by Sabina Becker

Bit of mood music, maestra:

Zut alors! You think François Hollande is in hot water, thanks to his affair with an actress? Bof. He’s doing just fine. His consequences, personal and political, will be minimal, thanks to his adroit cowardice, and especially his gender. But for the women? Well, that’s another story…as EMMA’s Alice Schwarzer writes:

We feminists have fundamentally questioned marriage and advised women against it. At least earlier, when marriage placed men at a judicial advantage, and women at a disadvantage. Now we have to ask if we shouldn’t in fact urgently advise women to marry, at least in some cases. For example, in the case of the French president, François Hollande, 59, and his life companion, Valérie Trierweiler, 48.

What happened?

On January 11, the French gossip magazine, Closer, revealed that the president was having an affair with Julie Gayet, 41. In the meantime, we know that the story has been going on for over two years. The president would meet with the actress in an apartment a few hundred metres from the Elysée Palace. He would ride there on the back of a motor scooter, hanging on to his bodyguard, whom he sometimes ordered to leave croissants at the door in the mornings. Spicy extra detail: The apartment belongs to an actor who is currently in jail due to his connections to the Corsican Mafia.

On January 13, the tabloid, Le Parisien, revealed that Trierweiler had been hospitalized for a “nervous breakdown”. But just two days later, she made it known that she was ready to forgive him. He, however, remained silent, and only visited her sickbed days later.

The rumors of the affair had been running for months through Paris. But she seemed totally caught off guard. The president and his première dame had just come off a state visit to Brazil in December, she in high heels and Frenchly elegant, as well as spending Christmas and New Year’s Eve together. But now Hollande was telling the anxiously waiting nation that he would speak of the matter on February 11. Other than that, the president forbade every question, even at his big new year’s press conference, regarding his “private” life.

Private life? Trierweiler, a journalist by profession, was by no means living privately as the life-companion of the president. At the beginning of Hollande’s presidency, in May 2012, she gave up her career, except for her column in Paris Match, and acted as First Lady to the nation: state visits, receptions, opening daycare centres, honorary postings. For that, she had an office in the Elysée Palace, a budget, and several staffers.

Thanks to the president’s overt affair, all of that has been called into question. Who is Valérie Trierweiler? A mistress. One of several. She is not even Madame Hollande, unlike Mme. Chirac or Mme. Mitterrand. There was plenty of gossip over the affairs of both those presidents as well. But at least their wives were the social and legitimate wives at their men’s side. Even Mitterrand, who supported a second family for decades — with taxes, right down to the rent money and riding lessons for his out-of-wedlock daughter — never called his wife Danielle into question.

But what place does an abandoned mistress have, when her man takes a new mistress? And when the new one, as in this case, is even more popular than the old one, the highly unpopular Trierweiler? Unpopular, because she was often openly nasty to her predecessor. That was the well-known politician, Ségolène Royal, with whom Hollande had lived for 25 years and had four children. With her, too, he was not married.

When Hollande’s affair with Trierweiler became public in 2007, during Royal’s presidential campaign of all times (and surely this was not a coincidence) — that time, too, the then life companion was quickly prepared to forgive him. Royal went even further: She asked Hollande to marry her, with cameras rolling. After 25 years. And what did he do? Remained silent. But shortly thereafter, he spoke. The lover told journalists that Valérie Trierweiler was “the love of my life”. After 25 years with Royal, and four children together.

Hollande and Royal met as students. They are both close to 60 nowadays. 40 years ago, they were 20, and inspired by the May 1968 uprising and the women’s movement. Both are socialists, and Royal a noted feminist. Two modern people, who considered it unnecessary to marry. Just as Hollande later never thought of it either, with Trierweiler. Which now, as he will probably leave her, turns out to be downright practical. For him. He ends a relationship without any documented connection — and she falls into nothingness.

Valérie Trierweiler has just been released from hospital. It’s said that she will go to a spa, she needs “rest”. How convenient for Hollande. Because on February 11, he’s going on a state visit to the Obamas, where the modern French couple was already expected. Surely he won’t be able to take Julie Gayet along to the White House. Not yet.

What a man-drama! Die Welt‘s correspondent in France, Sascha Lehnartz, hit the nail on the head. He wrote: “Please try to imagine the following situation: Angela Merkel has been carrying on for months with [actor] Götz George…and three to five times a week, incognito, rides a moped from the Chancellor’s office to an apartment in Moabit, rented to Bushido. Sometimes she would bring her lover poppy-seed buns from the Chancellery’s own bakery. Joachim Sauer found it out on Friday through an article in the Super-Illu, and is now lying in the neurological department of the Charité with a nervous breakdown. And on Tuesday, Angela Merkel gave an international press conference, in which she said that the minimum wage is a great thing. That, roughly, is the current situation in France. Parbleu.”

In actual fact, such stories can’t be turned around. A female head of state, who would never comport herself thus, would have to step down, because everyone would say that she had lost her marbles. But a male head of state who acts that way, according to 77 percent of all French(wo)men, well, that’s just “his private matter”. And they don’t even seem to ask the question whether someone who is so half-hearted and conflict-shy about his love life would not act the same way at his job, as president.

What conclusions are to be drawn from all this? What could one have advised Valérie Trierweiler to do at the beginning of the relationship? To that, there are two contradictory answers. The first one: Get married! The second: Remain strictly autonomous, like Joachim Sauer, the German chancellor’s husband.

The personal is political. So goes one of the most famous slogans of the women’s movement. It has been much misunderstood. In times of rampant exposition, some think that it means that women as well as men should make their private life public. No, it means just what we have just seen in the Hollande/Trierweiler case: The disenfranchisement of women plays itself out even in so-called private life. And that is not the personal problem of the woman in question, but that of all of society.

Translation mine.

Is getting married the feminist thing to do, then? Maybe not in and of itself. But yes, in the case of a prominent and public couple, who are in the spotlight and presumably have a lot of property as well as reputations at stake, it’s a different matter. Especially if, like Valérie Trierweiler, you are actually working in the official capacity of first lady of the land, and not in your original trade (journalism, in her case.) If that’s the way it’s going to be, then yes, marriage is the better way to go.

Whether a first couple has to be “traditional” about it is another matter. When the current president of Venezuela, Nicolás Maduro, married his long-time common-law partner, Cilia Flores (they have a grown son together), it was couched as a patriotic act. They wanted to “strengthen the Venezuelan family”, so they said. They decided to set an example and make a statement about their love. And so they got married…not in white, not in church, but in their everyday clothes and at a registry office in Caracas, with their friend the mayor officiating. Flores is now known as “First Combatant”, not “First Lady”. As a long-time politician and former national-assembly president herself, she has quietly redefined the role of a female politician and political spouse simultaneously. And as a feminist and a strong woman in her own right, she will brook no scandal…and no disenfranchisement on any level. Her comportment during the putsch of 2002 made that clear: Flores, driven into hiding along with several other prominent Bolivarian members of parliament, released a video of herself even as the drama was still unfolding, vehemently protesting the coup and vowing to return at the first moment. Which she did, even though passing through streets potentially filled with unknown assassins and snipers posed a risk to her very life.

How different it is for Madame Trierweiler! She entered her political career (for that is what it is) on the wrong foot, displacing a popular and long-time partner with whom Hollande had four children. She humiliated Ségolène Royal publicly, forcing the latter to propose marriage on camera…and be rejected in the most cowardly manner. She triumphed off her rival’s tragedy. It must have been a heady moment, back when it was all amour fou and making youppi.

And now what’s gone around, has come around. She has gone from being the Other Woman, to being the woman about to get left for yet another Other Woman. And she doesn’t even have the small dignity of a legal marriage to protect her. She gave up everything she was doing…for this. As unsympathetic as she comes off for what she did to Ségo and her four kids, one can’t help pitying her a bit now. Her reputation, already shaky, is in tatters. And so’s her career, which will remain on hold until she regains her health. Who knows when, if or how she will bounce back? The workplace is not kind to middle-aged women re-entering it. Or even women well under middle age; just ask anyone who took time out from her career to be a stay-home mother. A few years can change everything, and bosses are fickle.

But I don’t suppose any of that matters very much to M. Hollande. He already showed what he was made of earlier, with his unceremonious dumping of his partner of a quarter-century. Once more, he conforms to an established pattern. Tant pis.

What has me scratching my head, though, is the blasé attitude toward all this in France. I guess, to a populace jaded with the tax-supported mistress and children of Mitterand, or the way Nicolas Sarkozy, mid-presidency, divorced his femme for a former supermodel (and mistress to Mick Jagger), or the whoremongering, maid-assaulting antics of Dominique Strauss-Kahn, this all must look a bit, well, routine. But there is a growing feminist current in France, as well, and they can’t be unaware of the legal implications of an unmarried couple in this unusual, and very awkward, position. Certainly they can no longer shrug off the sexist implications.

In Canada, this union would be considered a common-law marriage, since Hollande and Trierweiler have been living together for more than three years. As a de facto spouse, Valérie Trierweiler could sue, if not for divorce, then for half of his property, to ensure that she is not left wholly destitute by this sudden abandonment. She would need it, too, if she is unable to work at the moment, as appears to be the case.

Taking mistresses may be practically a marital tradition in France; the term “French marriage” was coined for situations where a couple stays married, but one or both still may have assignations on the side. Unfortunately, it appears that there aren’t sufficient provisions in French law here for a mistress who is married in all but name, and who gave up everything for her lover’s career. Not only is the situation awkward in that there is an unmarried first couple, but if he leaves her, it appears that he can make a complete getaway on his motor scooter, unscathed…and she is left scrambling to pick up the pieces of her very publicly shattered life.

Yes, the personal is political, even in modern France. And amatory “sophistication” comes with its own price, one paid in much more than just heart’s blood. Sadly, the women in François Hollande’s life have found out just how little recourse they truly have, and how steeply the deck is stacked against them.

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Posted in Canadian Counterpunch, Confessions of a Bad German, Huguito Chavecito, Isn't It Ironic?, Law-Law Land, Men Who Just Don't Get It, Morticia! You Spoke French!, The WTF? Files, Uppity Wimmin | Comments Off on L’affaire Hollande: What “sophistication” costs a woman

Quotable: Martin Luther King, Jr. on capitalism

Posted on January 20, 2014 by Sabina Becker

mlk-on-capitalism

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Music for a Sunday: So goodbye, Los Angeles

Posted on January 19, 2014 by Sabina Becker

Just bought this gorgeous single today. The full album is due out in March, and I can hardly wait to hear more. If it’s anywhere near as lovely as this, I’m sold.

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Wankers of the Week: Ariel Sharon Memorial Edition

Posted on January 18, 2014 by Sabina Becker

sharon-grave.jpg

Crappy weekend, everyone! Well, it’s finally happened. Ariel Fucking Sharon finished his last job. Eight years it took him to do it, too. Never was an earthly visit so long and rudely overstayed. And look who else is wearing out their welcome on the planet this week:

1. Paul Fucking Martin. I fully expected Stephen Fucking Harper to make the loudest slurping noises when kissing Ariel Sharon’s finally-departed ass, and he didn’t, uh, disappoint. But Paul, you? Really? And MUST you slip it the tongue, too? Ugh.

2. Karl Fucking Rove. Benghazi! Benghazi!! Benghazi!!! Translation: I got nuttin’. And damn, Christiegate ain’t going away, either.

3. Brit Fucking Hume. Well, well. Look who revealed himself for a Men’s Rights Asshole. So, politics is now “feminized” and desperately in need of the “masculine and muscular” bod of Chris Fucking Christie? FUX Snoozer, PLEASE. The man’s got bigger boobs than I do, and that’s really saying something!

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4. Michael Fucking Eisenga. How does a rich deadbeat dad get away with it? Simple: by buying himself a congresscritter. Because everybody knows that children don’t need support, but rich white guys in Congress do!

5 and 6. Dennis Fucking Farrell and Kathy Fucking Stover-Kennedy. Oh you poor, hard-working widdle victims. You don’t want to publicly address all the people whose water you poisoned — some of whom are fighting for their lives in hospital? You find demands for answers “threatening”? You’d rather just ride around in horse-drawn carriages and fancy coats? You poor widdle babies. Wouldums like a tissue?

7. Bernard Fucking McGuirk. So, Satanists should be gunned down alongside their monument? Well, there you have it, ladies and gentlemen: FUX Snooze and its guests are officially more evil than the devil himself. And far less aware of irony, too.

8. Mike Fucking Lewis. What Would Jesus Do? Well, if this preacher-man is any indication, the answer is: firebomb his ex-girlfriend’s parents’ house, with the help of three homeless people whom he offered to pay for the job, but never did. Yeah, that’s right…Jesus is now a deadbeat arsonist. And a girlfriend abuser, too.

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9. Alan Fucking Dershowitz. Back when he was Leona Helmsley’s lawyer, she famously told her household staff that paying taxes was for the little people. And now that he’s moving to Israel, apparently he’s endorsing the same basic attitude in his host country when it comes to international law and human rights. That’s for all the OTHER countries, apparently!

10. Ted Fucking Cruz. His dad’s a wanker for likening Barack Obama to Fidel Castro (an unflattering comparison for Fidel, to be sure). He himself is a wanker for defending such a ridiculous statement.

11. Jan Fucking Brewer. Can we start calling her the dictator of Arizona now? Because she just got rid of the state’s child-protective services office. Unilaterally, without so much as a consultation. Child abuse will now go unpunished and uninvestigated in Arizona. This is how she responds to a scandal of 6,000 cases going unaddressed. N.B.: The governor’s own son is a troubled individual who could have benefited from CPS intervention when he was a kid. Coincidence? Hardly. I guess now she can go back to dealing with this the way people used to in the “good” old days: by burying it and never mentioning the fact in public, private, or anywhere.

12 and 13. Bill and Emma Keller. If you don’t want to read tweets from cancer patients about their dealings with the disease, the solution is very simple: Unsubscribe from their Twitter feeds, and don’t go lecturing them on their lack of decorum! Why is this so hard for such leading intellectuals as yourselves to grasp? Could it be because…you’re fucking twits? PS: Ha, ha. PPS: Uh oh. What have we here? An ethics violation? Things that make you go hmmmmmm….

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14. Curtis Fucking Reeves, Jr. Someone texting in a movie theatre before the film even starts to play? Stand yer ground and SHOOT that fucker! Yeah, if this doesn’t get Florida rethinking that shitty law, nothing will. And how about a law banning guns in movie houses, while you’re at it? PS: Oh my. What have we here? A repeat offender? Yeah, that sounds just like someone I’d trust with a gun…said no intelligent person ever. PPS: Nope, no ground to stand on here. Ha, ha.

15. Aryeh Fucking King. Instead of telling Palestinians to “leave Israel”, how about you leave Palestine? If you can’t peacefully coexist with Arabs, you shouldn’t be in the Middle East. That is all.

16. Louie Fucking Gohmert. Gomer! Imagine you giving “plumbing lessons” to anyone. You can’t even pry your own head out of your ass with a crowbar. So who are you to judge the judges?

17. Mario Fucking Pescante. Well, I guess we now know where the IOC stands on gay rights: right on top of them, crushing them under its cleats. Shame, shame, SHAME.

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18. Richard Fucking Black. “It doesn’t count if she’s wearing a nightie”? When’s the last time you raped your wife, Mr. Black? Sign the petition, people.

19. Marc Fucking Kielburger. Public schools don’t offer “values-based” education? Might be just as well, considering that the promotion of Catholic “values” in the separate school system is costing Ontario taxpayers at least a billion extra dollars a year. Why do we even have that system, anyway? Time to scrap it and have ONLY public schools, and leave religion as the private matter it was always supposed to be. Education should be based in facts; “values” can take care of themselves.

20. Trestin Fucking Meacham. Oh, Starvey Milk, spare us the “I respect people who practice a homosexual lifestyle” hypocrisies. When your “mission in life” is to keep them from getting equal rights, you’re not respecting a goddamn thing. You’re just being an asshole trying to have it both ways. And you’re not fooling anyone with this “I’m only defending the churches” hypocrisy, either.

21. Sally Fucking Kern. No, you know what’s a “human wrong”? Your homophobic idiocy. LGBT people aren’t hurting you, so why so down on them? Were you the kind of kid who liked pulling the wings off flies, or something?

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22. Chris Fucking Pagano. Because it wouldn’t be a wankapedia without a literal wanker. And because this one is undeniably the cheesiest I’ve seen all week. Pun fully intended.

23. Phil Fucking Robertson. So, where are all the right-wing jackwads crowing about how they’re winning the culture wars with Duck Dynasty? Looks like they’re losing after all…to the tune of nearly a third of its viewers. Guess raging homophobia, Jim Crow apologism, and child-bride endorsements don’t go down so well after all. Now, how about losing all that tacky branded merchandise?

24. Russell Fucking Brand. Sorry, Rusty, but when the Revolution comes, it won’t be in the form of your favorite grotty sploodge-porn. And it won’t have you at the head of it, either. Casual misogyny is not a revolutionary value.

25. Tim Fucking Donnelly. Yup, nothing like an endorsement from Maria Conchita Fucking Alonso…and a brag about the size of one’s cojones. Washed-up former beauty queens and unverifiable claims about his genitalia, plus gun nuttery…how could he lose?

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26. Nancy Fucking Grace. Pot causes people to shoot each other, strangle and kill each other, and just generally run amuck? No, that would be crack and meth. Pot just makes people sleepy, hungry, and giggly over stupid things…like, say, the inanities of Nancy Fucking Grace.

27. Fucking Madonna. Yeah, that’s right. Madge made the cut this week. For using a racist hashtag in reference to her son (gee thanks, Mom!). And for then telling “haters” (i.e. good people taking her to task for bad move) to “get off my dick”. Since when, lady, do you have a dick…or need one, even in the metaphorical sense? Are you not too old for this immature hipster shit yet?

28. David Fucking Brooks. Uh-oh. Look who is ignorant about the finite money supply, and the fact that if you squeeze a balloon at one end, the other end bulges! What are they paying this numbskull for, again? Certainly not his superior mind, because he hasn’t got one.

29. Rob Fucking Ford. Face it, Robbo…Kathleen Wynne just isn’t that into you. Also, have you forgotten that Norm Kelly has taken over most of your duties, onaccounta you’re a drug-addled freak?

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30. Shia LaFucking Beouf. Waitasecond, I thought he was supposed to be retiring from the public eye. In the name of “artistic integrity”, which he totally lacks. Turns out he was trolling all along. Fuck off, troll!

31. Johnny Fucking Weir. Oh, Buttercup feels like he’s “under fire” for making dumb excuses about Russia’s anti-gay laws…which could very well end up affecting him and his spouse should they ever go to Sochi? Suck it up, Buttercup. You dug that hole yourself.

32. Jason Fucking Kenney. We have a “moral obligation” to support apartheid? What decade is this? The only difference is that this time it’s Israel. Last time that kind of bullshit was flying around, it was South Africa.

33. Paul Fucking Elam. Shorter: How dare that bitch, that whore, insinuate that we call women bitches and whores around here? MISANDRY!!!

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34. Vladimir Fucking Putin. I’m sorry, Pooty-Poot, but you seem to have gays confused with child molesters. Save the dire warnings for the real pedophiles…the grown men who prey on girls. They kidnap an awful lot of Russian teenagers for the brothels of Europe and North America, after all.

35. Stephen Fucking Harper. You know your charm offensive is all offence and no charm when your tour of the only apartheid state in the middle east is being called a “vanity tour”. And rightly so, because it will be in vain. You’re not concerned in the least with human rights. And no one, over here or over there, is the least bit fooled by your flimflam.

36. Michael Fucking Grimm. Taking bribes from right-wing Israelis? Just another day’s work for another conservative crook. And of course, they love him in Likudnik Land.

37. Juan Pablo Fucking Galavis. So, a gay “Bachelor” would not be good for the kids, because “perverts”. And watching 20 pathetic women doff their dignity to throw themselves at a douchebag like him…would?

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38. Sherri Fucking Shepherd. Oh look, another “love the sinner, hate the sin” person. Isn’t that two-faced shit getting tired yet? Because I sure am. And when it comes to bigotry, I don’t bother to love the sinner anymore.

39. Ron Fucking Webb. And speaking of bigotry and sinners not worth bothering to love, here’s one right now. Good on Pamela Raintree for calling his biblical bullshit out.

40. Justin Fucking Bieber. And suddenly we know why he’s been acting so shitty lately…hanging out in brothels, racist graffiti, spitting on fans, and egging neighbors’ houses. He’s been drinking a seriously grody sounding codeine cocktail! I had no idea that shit messed so hard with a person’s head. Is it the Jolly Rancher candies that do it?

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And finally, to all the media and government figures this week who conspired together to minimize, whitewash and bulldoze all memory of the evil that Ariel Sharon did. No, he was NOT a “freedom fighter”. And no, he was not a “leader for peace”. One has only to look at his track record to see that he very thoroughly earned his sobriquets of butcher, bulldozer, and worse. Ariel Sharon laid the path not for peace, but for the Apartheid Wall, Operation Cast Lead, and all the indignities, miseries and deaths that Palestinians have had to suffer since Sabra and Shatila. You eulogize him, you whitewash bigotry and make a mockery of all who said “Never Again!” and meant it. At long last, have you bastards no shame?

Good night, and get fucked!

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Quotable: Zora Neale Hurston on pain

Posted on January 15, 2014 by Sabina Becker

zora-neale-hurston-on-pain

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Crapaganda douche gets Interpol red alert

Posted on January 13, 2014 by Sabina Becker

rendon

Well, well. Looks like our ol’ pal Jota-Jota is in hot, hot water. And about bloody time, too:

The Public Ministry of Venezuela indicated in a press release that Juan José Rendón Delgado has been placed on red alert in the Interpol database.

The note specifies that Interpol act according to the provisions of the Organic Law of the Rights of Women to a Life Free of Violence.

On November 14, 2013, prosecutor Beremig Rodríguez presented a request of apprehension against Rendón before the Metropolitan Caracas police tribunal.

This alert permits the international organism to capture him in any port or airport of the world through which he tries to move.

The petition was sent to Interpol because Rendón has been out of country since November 8, 2006, and it is supported by the Venezuelan constitution, the Organic Code of Penal Process, and the Organic Law upon which the accusations are based.

Rendón, who collaborated in April with the failed presidential campaign of Henrique Capriles Radonski, is accused of violence against women.

The political advisor, who also worked for the presidential campaigns of Porfirio Lobo of Honduras, and Enrique Peña Nieto of Mexico, has been accused on numerous occasions by Venezuelan president Nicolás Maduro of conspiring against his government in presumed alliance with the Venezuelan opposition and Colombian ex-president Álvaro Uribe.

Last September, Rendón was accused of distributing via social networks a fake audio recording of the late president, Hugo Chávez, with the intent of causing the public to think that the Bolivarian Revolution’s leader was kidnapped, and that he had not died on March 5.

Translation mine. Linkage added.

So, it looks like our would-be Jedi master of the dirty arts is finally under an arrest order. The question now is, will Interpol act if they find him in a US airport…or a Mexican one…or a Honduran one…or wherever else the gringo puppetmasters in Miami and Washington see fit to deploy him?

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Music for a Sunday: Not really hard, just acting tough

Posted on January 12, 2014 by Sabina Becker

If you’re hiding it, just cut it out:

Bloop, bop, skee-bop.

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Wankers of the Week: Polar Vortex of Shame

Posted on January 11, 2014 by Sabina Becker

al-gor-dum.jpg

Crappy weekend, everyone! And crappy 2014! Last year was craptacular, and this year promises to be no different. And this year opened up with a stone cold bang…or a cryoseism, if you want to be quite scientific about it. A polar vortex swept down over most of North America and wrought havoc on the Yanks, who apparently have no idea what real winter weather feels like, if all the moaning is any indication. ‘Course it’s easy for me to talk, I’m Canadian, eh? I’m used to this sort of thing. Not polar vortices, so much, of course, but icy weather in general. It was so cold, even escaped prisoners were clamoring to be let back into jail! Meanwhile, here’s who deserved to be left out to freeze their asses off this week:

1. and 2. Amy Fucking Chua and Jed Fucking Rubenfeld. Let’s open with a two-fer, shall we? Because this poo-brained pair has easily double the dumbth that all the rest of the fuckers of this list have as individual idiots. After all, it takes a special kind of stoopid to argue, on the one hand, in favor of “only successful individuals”, while simultaneously asserting that some groups are just “naturally” superior. Well, which is it? Individuals or groups? Oh, I see: She’s “superior” because she’s Chinese, and he because he’s Jewish. Superiority due to stereotype? Yeah, that makes a shitload of sense.

3. Evander Fucking Holyfield. And while we’re on the topic of doublethink and doubleplusdumbth: According to this leading expert, being gay is either a choice, or a “handicap” that you can “fix”. Well, which is it? Because you’re arguing that it’s both, and that’s not logical. Now, here’s a question for you: When did you, Mr. Holyfield, decide to be black? And how do you plan on “fixing” THAT? Oh wait: It’s not a handicap? Even though there’s a standing prejudice against your color, just as there is against gay people? And it can’t be “fixed”? Well, imagine that!

4. Cory Fucking Bernardi. Why?

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That’s why. Also, he thinks Australia is “western civilization”. Last time I checked, it was located just below the Far East. Silly me, having those pesky map-reading skills and all!

5. Trestin Fucking Meacham. If you’re going to throw a tantrum about not getting what you want, shouldn’t you just hold your breath until you turn blue and pass out? It’s quicker. Also, you’re in Utah. How about you hunger-strike against polygamy, which is what most people opposing same-sex marriage claim is their motivator? Oh…I see. You’re a Mormon. THAT kind of traditional marriage is A-okay with you! PS: Ha, ha. Suck it, Starvey Milk!

6. Richard Fucking Mack. Ooooooo, he’s calling for an “uprising”. Against gays who are “shoving” their basic human rights “down our throats”! Such an interesting choice of language there. I wonder what he’s really trying to tell us.

7. Steven Fucking Seagal. Don’t you dare call him irrelevant! Yeah, so he can’t do a split between two moving trucks. And yeah, so it has been dog’s years since he’s made a movie worth paying attention to (if you’re into that sort of thing). But so what? He wants to be the Gropenator of Aryanfuckingzona and kill lotsa Mexicans, you guyz!

8. Joshua Lee Fucking Werbicki. Oh Florida Man, you never disappoint me. It really does take a certain je ne sais quoi to rape a German Shepherd!

9. George W. Fucking Bush. Why?

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Because Dubya’s a twerp…who TWERKS. That’s why.

10. Levi Fucking Carter. Congratulations, dude, you broke the Breathalyzer. Why the hell are you not dead of your own drunken stupidity?

11. Jenny Fucking Lauren. Yeah, yeah, so non-reclining airplane seats are a huge pain in the ass. You know it, I know it, the whole air-travelling WORLD knows it. But grounds for a bout of shit-faced air rage it is not. Get over yourself, princess.

12. Micah Fucking Uetricht. So, you found out the hard way that hot water can still scald you when it’s way below freezing out and you’re too dumb to throw it with the wind instead of against it? Good for you, dear. Good for you.

13. Chris Fucking McDaniel. What’s to blame for gun violence? No, not a gun-glorifying culture. And no, not the way-too-easy availability of guns on every fucking street corner in Amurrica. Nosirree! It’s that damn hippity-hop that all those black kids are listening to! And it’s turning white kids into niggruhs! Yeah, when all else fails, just blame the hippity-hop! (No, of COURSE you’re not racist. Nosirree.)

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14. The Fucking Robertsons. Speaking of gun-culture dumbasses: Yup, they’ve wanked their way right into the new year. Phil is a filthy old child-bride enthusiast as well as a racist homophobe, and the rest of the fake redneck clan has a line of guns with their stupid “reality” show’s logo on ’em out. Time to yank that show from the air for good, yes?

15. Andrew Fucking Davidson. Some people should never take even one drink, because it tends to run away with them, and they try to run away with the trolley it came on. Like this dude, who was so taken with the drinks cart that he actually tried to hump it.

16. Art Fucking Laffer. Bad economics is like a bad penny…it keeps on coming back to haunt. And look! Ronnie Ray-Gun’s pal Artie decided to be that tarnished old cent, complete with racism thrown in for free! Next up: An earnest, “expert” defence of slavery and how it abolishes black teen unemployment.

17. Mark Fucking Connelly. What is it with megachurch pastors committing adultery? I bet his parishioners are relieved at least to know that he’s only screwing around with other women, and not pulling a Ted Fucking Haggard.

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18. Roger Fucking Ailes. Perverted AND paranoid. Ah yes — the moral rectitude and levelheadedness of FUX Snooze, ladies ‘n’ gents.

19. Leslie Fucking Combs. Why in the holy hell are you bringing a gun to work in your state capitol? Oh yeah…it’s Kenfuckingtucky, where gunsuckers are everywhere, and brains are made of pucky. That’s why.

20. Ben Fucking Carson. No, marijuana use does NOT lead to flashbacks years later (or at all). You’re thinking of LSD. And you’re a fucking neurosurgeon, too! How can you be so obtuse when it comes to the totally germane issue of Your Brain On Drugs?

21. Philip Fucking Pereira. The only thing worse than blaming a teenage rape victim for her rape (and the child porn her attackers made of it), is blaming her family for it after she commits suicide. At long last, sir, have you fucking defence attorneys no fucking SHAME?

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22. Glenn Fucking Grothman. No, you know what’s fuckin’ goofy? You are. And you know what kills freedom? Having to work seven days a week, no time off, for somebody else’s profit. Honestly, it’s like every day is Backwards Day in Repug Land…

23. Ivan Fucking Okhlobystin. Oh, how cute…he wants Pooty-Poot to ban homosexuality outright. As though that would work. I have a better idea: How about the world bans HIM? Those ugly tattoos are scaring my cats. His homophobia is even MORE hideous, however. And I don’t want any of that hatred poisoning my nephews and nieces!

24. John Fucking Stossel. Women are staying single for “handouts”? Funny, that’s what I thought they got married for: marriage tax benefits, baby bonuses, etc. Why the hell is this incredibly stupid misodge still stinking up the airwaves with this poverty-pimping bullshit? We can haz rid of him, pls?

25. James Fucking Inhofe. And speaking of stinking up the air, can we get rid of this God-bothering climate change denier too? Kthxbai.

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26. Doug Fucking Ford. Looks like Robbo’s not the only denizen of Frod Nation who has reached the limits of public tolerance. Dougie got told to STFU this week, and there is no doubt that he richly deserved it, and was LONG overdue. Let’s savor the sweetness of it while it lasts, because we don’t know how long it will hold.

27. Alan Fucking Dershowitz. If you needed a reason to boycott Israeli crap, the Dershbag has just supplied you with one. I didn’t need it, as I’m already boycotting…but thanks anyway!

28. Gregory Fucking Beck. Yes, buying your fellow gunfuckers ammo for 26 days is the perfect way to honor 26 victims from a school gun massacre! I mean, fuck the families of the Sandy Hook victims if they can’t take a little joke from a member of their local school board, right?

29. Chris Fucking Christie. At this rate, I think we’d be easily justified in calling him the Rob Fucking Ford of New Jersey. The comparisons are inescapable. All that’s missing from his unconvincing blather is a “maybe I did it in one of my drunken stupors”.

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30. Rob Fucking Ford. Robbo goes to Queen’s Park for money just days after claiming that TO has $50 million to spare? Sure it does…if it’s coming from the Ontario Legislature’s coffers. I thought you said “no more gravy train”, Robbo! So why the hell are you on that choo-choo, then?

31. Maxim Fucking Martsinkevich. Yo, Cuba? Throw this fascist bum out. He clashes with your LGBT-progressive values.

32. Tom Fucking McInerney. If you ain’t got names, you ain’t got evidence of a fucking conspiracy. Hell, the McCarthy hearings were a bad joke, but even they came up with some names. And you’re a fucking ex-Air Force general! Have you no dignity, or are you just a sucker for every stupid rumor that comes along? Pro tip: If it originated with Frank Fucking Gaffney, it’s bullshit.

33. Ted Fucking Cruz. Dude. You are never going to become president, because no one with any brains will vote for you. STFU already, and sit the hell down.

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34. Michael Fucking Convery. Finally, a little good sense on the Internet hate speech front — a racist Twitter troll who threatened two black soccer players with death is going to jail. And he looks just as charming as I’d picture him, too! Let’s hope this case sets a precedent for other Twitter-trolling cases, especially the misogynist kind.

35. Shia LaFucking Beouf. So, he’s finally retiring from public life in the name of — get this — artistic integrity. He doesn’t even have the integrity to spell his surname correctly (it’s Le Boeuf, you fucking meathead!), let alone quit plagiarizing shit, but whatever. At least we don’t have to look at his smirky talentless mug anymore. Art is smelling cleaner already.

36. Justin Fucking Bieber. Isn’t it a bit late for Halloween pranks? And aren’t you a bit old to go around egging other people’s houses? On the bright side, at least one 13-year-old girl (the daughter of the neighbor in question, who had to call police) is sure NOT to be a Belieber from now on.

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37 and 38. Ryan Fucking Bensen and Erica Fucking Manley. Oregon, are you trying to give Florida competition for the coveted spot of Most Fucked-Up State in the Union? Because damn, girl, tipping one’s waitress in crystal meth is good for major points in that direction.

39. Paul Fucking Elam. Oooooo, do we have a scandal? We do! The Greatest Human Rights Movement in the History of Fucking EVAR is being run by a fuckin’ wimp who not only whines and kvetches for dollars with which he does precisely NOTHING (other than whine and kvetch and piss and moan), but is actually being financially supported by…get this…A WOMAN. Yes, Paulie, tell us again how men are so oppressed and women are totally running the fucking show. Meanwhile, how about being honest and accountable to the poor deluded schmucks who send you donations?

40. James Fucking Wiedmann. Meanwhile, on the other side of the Bozosphere, the pickup artist formerly known as Heartiste chided a creepy stalker for being neither creepy nor stalky enough. Because the whole world knows that you gotta rape your way into a lady’s heart, right?

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And finally, to all the idiotic asshats who think that just because we still have winter (and deep, cold dips in the jet stream!), there can’t be any such thing as global warming. Yes, there is, and it’s happening regardless of what the weather is doing. While you’re all wanking about how cold your sorry asses are, and posting unfunny “Al Gore was WRONG” memes, Australia is burning the hell up, and meteorologists have had to add two extra shades of Goddamn Fucking Hot to their maps. Did all of you sleep through science and geography in grade school? If you’d stayed awake, you’d know that the Earth’s axial tilt is the reason we have summers and winters, and not summer-all-year-round. If you had stayed awake in middle school, you’d know that weather is not climate. And if you’d paid attention in high school, you’d know that average ocean temperatures over long periods of time, and not just what the thermometer outside your window says on any given day, are the actual measure of climate change. And those temperatures have risen dramatically since the start of the Industrial Revolution. But I’m sure that to you, this is all just a malign coincidence, and you’d rather get back to watching American Idiot, or whatever it is that interests you so much more than how your own world actually works.

Good night, and get fucked!

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Festive Left Friday Blogging: Happy Birthday, Rigoberta!

Posted on January 10, 2014 by Sabina Becker

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Today’s birthday girl knows all too well what it’s like to put up with things one shouldn’t, from massacres of her own people, to an intense right-wing defamation campaign against her, the like of which has never been endured by any other Nobel winner. Happy Birthday, Rigoberta…and may you live to fight the just fight for many, many more years.

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