News of the Restless

How’s that saying go: May bees don’t fly in December? Or something like that. Yes, this man LITERALLY has bees in his bonnet. Lucky him; he can do something about that. Unlike these wankers, whose bees, though figurative, are sadly there to stay:

1. Rocco Fucking Rossi. “City Hall has left God”? Who saw it go? Did the holy door hit its ass on the way out? What kind of a thump did it make, pray tell? Okay, srsly: Since when was Toronto City Hall a theocracy? Since, oh, never. Look, I’m all in favor of working with religious organizations, up to a point; that point means (a) they have to abide by the laws of the land (no hate-promotion allowed), and (b) they don’t get to dictate policy. The Catholic Church (or any of its fundie cousins) doesn’t get to make public school curricula anti-abortion, homophobic, or birth-control-free as a condition for helping the poor, etc. Letting religion in the door is the first smear of grease on a slippery slope to exactly that, and many another unholy mess that a public institution should be free from.

‘nother thing: Religious displays in the rotunda may be all well and good, but which ones will ultimately pass muster? Somehow, I don’t expect to see Wicca represented as one of the “faith communities” that Rossi and others claim they’ll be opening the doors to. Never mind that the Christians stole the “Christmas” tree from us greenery-worshipping pagans…

2. The Fucking Teabaggers. I won’t yell “Leave Roger Ebert alone!”; he can defend himself just fine (and has done so already). I will, however, say only this: Have you motherfuckers no shame? (I’m glaring particularly hard at YOU, Caleb Fucking Howe. You want ugly, just consult your own mirror. Best comment, courtesy “Facebones”: “Be sure to tell your grandkids how you fought tyranny by making fun of a man with no jaw.”)

3. Sarah Fucking Palin. Shouldn’t she first graduate from law school before pronouncing as to what the source of laws should be? Or would that interfere with her (as usual) factually-challenged interpretation of things?

4. Ezra Fucking Levant. Someone please teach this shrieker what reading comprehension is. And how to exercise it on a full book, not just a mildly-erroneous article in the Toronto Star–which, even when mistaken, is still a better publication than anything he ever shat out.

Time to trade that soggy diaper for big-boy pants, Ezra!

5. Tom Fucking Friedman. Another Johnny who can read but can’t comprehend, can’t think, and can’t write for shit, much less add up two and two. Somehow, no matter how he tries, he always ends up with five. In short, a buttload of neoliberal crapaganda. Big Brother would love him. Too bad nobody else can make head nor ass of what he says.

6. Giorgio Fucking Mammoliti. Another godbag who wants to turn Toronto City Hall into a Catholic outpost. Jesus Christ, you have GOT to do something with your self-professed followers–your fan club has the biggest bunch of dweebs I’ve ever seen.

7. Steve Fucking King. Don’t ask, don’t tell–isn’t that the gist of his “advice” for Teh Gheyz? By that token, women should all stay home, and blacks should bleach their skin to look whiter, etc. Yeah, “just be quiet” is a great strategy–just ask the Jews how it worked out for them in Nazi Germany.

8. Tony Fucking Perkins deserves a dishonorable mention, too. Since when are all gays cross-dressers? Most of the ones I know are either butch, or very guy-next-door, and none of them wear women’s clothing except at Halloween.

9. Derrick Fucking Snowdy. He kept us in suspense…for WHAT, again? Oh yeah, that’s right…NOTHING. No wonder he’s $13 million in debt. I’m guessing that as a private dick, one has to rack up a lot of dissatisfied customers to go that deep in the hole. PS: He pooped on CK’s blog, too. He’s not very forthcoming there, either–guess that was a preview of things NOT to come. Have a few more laughs at his expense here.

10. Mark Fucking Zuckerberg, again. Seems that tricking people into giving up more info than they want to give is nothing new to the Boy Wonder of Facebook. And neither is mocking them or their concerns. Or direct invasion of privacy, come to that! Such a charming kid. (I foresee an early death by bankruptcy, not all of it financial in nature.)

11. Elliot Fucking Schrage. “If you’re not comfortable sharing, don’t.” Way to NOT address Facebook users’ privacy concerns, dude. Explain to us again why we’re supposed to trust so much data to you and Mark. And please speak slowly and loudly, so as to be heard over all the derisive laughter and skepticism.

12. Vic Fucking Toews. He wants to reinstate the word “rape” in our Criminal Code. (The word historically has more to do with property theft than sexual abuse, BTW–just read Alexander Pope sometime.) And he wants “sexual assault” done away with…not because the term is vague, as he claims (it isn’t), but because it makes clear that sex organs can be weapons or targets of an assault. And because it’s just a tee-tiny tad too inclusive for his adulterous liking, one gets the unpleasant feeling. (The woman he impregnated and got divorced over was a flunky on the Hill. Things that make you go hmmm.)

BT
W, this should shock Vic, who is obviously pig-ignorant of a good many things: rape and rapture are cognates. Both come from the Latin word for “to take by force”.

13. and 14. Bev Fucking Oda and Rona Fucking Ambrose. Watch this and see why:

Two well-programmed fembots, well programmed to betray REAL women everywhere by talking about unrelated subjects when they can’t defend the Tory anti-choice line, and they know it. Easily pwned by Gilles Duceppe, who did it in translation, even. That’s why.

15. Helena Fucking Guergis. And speaking of well-programmed fembots, isn’t it touching how Helena Handbasket just automatically defends her abusers, instead of sticking it to them like a real feminist would? All Tory women must really be from Stepford. Almost lost in the shuffle is her coyly backhanded admission that yes, Rahim Fucking Jaffer–her husband, the ex-MP for some hick-ass riding out in Alberta–DID use her office as a back door to Parliament Hill…and, most likely, free government money for his shady pals and their busty hookers.

16. Ralph Fucking Klein. Yes, I know he’s out of power now. But he’s still a wanker for privatizing to (he claimed at the time) cut costs, only to have the taxpayers of Alberta fund his bullshit mistakes–by bailing them out at MUCH more than it would have cost to just keep PUBLIC hospitals open. (He’s a wanker for having his own TV game show, too.)

17. Stephen Fucking Harper. Surprise! He’s a cold, cynical, political calculating machine. (Like we couldn’t have guessed just by looking–or watching Craig Lauzon’s very apt, robotic parodies of him.) So what’s new? Well, all that God-talk, according to Susan Delacourt of the Toronto Star. Harpo says it’s because he had kids, but that’s bunkum; I’ve got two nieces, a nephew, and another little nevvy (gender as yet unknown) on the way, and I don’t talk like that. Neither do my sisters and their husbands, who are the parents of said kids. I guess there must be something wrong with all of us, because we just don’t believe in deceiving the little ones. And, tangentially, because we don’t govern in the name of the CRAP party.

And finally, to all the fucking wankers who bussed all those Catholic school kids to Parliament Hill for that “massive” anti-choice rally when the kids should have been in school, learning REAL facts. Maybe Ontario’s taxpayers should demand their money back (which should only be going into the public school system anyway) and force Catholic schools to charge fees directly to the parents of their students, like they did in the good old days. Clearly that PUBLIC money is being wasted on the teaching of rank superstition in lieu of science and social studies. While we’re at it, maybe all Canadians should demand their tax money back–or withhold next year’s payment until Fucking Harpo returns what he gave to all those bible translators and other fucking fundies. There may not be a formal church/state separation in Canada, but neither is there a formal church/state connection. Nor should there be. Some of us remember that. Those who don’t, have a geranium in their collective cranium. I have one thing to say to all of you:

Good night, and get fucked!