News of the Restless

Crappy weekend, everyone! And a very crappy Canada Day to all my fellow Canucks. Well. How about that Brexit? Looks like the United Kingdom is no longer so united. Scotland wants out of the UK and into the EU, and Northern Ireland is looking to reunite with the rest of Ireland. No word yet on what Wales and Cornwall are going to do, but if they’re smart, they’ll join the rest of the Kelts in un-joining. The UK could soon be the FUK — Formerly United Kingdom. And that bit of fuckery (or should I say fukkery?) will be all the fault of some major, MAJOR wankers…some of whom just HAD to appear here:

1. Nigel Fucking Farage. While the rest of this list is in no particular order, I still felt he should be awarded the first-cracker-out-of-the-box spot. Why? Because he’s a fucking flip-flopping wankmuppet, why else? PS: And oh yeah, he’s also a gloating shitmaggot who forgets that a politician died on the eve of his pyrrhic victory. And was murdered by one of his more extreme supporters. PS: Blowback’s a bitch, innit? Hahahahahah.

2. Jan Fucking Brewer. Oh boo fucking hooooooo, she doesn’t like being called a bigot. Well, tough shit, Jan. If you support Drumpf, you ARE a bigot. The moron has no supporters who are not bigots anyway, and neither do you. Wear that shoe, and don’t complain about the pinching…it fits you to a T.

3. Jason Fucking Kenney. Why?

That’s why. Does his right hand even know what his left hand is doing, or does he just wank ambidextrously? PS: Give it up, Jason, the dog-whistling won’t work. Alberta can whine and stomp and pout all it likes (and so can you), but it doesn’t have a ball to take and go home with anymore (and neither do you). PPS: And when you’re so toxic that other Alberta Tories are threatening to quit because of you, you really have no balls at all.

4. Joe Fucking Walsh. Racism elected a black president? Will wonders never cease! I always thought racism’s whole purpose was to keep white people (and more specifically, cis-het white males) on top of everyfuckingthing, whether they had any business being there or not.

5. Corey Fucking Lewandowski. No, Der Drumpf is NOT an expert on Britain in any way, shape or form. Remember how they trounced him on the tweeter? PS: Oh FUCK no. Get this bastard off the air, already! PPS: That giant whistling noise you hear is…oh gawd…INCOMING!!!

6. Laura Fucking Ingraham. Propping up the LGBTphobic scare agenda, are we? And telling people to shit their pants over it? Not smart…but then, when was she ever?

7. Ainsley Fucking Earhardt. No, stupid, you CAN’T relate to surviving a Nazi concentration camp. For that matter, you can’t relate to making all kinds of shifts to get through the Great Depression. You’re a FUX Snooze bimbo, and you’ve never done a hard thing in your life. Change your surname to Airhead, it suits you better.

8. Clarence Fucking Thomas. So. Are any of us missing Vaffanculo Scalia yet? No? Good. Because his long-silent butler has valiantly decided to step in for him and offer the most inane defence of the indefensible in the history of ever. Luckily for the domestically abused (read: WOMEN), the majority opinion was that no, their abusers (read: MEN) should NOT get easier access to the weapons to murder them with.

9. Jeffrey Fucking Lord. Fact-checking is “elitist” and “out of touch”? Well, now we need no longer wonder why journalism is in the deep shit that it’s in. Apparently media moguls agree, and those out-of-touch elitists are cutting fact-checkers in the name of saving cash on salaries, and making it on advertising crapaganda!

10. Bill Fucking Donohue. Makes career out of attacking gays. Told to apologize for it by no less than the Pope himself. Tells Pope to go fuck himself. Claims he’s being attacked by gays. Wants an apology from them because they dared to insist on being treated as the equals of heterosexuals. Jesus facepalms.

11. Andrew Fucking Anglin. Remember how, earlier this week, I told you about a bunch of Drumpf-bots who interpreted a bunch of chickenshit Nazis getting their asses whupped as a sign of “victory” for the Nazis in a “race war” that’s not actually happening, simply because those brave, brave Free Speech Warriors™ brought knives and stabbed the antifascists who drove them out of Sacramento? Well, here’s another of those disociados. There will be more, and they will all suffer the same ignominious fate, so let’s all point and laugh, shall we?

12. Donald Fucking Drumpf. He spoke in front of a huge pile of garbage. For once, he was truly in his element. Now, for the real question: Does anyone have a match??? PS: And yes, he really is trash. PPS: And his math skills are garbage, too.

13. William Fucking Strong. When in New Mexico, don’t be dissing the Mexicans, “legal” or otherwise. Or the women. Or the indigenous folks. Or…well, anyone. Anywhere. EVER. In short: Stop being such a spoiled whiny-ass dick and learn to get along with others, you bumptious old fart.

14. Samuel Fucking Alito. He wants theocratic pharmacy owners to have more control over women’s bodies than women themselves do? Good thing he’s outnumbered by smarter heads on the SCOTUS. Just a pity he and #8 are still on it. Time they both retired…or God steps in to remove them, I don’t really care which.

15. Dan Fucking Hannan. Denial ain’t no river in England, Cleo. When there’s a 57% uptick in xenophobic and racist incidents since your referendum, it’s time to own your shit.

16. Rick Fucking Tyler. Hey! Remember this guy? Last week he got boycotted because he put up a Drumpf-supporting billboard reading “Make America White Again”. This week, he’s all butthurt about the boycott. Someone please remind him that freedom of speech means freedom of others to criticize your speech, and also to ostracize YOU, because he has yet to get the message. Now get your stupid ass off that cross. You’re no martyr, and we need the lumber and the hardware for better things.

17. Tomi Fucking Lahren. In case you haven’t noticed, the BET awards are not the Oscars. She hasn’t noticed. Must be all that hair bleach, slowly eating its way down through her obsessively touched-up roots to her brain. PS: Where is this “free pass” that non-white people supposedly get? I’ve never seen one flash it. Have you?

18. Kevin Fucking Sorbo. Dude, when have you (or any other white man) ever been criminally profiled just for being white? Sit down. And shut up.

19. Andrea Fucking Hardie. Does someone have daddy issues? I think someone has daddy issues. Girl, stop projecting them onto others. It’s embarrassing and undignified…not to mention way, way WRONG. Just admit that YOU are the one who wants to be “daddied”, and have done with it, already.

20. Jeff Fucking Guice. Uh, jackass? If that woman had enough money that she earned, would she be turning to YOU for help with her diabetic daughter’s medical needs? You weren’t just elected so you could sit around doing nothing but suck on the public tit, you know. Get off your ass and HELP her. And if you can’t do that — RESIGN.

21. Katrina Fucking Pierson. Well, one can’t accuse Der Drumpf of not getting his money’s worth out of HER. That much hardcore stoooooopid is priceless!

22. Daryush Fucking Valizadeh. All this time, I’ve been wondering how to scare him and his odious followers off, since he’s a rapey, basement-dwelling fungal creep whom no woman could desire. Turns out that simply loathing Der Drumpf will do it! Ladies, now you too can get the gross dudes off your butt…by simply being your intelligent selves and making it known that you can’t stand Drumpf! Dooooo eeeeeeeeet!

23. Kayleigh Fucking McEnany. Anyone who proposes waterboarding as a solution in ANY context should be automatically subjected to it themselves, so they get firsthand knowledge of why that’s a bad idea. Case in point: Der Drumpf’s latest stupid surrogate.

24. Stacey Fucking Dash. My oh my, what have we here? Another right-wing hypocrite who spends all her time bashing other women while collecting money for doing nothing!

25. Jason Fucking Chaffetz. What better way to commemorate the one-month anniversary of the Orlando massacre…than to table a bill allowing even MORE discrimination against LGBT+ people on the basis of “deeply held religious convictions”? Well, I can think of a few…and they all involve voting out punks like this one.

26. Peter Fucking Hargreaves. How are you enjoying your pyrrhic victory, sir? First a multimillion-pound donation to the Leave campaign…and then 400 million MORE down the drain as a direct result of Brexit? I only regret that it didn’t leave you stone broke. Millions of innocent people who didn’t have that much have lost far more, and will continue to do so long after your fucking shares have recovered. But hey! At least your name is mud from here on in.

27. Steve Fucking Deace. The only argument you have is that hoary old comparison of women’s clinics to concentration camps, even though it’s well known that the Nazis were against abortion. If you can’t do better than that, you DESERVE to go on losing as you have over the years.

28. Mat Fucking Staver. What’s wrong with LGBT people and their Christian friends having “love fests”? If you’re not into love — don’t have any! And shut the fuck up about it.

29. Caitlyn Fucking Jenner. Der Drumpf, a champion of women and LGBT people, when all he’s ever done is heap scorn and contempt on both? Oy. I’m with Betty Bowers on this one: There’s nothing wrong with her identifying as a woman, but dammit to hell, why can’t she identify as a SMART one?

30. Aaron Fucking Persky. Yeah, surprise: The same judge who awarded Brock Turner little more than a slap on the wrist for raping a woman behind a dumpster…gave a Latino man six times the sentence for the exact same crime! I’m sure that color and ethnicity had no bearing on that decision…AT ALL. PS: Don’t forget to sign the petition, if you haven’t already!

31. Boris Fucking Johnson. And here’s another architect of Wrexit. The British equivalent of the late Rob Fucking Ford, bless his crack-smokin’, bumblefuck, bumbaclot ass. Well, at least this one wasn’t so stupid that he couldn’t read the writing on the wall. He won’t be running for PM. But since the damage is already done, he doesn’t have to. PS: Ha, ha!

32. Theodore Fucking Beale. Just when you thought the drivelling dreck-writer otherwise known as Vox Day couldn’t get any uglier, he goes and does. Now with EXTRA racism!

33. Deepak Fucking Chopra. Canada Post just keeps getting more expensive and less convenient. That was partly his doing. What’s ENTIRELY his doing? The fact that our posties are now faced with a lockout. Is that any way to treat the people who won maternity leave for women all over Canada? Fucking Harper-leftover wanker should be fired.

34. Sarah Fucking Palin. Have I listed her yet for this week? No? Well, now I have. This might be her most wankiest wank yet.

35. Jason Fucking Alexander. So, who says crime doesn’t pay? He would have gotten 7 years for possession of videos of child sexual abuse, but instead, it’s 10 years’ “probation”. I wonder if he got it because his dad howled about all the rib-eye steaks he’d no longer be cooking, or if his mom complained that she couldn’t even decorate the house anymore.

36. Pat Fucking McCrory. Whole world boycotting your shitty state because you’re the hateful-laws capital of the US of Amnesia? Apply for disaster relief! (And good luck getting it.)

37. Jennifer Fucking Mayers. I’m not sure what part of her racist defence of murder qualifies as “positivity through Christ”, so I’m just gonna put her down as “idiots gonna idiot” instead.

38. Rush Fucking Limbaugh. I don’t really care what he’s predicting; I just know it’s gonna be wrong. How can I predict that? Simple: By studying his pattern of prior wrongness.

39. Pam Fucking Bondi. Florida’s Attorney General, taking bribes from Der Drumpf? I’m shocked. SHOCKED, I tell you. And by SHOCKED, I mean shit, it’s Florida, where anything shitty that can happen, invariably will. Florida Man’s Law, don’tcha know?

40. Matthew Fucking Jansen. An easily-unhinged Drumpf supporter, packing a Glock to a Gooper rally against the rally’s rules? This can only end well.

And finally, to the as-yet-unnamed motherfucker who violated both Chanty Binx’s privacy AND the security system of the LCBO store where he was working when Binx stopped in to buy a bottle, as normal Canadians are wont to do on occasion. He posted security photos of her to the Internet, thus outing himself as a rabid menzer (and judging by his tattoos, as a rabid neofascist/white supremacist, too.) Karma’s a bitch, motherfucker, and when She bites, She’s gonna bite you HARD. Just sayin’.

Good night, and get fucked!

Crappy weekend, everyone! This week, I’m dead tired of all the bullshit going down. I’m in a contemplative frame of mind, and you know what that calls for? That’s right, thoughts ’n’ prayers! So, with no further ado and in no particular order, here’s who I’m thinking of and praying for this week:

1. Erick Fucking Erickson. “Scrub the gay from the Orlando Massacre”? Um, how about NO? And how about we scrub you from the airwaves, the internet, and the consciousness of the world at large instead, since you’re worse than useless anyway?

2. Kevin Fucking Swanson. So, the gays of Orlando “had it coming”? Well, I can’t wait to see what you’ve got coming. Hopefully a revocation of whatever licence you’re broadcasting under, for starters. And preferably even more humiliating and career-ending things to come, since people who talk like you tend to be harboring the most perverted secrets of all.

3. Sean Fucking Hannity. Oh, shut UP, Baby Jeebus. Your biggest problem isn’t “radical Islamists”, it’s radical right-wing shitferbrains…like YOU.

4. Kenneth Fucking Lewis. He wanted Orlando “leveled” because, in his words, it’s “a melting pot of 3rd world miscreants and ghetto thugs…void of culture”. And that’s not the first time he’s shown his racist ass, either. He’s out now, and good fucking riddance.

5. Scott Fucking Baio. Chachi, Chachi, Chachi. I can’t tell whether you’re washed-up, a has-been, or just a natural-born loser. One thing’s for sure, though: You haven’t aged well. PS: Go ahead and sue me…if you can find me, MORON.

6. Ted Fucking Nugent. “Sexy gals”, you say? Your concert tix are going for a fraction of their original face value. Somehow, I doubt that the crème des femmes is going to be showing up. And if they’re skinny, it’s because of all the meth they do just in order to be able to tolerate your drivel.

7. Jesse Fucking Price. No, God’s wrath isn’t falling on the gays. But the people’s wrath is falling on YOU, and deservedly so…as much for your shitty sign-writing skills as for your rampant homophobia.

8. Donnie Fucking Romero. Uh, you do realize that not all the 50 victims of Orlando were gay men, right? One of them was the mother of a dozen kids, and there with her gay son. Careful with the gloating and the ugly prayers lest Karma rise up to bite you in the ass.

9. Larry Fucking Pratt. No, alcohol doesn’t cause gun massacres. All of them have only one thing in common, and it’s not a bottle of booze.

10. Bill Fucking Donohue. The Catholic Church isn’t a person. It can’t be raped. Children, on the other hand, can…and guess who’s doing it to them more than just about anyone?

11. Lisa Fucking Raitt. Hey millennial kids! Forget about there being a CPP when you get old enough to need it. Lisa wants you to drive cars for a crapitalist “sharing economy” giant until you drop dead in your walkers. How’s that for motivation?

12. Ted Fucking Falk. Not going to Pride? Not a good look. Demanding to be respected for being a fundie jackass way behind the times? That’s a wank!

13. Wayne Fucking LaPierre. Look out, world. The Peter has finally lost what little mind he had left. Now he’s reduced to babbling paranoid nonsense. This is enough to make me wish somebody would actually come for their guns.

14. Tana Fucking Goertz. “Money is not a problem” for Der Drumpf? That’s funny. He’s been reduced to “emergency” fund-raising for a campaign he claimed was “self-funding”. And he won’t release his tax forms, probably because they’ll show that he’s not, in fact, a billionaire or anything close to it. I’d say that money is, indeed, a problem for him. Indeed, the root of all his problems. At this rate, you’ll probably want to go back to shilling for Bedazzlers, they’re worth more than he is. Ha, ha.

15. Sandy Fucking Rios. Meanwhile, this is how we really know Der Drumpf is losing. When his unhinged “Christian” supporters urge killing in the name of Wingnut Jesus — oh sorry, DRUMPF — you just know he’s going down in flames, and taking them all with him.

16. Jon Fucking Ralston. Booted out by PBS for lying like a dirty rug about Bernie Sanders supporters — oh sorry, “Berniebots” — in Vegas? A fine “reporter” YOU turned out to be, Jono. Next time, try verifying your sources’ claims…you know, like a REAL reporter. Don’t make Snopes do your work for you.

17. David Fucking Barton. You think women shouldn’t vote? I think you shouldn’t open your mouth. Ever. Again.

18. Howard Fucking Sparber. The only thing scarier than Florida Man…is Florida Man with a hard-on. Or a hate-on. With Florida Man, it’s always hard to tell the difference.

19. Rick Fucking Tyler. “Make America White Again”? Well, THERE’s a Drumpfite who’s at least honest about his racism. Too bad he’s wrong about his history. America, the continent, was never white, and the United States, the country, was never white, either. There is no “again” about it. These people are talking genocide, and it’s time to shut them all down.

20. Pat Fucking Robertson. Oh Patwa, go home, you’re drunk! (Again!) Because if you really thought God was going to punish women for having abortions, and doctors for doing them, you keep forgetting who’s the biggest abortionist of them all…and, hint-hint, it’s the sky-pixie that brings on all the miscarriages and kills off fertilized eggs before they can even implant!

21. Marco Fucking Rubio. First he wasn’t seeking re-election. Now he IS? Well, in the end, it’s the people who will decide…and if they’re at all smart, they will decide that they are sick of his shit. Including all the flippy-floppy.

22. Steve Fucking King. Oh, you’re a conservative, are you? You like to keep what you have, do you? You like rampant gun violence? You like racism? Oh wait…you say you don’t like racism, because racism, according to your brand new conservative definition, is “trying to identify people by categories”? Well, duh, people are often identified by categories anyoldhow, and “liberal activism” has piss-all to do with that. It’s as old as the hills, as is stupidity. And excluding people by categories falls squarely under conservative stupidity, too. And that’s the only thing you’re truly conserving when you try to keep Harriet Tubman’s face off the twenty-dollar bill.

23. Ken Fucking Ham. At this rate, his Ark-park will probably never open. And that’s a very good thing. Because it sounds like he’s an absolute shit to work for.

24. Davis Fucking Aurini. Still babbling. Still knows nothing. Still making no sense. Still an asshole. And that’s why he’s still not getting any girls.

25. Bill Fucking Keebler. No, he’s not a cookie-baking elf. He’s yet another Bundyite toy-army whackjob, and now he’s in jail for trying to blow up a government building. Oh yeah, and although the major media aren’t calling him that, he’s also a would-be terrorist and recruiter of terrorists. Who, thankfully, got arrested before he could carry his terror plans out.

26. Zack Fucking Thomas. The only thing dumber than a ranting racist Drumpfite is a crybaby racist Drumpfite. And this guy has gone from dumb to dumber in the space of a day. So dumb, in fact, that he forgets that we’ve all seen his neo-Nazi tattoo (it covers his entire back), and no one believes his “I’m not racist” bawling for an instant.

27. Scott Fucking Adams. Dude. We get it. You don’t like V-neck sweaters. So don’t wear them, then. And STFU about it!

28. Tony Fucking Robbins. Well, how about that. The Big Kahuna of motivational speakers…is not a real kahuna. At ALL. And 30 poor fools spent a fortune to get their feet burned on one of his “power-unleashing” fake firewalks, by real hot coals. Here’s your motivational thought for the day, folks: If a real Hawaiian Kahuna isn’t conducting the ceremony, save your money…and your soles, too!

29. Steven Fucking Anderson. Awwwww. Duzzums haz a mad ‘cause yer money train got derailed? Diddums! Ha, ha.

30. Donald Fucking Drumpf. Why?

That’s why. And on a related note, ¡VIVA ESCOCIA, CARAJOOOOO! Ja, ja, ja.

And finally, to Ernest Fucking Bothi, and all the right-wing oilpatch assholes who thought it would be cute to have a picture of Rachel Notley — the popular NDP premier of Alberta — as a target on their mini-golf course. Because batting balls at a woman’s face is such a civilized alternative to target-shooting with AR-15 not-deer rifles, isn’t it? Oh, and nice nopology too. And nice reference to communism! What decade are you living in, asshole? “I’m sorry IF” is not an apology, and the NDP are a long way from communism. Which, by now, is looking downright good, because what you sexist murder-mongering crapitalists have on offer isn’t worth wiping my ass on anymore. ANY of it.

And if you don’t like MY free speech, here’s all I have to say to you:

Good night, and get fucked!