News of the Restless

Yes, it’s May Day…but did you know where the cry of “Mayday!”, as a call for help, came from? Well, it’s French…and it simply means “Help me!” It seems especially appropriate as an end to such a fucking disastrous week. Here’s this week’s list of people whose help should come…in the form of a boot to the head:

1. Stephen Fucking Harper (and all the other fucking Tories behind him). Jean Chrétien talked out of one side of his mouth, due to facial palsy. Harpo talks out of both, due to duplicity. His latest fucking lie? He “doesn’t want to reopen the abortion debate” in Canada. Well, maybe that’s half true–he wants to close the subject without debate, by banning abortion altogether, and the best way to do that (he figures) is to start overseas, on the backs of Third World women whom Canada is supposed to be helping–but now, thanks to his regressive policies, not anymore. PS: Happy Fucking Birthday, you big piece of shit!

2. Jim Fucking DeMint. Those who rely on government aid are, in Jimbo DeBimbo’s words, “drug addicts”. Um, the man draws his salary as an elected member of government. Does that make him a pusher–or a junkie himself? Jim, whichever it is, if you really believe in what you’re saying, go cold turkey and fucking RESIGN! Drive only on unpaved roads in unincorporated areas, live on an unserviced lot, and if your house catches fire, don’t expect any socialist firemen to come along and put it out. Or any socialist cops to catch thieves breaking in. You wanna be a rugged individualist? Hell, go live on a desert island, with no help from anyone, and good luck to you! Practice what you preach. Go on now!

3. Jason Fucking Kenney. In the space of two hours, he banned George Galloway from speaking on our soil…for no reason other than Galloway’s open support of the Palestinian people. The excuse? He was “supporting terrorism”. I wonder how long it took him to decide that the Coultergeist–who is a far more vocal supporter of real terrorism–was admissible, and her dreck suitable for the ears of a young and impressionable university audience.

4. Joseph Sean Fucking McVey. He only wanted to meet President Obama? How touching. It would have been even more touching if he hadn’t tried to do so while heavily armed, in a vehicle tricked out like a fake police car!

5. Joe Fucking Arpaio. It’s no secret that the world’s worst sheriff hates Mexicans (and anything else Latino, apparently.) Now he wants to make a cottage industry out of it. There just isn’t a word in English loathsome enough to fit him, but I can think of a few choice ones in Spanish, starting with cabrón.

6. Rahim Fucking Jaffer. Suddenly, we know why his wife was booted out of Cabinet, and why he bragged of having a back door to the government (and federal money). He was doing private business right out of her office! So I guess he wasn’t lying about all that to his slimy bidness associates, after all.

7. Sarah Fucking Palin. Racial profiling in anti-immigrant legislation is a “myth”? Uh no, actually it isn’t. But what IS a myth is that this woman is good for anything other than perpetuating stupid right-wing myths. PS: Sarah, FUX Snooze IS “lamestream”. Stop using that word, since you don’t know what it means. PPS: Aw, how touching. The Paliness is raising money for a pro-lie group.

8. Russell Fucking Pearce. People wonder why I refer to those right-wing anti-immigrant types as Nazis? Duh. It’s because they just fucking ARE!

9. Glenn Fucking Beck. He’s on a mission from God…to make an ass of himself. Not that anyone needs a mission from God to do THAT. PS: Shocked, SHOCKED! Oh, give it a fucking rest.

10. Peter Fucking Munk. There’s a word for his type in Latin America: Sinvergüenza. How else to explain his arrogance and out-of-touchness with the people whose countries (eg. Chile, Argentina—among others) he’s fucking over? But then again, silly me–he can buy their leaders outright, and anyone who doesn’t go along, gets mafia-style threats. In fact, he’s even doing it in Canada. No wonder he’s so full of bluster.

11. Tony Fucking Hayward. There’s a word he’s missing in his vocabulary; the word is accountability. Cheaping out on safety and then blaming others for what you yourself failed to insist on seems to be all the rage in crapitalism today. Oh, and they’re arguing with the Coast Guard, too. Stay classy, Bloody Pathetic!

12. Thomas Fucking Van Flein. If you must compare Sarah Fucking Palin to George Washington, why not reference how he came by the nickname of “Old Muttonhead”? (Hint: It had to do with him being better at retreating than he was at advancing.)

13. Rush Fucking Limbaugh. He blames environmentalists for what is actually BP’s fault–and that of Halliburton, which conducted faulty “repairs” to the sunken rig? Now we know he never came off the drugs. A pity his doctor hasn’t put him on antipsychotics instead.

14. Stephen Fucking Baldwin. No, Hollywood is NOT persecuting him for his religiosity; it’s just recognizing a combination of obnoxiousness and lack of talent for what it is. Save your money for a REAL worthy cause.

15. The fucking lawmakers of Oklahoma. Apparently, re-raping a woman is no problem at all for them, even though their stupid ultrasound tearjerker law has not stopped one abortion from happening so far. And how’s this for fucked? You’re supposed to get a transvaginal ultrasound, and the doctor is supposed to describe it for you, but accuracy is apparently not required if the fetus is defective. Truth is the first casualty in culture wars, too.

16. Goldman Fucking Sachs. “Shitty” doesn’t even begin to cover it, but let’s savor what Carl Levin had to say to these Sachs-o-shit anyway:

17. And remember, it wasn’t Carl Levin saying it; it was a Goldman Sachs motherfucker saying it. Carl Levin is only reading it back verbatim. So all you prissy, virgin-eared fucking flying monkeys out there can shut the fuck up about his shitty language.

18. John Fucking Wilkinson. Way to spring an unwanted surprise tax hike on us. Way to blame everyone but your fucking self for that!

19. Robert Fucking Rubin. Why is this man not behind bars? Too big to jail, perhaps? He should be sharing a cell with Bernie Fucking Made-Off.

20. Mark Fucking Zuckerberg. Nobody cares if you don’t believe in privacy, dude. WE do. And we don’t care what you think is “not a social norm”; our privacy commissioners up here in Canada have other ideas. (Yes, we have them. Evil government regulators, and all that. What’s more, we appreciate the work they do to protect us from scammers and highway robbers, even if it IS socialist. Boogaboogabooga!)

21. Whoever the fuck wrote this piece of class warfare. I realize that Wall St. rewards psychopathy; so does the political culture in the US. But still, I would sooner meet Ted Fucking Bundy for drinks than the guy who wrote that e-mail. You, sir, are an arrogant bottom-feeding asswipe, and I hope you end up in jail for what you’re doing with the people’s money.

22. Ann Fucking McElhinney. In her own words, “You have to see it”:

Did you make it through all that? Is your last meal still in your stomach? Mine is, but only barely. Gawd, what a twat. I wonder how much they paid her for that conversion on the road to an oil-soaked Damascus.

And finally, to anyone who ever shouted “Drill, baby, drill”. I hope you enjoy what that’s led to. I hope you’re paying for it. Better still, I hope you’re swimming in it.

Good night, and get fucked. With oozy black crude for lube.