News of the Restless

Crappy weekend, everyone! Well, how about that Elbowgate mini-scandal? People are still talking about it, if you can believe that. And none of them have an intelligent word to say, unless it’s what my friend Pale here says: You’re all acting like fucking children, now sit down and pull your short pants back up. And you know who else are acting like utter prats? These people…in no particular order:

1. Brian Fucking Pallister. Dude, your cabinet is all white, and nearly all male. Where the fuck is this “diversity” of which you speak? (And no, different colored suits and ties on the white men of your cabinet don’t count.)

2. Theodore Fucking Shoebat. Hillary Clinton has done her share of awful things, but no, “witchcraft” isn’t among them. Except, of course, in the fever swamp of HIS imagination.

3. Stephen Fucking Miller. This just in: Der Drumpf says stupid things “because it’s true!” And finally, an entire Chicken Noodle Network panel burst out laughing because the sheer idiocy of it all was just too much even for them anymore.

4. Joe Fucking Arpaio. Perhaps aware that his anti-immigrant rhetoric is making him sound increasingly unhinged, Sheriff Joe is now turning his sights on…drumroll please...bestiality! Yes, that’s right, he’s suddenly touchingly aware of all the molestation of animals going on in Maricopa County. Nice to know that somebody is standing up for all the sexually abused dogs down there. A pity he can’t extend the same courtesy to abused Central Americans.

5. Mark Fucking Regev. Thanks for confirming what we already know about Israel, you genocidal turdbiscuit. And thanks for the unconvincing denial. Yes, Israel IS racist, because the right of return doesn’t apply to Palestinians, who were living there first. And Jews the world over are NOT Israeli nationals, but rather nationals of the countries where they currently live.

6. Ed Fucking Rollins. With four failed marriages (and indubitably counting) between them, Der Drumpf should pick…Newt Fucking Gingrich as his running mate? Sorry, but having two failed marriages apiece (and a third one in the making each) doesn’t mean they “certainly understand women”. It means, in fact, quite the opposite. (Even funnier: Newty asked his second wife for an “open” marriage, and she refused. This was when he was still boinking his current missus as a sidepiece. You can’t make this shit up!)

7. Andrew Fucking Anglin. Pretty sure Taylor Swift wants nothing to do with either neo-fascism OR any of Der Drumpf’s loathsome offspring. Much less to be “betrothed” to one, as though this were the medieval era all over again. Keep your sickly fantasies to yourself, Nazi-boy.

8. Josh Fucking Duggar. Would you buy a used car from this man? I wouldn’t. And I wouldn’t watch any “reality” show with him in it, because he and his nauseating clan are responsible for a lot of the LGBT-phobic shitfuckery currently going on in the States. Boycott, people!

9. Mark Fucking Burns. Der Drumpf’s obnoxious shrimp-finger-wagging means he’s secretly signalling his devout evangelical Christianity? That would be news to his two ex-wives, not to mention his current missus. And it would certainly be news to anyone who actually knows him…and hasn’t seen him darkening a church door ever. Didn’t Jesus say not to hide your light under a bushel basket? In Der Drumpf’s case, there is literally nothing under there that shines, unless it’s a chrome dome.

10. Bill O’Fucking Reilly. Not content to go down in legal history as an abusive prick who deserved to get dumped, now he’s trying to paint his ex-wife as a cheating harlot. Coming from the man who lewdly harassed his own producer with fantasies about falafel in the shower, that’s downright rich.

11. Franklin Fucking Graham. The Notorious RBG has no interest in converting to fundie Christianity. And that’s apparently what’s got Frankie’s boxers in a bunch. Diddums!

12. Ted Fucking Nugent. Of course he hates Bernie Sanders. Because Bernie doesn’t mangle guitars, and yet he still manages to be a bigger rock star than the Noodge ever will.

13. Michaeleen Fucking Doucleff. So, women on the Pill aren’t real women because they’re not having real periods? Good heavens, that means I was not really female for 15 whole years of my life, and I never knew! By that token, women who were born without ovaries and/or uteri were never really female either. And when we real-menstruating real-women hit menopause, do we also become un-women, or merely un-real? Inquiring minds, etc.

14. Ken Fucking Starr. OhmyGAWD, remember HIM? The amateur pornographer who ate up millions of taxpayer dollars just so he could write a one-handed report on what Bill Clinton was allegedly illicitly up to with apparently everyone in a skirt? Yeah. HIM. Well, guess what: Baylor University fired him…for NOT INVESTIGATING REAL, HONEST-TO-GODDESS SEX SCANDALS. Savor the irony, kiddies, it is rich-rich-RICH.

15. Markus Fucking Persson. And speaking of rich ironies: Dude. Lose the fucking trilby, it makes you look like a walking stereotype of an idiot menzer. And stop trying to mansplain away mansplaining, because it makes you SOUND like one, too. The horse is out of the barn, and you did not coin that term. Women did. You do not get to define it for them. Capisce?

16. Bill Fucking Cosby. And so it finally emerges that yes, he did indeed do what all those women have been acusing him of doing to them. You know what thing I mean. And no, Page Six, it wasn’t a “romp” for them. It was a keel-over-unconscious, wake-up-feeling-horrid, wonder-why-he’s-leering friggin’ NIGHTMARE. There was nothing playful about it. Exercise some fucking journalistic responsibility, already!

17. Vicente Fucking Fox. Hey! Remember HIM? Sure you do. And this week, he made the list for blaming his old progressive political rival, AMLO, for problems in Mexico that are the fault of right-wing policies like his. Also: Apologizing to Der Drumpf for offending him? No bueno.

18. Stephen Fucking Harper. Hey! Remember when I asked if anyone had seen him, and why was he not in his parliamentary seat like a duly elected representative of Calgary Whatever? Was just last week, as I recall. Well, apparently many other patriotic Canadians have been asking the same thing, and now we have an answer. And here it is:

PS: Ha, ha.

19. Esten Fucking Ciboro. Would it surprise you greatly that the kind of dickweeds who rant about trans people in Target stores also have step-relatives chained up in their basements? No? Oh good. Me neither.

20. Charlie Fucking Daniels. The Devil Went Down to Georgia, and he still came up empty for brains. When is this sad has-been going to be carted off to the Old Farts’ Home?

21. Mary Lou Fucking Bruner. You’ll be happy to know that the flag-desecrating god-botherer has lost her election bid. So long, and don’t let the door hit you…oh, what the hell. Let it whack you all the way to Kingdom Come!

22. Peter Fucking Thiel. Ever wonder where Terry Fucking Bollea — alias Hulk Hogan — got the money to sue Gawker for printing the truth about him, namely that he’s a racist who spouted off with the n-word right after he (boringly) boinked his buddy’s wife on camera? Well, now you know. It’s this Drumpfite flibbertigibbertarian, who fantasizes about the grand prospect of “seasteading”. Please join me now in praying that he and all his co-religionists get caught by a hurricane, and don’t have the money left to buy off the Coast Guard.

23. Dean Fucking Paterakis. Aaaand another transphobe loses his shit in public. Also, PENIS. Ahem: ERECT penis.

24. Angela Fucking Cummings. What business of yours is it if high schoolers are “angels” or “demons”? If home-schooling is your holy bag, why aren’t you at home doing it, instead of harassing kids outside of schools with scare tactics based on shit that rarely or never happens? Go home and repent, yourself!

25. Ryan Fucking Bundy. Because the and his equally batshit brother think that being in jail shouldn’t be like, er, being in jail. And also for not understanding that “presumed innocent” only applies during the trial phase of the judicial process, not the pre-trial stint in custody — which is owing to their being very likely flight risks, and very definitely wankers.

26. Luke Fucking Woodham. And speaking of people who shouldn’t be let out of jail: Remember him? He killed his own mother, shot up his high school, killed two classmates and injured seven…and now he wants parole. Next thing you know, he’ll also want his gun back. NOPE!

27. Matt Fucking Stewart. Dude. Get a fucking grip. Your precious widdle sons are not being “humiliated” by the mere existence of a trans kid who just wants to use the washroom that fits his gender identity. Which is NOT “girl”. If anyone’s being humiliated here, it’s that poor unnamed kid, who has to put up with the abuse that ignorami like you are heaping on his undeserving young head. I just hope he turns out to be a stronger person than YOU.

28. Amanda Fucking Lauren. So, the former friend who committed suicide, and on whose grave you are now pissing, called you her “frenemy”? Yeah, I can see why. And now, so can the whole damn internet. Narcissism is a real bitch, innit?

29. Kevin Fucking Vickers. Someone please remind him that he is no longer guarding Parliament Hill, but is supposed to be representing our country as ambassador to Ireland. And that means NOT getting into donnybrooks with local protesters against British imperialism. And this on the centenary of the uprising that made Ireland a republic. For shame! PS: Ha, ha.

30. Donald Fucking Drumpf. Why? Because BAWWWWWWK buk buk buk bk bk bk! That’s why.

And finally, to Bob Fucking Russel the Right-Wing Idiot, from Newburyport, Massachusetts. Yes, he was back again, but he was even more dim, incoherent and boring than he was the first time. And he used a fake addy, too. Bob doesn’t know how or when to quit me, but he sure is an obsessive little troll with his raging hate-on for Venezuela and its allies around the world. And he has some strange sexual fantasies concerning socialists and their love lives, too. I don’t want to subject you to any more of his obscene stupidity, so I plonked him in the spam filter.

And Bob? You’re gonna get the same treatment no matter what bogus email address you use from now on. I can read your IP, bozo. And I save all troll posts that come to me for moderation in a mailbox marked “Abusive”. One more strike from you, and Comcast is gonna hear from me. Won’t it be an ironic hoot when a capitalist ISP yoinks your trolling line? I think so.

Good night, and get fucked!

Crappy weekend, everyone! And RIP, adorable baby bison, who really didn’t need to warm up inside some fool tourist’s car. Well, now they know not to interfere with nature. And now you know, too. And what else do you need to know this week about wankers? This…in no particular order:

1. Tarek Fucking Fatah. “Bakistan” isn’t a place. SCOTLAND is a place. And it’s where a Muslim member of parliament was sworn in bilingually (and in a kilt!). Although, to hear THIS wanker tell it, there was only one language used. Newsflash, wanker: Urdu is spoken by Pakistanis of all religions. And being a Muslim MP is not a crime in Scotland, either.

2. Ivanka Fucking Drumpf. Yes, that’s right, Der Donald’s daughter is joining him in the ranks of the wanks this week. For what? For claiming that this racist idiot has “elevated the political dialogue”. Above what? A sludge pit? A sumphole? No…both of those are actually cleaner than what comes out of HIS mouth. Remember, this is the same guy who said he’d “date” her if she wasn’t his own daughter. And here she is, babbling about his “honesty” and pretending THAT never happened.

3. Stephen Fucking Harper. Has anyone seen him lately? He’s ostensibly still a member of Parliament, but his seat is suspiciously empty. And this at a time when Alberta, his province, is still reeling from the effects of the biggest damn wildfires in the history of ever. Shouldn’t he be, you know, advocating on his province’s behalf? Or at least, on behalf of his riding, which is probably seeing a lot of fire refugees? I guess giving speeches to Repugs in Vegas, and entertaining them with his vapid piano stylings, is just such hard work that he doesn’t have time!

4. Donald Fucking Drumpf. He sez (to David Fucking Cameron, no less) that he’s “not stupid”? Methinks he doth protest too much. He’s a jackass with no heart, no mind, and no filter. But maybe he has a point: Calling him stupid is a terrible insult…to stupid people. PS: Sign, sign, sign!

5. Bo Fucking French. So, your “philosophy” of how-to-deal-with-eating-disorders is to shame anorexia victims? And you think trans people should be stoned, and that this will deter them from expressing their gender? If you’re really worried about grown men preying on under-age girls, shouldn’t you be policing your own damn big stupid mouth? Because the shit that comes out of there is doing real harm, I guarandamntee it.

6. Larry Fucking Miller. Oh good, so it’s not just #3 having too much sex with the Repugs. It seems his bullshit whisperer (yes, really) is also having too close relations with them…and the fuckery is all mental.

7. Andrea Fucking Hardie. No, no woman deserves to be slapped around…not even THIS bog-awful one. And no man should have the right to slap any woman around…not even if she is this one, and he is this one’s poor, long-suffering husband. And I can guarandamntee you that NO woman in her right mind “craves” it, either.

8. Mike Fucking Webb. Posting screenshots of his still-open porn tabs to his Facebook campaign page? An amateur he may be, but sexy he ain’t. Oh, and get this: He’s “faith-based”! Whatever the hell THAT means nowadays.

9. Adrien Fucking Brody. Well, aren’t YOU just so special, Mr. Who-the-hell-are-you-anyway? Yeah, the crimes of artistes who molest women and girls are just “fodder” for whatever. And you’re so artistic and above it all. Shoot, what does anyone’s suffering concern high and lofty you? Aaaaand that’s how enablers get made, kiddies.

10. James Fucking Rolfe. And while we’re on the subject of nothing-men whose opinions the world can live without, how about him? Yes, another giant pee-pants manbaby who rants on YouTube isn’t going to see the new all-female Ghostbusters, because reasons. Well, good. Leaves more popcorn and candy for all the non-whiners and non-complainers who will be flocking to see this in fucking DROVES, and who don’t even care that the only significant male character is a big hunky himbo.

11. Melania Fucking Drumpf. Oh, your husband’s not Hitler? Could have fooled me. Could have fooled my dad, who was born in Germany the year the original came to power, and 12 when the Thousand-Year Reich came to an ignominious end in the Führerbunker, and who incidentally thinks your hubby’s “a real Nazi” (his words!). And certainly could have fooled all your fascist fans, who launched a mini-pogrom against a journalist whose only “agenda”, as you so cutely call it, was to write an inoffensive profile of you. Nice victim-blaming, Drumpf Barbie.

12. Owen Fucking Labrie. Oh joy, he’s out. And looking mighty douchey again now that he’s ditched the nerd-glasses his lawyer made him wear.

13. Franklin Fucking Graham. If you think your fellow Religious Reich members should be prepared to take a bullet for their transphobic bullshit, then you should face the firing squad first. Hey, gotta set an example, right? Just a pity there are no such firing squads, because trans people aren’t murderous idiots like you!

14. Robert Fucking Sarah. And once more, with feeling: LGBT people aren’t murderous idiots, like these religious windbags. Which is a good thing for the windbags, but a trying thing for LGBTs…or anyone with an ounce of human decency in them.

15. Alex Fucking Jones. It’s a day of the week ending in “day”, and you know what THAT means: Yup, the loudest mouth in Stupidland is roaring up a blue streak about everything he knows nothing about. And this week, it’s Michelle Obama and her allegedly questionable (but not ever really in question because she gave birth twice) gender.

16. Greg Fucking Abbott. You, sir, are no Jack Kennedy. And you’re attaching his name to your bigotry, even though it was his law that is making your bigotry (and any laws based upon it) into a steaming pile of meadow muffins.

17. Steve Fucking Haymond. Because nothing says “Christian” like making money selling weapons people will abuse their little kids with in the name of Jeebus. Amen.

18. Ramón Fucking Muchacho. Oh joy! The mayor of the richest district in Caracas has FINALLY shown a touching concern for the poor, who are victims of grocery-hoarding and price-driving by the rich. And he’s warning the entire Caribbean of Venezuela’s imminent “collapse”…a “collapse” which, you should know, he’s been working hard to engineer for years.

19. George Fucking Zimmerman, again. Not content to murder an innocent black kid, now he’s busy slamming his victim’s parents for not raising their son right. I’d like to have a word with HIS parents, and believe you me, it would not be a civil one.

20. Ian Fucking Brodie. It’s not just Der Drumpf who loves ignorant, uneducated people…Harpo’s former chief of staff does, too. So much so that he thinks getting rid of public schools should save lots of money that the rich would otherwise have to pay in taxes, while still throwing a bone to all the dumb rednecks having a cow over LGBT/straight alliances and gender-neutral bathrooms. Gotta kiss that moneyed ass, y’know. And gosh, aren’t we glad that these dipshits are no longer in power?

21. Mauricio Fucking Macri. There’s a word all over Latin America for “leaders” like him, who let the gringos just walk all over the place like they own it: VENDEPATRIAS. And just for good measure, they want to append a “FUCKING” to the front end of that, now.

22. Bob Fucking Owens. Never mind that not a single right-wing nutjob’s gun has ever been grabbed, they still fear-wank about it CONSTANTLY. And this one does it while spouting racist slurs about blacks murdered by white gun-toters, whom he calls “good people”, because of course. It’s almost enough to make one wish that their worst fears WOULD come true, just once.

23. Caleb Andrew Fucking Bailey. And here is one of those toters whose guns should be grabbed. Does the rubric of “good people” include kiddie-porn hoarders who work for Der Drumpf?

24. Healy Fucking Baumgardner. Oh boy, where to start with this one? It’s no wonder she works for Der Drumpf; I never saw a more mindless defence of the indefensible than the ones that dribbled from HER lips.

25. Wayne Fucking Spindler. Lest anyone get the misguided impression that it’s only in the south that the Klukers ride around in hooded sheets, here’s one from California who’s — get this — a lawyer in Encino. But, true to form, he DOES threaten to lynch blacks, so there’s that.

26. Lisa Fucking Raitt. Justin Trudeau is just like Jian Ghomeshi? Nope…sorry-not-sorry, he’s not. He’s just a rookie PM who made a rookie mistake. But nice job trying to score some cheap political points, now that feminism is finally fashionable on the Hill!

27. Ezra Fucking Levant. Same link, same shit, different asshole with no chance of scoring a political point ever. Because it’s 2016, and he’s still irreLevant!

28. Paul Fucking Elam. Racist much? Yes, tell us again how your “movement” is all about men’s rights. You’re doing fuck-all for veterans. And attacking black women (single mothers or not) isn’t helping, either.

29. William Fucking Johnson. And MOAR racism. Yeah, tell us again how the word “racist” is a slur. It seems to me it’s an accurate descriptor of your views, which aren’t exactly in step with the times. And no, you don’t get to turn the clock back 60 years again so no one gets to use those words to describe you, either.

30. Kim Fucking Davis. No, the bible isn’t the law. And yes, you do have to accept a SCOTUS ruling as the law, because they’re the experts on it. NOT you. Do your job, or find another one!

And finally, to these four feckin’ eejits, who thought it would be cool to take selfies for their clothing company’s Facebook page by trespassing on the Grand Prismatic spring (see photo above). Like the idiots with the bison calf, these four were Canadian. Dudes, you’re all dumbasses, and I’m ashamed to share a country with you. You give us all a bad name. The rules of Yellowstone were put there for a reason, and it wasn’t so you could break them in the name of looking cooler-than-thou. And if you were really cool, you’d have understood that, and left your idiot selves out of the picture, and just photographed the spring from a respectful distance like normal visitors.

Good night, and get fucked!