News of the Restless

Crappy weekend, everyone! If you’re wondering what all that literal crap floating around you is, it’s called rape culture, and we’re all soaking in it. Time to start fishing those gungy smelly lumps out of the water, eh? And this week, they are, in no particular order:

1. Dan Fucking Turner. Oh boo fucking hoo, Rapeyboy Son shouldn’t go to the Big House because it’ll affect his “happy-go-lucky” appetite! What about the victim? Because there’s a lot more that she’s lost already for the sake of Sonny’s “20 minutes of action”. And really: rape is “action”? I think the word you’re looking for there is CRIME! Yeah, we all wonder where Snookums got his rapey tendencies from, and guess what? It’s not from a bottle — it’s from the attitudes instilled by Dear Ol’ Dad! PS: Oh HELL no. Dude, you have money. Don’t pull a Drumpf. PPS: And that goes double for your wife. Lady, your precious kid is a competitive swimmer. He’s also a grown-ass man. He’s easily strong enough to drag an unconscious woman behind a dumpster, rip off her clothes, and hump her for nearly half an hour. Trust me, he’ll survive jail. Which is where he belongs, and not just for 3 measly months, either.

2. Leslie Fucking Rasmussen. And speaking of attitudes that are pure rape culture, get a load of hers. Yes, she’s a friend of Rapeyboy…STILL. Gee, isn’t it nice to know that of all the “happy-go-lucky” things he’s lost, at least he hasn’t lost the support of fucking idiots (some of them female!) who think that sending a white guy to jail for rape is merely “politically correct”? PS: “Good English”? Girl, you need to fucking LEARN SOME before you start to write about…well, anything actually, but rape especially. PPS: Ha, ha. Karma’s a bitch, eh?

3. Aaron Fucking Persky. Sign, sign, sign the petition, people. DOOOO EEEET. PS: This one too, please. PPS: And in case you need any further reasons to sign, how about a woman whose husband almost beat her to death? Or some dirty defence tactics that passed muster with Hizzoner?

4. Scott Fucking Adams. Dude. Please. Stick to cartooning. I beg of you. (Not that you do even THAT especially well, but it’s a damn sight better than you do politics!)

5. Robert Fucking Morrow. Holy fucking shit, this is one helluva space cadet. And his tweeter…Ye Gods. Some of the people he slams on it are people I’ve slammed (repeatedly) here, and now he’s actually got me feeling sorry for them, because he is even a bigger wanker than all of them combined. (Quite literally.) And of course, he’s an Alex Fucking Jones fan, too. Because batshit tends to cluster, don’tcha know?

6. Chuck Fucking Woolery. And speaking of space cadets, apparently it’s a requirement to have been one before hosting Wheel of Fortune. If you thought Pat Fucking Sajak was dissociated, wait’ll you get a load of his predecessor!

7. Frank Fucking Amedia. If this is who’s writing policy for Der Drumpf, be afraid. Be very afraid. And also, very nauseated. Because theocracy, ugh. Also, arghlbloo blah blib.

8. Tom Fucking Bagwell. If you ever wondered why nobody votes for Libertarians, take a look at this guy’s views of teacher-student rape…and wonder no more. When kids as young as 13 are presumed to be “mature enough to handle it”, never mind that “it” is the predatory libido of an adult who is supposed to be in loco parentis…well, you’re just off in another world, aren’t you?

9. Martin Fucking Daniel. Muhammad Ali didn’t “fail to enlist”, he openly conscientiously objected to being sent to kill and die in white men’s imperialistic wars. Here, let him school you in his own words:

Does that look like a “failure” to YOU?

10. Axl Fucking Rose. Oh dear, someone hasn’t yet heard of the Streisand Effect. But he’s juuuuust about to, rest assured!

11. Andrew Fucking Anglin. Oh boo hoo, women aren’t voting for Nazis! Newsflash, idiot: Neither are men. And no, the end result of all this not-voting-Nazi will not be gang-rape. It will be a better civilization than these fucking InterNazis (who are no small gang-rape supporters and fantasists themselves) could ever come up with.

12. Jim Fucking Karygiannis. He broke Toronto city council rules, but no punishment has been forthcoming, even though everyone agrees he’s an asshole who couldn’t behave himself? Very well then, one public shaming coming right down!

13. Bryan Fucking Fischer. I don’t believe in Satan. And I also don’t believe in sexual scare tactics. Fuck off with all that shit.

14. David Fucking Barton. People who criticize your shit don’t hate anyone or anything…except, maybe, rampant revisionist idiocy. Fuck off with that.

15. Michael Fucking Miller. Yes, let’s perpetuate the “poor promising all-American white boy with a ruined future” meme. Never mind that his future wouldn’t be ruined if HE hadn’t fucking ruined it by dragging an unconscious woman behind a dumpster and trying to rape her!

16. Paul Fucking Elam. Or whoever’s responsible for this shitpile on Facebook:

Uh, Paulie? In case you hadn’t noticed, the entire Internet is abuzz with praise for those two brave young Swedes (whose parents, not being deadbeats like yourself, clearly raised them right, and who incidentally come from a land with much better sex-assault laws, too). Shame on you for trying to cover Rapeyboy and Rapeydad’s asses. Priorities, eh?

17. Scottie Nell Fucking Hughes. Oh gawd, HER again. And this time, she’s trying to spin Der Drumpf’s sexism as a desire to protect “unborn women’s rights”. Uh, dumbass? A fetus in utero is not a full-grown adult. A female fetus is not a woman. It doesn’t have rights to protect. You know who DOES have rights to protect? GROWN-ASS ADULT WOMEN. Some of whom WILL choose abortion, possibly because they might even NEED one. (Sorry ‘bout all the pointy italics, but there’s no other way of penetrating her dense head.)

18. Randy Fucking Zelin. And AGAIN with the “political correctness” bullshit. When even FUX Snooze’s professional sexists and newsbimbos aren’t having it, you know you need to find a new schtick.

19. Bill O’Fucking Reilly. Yes, Billo wanked again. And this time, it was over the corpse of Muhammad Ali. There really is nothing he won’t stoop to, is there? PS: And speaking of racism, here’s Billo, claiming that Der Drumpf can’t be a racist because he’s not David Duke. No, of course not. He just has Duke’s endorsement! Big fucking difference!

20. Robert Fucking Bentley. Yes, the governor of Alabama wanked again, too. And this time, it was over all the contaminated water people in that state are being forced to drink…not thanks to his own shoddy policy-making or enforcement, but because of the EPA. Yes, really. He blames them for what is his own damn fault. Whatever happened to Personal Responsibility?

21. Jon Fucking Lopey. While the AP was busy crowning Hillary Clinton queen of the Dems, guess who was interfering with the citizens’ right to vote for Bernie? Yup. THIS guy. Who calls himself a “constitutional sheriff”. Where in the constitution does it say sheriffs get to meddle with voters’ rights? NOWHERE.

22. Stephen Fucking Moore. Man-made climate change is “mere propaganda”? That’s like saying that sentencing a rapist to a proper time in jail is mere “political correctness”. FYI, the consensus on the matter was reached by scientists, not right-wing stink-tankers like you. And they pulled that data from actual observation, not from your anus.

23. Greg Fucking McCurdy. And speaking of things pulled from asses, how about this guy’s “battered Trump supporter” meme? Yeah, smooth move, using an Australian actress showing off her makeup job for a horror film and passing her off as a Yank for Drumpf who was beaten up by imaginary “fascists”. She’s not impressed, BTW.

24. Everett Fucking Corley. Sore loser says what? Tsk, tsk.

25. Laura Fucking Ingraham. Why does this idiotic woman have a show, and who’s the bonehead that gave her one? And really…Hillary Clinton “lacks substance”? Granted, compared to Bernie Sanders as a progressive she does, but to Der Drumpf? Oh, PLEASE. And WTF is this “magic sauce” she’s prattling about, and why does she think Der Drumpf has it? It might be somewhat useful (maybe? I dunno) for crappy fast-food hamburgers, but this is the possible future POTUS we’re talking about here, not McDerpald’s. Come the fuck ON!

26. Donald Fucking Drumpf. I guess the fabled “magic sauce” must consist of an awful lot of unpaid bills, because that’s one thing he’s got for sure. Time to audit this mofo, and pull the plug on his run! PS: And on his idiot spokeswoman, too. No, Bernie supporters will NOT be voting for this moron instead of Clinton. They want the SMART candidate, remember?

27. Louie Fucking Gohmert. Uh, dumbass? Lots of those veterans committing suicide ARE transgender already. And part of the reason they don’t want to live is dumb fuckasses like you, who refuse to acknowledge that they deserve freedom, safety and decent healthcare, regardless of what’s in their pants.

28. Ezra Fucking Levant. It’s a day ending in “day”, and just as he always does on such days, Ezzy the Putz is busy fighting for freedom of speech…by trying to slap censorship on anyone who speaks up against him. If you have a few bucks to spare, folks, please send them Canadian Cynic’s way, he could sure use the help.

29. David Fucking Perdue. A little late in the game, isn’t it, to be “praying” for an end to the Obama presidency? His final mandated term is up this year anyway. This is just petty spite and vengeful stupidity on the part of yet another whited sepulchre of the Religious Reich. You ain’t no king, David. PS: Sign, sign, SIGN!

30. James Fucking Dobson. If you’re really so keen on not selling your daughter into prostitution, dude, you might want to dispense with the marry-‘em-off-young purity culture, and just let other people’s transgender daughters go pee in the ladies’ room where they need to…and where not one trans woman has yet assaulted any other woman or girl.

And finally, to the dick-smacking dickfaced dickheads of Daryush Fucking Valizadeh’s rapist forum. You are not the victims of anything except your own damn delusions. We see you, shitheads. And if I ever see one of you fuckers trying to take advantage of an incapacitated person, you won’t be able to count on my Nice Girl Training™ holding me back any longer. I’m OVER it, motherfuckers. Rape is unpardonable, and I’m past caring if any of you think I’m a bitch. ‘Fact, I’m past caring if you even live or die.

Good night, and get fucked!

Crappy weekend, everyone! Well, how about that Drumpf-Bernie debate that never happened, even though Der Drumpf got someone else to pay for it. Guess what that makes him? Yup…Buk buk buk BAWWWWWK! Ahem. And now that we’ve seen his true plumage, here are the rest of this week’s dumb clucks, in no particular (pecking) order:

1. James Fucking Weeks. If you ever wondered whether capital-L Libertarians were serious people, now you have an answer. This party leadership candidate did a strip act on a dare…right before dropping out of the race. And of course, it happened in Florida. PS: Sorry for the Moonie Times link, it’s the only one apparently covering this fiasco.

2. Barbara Fucking Bush. She doesn’t understand how women could vote for Der Drumpf? Easy, Barb…same as they did for your husband and your idiot son.

3. Sarah Fucking Palin. Jesus Christ, woman, go the fuck home. You’re fucking DRUNK.

4. Linda Fucking Sorenson. Seriously, Colorado Repugs, get your fucking act together. Is your racist photo a hack, or a “joke” that you don’t care if it offends anyone? Maybe you’d best decide these things before you post them on your Facebook pages, eh?

5. Allan Fucking Goldman. 30+ men — not trans women — raped a 16-year-old girl in Brazil. And one fucking idiot decided to speculate pointlessly (and in bad English) about “gender ideology” on his Facebook page about it. And promptly got fired for it, because that kind of stoopid is going over rather badly in Brazil right now.

6. Rona Fucking Ambrose. Justin Trudeau, “female” prime minister? Nice sexism you got there, lady. So much for your late conversion to feminism, eh? And yeah, so much for your “feminist” party, too. You had a female prime minister — briefly — who did fuck-all for women, and never got re-elected. But nice job glossing that over.

7. Phil Fucking Bryant. Dude, get the hell off that cross. We need the lumber AND the nails. And your name isn’t Jesus.

8. Colin Fucking Murphy. Florida Man, eat your heart out. This week, Ohio Man has topped you by drunkenly pooping on a supermarket self-checkout unit. Guess he mistook it for one of their newly gender-neutral toilets.

9. Janice Fucking Fiamengo. Isn’t it nice to know that the University of Ottawa has a tenured professor who’s not afraid — or ashamed — to boogie with actual white supremacists in the name of the men’s rights bowel movement? And to think she calls us feminists Nazis. Jan, you owe me a new irony meter. You just fucking imploded mine.

10. Dean Fucking Saxton. If you tell women they deserve rape, then you deserve what you get in return. Which, in this case, was a baseball bat to the head — wielded by a woman. Ha, ha.

11. James Fucking Dobson. Where are all the transgender shooting victims, he wonders? Well, definitely not lurking in bathrooms. But if you look hard enough, you’ll find them. And strangely, you’ll also find that not one was ever killed for molesting a woman or a child.

12. Carl Fucking Gallups. Oh yay, MORE End Times “prophecies”…that mean absolutely nothing in real terms. And look! There’s more irrational transphobia in there, too!

13. James Fucking Kirkpatrick. Yeah, the Angry Birds movie is secretly all about immigration. Never mind that white humans aren’t red birds, and brown humans aren’t green pigs. Both are humans. Oops, there goes THAT inane little racist theory!

14. Louie Fucking Gohmert. And speaking of inane little theories, Gomer has one, too: GAYLIENS! Because humans are totally gonna colonize space, any day now. And they need nothing but straight-ass heterosexuals to reproduce and take over the Universe. Yeah. Uh-huh.

15. Jason Fucking Kenney. Schools “hard-wire” students with “anti-conservative”, “collectivist” ideas? Uh, Jason? It’s called KNOWLEDGE. And EDUCATION. If conservatives have a problem with these things, it’s because they don’t have much of a brain, DUH. And you’re never going to “break that nut”, because knowledge can’t be un-acquired, stupid!

16. Glenn Fucking Beck. Welp, looks like his own stochastic terrorism has finally bitten Biff in the ass. His radio plug has been pulled, at least for now. Pity it took no less than a veiled threat to Der Drumpf to do it. Why not the Tides Foundation, or abortion doctors, or anything progressive? Jesus.

17. Larry Fucking Pratt. And speaking of stochastic terrorism, how about him? Yeah, if you lose at the ballot box, why take defeat gracefully like a normal person, when you can shoot shit up like a lunatic with a gun?

18. Todd Fucking Warner. Is anyone surprised that in addition to having a problem with LGBTphobia, North Carolina is also cursed with an awful lot of out and out RACISTS? And that some of them run AirBnB accommodations? One more reason to boycott, in case you needed any. And oh yeah, boycott this one in particular.

19. Stacey Fucking Dash. Trans people should “just go in the bushes”? Newsflash, lady — lots of them already do. It’s not safe in the bushes. People get beaten up and killed in the bushes. And shame on you for perpetuating a stigma that started out against black people. Of whom conservatism is no friend. You’ve not gone from “clueless to conservative” — you’ve gone conservative, and that’s clueless. Period.

20. Cory Fucking Bernardi. Boom! Was that a gun going off in your own foot, linking to a Doosh V article on “Social Justice Warriors”? Why yes, it was. Hope you enjoy hobbling around being pointed and laughed at, buffoon. PS: Sign, sign, sign!

21. David Fucking Riden. And MOAR stochastic terrorism! At this rate, the Drumpf Repugs and their co-religionists will have no one left who isn’t either a corrupto, a pervert, or a murderer. Down the toilet goes the whole party…

22. Terry Fucking Branstad. Shocking as it may seem, the First Amendment prohibits theocracy under any religion…and you may want to refer back to Article 11 of the Treaty of Tripoli for proof that the US was never conceived as a Christian nation. So, gubnor…what’s your lame excuse for trying to establish a theocracy in Iowa?

23. Daniel Fucking Kalb. Never mind that the “vaccines cause autism” myth was debunked YEARS ago. Nope, this so-called doctor is still clinging to the fallacy as promulgated by uneducated, non-scientist moms on the internet. But hey. When there’s a cluster of patients with contagious, preventable diseases all tied to this clinic, just watch the malpractice suits roll in, eh? Yeah, better that than admit that autism is, in fact, GENETIC in origin.

24. William Fucking Gilroy. No, Skippy, you’re not sovereign. You’re just a plain old citizen who’s dumber than dung. And you don’t get to arrest the judge trying your case, either. How’s contempt of court sound to you, Skippy?

25. Scott Fucking Slinker. Der Drumpf is a “racist for the American employee”? Tell that to the Chinese sweatshop workers who make his branded suits, Scotty.

26. Mike Fucking Huckabee. Yes, Palestinians really do exist. Just ask all the people your beloved State of Israel displaced from their own land, and whose olive groves they are bulldozing to “make the desert bloom”!

27. Angela Fucking Cummings. Yay, another store preacher makes an ass of herself looking to convert people to Stoopidism! Last week, she was at a high school, harassing the kids. You have met the devil, lady…and it is YOU.

28. Jonathan Shawn Fucking Russell. No, dude, your own perversions are not God. And you don’t have the right to “take them seriously” on the hide of any child, let alone someone else’s. Throw away your idiotic theocratic books and get a grip on yourself.

29. Pat Fucking McCrory. The Bathroom Bandit has spoken, and he means to stick by his anti-LGBT laws. Even if they sink him. Well, I hope they do.

30. Andy Fucking Hallinan. And MOAR stochastic terrorism! Gawd, this has been one helluva week for that shit. Maybe someone should make a target with HIS face on it, hmmm?

And finally, to the motherfucking monsters of Ticketmaster and StubHub. Shame on you for trying to profiteer off what will be Gordon Downie’s last tour with the Tragically Hip, as he’s got terminal brain cancer. And shame on you for screwing fans over what are already very pricey tickets. You need to be regulated straight out of existence. Fuck you, fuck your “charitable” excuse-making, and fuck the profit-hungry monopoly you rode in on.

Good night, and get clucked…er, FUCKED!