News of the Restless

Crappy weekend, everyone! Forget the Illuminati, folks, the Obliterati are where it’s at. And yes, their candidate is who you think it is. Or should I say, WHAT you think it is? Yeah. Anyhow, there it is. And here’s who I wish it would land on and obliterate utterly this week, in no particular order:

1. Kellyanne Fucking Conway. “Next you’re going to ask about his taxes”? Damn tootin’, because Drumpf hasn’t released them yet, and it is his duty to do so. The public has a right to know why he’s evading paying them. And no, it wasn’t the Clinton camp that tried to politicize the FBI. That would be YOUR party, you moron. And above all, rape is NOT a minor thing compared to a bunch of e-mails that already checked out as not being criminal, you fucking DOLT. Rape is major. Major, major, MAJOR. No matter how long ago it was. PS: Oh lord, this again? Lady, a bunch of virgins thrown down a volcano (quite literally, in Drumpf’s case) don’t count as sacrifices on HIS part, you moron.

2. Theodore Fucking Shoebat. Not that Der Drumpf is ever actually sincere about upholding LGBT rights or anything, but he seems to be happy enough to hold up a rainbow flag just to pander to some poor delusional souls who think he cares about their rights (AND take money from an equally delusional gay billionaire). And what does Batshit do? Call for him to be put to death for it. Um, isn’t that kind of extreme? You know, like those extremist so-called Muslims that Batshit is always going on about?

3 and 4. Frank Fucking Cho and Milo Fucking Manara. People didn’t like your picture of Spider-Woman’s porn-posed ass? Well, don’t bother apologizing, and certainly don’t bother even TRYING to learn anything from your mistake (and the well-deserved criticism you got). Instead, throw a hissy fit over not being allowed to sexualize Wonder Woman in a similar way…AND have your buddy draw Spider-Woman’s pornified labia, too! (Why do I get the feeling that this is as close as either of you is ever going to get to the actual thing?) PS: Ha, ha!

5. Musleh Fucking Khan. I’m going to make this clear and simple for the hard of thinking (like this guy, who’s Toronto’s Muslim police chaplain): NO WOMAN OWES SEX TO ANY MAN. And especially not under conditions of “obedience” in marriage. If she has to “force herself” to go along with what he wants, HE IS FORCING HER. And oh yeah: SAYING NO IS NOT A SIN. Clear now?

6. Sid Fucking Miller. It’s a day ending in “day”, and a right-wing Texan has called a woman a misogynous slur, and then claimed it was somebody else’s fault. Ho hum, ain’t no news. Hey, you know what would be news to me? If a right-wing politcian from ANYWHERE actually demonstrated respect for women in general, and for female political opponents in particular. Oh yeah, and if he actually showed some fucking ACCOUNTABILITY FOR HIS OWN ACTIONS, too.

7. Jim Fucking Bakker. God will judge the US for not electing Drumpf? Yes, and She will judge the country favorably. Because one thing She takes a very dim view of is TV preachers who take Her name in vain to make $$$ off the gullible.

8. Jerry Fucking Dias. Riddle me this: what is the leader of one of Canada’s largest unions doing, making personal political campaign contributions to a right-winger who touts the idea of snitch-lines so that other wingnuts can report “barbaric cultural practices” and other “anti-Canadian values”? Oh…she’s your friend? Lie down with dogs, get up with fleas, Jerry.

9. Scott Fucking Adams. Don’t mind Dilbert, folks, he’s just drunk again. But he’s not as think as you drunk he is! Honest, ossifer.

10. Lance Fucking Wallnau. Aaaaaand AGAIN with #7. Funny how these wankers tend to cluster. And I bet that if you sniffed ‘em from up close, you’d detect a distinct odor of mothballs about them all, too!

11. Matthew Fucking Heimbach. If there’s one thing I’m truly looking forward to from all these fucking neo-Nazis on the 8th, it’s when they finally, FINALLY follow their Führer’s lead. And yes, I am talking about what happened in the Berlin bunker.

12. William Fucking Helker. Jayzus, what is it with all these Holy Joes? Would you trust this guy with YOUR kids, if you have any? Personally, I’m glad I don’t have ‘em at all, and gladder still to have left Lutheranism behind me. “Youth pastor” really is the ultimate job title for pedopervs, is it not?

13. Scott Fucking Walker. Oh look, Simple Scotty is now campaigning for the Dems! Ha, ha.

14. Steven Fucking Hotze. Gays are some kind of Kremlin plot from the old USSR, he says. Bit late for that, don’t you think? The Soviet Union is no more, and Pooty-Poot has enough on his plate, what with oligarchs and crooks at home. He hasn’t got time to set LGBT people on anyone.

15. Scott Michael Fucking Greene. Killing two cops execution-style: That’s a crime. But the reason he did it? That’s a wank. Namely: he believes the ones he killed are the same who ejected him from a high-school football game after he showed up with a Confederate flag (that’s treason!) to “protest” blacks not standing for the national anthem, which he considered a violation of HIS “civil rights”. This onion, it’s just racist ironies all the way down.

16. James Fucking Comey. In his haste to throw the election, he threw a teenage sexting victim under the Drumpf campaign bus. Smooth move, Ex-Lax.

17. Mark Fucking Rowicki. School principals are supposed to have excellent judgment. But if this one had any, he’d be the one wearing the orange prison jumpsuit while dressed as Drumpf for Halloween. Wouldn’t you think?

18. John Fucking Merrill. Uh, voter registration isn’t a contest you win; it’s an inalienable right of every citizen of legal voting age in a democracy. And since this guy doesn’t seem to realize that, I have to wonder if he even took civics, much less passed it.

19. David Fucking Duke. Hillary Clinton should get WHAT? No, dude, I think you’ve got her ass confused with yours again.

20. Maria Fucking Daly. Well, I knew that the cops were racist…but it seems that at least some of their spouses are, too. This one faked a burglary and some Black Lives Matter graffiti on her own home. I have trouble seeing anything other than pure, spiteful racism as the motive.

21. Nathan Fucking Deal. And while we’re on the subject of spiteful racists, how I sure do wish I could pelt this one with rotten peaches.

22. Brock Fucking Denton. And MOAR racism! I’m no fan of Bill Cosby, for obvious reasons, but to anyone who insists that “the South will rise again”, I have just one response: Not with minstrel-show morons like this in its colleges, it won’t.

23. Julien Fucking Clément. You hate gays and will kill them if they “approch” you? Well, isn’t that special. Interesting that the shirt revealing your shitty attitude is purple. Is that a faint whiff of mothballs I smell? About you AND your gamer buddies? Because damn, dude, my gaydar just went woop woop woop.

24. Yan Fucking Miller. You and #23…what are you? Both in the same closet together? Yeah, gays get a flag and a parade, and you can’t have a stinkin’ shirt, because they’ve been killed by thugs like you just for being gay, and you haven’t been killed by anyone for having a stinkin’ shirt that tells the world what a fucking dickhead you are. Now grow the fuck up and learn that bigotry has consequences, little boy.

25. Michael Fucking Fallon. Oh, oh. “Sir” Michael, is it? Yeah, the Queen might want to rescind that title now, because Sir Bat Guano has decided to unilaterally declare war on Russia for no apparent reason.

26. Patrick Fucking Liebrecht. Newsflash: Revenge porn isn’t something you see in National Geographic. It’s something you see coming from assholes who are mad at former girlfriends or wives for leaving them, and who have kept their nude photos just for the purpose of humiliating them. In short: It’s a nasty tool, just like this dude.

27. Kim Fucking Davis. Yes, she’s ba-ack! Still not doing her job. And still not paying her damages. Pay the fuck up and get the fuck out, you twatwaffle.

28. Jayda Fucking Fransen. Not only is she not really British (so much for that “my country” schtick!), she’s also really, REALLY guilty of hate crimes. Looks good on ya, Britain’s Worst!

29. James Fucking Wiedmann. Yeah, great election-winning strategy you got there, you cuckleheaded cucklefuck. See, I can do this cuck-cuck-cucky name-calling thing too! And I can do it better than you. Naaa, naaa.

30. Andrew Fucking Anglin. Quite aside from the offensive stereotype that all blacks live in ghettoes, or are dumb enough to take drugs and liquor instead of going out to vote: Is this moron even aware that drug-pushing and handing out liquor on the street is actually illegal? As is interfering in any way with other people’s right to vote?

And finally, to Melania Fucking Drumpf. Oh, Melania. Melania, Melania, Melania. You say you’re against online bullying? That’s great! Now tell your husband to delete his Twitter account. Because not only does he use it for the very thing you say you’re against, but he’s also got an army of asshole followers who worship him…and do the same thing under MULTIPLE accounts. In the name of fascism and white supremacy and gunwankery and Bog only knows what all else, too.

Oh, and while you’re still busy talking: Could you kindly stop plagiarizing your speeches? It’s kind of embarrassing when you’re lifting words from Marla Maples, of all people.

Good night, and get fucked!

Crappy weekend, everyone! And a very crappy one to the late Jack Fucking Chick, the Grand Imperial Wizard of fundie religious tract authors, who finally and far too belatedly went to his just reward this week. May he burn in the Hell he believed in, if it exists; if not, may the Spirit World shun, mock, and ridicule him as he deserves. Meanwhile, back in the land of the living, here’s who we’re shunning, mocking, and ridiculing this week, in no particular order:

1. Nick Fucking Whalen. What to do if your indigenous community, which relies on locally-caught food, is contaminated with methylmercury from a dam? Simple: Nick says “eat less fish”! Easier said when you’re not actually dependent on local fish for survival, eh? PS: Nice nopology, jackass.

2. Kellie Fucking Leitch. Her Drumpfesque dog-whistles on immigration are going over like a lead balloon, even among Conservatives. Will she get the hint to cease and desist, or better still, drop out of the race? Um, she’s a HarpoCon. Does that answer the question?

3. Brit Fucking Hume. Repeat after me, kiddies: What a woman does for a living does not mean she consents to every damn thing a man proposes. Very good! Now, if only Shit Fume would get that message…

4. Candace Fucking Cameron Fucking Bure. Why the double Fucking? Because that’s how sanctimonious and smug and just plain STUPID she is. Like Michael Moore says: If you don’t like gay marriage, DON’T HAVE ONE! Otherwise, lay the fuck off of those who do want one, because they’ve waited long enough and agitated damn hard and even died for the rights your dumb ass takes for granted.

5. Fred Fucking Fisher. Awarding custody of a transgender girl to her father and ordering her to dress as a boy, just because her mother respected her gender expression and supports her as she is? That’s fucking dumb, too. Now hear this, yeronner: ADULTS DO NOT GET TO DECIDE A CHILD’S GENDER, OR THE EXPRESSION THEREOF. A parent’s job is to respect, care for, and support that kid, no matter what.

6. Ryan Fucking Williams. Hey! Remember that teenage “meninist” from last week, the one who thinks women should just “hold” their menstrual bleeding (which we can’t do) instead of getting tax-free sanitary supplies (because they’re not a luxury but a necessity)? Well, his girlfriend is now his EX-girlfriend. Why? Errrrr, because he’s a “meninist”, for one thing. And for another, because he’s a stubborn doofus that she could do so much better than to keep seeing after he let his idiot flag fly AND saluted the pole he ran it up. Smart girl!

7. Bill Fucking Morneau. If you thought #3 was callous and inane, wait till you hear this guy. He sees nothing wrong with precarious employment and all the miseries it causes (not just to younger workers, I might add; we of Gen X have suffered the leaden trial balloon before them, and many of us are still suffering). Maybe we should make HIS job (and the fat pension that goes with it) precarious, eh? And call him a fuckin’ slacker while we’re at it, because he’s the definition of the word.

8. Curt Fucking Schilling. Oh dear. Feeling a little lonesome, are we? Ha, ha. That’s what you get for hitching your wagon to a name so toxic that Drumpf’s own hotels have now had to remove it from their marquees.

9. Kris Fucking Teske. Hey Drumpf, I got your election rigging right here. Oh wait, she’s one of YOURS. Ha, ha.

10. Tomi Fucking Lahren. White whine and fascism? That’s a paddlin’. And it’s coming from one of your own, too! Sounds like he’s kind of regretting having acted like you in the past. Ha, ha. PS: “Not a big reader”? No fucking duh. Also not a big thinker, by the general sounds of things. You’re not a “smart ass”, you’re a DUMB ass.

11. Wayne Fucking Allyn Fucking Root. Why the double Fucking? Because that’s how dumb and blind you have to be to see a creepy, crooked old coot like Der Drumpf as “handsome”. Or “the perfect guy sent from God and from Central Casting”. Uh, dumbass? God doesn’t hire through Central Casting. Much less chronic, pathological liars who never met an under-age girl they couldn’t ply with cocaine. He can’t even save two cents. Why would he bother to save a country?

12. Rudy Fucking Giuliani. Oh sweet Juheebus, this is sad. Rudy claims Drumpfy has a plan, but he won’t say what it is. Either he doesn’t know, or there really isn’t one. Either way, he’s as void of value and full of trash as Drumpf’s Dump. PS: Oh gawd, this is SO sad.

13. Matt Fucking Forney. He thinks white women are aroused by Drumpf (“having sex dreams”), and that there’s going to be a “white baby boom” as a result of all his rapey posturing, shrimp-finger-wagging, and the sight of his wrinkly lips flapping? Nope — just checked my pants, and my little pink ladybits are saying “Wake me up again when the vote is in and he’s lost by a landslide”. Also, that “in my experience”? Is a sign that he has NO experience. Matty, have you looked in the mirror lately? NO WOMAN WANTS YOU. Total self-awareness fail!

14. Roger Fucking Stone. Since he and Drumpf are obviously on some kind of drugs, he figures Hillary must be, too? Man, whatever he’s on, I don’t want any. It makes you project harder than that guy in the backroom of the Cineplex Odeon!

15. Ed Fucking Klein. Aaaaand again with the performance-enhancing drugs. Dude, get thee to a detox and dry out, you’re embarrassing yourself!

16. Sean Fucking Hannity. Newsflash, Baby Jeebus: You don’t get to send Barack Obama “back to Kenya”, because he’s not FROM there, you racist shithead. Now, if you wanted to send him back to Hawaii or Illinois, it would be a very different story. PS: Oh dear, how embarrassing. Can’t you pick a REAL news story to get worked up about? First satire, then the National Enquirer? Talk about scraping the bottom of the barrel.

17. Scott Fucking Baio. Chachi, Chachi, Chachi. If you ever hope to be remembered as something other than that smarmy little pest who always made Joanie roll her eyes (and for good reason), maybe it’s best you get off the Internets altogether. That way, you won’t be tempted to retweet some moron claiming to be a Canadian, but who’s as dumb as your typical right-wing Yank, and probably really is one behind the screens.

18. Richard Fucking Yuengling, Jr. He supports Drumpf? Well, there’s one more big US beer brand that will never cross my lips. Right up there with KKKoors. PS: And BOOM. Ha, ha.

19. Newt Fucking Gingrich. Women are thanking him for being a sexist slob? What women? PS: Ha, ha. Looks like at least ONE Republican woman isn’t thanking him. PPS: And a ha, ha, ha! Pwned by Keith Boag. That’s gotta sting…

20. Joe Fucking Walsh. Prepare to lose, you treasonous fuckwad. And if you’re gonna go around fomenting armed rebellion just because the election didn’t go your way, prepare to be jailed or killed.

21. Donald Fucking Drumpf, Jr. He thinks Michael Moore made a pro-Drumpf film? Oh, ha ha ha, silly boy. Maybe you’d better wach the whole thing, eh?

22. Paula Fucking Jones. Not a fan of Megyn Kelly in the least, but “nasty heifer”? Really? Considering how Newty (#20 this week!) pimped this one out back in the ‘90s (and Der Drumpf is still doing so!), she’s a fine one to talk. And a barely coherent one, too, if her tweeter is anything to go by.

23. Joe Fucking Kernen. Sorry, but “Brexit! Brexit! Brexit!” is not a coherent answer. To anything.

24. Scott Fucking Adams. Less than two weeks to go before Drumpf loses the election, and this guy loses what little is left of his mind. I can hardly wait!

25. Stephen Fucking Baldwin. Why?

That’s why. Little Stevie is the brain-dead sheep of the family.

26. James O’Fucking Keefe. That’s right, go join #24 in the corner. Put on the OTHER pointed hat, and climb up on the stool. And face the wall. Because when the revolution comes, it won’t be fascists fighting it OR winning it, much less with dank (how appropriate, it means moist, moldy and ill-smelling) memes and mean tweets and heavily-edited crapaganda videos, ya weenie.

27. Mark Fucking Kirk. Holy fucking shit, motherfucker, you are RACIST. And SEXIST. And every-other-awful-thing-ist. And bubba, are you ever gonna LOSE to her. And when you do, I am so gonna laugh. And point.

28. Jesse Fucking Benton. Uh, you do realize that voter suppression is ILLEGAL, right? RIGHT???

29. Alex Fucking Jones. He’s not saying it was aliens, but IT WUZ ALIENZ! He’s not antisemitic, but TEH JOOOOZ! Teh JOOOOOOOOOZ run EBBERYTHING! And next up, he’ll say he’s not paranoid, they really ARE out to get him. Yes, Alex, yes they are. Only problem is, the “Jewish Mafia” died with Jack Ruby, Meyer Lansky, and their ilk. Now run along with the nice men in the white coats. You’ll be safer in that nice, locked room.

30. Donald Fucking Drumpf. Yep, I’m counting down the days to when mentioning him in this space will become merely optional for me. In the meantime, ha ha — he actually called one of his own (few!) actual black supporters a “thug” and had him tossed out of a rally. Well, he was maybe right about the thug bit — but then, that also applies to his WHITE supporters, and I don’t see him tossing any of THEM out.

And finally, to the fucking jurors who acquitted Ammon Fucking Bundy and his entire fucking mafia of wingnuts, whackjobs and white supremacists. Thanks for confirming everything people have been saying for years about white privilege. Thanks for overriding the wishes of the actual residents of Malheur County and telling people who actually live there that their laws and lives don’t matter. Thanks for proving that misrule is totally acceptable when white people do it. And above all, thanks for emboldening the worst white people in the world. If fascism comes back to roost, I’m holding all of you directly responsible for making that possible. I hope you bought-off idiots and assholes don’t get another minute of sound sleep for the rest of your miserable, unnatural lives.

Good night, and get fucked!