News of the Restless

Crappy Thanksgiving, all my friends in the US! Hope you didn’t get trampled yesterday, or land up in the emergency room after all that feasting. Why some of you put marshmallows on your yams, I’ll never understand. Those things are sweet enough as it is. But it could be a lot worse, I’ll grant you; perhaps you ate one of these?

Y’okay. If you’re feeling reasonably well rested now and not overstuffed, here are this week’s turkeys. Er, wieners. I mean winners. Let’s have a little fun working off all those surplus calories you packed in. Put on your boogie shoes and dance along as we kick them one by one to the curb:

1. Sarah Fucking Palin. Pissing on the memory of JFK, eh? And this in the week of the anniversary of his death. There really is no depth of dumbth to which the Screech will not sink. But when someone elevates a fictional movie about a pregnant little idiot over the man who uttered this ringing defence of religious freedoms in a secular state, it’s just as well that she will NEVER be president. PS: Teh Stoopid! It BURNS!!! PPS: Bwahahahaaha.

2. Bristol Fucking Palin. You knew this was coming, right? Well, as I tweeted back to Christine O’Fucking Donnell (whose sublime idiocy graces the bottom of the linky), Bristol is not a star, and she’s not being attacked. She’s a little idiot who neglected to use birth control, got pregnant, became an unwed mother, and now, unbelievably, preaches abstinence. What kind of stardom is that? Her dancing just plain sucks, and she should have been booted out long ago. And would have, if not for idiots like Christine and all the other Palinbots, who clearly don’t really believe in that meritocracy that they keep touting, along with Bristol’s recycled virginity, as if it were some kind of holy grail.

3. Kevin Fucking DuJan. Finally, we know whose legwork it really was that carried Wanker #2 unfairly this far. But wait, the you haven’t heard the funniest part yet. This wanker thinks a Bristol victory will “expose Democratic hypocrisy on voter fraud and ask why the media is so obsessed with the voting on a reality show but doesn’t care about Leftist tampering with actual elections.” Um, asshole…it’s the RIGHT that’s obsessed with the voting on a stupid glorified game show; they’re the ones who watch that shit. As for us out here on the left, we’ve only been screaming about voter fraud since 2000, when FUX Snooze and Florida colluded to throw the state’s election to fucking Dubya. Remember that? Of course you don’t…too busy freeping a stupid game show for the stupid daughter of your stupid masturbatory fantasy gal. Stupid.

4. Robbie Fucking Wills. I don’t suppose it occurred to him to take a closer look at any of the failed candidates he sent letters of congratulation to. Shit, it’s only Arkansas, where overt racists are dime a dozen and stupid speakers of the state legislature likewise!

5. Tony Fucking Clement. We need more Canadian sex stories? Like we need a hole in the head. Which can be easily accomplished by hitting the mindbleach, because Tony Fucking Clement and sex should not be juxtaposed in ANY brain.

6. John Fucking Fiala. How better to get off on sexual abuse charges than by destroying the evidence? Well, now that the Vatican is no longer in the business of sweeping that shit under the rug, one can hardly blame a pervert for trying.

7. Rush Fucking Limbaugh. Finally, someone in the media stands up and calls him on his bullshit. Too bad it’s only MotorTrend. Still, you’ve gotta start somewhere–let’s hope others smell Pigman blood in the water and start a proper feeding frenzy.

8. Pete Fucking Arnold. Yep, the not-so-libertarian flibber is back this week. Figures that his “Birth or Not” site was just a hoax, designed to “stimulate debate”. About what? Whether he’s a controlling douchebag? That much is already a foregone conclusion. When your anti-choice stupidity costs your pregnant wife her job, maybe the real point of debate should be whether or not it’s too late for her to seek a divorce.

9. Mario Fucking Valdivia. Remember that video I posted earlier this week, of a woman on the New York subway calling out a pervert who rubbed up against her with his cock out? Well, the Hollaback Girls of the Internets helped the cops to catch the creep. And this is the creep they caught. Book ‘im, Danno.

10. Edward Fucking Pasteck. And while we’re on the subject of creeps with their cocks out, how about creeps with their hands out…and all over whatever part of a woman’s body they can reach? This fool apparently thinks that’s legal and acceptable–and ACCEPTED–in France. Guess what: It isn’t. It’s not even legal. There is a phrase for sexual harassment in French, and it is le harcèlement sexuel. Would that phrase exist if there were no reason for it? French women can, and DO, feel molested by guys who don’t bother with such niceties of street etiquette as, you know, KEEPING YOUR HANDS TO YOURSELF. As one of Jezebel’s commenters on Pasteck’s ridiculous article says, “Try visiting Paris as a woman and then see what cute flirting stories you come back with.”

11. Michael Fucking Ignatieff. So, Iggy the Boyar doesn’t mind getting groped by airport security. Well, isn’t that male privilege lovely? If he were a woman who’d been assaulted, he might have cause to see it very differently. But since he’s a powerful male, meh–no biggie for Iggy.

12. Michael Fucking Coren. If you don’t like equal rights for gays here in Canada, fuck back off to England. And take Mark Fucking Steyn with you.

13. Thomas Fuck
ing Hackbarth. Why?

That’s why. Creepy Gun Guy is creepy. With his GUN. In a Planned Parenthood parking lot, of all places, presumably waiting for a woman who blew him off. No, dickweed, she doesn’t need your protection from anyone…but I think she might need protection from YOU. And so do the voters of your district. Can’t believe anyone would be dumb enough to elect such a maroon.

14. Phil McFucking Coleman. Say what?

15. William Fucking Saletan. Women have been compromising on abortion for centuries. And paying for this bullshit “compromise” WITH THEIR LIVES. Either a woman gets to choose (and survive), or she does not. There is NO MIDDLE GROUND on this issue. And fuck’d be any man who even thinks to suggest it.

16. John Fucking Stossel. Socialism will starve you! Ha. Tell it to the people of Venezuela, who are using it to feed themselves and their neighbors and trading partners, Stache-man. Now they’re no longer importing 80% of their food, as they were when capitalists reigned supreme. Arable land is once more in production, and unproductive large private lands, called latifundios, are being redistributed and made productive. And if the number of pudgies I’m seeing in news footage from there is any indication, the whole thing is working rather well. I don’t see bony carcasses littering the barrio streets. But hey, John–don’t let my nasty, inconvenient fact-finding spoil your self-righteous nonsense-fest. Chow down, turkey…and choke on it.

17. Martin Joel Fucking Erzinger. The rich are different from the rest of us, and not just in how much pay they take home (or how little real work they do to get it, or how many of the rest of us they get to throw out of work to get it.) They also get away with mowing down cyclists who happen to be doctors…because it would look bad on their résumés. Call me crazy, but as someone who was also mown down (as a pedestrian) by a careless driver, I think it looks rather worse when someone is so rich and powerful that he’s not charged, just let go. And I think it’s worth bad-mouthing this guy and the idiot who thought he was too rich and valuable to charge. So, on that note, let me also introduce you to our next wanker…

18. Mark Fucking Hurlbert. Srsly, dude, what the fuck were you thinking???

19. Tom Fucking DeLay. The Bugman’s in the jailhouse now, but he’s still a wanker. Clicky the linky to see why.

20. Richard Fucking North. Being a climate-change denialist in this day and age is stupid enough. Being the liar who started the whole bogus scandal that was Climategate is beyond stupid. But in light of this jackass’s latest (racist) jackassery, I propose that his new nickname be Jungle Bunny. And hey! With global warming going at the rate it is, it will probably fit him just fine before too long.

21. The Fucking Ontario Special Investigations Unit. The faults of the police during the G20 summit were many and scrupulously documented by independent media and private citizens alike; even the corporate media couldn’t escape doing so. Protesters could be identified and arrested, so I’m sure, could bad cops. So, what’s the SIU’s excuse? I think they just don’t want to do their job, or hold the cops accountable for the atrocities committed in the course of theirs. What do we pay these people for, again? A whole lotta nothin’, obviously. PUBLIC INQUIRY NOW!

22. All the fucking dickweeds who commented here, including the fucking dickweed who wrote it–Noel Fucking JugEars Sheppard.

23. Robert Fucking Wickett. The law against polygamy is clear, and was passed in Canada the same year the mainstream Mormons renounced the sexual practice as a condition of statehood for Utah, where they remain the most highly concentrated. Polygamy is NOT a religious practice, and it is mumbo-jumbo to insist that it is, since it is not gods but men (often very old men) who do the fucking, and not goddesses but women and girls (often very young, underage girls) that get fucked. Plus there’s the element of brainwashing, of forced marriages, and the alienation/abandonment of “excess” boys, that’s needed to sustain this crazy, arcane business. But obviously, all of that is irrelevant to the fundie-Mormon FLDS, which is trying to use Canada’s religious freedom guarantees to get a non-religious practice made legal here. Even worse, this shyster has the gall to say it’s all a matter of “consent” when ex-FLDSers all say it is clearly NOT. The “right” to brainwash girls into believing they will never get into heaven unless they “consent” to “plural marriage” (i.e., organized sexual abuse) with a man not of their choosing does not exist in this country, either. And if these often-illegal immigrants can’t abide by our laws, let them leave. We don’t need that kind of “religious freedom” here.

24. Joe Fucking Rehyansky. Why is a known sexual harasser being given a public forum in Fucker Carlson’s crapaganda site? And why is he being allowed to say that lesbians in the military should be raped to make them straight? And above all, why is he too dumb to realize that “corrective” rape has just the opposite effect–it often turns women off men altogether? See, this is what happens when you think with the little head and not the big one, fellas.

25. Ron Fucking MacKinley. God’s not in the smiting business anymore, dude. If She were, She’d whack you upside the head with a mackerel for being so Her-damned stupid. Accidents are NOT “mysterious ways”
. Also, the Sunday-shopping bill She was supposedly trying to prevent introduction of in the PEI legislature? It passed. Mysterious ways, indeed.

26. Randall Scott Fucking King. You’re not doing much to dispel that whole TSA-worker-as-sexual-assailant meme there, dude.

27. Charles Fucking McVety. Transgendered women are not perverts, but this professional concern troll most certainly is one. A pervert, that is. Shouldn’t he keep his nose out of women’s washroom stalls, then, and mind his own damn business? Oh…I see. He likes to watch. Ugh.

28. Angeles Fucking Duran. You own the Sun now? Muy bien, off you go then. Enjoy. And don’t bother sending a postcard.

29. Justin Fucking Trudeau. It pains me to list a guy I usually like, dude, but that Movember ‘stache is just trash. Even cute guys like you don’t look good in ’em. Kidding! On a more substantive note, there’s the little matter of what your party did, trying to woo our next wanker…

30. Julian Fucking Fantino. Chief No-Show apparently doesn’t believe in debates. Probably not in democracy, either. Oh well, looks like he’s gonna lose anyway, so no biggie.

31. and 32. Tony Fucking Blair and Christopher Fucking Hitchens. Can’t believe they packed a concert hall, which could have been full of music lovers instead, for a “debate” between the Poodle (a war-mongering godbag) and the Bitch (a war-mongering infidel). The big non-event pitted two of Dubya’s biggest schlong-suckers against each other over something other than Dubya’s micropenis. Purportedly, anyway. I ignored it*, as anyone should who has better things to do on a Friday night than to listen to two plummy-voiced twits arguing about how many angels can or can’t dance on the head of Dubya’s dick.

33. Jason Fucking Kenney. Why?

That’s why. People who support Israeli apartheid have no business talking about “hatefests”, much less referring to the UN as one.

34. Bill Fucking Whatcott. What cott, indeed. Is there anything this man actually loves, or at least, doesn’t hate? If there is, I don’t know what it could be. I’m just glad I’m not like him. A man who tries to mail his own feces to the Governor-General is one sick fuck.

35. Kathy Fucking Shaidle. Why?

That’s why. Justin’s younger brother, Michel, died in an avalanche. His body has never been recovered. Justin has done good work trying to raise awareness of avalanche danger since then. And Ms. Five-Feet-o-Fugly knows that, and doesn’t give a shit. She can’t criticize him substantively on the issues, as I’ve done–she just automatically wishes him the worst. And that’s why nobody likes her.

36. and 37. John Fucking Pierce and Shane Fucking McCrary Because under-endowed Texan males need the “right” to parade their penis compensators in public, anytime, anywhere! Otherwise, freedumb is in chains!

38. Alicia Fucking Machado. Why?

That’s why. The poor dim dear couldn’t tell China and Korea apart. Dang those East Asians! They’re all yellow, they all have those funny eyes…no wonder she couldn’t do it. Hey, it’s an easy mistake to make if you’re a former Miss Universe. They don’t call them brainy pageants, after all. But then the real crowning moment for the ex-queen came when she closed her Twitter account, claiming it to have been overrun by “psychopaths”. Um, Alicia? Those “psychopaths” were just ordinary Venezuelans of all stripes, laughing their asses off at you. Wouldn’t be the first time you’ve given them cause to do that, either.

And finally, to the two FUX Snoozes, North and South. A stopped clock tells time better than either of you. All the same, I don’t consult stopped clocks. That should tell you how likely I am to tune in to your “quality” programming. Elitist that I am, I’m keeping my 99th-percentile IQ the way it is, and there ain’t a damn thing either of you can do about it. And the intelligent majorities of North America are with me, not you.

Good night, and get fucked!

*Full disclosure: I ignored it, beyond scrounging up the linky and firing off two or three pissy tweets. I’m allowed to do that, right?